Am I at the wrong grad school? Please help.

[olv_cpx_plag_mt]

Hi everyone. I am in a rough situation and need some advice.

 

I have had a very unconventional journey to grad school. Let me begin by explaining that I am an older student (not over 35, but older than the undergrad crowd), before coming to grad school I lived with my fiancé in a wonderful city on the West Coast. I was accepted to grad school with a year left in my undergrad program (accepted in April 2015, graduated undergrad the following March 2016).  My PIs had another student who dropped out at the last minute; they freaked and sent emails to all of their colleagues trying to get a new student. One of my professors received the email, forwarded it to me, and on a whim (completely without thought, I might add. I believe why attitude was “why not?”) I applied just to see what would happen. Well, they accepted me as a PhD student with full funding. The plan is that I spend the academic years at University of X (a state school, not prestigious or rigorous in any way) working with PI1, and the summers conducting research at Institute X (not a university, but a prestigious research institution) with PI2. I accepted for three reasons 1.) full funding is hard to turn down, 2.) I didn’t want to take the GRE (still haven’t, it was waived), and 3.) I was scared I wouldn’t get in anywhere else (this is irrational, I know).

 

I am also interested in the research project that I am on. Or at least I thought I was. I’ve been working on this project for 4 months now (I started in May) and I am already growing weary. I’m learning that what I thought I was coming here to study is not in fact what I’m supposed to be studying. In addition, I am the only student studying subject Z in a school for studying UVXY(and sometimes Z), which is very lonely. All of my peers are studying U, V, X, and Y; their offices are close by and they seem to get along. Many of them also went to undergrad together. I am isolated to a different building. I have no friends here and am isolated in my studies.

 

My PIs never mislead me, I think I misinterpreted the situation, and now I think I’m at the wrong grad school.

 

School has only been in session for three weeks, but I am finding myself falling into a depression. My friends/family keep telling me it’s homesickness or culture shock (grew up on the West Coast, now on the East Coast), but I’m not convinced.

 

I am normally a top student. I had a 3.9 in my undergrad, I have the NSF,  etc, etc, the usual list of accolades for top students… Because of this funk I’m in, I’ve started to become academically destructive. I haven’t been turning in homework, I’ve been cutting classes, not doing the reading, not participating in discussions/demonstrations. In addition, I have no interested at all in conducting my research. I can’t even remember what excited me about this field in the first place. I have never felt more lost or depressed in my life.

 

I have been secretly looking at other programs that might be a better fit for me. The Z community is very small, and I don’t want to email any other potential PIs because I’m worried that it might get back to my current PIs. I know I need to talk to my PI at some point, but she’s so kind and generous; I really don’t want to disappoint her, but if I stay here I don’t think that I’ll be the stellar student that I use to be.

 

What should I do? Should I just tell my PI about my unhappiness and continue with my exit strategy? 

[dr. t]

1 hour ago, olv_cpx_plag_mt said:

What should I do? Should I just tell my PI about my unhappiness and continue with my exit strategy? 

Yes.

[AZMoose]

You are not alone in this situation.  This year I landed at what I thought was my dream school, great faculty adviser, good placement rates, a program on the rise rankings wise.  I got here, had a great attitude about things, put my best foot forward to be friendly and establish good working (and possibly) social relations, and that is not easy for an introvert like me.  But, the culture here is not so much toxic, as it is isolationist.  Out of 25 PhD students (approximately), I have met 4, and that includes the one other new admit this year.  And of those I have met, none want to have anything to do with me, as in not even a courteous hello when we pass in the halls.  The professors are never around.  They only come in right before they have a class, stay for class, and then get out.  My adviser is great, but now he is expressing a bit of displeasure because my preliminary research is taking me in a slightly different (yet related) direction (let's just say what would have been my dissertation is now looking like a chapter or two instead of the whole thing).  My conclusion is I just do not fit in here.  At first I was worried, but now I am just at the point where if that is the case, so be it.  I can't change me, or the fact I feel very uncomfortable.  Trust me, I have tried, but I honestly do not have the time to do my work and assistantship duties, and try to make myself fit where I just do not.  So, yes, let them know what you are feeling, and keep looking.  That is exactly what I am doing.  I do not want to unnecessarily waste their time or mine if this is not going to work out.  Best of luck to you, I personally know that this is a hard spot to be in.

[olv_cpx_plag_mt]

@AZMoose I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Have you told your advisor yet? I'm terrified to speak with my advisor; I have a strong feeling that she's going to try and convince me to stay. :/ Any tips for this hard conversation? 

[fuzzylogician]

21 minutes ago, olv_cpx_plag_mt said:

@AZMoose I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Have you told your advisor yet? I'm terrified to speak with my advisor; I have a strong feeling that she's going to try and convince me to stay. :/ Any tips for this hard conversation? 

Because the Z community is very small, it seems important not to burn any bridges. But keeping silent and suffering is not a good way to do that. This is a difficult conversation, but it needs to happen. Three weeks in is a good time to stop the trajectory you're on and actively do something to change it. As a way of keeping as many options open as possible, I might consider agreeing to give this year a real shot at your current program, since you're there anyway. It's also important as a sign of good faith, because even if you leave, you want your current advisor to continue to think positively of you. It happens that people don't fit in for whatever reason, and reasonable advisors should understand that. So when you have this conversation it, it's good to come prepared with some thoughts about how things could improve, if there is anyway you can see of that happening. One thing I would seriously consider is looking into a way to move your physical space from this other building to where everyone else is. It's a small surprise that being alone and separated from the others is making you feel left out and isolated. And then I would ask myself if there is a way to include myself in other research activities or to become involved in other projects. Maybe there is someone at another school who you could Skype with. 

At the same time, I would also continue looking into applying to other schools, in case this doesn't work out. So, do the most to make this work, but keep other options alive by doing what's necessary for that (be it GRE or SOP writing). It would be a great benefit to your application if you could get your advisor to support your application and write a LOR for you. I realize that this is a delicate thing, but it'll give you the best chance of success. 

[speechfan222]

This seems like a tough situation. I don't have any suggestions unfortunately. But I was curious, how did you get the GRE waived? A few universities I applied to require the GRE without any exceptions.

[AZMoose]

37 minutes ago, olv_cpx_plag_mt said:

@AZMoose I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Have you told your advisor yet? I'm terrified to speak with my advisor; I have a strong feeling that she's going to try and convince me to stay. :/ Any tips for this hard conversation? 

I've met with the program coordinator, who is not a prof here, but is my temporary advisor until my plan of study gets put in with my actual advisor.  The three of us have a meeting scheduled next week, but I know the coordinator is sympathetic, but also wants me to give this place a chance.  I have a feeling I will get something similar from the prof who is supposed to be my advisor/committee chair.  Honestly, it was a bit uncomfortable to have this discussion, but, I am also a grown man and needed to speak up if something feels amiss. The best advice I can give you is be honest and upfront without being  confrontational, if that makes sense.  Fuzzy gave some great advice as well, and I am rtaking their words to heart. For me the harder conversation will be with my family who really wanted me to come where I am because they are all here as well and I have been living in the Pacific Northwest for years because that is where my wife is from.  I will update you after my meeting next week. Feel free to PM me as well if you need an ear to bend or extra support.  I know how it feels to be feel like you are on your own or stuck in an unpleasant situation.  Best of luck to you.

[olv_cpx_plag_mt]

@speechfan222  I have no idea how my advisor got the GRE waived for me. She is kind of a big deal at my school (lots of successful NSF grants, publications in prestigious journals, etc...). I think the administration lets her do what she wants. Sorry I can't be of more help. 

Thanks everybody for your support and advice! 

 

[Concordia]

Looking on the bright side, is it possible that 3 weeks isn't enough to definitively set the mold?  

Perhaps asking open-ended questions of the PI might be a decent way to get some motion. Not "how do I get out of here?", but, "is it normal that 1st-years feel so isolated?  Are there things I should be doing to forge better ties with (colleagues, Project Z people, etc.)"  

If the PI sees that there is a fixable problem at hand, something might get done.

[Eigen]

12 hours ago, Concordia said:

Looking on the bright side, is it possible that 3 weeks isn't enough to definitively set the mold?  

Perhaps asking open-ended questions of the PI might be a decent way to get some motion. Not "how do I get out of here?", but, "is it normal that 1st-years feel so isolated?  Are there things I should be doing to forge better ties with (colleagues, Project Z people, etc.)"  

If the PI sees that there is a fixable problem at hand, something might get done.

This. You've only been there 3 weeks, which is a very small amount of time to judge the rest of your PhD by. This is especially true since you'll be going back and forth between two schools. 

You also seem to think what you study is important for making friends, which in my experience it completely isn't. The people I hung out with the most in grad school I had very little research overlaps with. The struggles with your work are still largely the same, you're going through the same process, and you have a lot more in common from that than you think. Give it some time, go meet people with offices down the hall, and don't focus so much on the fact that you research Z and they all research X and Y.