Telling a Professor you no longer want their rec

[abolitionista]

Towards the beginning of the quarter I asked a professor to write a recommendation for me for a fellowship. However since then our relationship has gone down hill and today it hit the gutter. I can be honest in saying that I have not done anything to this professor however she has been malicious to me in a very public manner. She makes jokes during seminar about the conferences I have been accepted to attend insinuating that they are a waste of time. Amongst other things she singles me out in seminar for my opinion on things to just shoot me down. Today she asked for opinions on the book of a professor in our department and my classmates started pointing out critiques and I stayed silent. She then turned to me and asked my opinion and when I pointed out one of the core flaws in the line his argument she responded with this, "You may not know this but it takes a lot to write a book. So instead of tearing it down and viewing it from your own lens how about you focus on what it has to offer." This comment was directed at me eye contact and all making the environment really tense. When we left class my classmates asked me what that was all about. And said that the professor was flat out rude and unmerited in her response to me. Someone even commented that it seemed like she hadn't even heard what I said but was just ready to shoot me down as soon as I opened my mouth.

In all honesty I don't think she will write a scathing recommendation however do not think it will be the most favorable. She has not shown that she likes my ideas or me very much. Is there a kind way of telling her sorry your rec is no longer needed?

Any help would be appreciated.

Edited December 1, 2009 by abolitionista

[joro]

Wow, I would hate to think what she would do if you asked her to not write a letter. Maybe she'll treat you even worse.

[goukaku suru you ni]

Wow, I would hate to think what she would do if you asked her to not write a letter. Maybe she'll treat you even worse.

such a meanie. you should not tolerate this outright academic bullying. perhaps you can talk to the dean to discuss the way the professor treats you. it might also help to try to talk to your mean professor first.

Edited December 1, 2009 by goukaku suru you ni

[pea-jay]

Is the prof the only one in the department that was asked for a LOR? Can you trust others in the dep? If so perhaps you could write the professor and state you are no longer applying for Grad School the next year as you dont feel like you are ready for it. Puts the blame on you in her eyes but gives you an opportunity to ask someone else without telling her you flat out dont want her as a reference. Thats of course one option, not necessarily the best I guess.

[mudlark]

To be honest, her comment doesn't sound that bad to me at all. But I wasn't in the room.

I would go see the professor in person, and ask if, now that the term has progressed, she still feels that she would be able to write you a very strong letter of recommendation. If she really has changed her mind about you, she'll take it as an out. If this is some kind of personality clash or misunderstanding, you might be able to sort things out and feel more comfortable in the classroom. A civil, face-to-face conversation is almost always the best option.

[liszt85]

Towards the beginning of the quarter I asked a professor to write a recommendation for me for a fellowship. However since then our relationship has gone down hill and today it hit the gutter. I can be honest in saying that I have not done anything to this professor however she has been malicious to me in a very public manner. She makes jokes during seminar about the conferences I have been accepted to attend insinuating that they are a waste of time. Amongst other things she singles me out in seminar for my opinion on things to just shoot me down. Today she asked for opinions on the book of a professor in our department and my classmates started pointing out critiques and I stayed silent. She then turned to me and asked my opinion and when I pointed out one of the core flaws in the line his argument she responded with this, "You may not know this but it takes a lot to write a book. So instead of tearing it down and viewing it from your own lens how about you focus on what it has to offer." This comment was directed at me eye contact and all making the environment really tense. When we left class my classmates asked me what that was all about. And said that the professor was flat out rude and unmerited in her response to me. Someone even commented that it seemed like she hadn't even heard what I said but was just ready to shoot me down as soon as I opened my mouth.

In all honesty I don't think she will write a scathing recommendation however do not think it will be the most favorable. She has not shown that she likes my ideas or me very much. Is there a kind way of telling her sorry your rec is no longer needed?

Any help would be appreciated.

Something similar happened to me once. I had asked my project advisor to write a letter of recommendation for me for an internship. He refused and gave no explanation. At that time, I was working hard on the project and was making good progress and he often commended me for the good work too and I had no idea why he'd refused to write a letter of recommendation. He later told me that he had a policy of not writing LORs for internships but then said he'd make an exception for me if I wanted him to but by that time, I'd gotten upset just like you are now as he hadn't offered this explanation to me at that time. I went ahead and told him that I didn't need his letter anymore as I got another one from a different professor and ended up getting the fellowship for the internship. Telling him that I didn't need his reco was awkward though.. and so like the others have already told you, make sure this is no misunderstanding before you refuse a letter of recommendation from this professor.

[socialpsych]

To be honest, her comment doesn't sound that bad to me at all. But I wasn't in the room.

I would go see the professor in person, and ask if, now that the term has progressed, she still feels that she would be able to write you a very strong letter of recommendation. If she really has changed her mind about you, she'll take it as an out. If this is some kind of personality clash or misunderstanding, you might be able to sort things out and feel more comfortable in the classroom. A civil, face-to-face conversation is almost always the best option.

This.

[abolitionista]

Thanks for the advice everyone.... I was able to mend the situation with the professor and all was well HOWEVER she did not turn her rec in for the fellowship and the deadline was a hard one. So she screwed me over in the end. Not to mention I sent her a reminder on Monday which she replied too and saw her in person on Tuesday but she still didn't turn it in and now the system is locked. I'm beyond annoyed right now

[liszt85]

Thanks for the advice everyone.... I was able to mend the situation with the professor and all was well HOWEVER she did not turn her rec in for the fellowship and the deadline was a hard one. So she screwed me over in the end. Not to mention I sent her a reminder on Monday which she replied too and saw her in person on Tuesday but she still didn't turn it in and now the system is locked. I'm beyond annoyed right now

See? You should have refused her LOR. Always trust your instinct. If you get bad vibes from somebody, that is a strong message to be careful and you ought to take measures to guard yourself against such people. I always do and I've never been wrong.

[abolitionista]

See? You should have refused her LOR. Always trust your instinct. If you get bad vibes from somebody, that is a strong message to be careful and you ought to take measures to guard yourself against such people. I always do and I've never been wrong.

Thanks for the advice. I understand that now more than ever. Unfortunately I had to learn it the hard way

[Genomic Repairman]

Sac the hell up and quit being so sensitive. Not every professor has to like you. Just get another professor to write the letter for you and don't even bother talking to the other one. If they asked, just tell them the deadline past or you couldn't wait on them any longer and went with another prof.

[2400]

I am in a similar position right now, however, I asked the head of my department for an LOR a few weeks ago. He agreed to write the LOR and asked that I send him a copy of my grant proposal, which I am still working on. Yesterday in class, the dept. head, who teaches one of my courses, ripped apart my essay and told me I would never complete my phd with my current dissertation ideas. The dept. head was also really condescending and basically treated me like an idiot.

My grant app is due in two months. Since this person is the dept head, I need to handle the situation tactfully. I don't want this prof's LOR anymore since I am sure it would not help my application. Do any of you have any advice?

[Genomic Repairman]

I am in a similar position right now, however, I asked the head of my department for an LOR a few weeks ago. He agreed to write the LOR and asked that I send him a copy of my grant proposal, which I am still working on. Yesterday in class, the dept. head, who teaches one of my courses, ripped apart my essay and told me I would never complete my phd with my current dissertation ideas. The dept. head was also really condescending and basically treated me like an idiot.

My grant app is due in two months. Since this person is the dept head, I need to handle the situation tactfully. I don't want this prof's LOR anymore since I am sure it would not help my application. Do any of you have any advice?

2400, forget the snide comments by the department head, was the criticisms to your proposal valid. Maybe those are things you should change or need to be reworked. Run your proposal by another professor and see what they come up with. If they feel the same way then maybe you need to change directions. I've seen other grad students get stuck in endless crappy projects that go nowhere, contribute nothing to science, and ultimately end up wasting their time and the dept. head might be trying to prevent this from happening to you.

[2400]

2400, forget the snide comments by the department head, was the criticisms to your proposal valid. Maybe those are things you should change or need to be reworked. Run your proposal by another professor and see what they come up with. If they feel the same way then maybe you need to change directions. I've seen other grad students get stuck in endless crappy projects that go nowhere, contribute nothing to science, and ultimately end up wasting their time and the dept. head might be trying to prevent this from happening to you.

Thanks genomic repairman. I think you are right. Now that I've decompressed...I think the dept head was trying to be helpful...I'm just really sensitive to criticism.

[Genomic Repairman]

You are probably right about the chairman trying to help you but just in a somewhat unorthodox manner. Remember these folks are busy and have no time to schedule being vindictive and mean to you in their schedules, they save frequent acrimony that for their colleagues and coworkers. Go solicit some other opinions.