Regret My Decision (Venting)

[vexedscholar]

Hi all,

I created this account just to post this. I'm in the humanities, but not necessarily History. Sorry for the ramble.

So, I've just had a terrific application season. I was admitted into several programs, both MA and PhD, and I'm very much thrilled because I didn't expect to get in anywhere at all. (And who does?) It's exciting to have the acceptances, and I'm very grateful, but I realized after the first acceptance that my number one choice was a great little funded, terminal MA. Originally, I *only* wanted to apply to funded terminal MA programs, but I was told that my professional field (which isn't 100% in academia) usually wants people with PhDs, never mind that many people have done just fine with MA degrees. So, it took me forever to accept an offer. (I made my decision ON April 15.) After I decided to *apply* to PhD programs, I ended up eschewing many top/favorite choices because I was so afraid I would not get in; I didn't think that I ever had a shot at them, let alone even a "third-tier" program. (I applied to good "mid-to-upper tier" programs that were all great fits, but my heart wasn't really into them.) Now, I just wonder, "what if?"

Long story short, I ended up accepting an offer to a great program (excellent, actually), but it's a) in a location that I'm not itching to move to for various reasons, and b )is a PhD program. I know that I can step out after the MA, but it just doesn't feel right. I just have so much regret about turning down that MA; it was perfect for me professionally, academically, and geographically. I think that it was a terrific fit. How am I supposed to move on and do excellent work if I'm miserable? Of course, I don't know how I'll feel this fall, but it's still disconcerting, nonetheless. 

Anyway, I know that I should be grateful, and I am; I mean, like, REALLY. I know that there's no real future if I stay where I am now. If I don't go, I know that I'll end up depressed in a way that I won't be when I *do* go. However, I just feel like I've painted myself into a proverbial corner, and I'm beating myself up over it in a way that's exacerbating my anxiety.

Woefully yours...

 

[johnnycomelately]

As it stands, you have a few options. Attend the program you have committed to, probably not your first choice, but time might change that. Contact the MA program you declined, tell them you made a mistake and see if they can still take/fund you. Take a year off and apply next year. 

Most decisions you will make in life will leave you with some sense of "what if", but that's just part of the decision making process in general. Try not to be too hard on yourself and do what is best for you. 

[mvlchicago]

TBH (and my preference for economic/class orientations is showing here) I don't think following the money is ever the worst choice. Worst case scenario? You drop out with an MA in hand from an excellent school, no accrued debt.
Worst case scenario with your dream MA? You don't get a job or a PhD offer after you finish your MA, you have warm fuzzy experience, but also now owe the school 60k+ for having those experiences. 

Edited April 18, 2016 by mvlchicago

[Concordia]

36 minutes ago, mvlchicago said:

TBH (and my preference for economic/class orientations is showing here) I don't think following the money is ever the worst choice. Worst case scenario? You drop out with an MA in hand from an excellent school, no accrued debt.
Worst case scenario with your dream MA? You don't get a job or a PhD offer after you finish your MA, you have warm fuzzy experience, but also now owe the school 60k+ for having those experiences. 

I speak without direct knowledge of OP's choices, but assuming money is a constraint, then funding is a big deal.  Unless the MA is a magic bullet for the career, then you'd be looking at a round of PhD applications with a nice overhang of debt.  Not fun.

Now, I don't know what PhD programs will say about an early exit with an MA from one of their lower-ranked rivals, but if you're that worried about your Plan B, do check it out-- and make sure that you have the best possible CV when you re-apply to all the fantastic programs in 2 years.  I'm assuming that it really is OK for what you need, and isn't so much more inappropriate than your original first choice.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Concordia

[vexedscholar]

Hi, everyone. I think that I was unclear when I described the terminal MA; it was completely funded with a stipend, TA job, a generous scholarship, and some summer support in addition to the funding I could apply for to travel during the summer. When I said "great little funded," I should've said "great, funded MA in a small department." ("Little-funded"--with a hyphen-- would have meant that it wasn't really funded well.) Sorry for the clarity issues.

No lies, though, the school I chose offered me a TON of funding. I still can't believe what I've been offered. But, as I said, it wasn't my top choice, and tthe MA was 100% funded, as well, and was better for me, as I don't want (or need) a PhD. Also, this particular MA has been on my list for years. It's unique in that it doesn't offer a PhD, so MA students automatically get lots of attention, AND the programs got good reviews from both current students and alumni.

[TMP]

At this stage, it's called buyer's remorse.

If you are 1000% sure you'd rather attend the MA program and you don't need the PhD for whatever you want to do, then by all means contact the MA program to see if the funding offer is still available.  But it might not be-- it's probably already contacted someone on the waitlist.

If it's just for the MA (and you don't want to finish the degree), you will survive at this location.  2 years does go by very, very fast.  Who knows, you might decide to stay on because you've enjoyed the time and company of the people you're around.

[Sigaba]

Discontinue the practice of peeing into the bowl of cornflakes of your happiness; your exams committee will do that for you. Often.

(I think you made the right decision. One really has no way of knowing if a program is a good fit until one gets there and sees how the sausage is made. Small departments can be tricky even when there's a high level of collegiality among professors--walls may talk, but departmental administrators gossip, and professors chat. If one enters a doctoral program with a MA from another institution, one basically has to earn another MA before becoming ABD. By not having to worry about applying to doctoral programs while earning a MA, you can focus more on what you need to get past quals. The geography you're going to be most focused on is the quickest path from your place of dwelling, to your classes, to the library, and to the most peaceful bathrooms on campus [no way to sugar coat it.])

 

 

[vexedscholar]

You're all terrific! I really appreciate being talked down from the precipice.

I actually talked to the DGS at the MA institution, and she essentially said exactly what you all said. (Particularly you, @TMP and @Sigaba) I also spoke with a professor at one of my local universities (a rather well-known, respected school), and he basically gave me good tough love and told me to appreciate that I have it good, and that this all is paving the road to a great future. He's right, and I'm appreciative of it all. And it *is* nice not to have to think about re-applying to another program in two years...if I even want a Ph.D.

I tend to overreact(note to self: get to know the university's counseling center very well), and I'm prone to anxiety, so thanks for assuaging my neurosis! 

Thanks!

Edited April 19, 2016 by vexedscholar