Bad first term and fellowship applications due to illness/disability

[orange turtle]

Hi. I have an invisible disability that involves a chronic health condition and a language processing disability. This recent fall, I started my graduate program at a new university. The university is an R1type university in Canada. Moving to a new place meant I had to adjust to a new health care system and wait in line for a new specialist, which I have yet to see till today. The wait line at student health services was also very long (7 weeks for a new appointment). 

Long story short, I have been struggling terribly. The stress of a new program and such has also left me sick most of the beginning of the first term. (Note that my disability allows me to have the standard accommodations in place like a tape recorder and extra time for exams, but it doesn't address the actual realities of my situation.)

Every day in class and lab has been a terrible uphill climb for me. As I missed a bunch of work at the beginning, I spent an inordinate amount of time playing catch up. Of course by then, a lot of other work started to pile up and i was behind again necessitating more catch up. It was a vicious cycle.  I felt like the stupidest person in class as I constantly feel like I'm in a fog from the lack of sleep, my speech is affected because of my disability, and I'm just stressed out, period. It doesn't help that my classes are taught by different professors every day. They call on me in class and I struggle to talk on the spot due to my language disability.

I am terrified of approaching my profs because it feels like I will be telling the entire faculty (because classes are taught by a different prof every day) about my problem by the end of the year and I will be known as the stupid student. Being new, I also don't know whom I can trust yet. My new supervisor is great but she is only tangentially related to my program and I don't know if she would appreciate playing "mommy" to personal issues when I really should be able to figure this out. And so I spend so much time studying "extra" hoping that I will be "extra familiar" with the material that when they call on me I can by-pass my language disability and answer them (I can't but I try). That, of course, just means I spend more time stressing, less time sleeping, and digging myself deeper into the hole I'm already in. 

Has anyone been in this "I really should know how to deal with this better by now" situations?

When I was an undergrad, I had the opportunity to get to know my profs and could explain my disability to them. The problem with the way my current doctoral program is structured just makes this so much more difficult. Also I am worried how performing badly so early on in the program is gonna affect my chances of applying for fellowships? (I have a very strong undergraduate GPA and publications) Will the department think they made a mistake admitting me?  I will be applying for fellowships in the summer and will have to impress my department before I can get to the university competition. How will a bad first term affect me? 

And if you're wondering, yes, I'm terribly tired from this horrible term and just overwhelmingly stressed and sleep-deprived.

Thank you.

Edit: I know this post falls under several sections such as "The bank" and "Coursework, advising, and exams." Apologies if this should have gone there instead!

Edited December 30, 2016 by orange turtle
Clarification

[TakeruK]

Hello!

First, please take care of yourself during the break. If you haven't taken some time off, doing that could be a good idea. 

Next, I think you are right that you will have to do something or there will be negative consequences down the line. I have not been in your situation, so maybe this won't be the best advice but I hope it provides a useful perspective. I think that most of the problems that students have in grad school are due to unclear communication with the faculty. I think it's really important that you talk to the professors about these issues and get their support, if you are able to be comfortable with doing so.

I think it is worth the risk (responding to the "not knowing who you can trust") because there has been and will continue to be more negative consequences for you if you don't get the right support. Again, I'm not in your shoes and I don't know what the situation is like, but I would ask myself what is worse: being labelled as a bad student and not getting nominated by the department for anything, or having people find out about your disability? I feel like the negative consequences of having the faculty know is unimportant if they are already writing you off as a non-successful student. 

But I'm not considering the emotional impact of having everyone know. I can't know how you would feel and I don't mean to minimize this part of your experience either. If you are finding it challenging to bring up, does your school's disability office have people that can guide you through this? If not, I would go to the school's counseling center and talk to a counselor for advice. It might also be helpful to come up with a plan for things that you need in class to actually help you (not just the recorder). For example, you can probably ask for professors to not call upon you in class (if it's part of the evaluation, then they can come up with an alternate way to evaluate whatever they're looking for). Or, if you want to still participate in this way, let them know to give you a little more time to formulate your response if they call on you. 

Ultimately, it's up to you what to do of course and I don't want to pressure you in any way. From the way you describe the situation, things sound like some action needs to be taken, but it's not too late to change the course of your graduate school. It also sounds like the upcoming semesters will go the same way (unless this first semester of your program is special for some reason?) so that's why I think intervention is better sooner rather than later.

Finally, it's not just your responsibility to "figure it out" by yourself. The department should have some responsibility in ensuring you have access to the support you need to succeed. They accepted you into their program, so they bear some responsibility for your success. I think it is okay to let your new supervisor know what's going on---you don't need her to play "mommy" but it's no longer just a personal issue since it's affecting your academic performance. But maybe she can help you identify some professors you can trust and go to first. And if you decide not to tell the majority of professors, if other faculty mention your performance in reviews or other department meetings, you have an ally that can help you (without revealing the personal details). 

Good luck in the new year. I don't think you need to go through this alone. I hope you are able to find people on campus that you can talk to and get support for your disability.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I'm very sorry that this semester didn't go as planned! I have a speech impediment and my bf has an autoimmune illness too. So you aren't alone and while I can't completely understand since I'm not you, I can kinda relate. I know expressing your problems will be difficult but I think that is the only way you can get over this hump. Maybe go to the disability office and have a couple meetings to come up with a game plan? Then email your chair/head of department to see if they can come by so they can also be a part of plan? Then with your permission have the chair privately discuss this with your upcoming professors and maybe talk to your new professors after the first day of class to be on the same page? This way it doesn't look like you are trying to make excuses? Idk if this helped but I wish you good luck!

[fuzzylogician]

OP, I relate to this in more ways than I care to describe right now, especially the vicious circle you talk about in your post, but not just. Here is what I've learned over the years: you can't do it alone. You need to have a support circle around you (including of course your friends and family), and you need to trust your advisors. If you ever wish to have a career in academia -- but even if you just want to make it through a PhD and then do something else -- these people will need to be your supporters for many years to come, including long after you graduate. You have to trust them to act in your best interest and to want you to succeed, otherwise none of this is going to work. 

So with that assumption in mind, you need to start thinking about how you approach someone at your school about this. A decent advisor will want to help you with this, but they can't do it if they don't know that there is a problem. Or even if they see that there is a problem, unless they know what it is, many will wait for you to approach them instead of making assumptions that may turn out be wrong. This doesn't mean you need to tell everyone, but there may be ways to make strategic decisions about who to talk to and what information to share. Depending on how comfortable you feel about talking to someone in your department, you may want to get help from the office of students with disabilities or from the ombudsperson at your school, who will either know how to approach this, or will have the resources to find out.

If you do feel comfortable just doing this yourself, I can think of three options for who you would talk to: your advisor, the DGS, or the department chair. You would share some details of your situation as you are comfortable doing -- they don't need and may not want to know too many details. You concentrate in particular on how it's affecting your work, including falling behind, having a hard time catching up, how it's making your feel, and your concerns about how it's affecting your instructors' opinions of you. Once you get someone on your side, you can ask them to talk to your other instructors confidentially to share just enough to explain that there is an issue that requires some consideration. 

You should come prepared with some ideas of how your department can help you. Will having more time for assignments help? Do you need some one-on-one time with someone to help you catch up? Should you maybe postpone some course to a later semester to spread things out in a more manageable way? Would it make sense to take an incomplete in some course to concentrate on the others? Would it help to have a particular RA/TA assignment that would be better suited for you and save you time/effort, so you can concentrate on other things? This part is very important, because if you don't know what you need, they will have a hard time helping you. If you talk to someone from the office of disabilities, something to find out is the kinds of things that they facilitate, so you can get some ideas for possible things to ask for, if you're not sure yet what you need. 

It's not too late to fix whatever first impression you may have made on others. It's only the first semester, and if you are able to pick things up and set a better course for the future, I think a lot of people will appreciate you for dealing with a difficulty and finding your way through it. It's really not uncommon for students to take at least a semester to adjust to grad school, so this may not be nearly as unique to you or devastating as you might be imagining. If you are able to get back on track and do well next semester, I think there is every chance that you'll be supported for fellowships in the summer and that, more generally, your professors will think highly of you. 

And take care of yourself. That's so important, and hard to do exactly when you need it most!

[orange turtle]

@TakeruK, @Need Coffee in an IV, and @fuzzylogician,

Thank you very much for your replies and words of support. You don't know how much this means to me.  I've taken your advice and contacted my advisor at the disability resource centre at the university. The autoreply said she was away but she replied quite quickly (guess I sounded frantic enough!). I then contacted the department chair who also got back to me almost instantly. Both said to come and see them when term starts next week. Both had been, naturally, unaware I've been struggling from a disability- and health - related problem.  The department chair also said he hadn't heard any complaints about my performance so far when they had their year - end review of all the students in my cohort so I'm not entirely doomed yet. He also mentioned students struggle in various capacities in the first term (usually from just the shock of transitioning from undergrad to Grad work) that faculty are used to seeing zombie students for the first couple of terms that they shrug it off as normal when students don't sleep or party too much. He's not sure yet what to do about all the different profs I have every day but I guess it's a good start.

I also emailed my PI who also said to come chat - - she thought I was having trouble talking to her because I was nervous around her and just needed time to warm up (that's true, too; the stress of trying to figure out how to tell people without being labelled incompetent just made my problem so much worse)

Thank you for your help. And happy new year. 

[fuzzylogician]

@orange turtle that's excellent, I'm glad you've decided to reach out and get help, and I am very happy to hear that everyone has responded very kindly. It sounds like everyone wants to help and there will be a way to figure things out. Good luck! 

[Need Coffee in an IV]

Thats great! I'm happy you are getting the help you need. It shows that you have a supportive department and that makes everything easier. Remember you can vent on here anytime!

[TakeruK]

Hooray! Glad to hear that you are going to get the support to succeed in your program  Happy new year!

[orange turtle]

@TakeruK, @Need Coffee in an IV, @fuzzylogician, and others who might be interested;

So my grades were all released today and it turns out I didn't do as badly as I thought. I actually managed an A in all my classes. I just saw my graduate director this morning as he asked me to come by after the grades were released and his conclusion was that I didn't do as badly as I thought I did. He looked like he was trying so hard not to laugh while he talked to me this morning.

I'm putting this here just in case somebody else is going to panic at the end of the year for similar reasons and wondered if there was going to be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[TakeruK]

Yay! I am glad it worked out

It's sometimes tough knowing what expectations are so hopefully this semester will allow you to calibrate these expectations for future terms. Also, it sounds like you have already set up a good support network in case you do need it in the future. Best of luck!!

[Le Chat]

 

1) If you are able to provide a lot of documentation and a thorough plan with student disability services, it may be easier to set up a plan with your advisors/supervisors/professors. How much you disclose is up to you, but if it makes your life easier it may be worth it. They may also be able to help with language processing strategies if you need help in that area.

2) If you are able to reduce your hours or do part-time, I would recommend it. 

3) Establish emergency plans if needed. If you end up in a hospital or have an emergency, your faculty will know what to do in advance. See if your school allows students to take breaks, and for how long. 

4) Informal accomodations can be very helpful. They got me through my student teaching semester which included extra absences, breaks during the day, extended deadlines.

5) Self care! Talking to a counselor or advisor may help you with adjustment and also lifestyle modifications to make things easier for you. 

6) Getting any assistive devices or accomodations you may need can help a ton. I'm in the US, but I will be getting a handicap parking permit. 

I hope you are able to figure this all out. If you have any questions feel free to message me. I've found that university faculty and staff have been very accommodating and helpful once I told them everything that was going on.