Relationship in Grad School (Both Students)???

[oiaw12345]

Hello! 

I was wondering if anyone here is had any comments/ suggestions for maintaining a  relationship in grad school where both people are students.  To give a bit of background, my partner and I first met in orientation week and we have been together for over two years.  We entered in the same year and are both biology PhD students but in different areas of biology. While I find the relationship a source of comfort and support, I must admit that honestly most of the time I feel simply exhausted.  I decided midway through my first year to apply to a simultaneous Masters degree with my PhD which doubled my course load.  In addition I have a PI that's... shall we say " motivated" to succeed?  Basically he's a rock star faculty and doesn't understand why us mere mortals can't handle his insane expectations.  At the same time my partner and I have polar opposite personality and I think that it takes a significantly more effort to understand each other than say two people who have similar personalities.  I don't know how people make time for romantic relationships in grad school.  If by some miracle I have some free time, he's busy with lab work. I do have friends in grad school who are in relationships/ marriages, but they all either had an established relationship before they started grad school or there is only one person in school and the other person is working.  I want this relationship to work but our schedules are only getting worse and I can't think of a solution.  Also there's a nagging voice in the back of my mind that is worried about graduation.  I am set to graduate at least 6 months to a year before him ( due to differences in our programs/ individual projects) and neither of us are keen on long distance relationships.  So there's a part of me that's worried that our relationship is doomed to fail. I don't exactly know what I'm asking but I feel stuck and exhausted so I guess I'm wondering if anyone had any advice???

[random_grad]

It helps if you can eat together, schedule coninciding days off or even move in together. I personally set a specific time of day to communicate with family who live with me (and family who do not) and this way we stay connected and reap the benefits of love. The only time in my life when it was difficult to schedule a moment to be with each other was when both worked very different shifts. That was terrible. I would go to sleep when my partner was still at work. In grad school schedules are more flexible so it s should be easier. I fail to see how being in a relationship prior to grad school somehow makes things easier. It is very hard to budget and works still needs to be done. Living together helps though.

[rising_star]

When I was in grad school and had a partner that was in grad school, we did what random_grad suggested. We ate dinner together. Or, if it wasn't dinner, we'd watch a TV show, like "The Daily Show" together at least 4-5 nights a week so that we had some time together and to connect to one another. In fact, sometimes it meant that one or the other of us would have to stop working in order to see the other but, ultimately, it was worth it to me.

That said, if you think your relationship is doomed to fail, then it probably will in part due to your mindset. It's easy to get tripped up on the what ifs but, it's also really, really hard to plan for the future. 6 months before I finished my PhD, I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. You can't know or control the future, unfortunately. Anyway, my advice would be to live in the moment, enjoy what you have, and deal with the what ifs when they come. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" is never a bad thing to keep in mind.

[TakeruK]

I'm one of the people you mention that 1) had an established relationship before grad school and 2) has a partner who isn't a grad student. But my partner still works a lot and we do have to make time to see each other (especially before we moved in). The suggestion to have meals together is a good one. No matter how busy you are, you have to eat (doesn't have to be an elaborate/long meal break!). Also, another good idea is to take short breaks during the day with each other. Maybe take a 15 minute break at the campus coffee shop, or even just on a bench or something outside one of your buildings. When I get my coffee, I often see faculty member couples taking a short break with their partner.

And, although it may seem/sound unromantic, sometimes you just have to schedule time for each other. Don't be afraid to put your relationship at the same level of priority as other work, if that is what you want**. For example, I have lunch with my partner almost every day, and I have a group meeting that is supposed to go 11am-noon. I always leave at 11:55am to make my lunch "appointment". My benchmark is that if I would leave that meeting early to meet with another professor for work reasons, then I will also leave the meeting early to make time for my partner (i.e. in rare situations, something critically important is being discussed and worth pushing other commitments back for).

(**You don't have to want this, of course! I'm just saying that if you do, then you should go ahead and do so!).

Another example is that sometimes, I'm asked to do something at work late (past 5pm). The request usually comes with something like "If you are not busy, I would like ...." For me, any time past 5pm is reserved for my partner and I. So, mentally, I always block that off as "busy" time and respond with "sorry, I am busy" and suggest another time (during my regular work hours 8am-5pm) to do the same. Of course, there are special exceptions for situations since as meeting/dining with a guest speaker, approaching a deadline, using the telescope (which only happens at night of course). But these exceptions are anticipated ahead of time.

My point is that I feel a lot of students put their personal lives on hold for graduate work. Whenever they have to decide between a work or personal commitment (whether it's a relationship, a hobby, exercise, or whatever), they always choose work. I don't think choosing one way all the time is sustainable! I have set priorities/goals for myself based on what makes me happy and I make choices according to these priorities. Sometimes, I will choose work but I will also choose personal commitment just as often. You'll have to find the right balance that makes you happy or lets you reach whatever goals you decide for yourself, not others (i.e. not your advisor, not your partner etc.)

9 hours ago, rising_star said:

That said, if you think your relationship is doomed to fail, then it probably will in part due to your mindset. It's easy to get tripped up on the what ifs but, it's also really, really hard to plan for the future. 6 months before I finished my PhD, I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. You can't know or control the future, unfortunately. Anyway, my advice would be to live in the moment, enjoy what you have, and deal with the what ifs when they come. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" is never a bad thing to keep in mind.

Finally, I also want to second this and I would also give the same advice! If this relationship is important to you and makes you happy, then prioritize it for the now. Who knows what will happen by the time you graduate.

[Eigen]

My wife and I were married before we started grad school, so we were an established couple. We've done a few different combinations now.... She took a year off during my first year, then we were both in grad school for the next 3 years, and she's spent the last year and a half adjuncting full time (5 courses a semester!). 

I don't think a relationship in grad school is any more doomed than any other relationship, and just because you're finishing early doesn't necessarily mean time apart. 

We have one car, so we try to keep on a similar schedule, but there are also times when we're honestly just too tired or too busy to do much together, but that happens. We'll have a week where we barely eat consistently, and our primary interaction is mutual pathetic looks when we drive to work in the morning. But this happens to friends of mine not in grad school too!

Being in grad school together does mean you have a lot of common ground, and you do understand what the other person is going through, which can help a lot. 

[ExponentialDecay]

I mean, what do you mean, you're not keen on long distance? It's not a question of preference. If the inconveniences of being in a long-distance relationship outweigh the benefits of your relationship (or however you choose to identify this equivalence), you break up. The alternative is that one of you gives up on their career and becomes a housewife. It's only going to get harder the longer you stay in academia, because ahead of you y'all have postdocs, VAPs, sabbaticals, maybe a TT appointment that doesn't convert to T and then you have to up and move your entire life after 5-7 years in one place. What happens if your only career-building option is a postdoc in Berlin? A DC-Philly commute is A+ for an academic couple. It can very easily be Singapore - Bumfuck, KS (nearest airport 200 mi away). And this isn't exclusive to academia either. I know people in long-distance marriages because your average professional job will bounce you between random national capitals for months-long projects. Geographic mobility is the name of the game. Both of you have to understand that. 

There isn't a solution in the sense that you do this one magic thing and all the pain and uncertainty stops. You keep trucking until it doesn't make sense to truck any further (kind of like trying to get tenure). Long-term committed relationships are built on sacrifice, hardship, and inconvenience. If you just want somebody to spend your Sundays with, get an FWB. It's easier.

I mail my guy postcards from the places I visit and try to keep a balanced view of our wants vs our abilities. I don't have a life-crisis inducing master plan for my life. If this or the thing after it or any of it never works out and I die alone in my apartment and my cats eat my face off, I'm okay with that.

Edited December 6, 2015 by ExponentialDecay

[_kita]

If you want the relationship to last, truly commit to transparent communication and prioritizing each other's needs as your own. Know each other's actual dealbreakers and possible deal breakers. Any relationship needs honesty and a willingness to compromise wants for needs. If it would hurt you, or your partner, to make the necessary sacrifices (long-distance, program, time together, etc.) then communicate that limit. Don't hold on for "hopes that things change to what you want." 

I knew my boyfriend for 9 years before dating him, but we (or I) fought with him a lot. We started dating shortly into my grad school career. I'm grateful for knowing him so far in advance because we've developed a pattern of compromise and ask for feedback first: make decisions second. He's asked that I only apply to programs that he could keep his full-time job during (including relocation offices); I asked that he to visit those offices. Since we agreed that long-distance would lead to a break-up, we need to look at everything jointly. I needed to know if he could actually be happy with any relocations. I'm sacrificing my original 10 program applications for 5, but he's willing to living through 3 years of applications so that I can try and achieve my goal.

 

 

[Carol_Sweeting]

Hello oiaw12345, 

1). I met my boyfriend when I started grad school when he was already a student. We both had a lot to do. For me it was very stressful because it was my first year and I wasn't really sure if I'll manage everything. For my boyfriend it was also difficult since he was second year so they were getting more work to do etc. However, we both felt like the time we spend together is the only time when we can relax and forget about all other things. Actually, it was our relationship that helped us finish our degrees. We both craved for the moment when we'll watch a movie together or have dinner together. 

However, I know some friends who can't actually deal with a lot of stress and see their relationship as another "task", another "responsibility" which they need to take care of. I even remember I read somewhere, I believe in girlsaskguys.com, that women usually think that they have to invest a lot of time in their relationship, usually in activities like to get ready for a date, to put makeup on and look pretty, to prepare dinner, to clean the apartment... However, when you study and know that your boyfriend only wants to be close to you, talk to you and tell you about his day, then it doesn't matter if you have makeup on or not. 

What I would recommend is, try to find time for each other because I am sure you'll both feel better after 30min you've spent together. You can have lunch together if you are both on the same campus, if you have mutual friends, go out together with them. You can go for a walk together on Saturday or Sunday and this is an activity that you both would enjoy and would find healthy. Go shopping together. This way you'll get work done but also spend time together. What I am trying to say is, if there is a will, there is always a way. 

2) I can agree with the others that it looks like you might have doomed your relationship only because of your mindset. 

On 12/5/2015 at 5:42 AM, rising_star said:

That said, if you think your relationship is doomed to fail, then it probably will in part due to your mindset. It's easy to get tripped up on the what ifs but, it's also really, really hard to plan for the future. 6 months before I finished my PhD, I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. You can't know or control the future, unfortunately. Anyway, my advice would be to live in the moment, enjoy what you have, and deal with the what ifs when they come. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" is never a bad thing to keep in mind.

My advice would be to share your fears with your partner, maybe he is also having some fears which he is not sharing. Who knows, you might end up finding a great solution to those fears and saving your relationship!