Parents at Orientation

[ahffk]

So I am starting graduate school this fall and my parents will be flying in with me to help me move in and settle down. I just wanted to see if this was a common practice or if they would feel out of place at the orientation events (guests allowed, but may be geared towards spouses and children). Anyone else's parents helping/helped out in the moving process or have seen parents helping other students move in and attending orientation events before?

[rising_star]

I can't say that I ever saw parents at orientation stuff. Maybe there were some at the university-wide orientation (hard to say since people starting grad school range widely in age) but there definitely were no parents (or even spouses or children) at department orientation meetings. The one exception would be the department-wide welcome back party, but that actually occurs after fall classes start.

[Eigen]

My experience is the same as rising_star. 

 

I guess it depends what exactly you mean by orientation, but ours aren't geared to any guests, and I'd think parents would be out of place. 

 

We haven't previously had a university wide orientation- we have orientations for new TAs, orientations by department, and some school-wide orientations. 

 

Most of them are more in the vein of employee orientations (how do you get paid, how health insurance works, etc.), you seem to be referring to something in conjunction with moving in to on campus housing, or a welcome reception?

[fuzzylogician]

Same here. There were no parents at our departmental orientation. I guess there might have been parents at some larger university events, but I didn't notice any. You do occasionally see parents visiting and being given a tour of the university/department, and that's perfectly fine, just not as part of any official departmental event (other than graduation, of course).

[TakeruK]

Parents certainly help graduate students here move in but they are never seen at graduate student orientation type events. Like all the others said, once you get settled, it's normal for the grad student to show their parents around campus on their own. I've met some of my friends' parents in this way. But there is almost never any programming specifically for them. And, if they tag onto student-focused orientation events, it might seem very weird and it could be awkward. My school has 3-4 days of major orientation events, with lots of meals and games and events and while some of them state family are welcome, they really mean spouses and children, not your parents and siblings etc.

 

Every fall, we do have a departmental family BBQ event where parents would certainly be welcome though! It is a very fun evening/BBQ where everyone (staff, faculty, students, postdocs) bring all of their families. Parents who happen to be visiting often attend (not just new students, sometimes parents of older students visit too). I think events like this would be more appropriate for parents or other visiting relatives to join. 

[CBclone]

My parents will be helping me move across the country and I'll probably be able to show them around town and campus but they won't be going to any "official" events with me. I haven't heard anything about department or program orientations; only that I have an orientation for my GA position sometime in the week before classes start.

[Vene]

Parents at an orientation would be pretty strange. Maybe it would make sense for a more social event, but this is where you should think about graduate school as a job. The orientation I attended was to get payroll information, get us required safety training, show us the basics of how the program is organized, introduce us to various professors, and give us primers to get us prepared to start labwork. It's not a good idea to bring your parents.

[eeee1923]

At this point you're pretty much an adult (unlike when you started college). I really can't think of a reason why you'd need your parents there. Just let them explore the campus or town while you attend the orientation. 

[ahffk]

eteshoe, while I am sure you meant no harm, I was offended by your comment/assumptions. I did not say that I was not an adult or that I NEEDED my parents there... all of which appear to imply that I need someone to hold my hand. I personally think it is downright rude to have them visit and assist in the moving process, then tell them I am busy and they should go entertain themselves in an empty college town when there may have been another option (for them to tag along).

But maybe that was my fault. I thought I was clear when I mentioned guests were allowed, but maybe I should have been clearer. These events are, by no means, payroll, course load, healthcare-type serious events. They are non-mandatory welcome receptions, lunches, dinners, etc. that clearly state guests are allowed (with example listed as "children") and asks for the number of guests.

Thank you everybody who commented, for your input and insight! Now I know not to bring my parents... and to not attend myself as well

[Eigen]

I would seriously urge you to re-think not attending yourself.

 

I'm sure your parents will understand, and this is usually one of your best chances to get to meet your new colleagues. I think the expectation that it would be rude to not devote all your time to someone visiting isn't the best one to take into grad school either.

 

I've had a lot of times I've had family & friends in town, and given them a day/half day to go explore without me because I had work to do- it's quite common as you get older.

 

You also might be reading a bit too much into some of the comments here if you're getting offended by what eteshoe said. They didn't imply that you were those things, just stated what the case would be.

 

I'm a bit surprised at your description of the events, I've never heard of any school doing receptions, lunches and dinners for incoming graduate students and families, that sounds a lot more like what I'd expect for undergrad. Maybe one event to get to know your new department, but it seems like your school is doing a lot more than that.

[fuzzylogician]

eteshoe, while I am sure you meant no harm, I was offended by your comment/assumptions.

 

Getting offended is a choice, and what you do with the comments you get here is also a choice. I don't think anyone here was attacking you or saying anything inappropriate. We've told you about what often happens at orientation at the schools we know (usually just our own, so for each of us, sample size (n=1)). If you expect things to be different at your school, then go ahead and do what you think best fits your situation. I personally think the university-wide orientation events are mostly useless and it's fine not to attend, except if you're interested in free food and/or want to meet new friends (both legitimate goals, the second perhaps less attainable if you'll spend the entire time with your parents). Departmental orientations are more important to attend, but even at the social events, I think it's unrealistic to think that you'll be able to spend the entire time with your parents. This is a great opportunity to meet new friends, and it'd be a shame not to be able to do so. As Eigen says, it's common to leave guests on their own at some point(s) during their visit. They are visiting you at your work place, and it's not always going to be possible for you to drop everything for the entire time they visit and just hang out with them. I don't think it's rude, it's just the reality of visiting someone while you are on vacation but they are not.  

[ashiepoo72]

My aunt drove down to one of the programs that invited me to a recruitment event, got her own hotel room and spent the day I was busy with the department exploring the sleepy town and having nice meals by herself, something she rarely gets to do. The following day, we explored together because the recruitment stuff was over. I explained to her before she came up that, while I appreciated her support, I would be busy with the department and couldn't entertain her. She understood, as she is a working professional and knows how these professional-type things work. I'm sure your parents will as well. Why don't you research your town ahead of time and plan a date for them? I think that would be much more thoughtful than skipping out on your grad school stuff in protest.

I wouldn't even bring my kid to these kind of events...reasons being, I would be focused on her the whole time, and she'd be bored as hell. I remember some people did bring parents to recruitment stuff, and while the department isn't going to say anything, I thought it was strange and rather awkward. Sure, there are circumstances where it would probably be ok, but grad school is a professional kind of place...I wouldn't bring my mom to an office Christmas party, so why should she come to a grad school welcome luncheon or orientation?

All I'm trying to convey is if your parents come down together, they should be able to entertain themselves for the few hours you're busy doing professional stuff--even if it's a meet and greet kind of luncheon, you should still go...it's rather silly for you to opt out of an event at the very start of your grad school career because of the advice given here, though it's your choice and no skin off my back. Honestly, though, it sounds like you made the decision because you became irate at eteshoe, who only came on here to give you (solicited) advice. In addition, why would you ask if parents should come if you're only going to get angry when people give you an answer?

[ahffk]

Guys, I did not say I was offended by all the comments, just one, and even then I acknowledged it might have been a misunderstanding. I thanked everyone for their responses (I am sorry if it came off sarcastic but it wasn't) that yes, I asked for, and I wasn't offended by them besides one. Yes, the contents were all similar but I was offended by the wording of one specific, not the content. So everybody relax. I am not choosing not to go to the events because I got mad at a random faceless person on the Internet--yall are great people but yall don't influence my life by THAT much. The comments just gave me an informed view of what I could possibly expect and I made my decision based on that, my values, and my unique circumstances. Not solely on an anonymous Internet comment. That's ridiculous, people.

Again, thanks everyone for your input! (Genuine. Not sarcastic. Not angry.)

[rising_star]

ahffk, if you're considering skipping department-specific stuff, just be aware that this will look odd to your peers and any faculty that are there. Same goes for bringing your parents. Some of the best advice I was ever given is this: You only get one chance to make a first impression. In your case, that means thinking about what you want the first impression of the faculty, your cohort, and other grad students to be of you. Of course no one can tell you what that should be but, it's something to think about. You don't want to be the left out or ostracized from the get go.

[Dr. Old Bill]

But maybe that was my fault. I thought I was clear when I mentioned guests were allowed, but maybe I should have been clearer. These events are, by no means, payroll, course load, healthcare-type serious events. They are non-mandatory welcome receptions, lunches, dinners, etc. that clearly state guests are allowed (with example listed as "children") and asks for the number of guests.

Thank you everybody who commented, for your input and insight! Now I know not to bring my parents... and to not attend myself as well

 

The description may say that guests are allowed -- and they certainly will be -- but this is a situation where you have to read between the lines a bit and get a feel for the context of the situation. As pretty much everyone else has said, it would be unusual to bring parents along to a graduate orientation, just as it would to bring parents along to an office party or other work event. You can safely assume that "guests" means "significant others or dependents" in this circumstance. Regardless of the reality of your situation, bringing your parents along would give the impression that you want or need parental approval / observation / guidance etc. I was just about to type something about "politics," but really, it's not even that. It's just being attuned to certain social norms. "Don't bring your parents to grad school functions" is one of those unwritten guidelines you simply have to pick up on.

[TakeruK]

I'm a bit surprised at your description of the events, I've never heard of any school doing receptions, lunches and dinners for incoming graduate students and families, that sounds a lot more like what I'd expect for undergrad. Maybe one event to get to know your new department, but it seems like your school is doing a lot more than that.

 

My school's university-wide graduate student orientation is a full week of receptions: every breakfast, lunch and dinner is provided for 3 days. You all eat with the entire incoming graduate student class and it's the best way to meet someone and make friends outside of your department. Each meal also have various guests of important/useful people on campus (e.g. Dean, Health Center etc.). On the last day, the President hosts a dinner for all new students and their spouses/partners/children at their official residence. There are also a lot of social events organized by grad students in the evening with a range of options from a pub crawl to sports to a quiet board game night so there's something for everyone, hopefully.

 

It was a strange experience because my undergrad orientation was just a single day of events, and only one meal provided (pizza lunch).

 

In any case, while I don't think anyone's parents would be turned away if they went to the lunches and dinners, I agree with all of the above that it would be very odd and probably not reflect well on the student that brings their parents with them.

 

That said, for the University-wide stuff, if you prefer to spend time doing other stuff with your parents, then I don't think you need to worry too much about first impressions and it being weird that you didn't attend. Even at my small school, the University wide events are large enough that people won't really notice you're not there. In general, most people hung out and socialized with people from other departments so it's not like your whole cohort will be bonding that week and you'll miss out (but perhaps experiences may vary).

 

I do agree that in general, the department specific events are more important to attend (although you only asked about University-wide ones here). But, I can certainly think of many reasons why one might choose to skip those as well, if they are not mandatory. 

[TMP]

Department stuff: You MUST go and by yourself.

University-wide mandatory:  You MUST go and by yourself.

University-side non-mandatory: You may go but BY yourself.

 

Where do your parents fit?  With your new place and city/town.  If you're worried about "entertaining" them, your parents can entertain themselves (they did before they had kids, right?).  If you'd like, you can give them a list of things you need or want them to check out (i.e. restaurants, markets, malls, compare two Targets, find the best parking spots, etc).  If there's another city/town nearby, they can also drive over and check it out.

 

In terms of including parents in your graduate school experiences,  wait a few years.  Professors are generally gracious about meeting parents (as many are themselves) but they want to know off the bat that you are already independent.  Parents have showed up for dissertation defenses (and some sat in the room) in my program.

 

As everyone said, it is just odd to bring parents to any event for incoming graduate students.  Because that's just undergraduate orientation all over again and nobody wants to feel that way.

[Eigen]

My school's university-wide graduate student orientation is a full week of receptions: every breakfast, lunch and dinner is provided for 3 days. You all eat with the entire incoming graduate student class and it's the best way to meet someone and make friends outside of your department. Each meal also have various guests of important/useful people on campus (e.g. Dean, Health Center etc.). On the last day, the President hosts a dinner for all new students and their spouses/partners/children at their official residence. There are also a lot of social events organized by grad students in the evening with a range of options from a pub crawl to sports to a quiet board game night so there's something for everyone, hopefully.

 

It was a strange experience because my undergrad orientation was just a single day of events, and only one meal provided (pizza lunch).

 

Side not here, but that's really cool. We've been pushing for something more cohesive at my school, and finally have an "all graduate student orientation" this year, instead of it being entirely left up to each program.