Afraid of being let down again

[LadyL]

I have been pretty calm during the application process (this is my third round so I felt extremely prepared). But now that I'm waiting on interviews my paranoia is getting the best of me.

I was invited for an informal interview at a school I think would be a great fit. During the meeting, the head of the program told me that I would "probably be one of the top applicants to the program." He explained the funding options in depth and asked about what labs I was most interested in. He even showed me what desk he'd have me sit at if I was accepted to work in his lab. At the end he told me when the admissions committee meets, when the interview dates were, and asked if I'd be potentially interested in coming back to visit again during interview weekend. I left feeling great about the program and my chances of at least being seriously considered as a candidate. In a follow up email he said that he'd "be in touch once the admissions committee has had a chance to meet."

So why have I convinced myself that it was all an elaborate joke and I'm not actually going to get an interview there? I mean, the adcomm met 6 whole days ago and I've heard nothing, obviously they hate me. But seriously, there are so many logistical issues that could come up, like maybe there were tons of competitive applicants within my sub field or huge budget cuts or something.

Even worse I have evidence that this thinking is not totally paranoid, because last year I got a positive email response from a professor at another school encouraging me to apply and agreeing to a meeting, only to have him back out of the meeting last minute. I never did get a formal interview for the program. This year I found out that that program gives professors a list of GRE scores and names to go through as a first pass, so I suspect that my above average but not steller scores got me thrown out in the first round. This prof. seemed enthusiastic about my experience initially but that was obviously not predictive of anything. I also had an informal phone interview for another program that went well, only to be later waitlisted and then rejected due to funding issues. I know all too well that just because someone likes you doesn't mean you're getting in.

I don't mean to sound like I feel entitled to an interview or anything but I just don't want to be led on. It's pretty mortifying to get excited about connecting with a professor only to have it fall through completely. And I'm sure I'm not the only one plagued by huge self doubt right about now. If anyone else is freaking out in ways they know are probably irrational but seemingly impossible to avoid, I'd appreciate knowing I'm not the only one .

[mudlark]

So why have I convinced myself that it was all an elaborate joke and I'm not actually going to get an interview there?

It's called Impostor Syndrome, and it doesn't go away after you get accepted.

If it helps, I got a great funding package when I applied last year. I had accepted the offer, and done all the paperwork, but I was convinced that before the first paycheck came through they would realize that I was a moron and not worth nearly that much money, and take it back. A few paychecks later, and there's still a part of me that believes that.

Do you have a close friend who you can enlist to say "Snap out of it, of course you're awesome"? Or talk you through the logic of what you're saying? I mean, even if the emotional stress of applications isn't something that you can get rid of right now, maybe you can talk yourself out of a few of your worst case scenarios. Which is more likely? a ) that you met someone who is seriously interested in working with you OR b ) that the whole department gets together each year to pick out a couple of stooges, and watches on hidden cameras giggling about how they're never going to get to sit in that desk? Try making the nightmare scenario as ridiculous as possible. If they were really just out to humiliate you, why not cover the desk chair in pudding and have you sit down? Maybe the professor's not real... just a grad student with a fake beard. Maybe the lab is all cardboard cut-outs and papier mache and they have their undergrads put it together for extra credit every year. If you make what you're scared of seem ridiculous, it can help kill the tension.

[LadyL]

It's called Impostor Syndrome, and it doesn't go away after you get accepted.

If it helps, I got a great funding package when I applied last year. I had accepted the offer, and done all the paperwork, but I was convinced that before the first paycheck came through they would realize that I was a moron and not worth nearly that much money, and take it back. A few paychecks later, and there's still a part of me that believes that.

Do you have a close friend who you can enlist to say "Snap out of it, of course you're awesome"? Or talk you through the logic of what you're saying? I mean, even if the emotional stress of applications isn't something that you can get rid of right now, maybe you can talk yourself out of a few of your worst case scenarios. Which is more likely? a ) that you met someone who is seriously interested in working with you OR b ) that the whole department gets together each year to pick out a couple of stooges, and watches on hidden cameras giggling about how they're never going to get to sit in that desk? Try making the nightmare scenario as ridiculous as possible. If they were really just out to humiliate you, why not cover the desk chair in pudding and have you sit down? Maybe the professor's not real... just a grad student with a fake beard. Maybe the lab is all cardboard cut-outs and papier mache and they have their undergrads put it together for extra credit every year. If you make what you're scared of seem ridiculous, it can help kill the tension.

LOL too funny, thanks for the laughs with those images .

The thing about encouragement is that I was told by tons of people last year that I had unique experience, that I'd get in no problem, etc. etc. etc. These weren't random relatives or strangers on the bus either, these were people who serve on admissions committees, were professors at schools I applied to, etc. And they were all wrong. Granted the economic crisis was a huge factor too but still. Perhaps it's the ultimate in narcissism that I think that my awesomeness should have overriden the economy crashing. But people did get into schools last year, and I wasn't one of them, not sure how else to take that.

I know that this year is different and I'm a stronger applicant but that doesn't guarantee anything about the outcomes. So it's hard to take any encouragement or support seriously. I feel like I have to be cynical because if I get hopeful and get let down again I will have to seriously reconsider an academic career; I don't know if I can go through round 4 of applications! I don't have anything else that I really want to do with my life. There are things I *could* do but they're not ideal and I'd probably feel as stuck as I do now.

[Diverchica]

I know exactly how you feel. This is my second round, and last year I felt "led on" by a prospective advisor. She was told me "we really want you to come here" and, "it seems like a perfect fit," etc etc. I got my hopes up, and then she informed me that she was choosing between myself and another applicant. She even told me I was offered a 1 yr assistantship by the addmission committee, but she had to choose, and needed to know if I would definitely come if offered admission. Needless to say she chose the other student.

Well, here I am again. This time, I have the attention of another professor from a different school, who seems just as interested as the woman from last year (an MS program), as well as two professors on separate occasions (from a professional masters program) telling me that he "really thinks I'll get in" and the other saying he'd be "shocked if I didn't get in." I find myself trying my hardest to think the worst, so I wont feel the dissapointment again if the worst should happen.

I know this probably doesn't help you to hear about my let downs, but just know you are not alone! Being asked to come back by the professor before you even left the office is a great sign! I think there are more good experiences than bad after a professor expresses THAT strong of an interest in a student. Being a veteran of the application process helps as well, or so I've found. Also, the waiting is most likely just making you freak out even more than you normally would. I guess I'm just trying to say, do as I say not as I do. Try to immerse yourself in something else that's productive. Reading helps me. I'm also planning my wedding, so that makes the time pass. You'll find out before you know it. Also, I know a lot of admission committee meetings get canceled and rescheduled many times. Don't stress!!

There's my two cents

[LadyL]

I know exactly how you feel. This is my second round, and last year I felt "led on" by a prospective advisor. She was told me "we really want you to come here" and, "it seems like a perfect fit," etc etc. I got my hopes up, and then she informed me that she was choosing between myself and another applicant. She even told me I was offered a 1 yr assistantship by the addmission committee, but she had to choose, and needed to know if I would definitely come if offered admission. Needless to say she chose the other student.

Well, here I am again. This time, I have the attention of another professor from a different school, who seems just as interested as the woman from last year (an MS program), as well as two professors on separate occasions (from a professional masters program) telling me that he "really thinks I'll get in" and the other saying he'd be "shocked if I didn't get in." I find myself trying my hardest to think the worst, so I wont feel the dissapointment again if the worst should happen.

I know this probably doesn't help you to hear about my let downs, but just know you are not alone! Being asked to come back by the professor before you even left the office is a great sign! I think there are more good experiences than bad after a professor expresses THAT strong of an interest in a student. Being a veteran of the application process helps as well, or so I've found. Also, the waiting is most likely just making you freak out even more than you normally would. I guess I'm just trying to say, do as I say not as I do. Try to immerse yourself in something else that's productive. Reading helps me. I'm also planning my wedding, so that makes the time pass. You'll find out before you know it. Also, I know a lot of admission committee meetings get canceled and rescheduled many times. Don't stress!!

There's my two cents

I am so sorry you were jerked around like that, that's terrible! At least all I dealt with was avoidance and an apology about funding, rather than being flat out told "it was between you and them, and we picked them." Good for you for trying again, I feel like if we got that close last time, we have to get it this time, right? Oh wait, if I believed that I wouldn't have started this thread .

You are right about distraction. I laid down plans months ago to go full force with my hobbies this month and next - I'm doing styling gigs for a convention and a fashion show, running several club events, etc. I also started training for a 5K. And I'm working on a conference submission at work along with a million other things. Is it enough to get my mind fully off of things? Of course not!

[psychdork]

LadyL, thank you so much for starting this thread! You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. This is my second year applying, and while I feel that I am a much stronger candidate this year. I still can't help thinking/expecting the worst. Back in early December after I sent in all my apps I felt extremely confident about my chances (definitely not overly confident, just a healthy level). And then for awhile I did the roller coaster thing going back and forth between "I'll be accepted everywhere with full funding" to "no one will take me" but recently all I keep thinking is that I'm going to be rejected again. Every day I don't hear anything I just become even more convinced, even though none of the schools I applied to have started notifying yet, at least according to the results page. I guess it definitely doesn't help that this week last year I received my first rejection letter from my first choice...

I want to be positive, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up again just in case it doesn't work out this year as well.

[Diverchica]

LadyL, thank you so much for starting this thread! You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. This is my second year applying, and while I feel that I am a much stronger candidate this year. I still can't help thinking/expecting the worst.

My thoughts EXACTLY!!!

[intextrovert]

I am also reapplying - two years since my first attempt. I spend a lot of time trying to rein my mind in - I can't help but skip ahead a few months and imagine best-case scenarios (which I try to stop in their tracks for fear of jinxes), worst-case ones, and all the ones in between (which really, are also best-case because they don't involve all rejections). Last time I applied, I was working an office job and applied in secret, so only had to tell my close friends and parents about not getting in. This time, since I'm teaching at a school with a very close community, everyone knows: the administration, fellow faculty, even the students. I keep telling them that it is a very real possibility that I won't get in, but I don't think they really believe it, and it will suck a LOT to have to tell them that I'll be back next year. Though they assure me they'd be happy, particularly the administration who is not looking forward to replacing me - the department head (who's taking a sabbatical next year) keeps trying to "bribe" me to stay by offering me the chair, haha.

Last time I made no contacts with people at the departments I was applying to, and this time I have, so I'm trying not to put too much stock in the positive feedback, since that is obviously no guarantee. Like the rest of you, I feel a lot better about my application this time around - and a lot more ready for grad school - but it's such a lottery, and I'm terrified of a second round of rejections. You know: reject me once, shame on you. Reject me twice, shame on me. Ha. I REALLY don't want to have to do this again.

[artist_lily]

I am also reapplying - two years since my first attempt. I spend a lot of time trying to rein my mind in - I can't help but skip ahead a few months and imagine best-case scenarios (which I try to stop in their tracks for fear of jinxes), worst-case ones, and all the ones in between (which really, are also best-case because they don't involve all rejections). Last time I applied, I was working an office job and applied in secret, so only had to tell my close friends and parents about not getting in. This time, since I'm teaching at a school with a very close community, everyone knows: the administration, fellow faculty, even the students. I keep telling them that it is a very real possibility that I won't get in, but I don't think they really believe it, and it will suck a LOT to have to tell them that I'll be back next year. Though they assure me they'd be happy, particularly the administration who is not looking forward to replacing me - the department head (who's taking a sabbatical next year) keeps trying to "bribe" me to stay by offering me the chair, haha.

Last time I made no contacts with people at the departments I was applying to, and this time I have, so I'm trying not to put too much stock in the positive feedback, since that is obviously no guarantee. Like the rest of you, I feel a lot better about my application this time around - and a lot more ready for grad school - but it's such a lottery, and I'm terrified of a second round of rejections. You know: reject me once, shame on you. Reject me twice, shame on me. Ha. I REALLY don't want to have to do this again.

It's like you've read my mind; thanks so much for putting into such perfect words (and for making me realize I'm not alone). Because I couldn't manage to go about this process in secret (I'm living abroad and needed my parents to help put application materials together), I feel as if it's not just me who's going to be cosmically disappointed when I don't get accepted anywhere; it's going to be my whole damn family. Not to mention that because I've asked for a letter of recommendation from the chair of the English department at the high school I used to teach at, it'll be that whole community there, too, who realizes I suck. Plus, of course, the many friends and current European colleagues who had to be told about the process so as to avoid making them think I had, over the past year, come down with a severe psychological ailment, and last but certainly not least, the professors who have cheerfully written letter after letter on my behalf, only to be told come this spring, that the undergrad they expended so much time and effort trying to help, is, alas, without even one measly grad school acceptance -- not even to one of the four mediocre but passable programs she applied to. The bottom line: so many people's best (abstract) wishes and best (tangible) efforts are riding on this, that to be denied from every program won't be a rejection I suffer in silence, but a humiliation and shaming I'm forced to endure in public, among the very people I most respect and whom I would most want to be proud of me. It really is the shame of shames.

*Steps off soapbox* Now, that feels better... sort of.

[LadyL]

to be denied from every program won't be a rejection I suffer in silence, but a humiliation and shaming I'm forced to endure in public, among the very people I most respect and whom I would most want to be proud of me. It really is the shame of shames.

Having been there twice already, it's not the shame of shames, I promise. Everyone was disappointed for me, but not in me, if that makes sense. My boss (and letter writer)'s reaction when I got all rejections: "Those bastards!" He actually seemed more upset that his recommendation hadn't carried more weight. He said "I thought I wrote you a strong letter" and looked kind of sad. So, I felt bad that it was disappointing for everyone, but it was also reassuring to know that they all really did care and that I had their support. And they have put up with this third round of letters, for which there were 16 applications total, so you'd be surprised at how patient people can be.

[artist_lily]

Having been there twice already, it's not the shame of shames, I promise. Everyone was disappointed for me, but not in me, if that makes sense. My boss (and letter writer)'s reaction when I got all rejections: "Those bastards!" He actually seemed more upset that his recommendation hadn't carried more weight. He said "I thought I wrote you a strong letter" and looked kind of sad. So, I felt bad that it was disappointing for everyone, but it was also reassuring to know that they all really did care and that I had their support. And they have put up with this third round of letters, for which there were 16 applications total, so you'd be surprised at how patient people can be.

Lady L, I can't thank you enough for the kind words you've summoned from your own experience. It is so nice to see that even though such an experience seems, at first glance, insurmountable, it is, in fact, possible to emotionally withstand such a situation and even to come out the better for it. It's also wonderful to hear how understanding your letter writers were. I hope that I am lucky enough to have the same experience as you. Really, though, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience; just hearing your story made me instantly feel better about how I might manage to cope with the rejection, without feeling as if I've let down not only myself, but all those around me. Many, many cosmic good vibes to you in this third round -- I do hope that you get in everywhere you apply... with full funding!

[modernity]

I feel the same way about all of this. I was rejected last year across the board, and I worry I'll have a similar fate this year. I've changed a lot about my application - more schools, different field, more experience, better recommendations, etc. However, this doesn't mean I'll get in - it is so unpredictable that you can't possibly know for sure. Some days I'm sure I'll get in somewhere, and others I'm convinced I'll be rejected across the board. Then even if I do allow myself to imagine I'll get in somewhere (oh the jinxes this must create), I'll convince myself I have no chance at funding - and will face the prospect of running myself into a load of debt, or giving up the academic dream. It's all quite stressful.

[artist_lily]

Having been there twice already, it's not the shame of shames, I promise. Everyone was disappointed for me, but not in me, if that makes sense. My boss (and letter writer)'s reaction when I got all rejections: "Those bastards!" He actually seemed more upset that his recommendation hadn't carried more weight. He said "I thought I wrote you a strong letter" and looked kind of sad. So, I felt bad that it was disappointing for everyone, but it was also reassuring to know that they all really did care and that I had their support. And they have put up with this third round of letters, for which there were 16 applications total, so you'd be surprised at how patient people can be.

Last minute thought: would you mind saying something about how you've been spending the time in between application rounds? And better yet, how you find the incredible stamina to keep going? I'm starting to form Backup Plans C, D, and E, and would love to hear about your experience making in through the "in-between" times. This would be great advice as I start thinking of how to spend the next year before application season rolls around again.

[meowmeow]

The bottom line: so many people's best (abstract) wishes and best (tangible) efforts are riding on this, that to be denied from every program won't be a rejection I suffer in silence, but a humiliation and shaming I'm forced to endure in public, among the very people I most respect and whom I would most want to be proud of me.

I feel exactly the same way. I think I can handle the overwhelming likelihood of rejection, but I don't know if I can handle having to share the news with everyone else who has supported me through the process.

I hope this is the year for you, OP and others!

Edited January 19, 2010 by meowmeow

[LadyL]

Last minute thought: would you mind saying something about how you've been spending the time in between application rounds? And better yet, how you find the incredible stamina to keep going? I'm starting to form Backup Plans C, D, and E, and would love to hear about your experience making in through the "in-between" times. This would be great advice as I start thinking of how to spend the next year before application season rolls around again.

I was lucky enough to keep my job in research due to a grant carryover. So I've continued working in my field and have added a ton of published work to my CV as a result (at least compared to the measly ONE poster I had last round!). I was given some opportunities to expand my skill set at work and was recently promoted (with a raise kicking in soon, yay!) so professionally I've done pretty well. I also applied for a national science foundation fellowship, which was a good experience in terms of learning about grant writing. It looks good on my applications, and if somehow I was to actually win it, a lot of schools will overturn a rejection if you have your own funding. I found out about the fellowship too late to apply last time but am glad I did so this time. It also got a lot of the writing for my applications out of the way.

As far as stamina to keep going, I spent a few weeks kind of wallowing in misery and disbelief - I seriously almost had a heart attack when I found out the wait list school fell through, locked myself in an office and just cried on the phone to my parents and boyfriend for like two hours. It really did suck but in the scheme of bad things that have happened to me it's not even in the top 5, maybe somewhere in the top 10 but only because I'm lucky and haven't had too much bad stuff happen in my life . I am grateful to have spent another year living where I do, I really like the area and will be sad if I have to leave. And honestly having a 9-5 job with benefits isn't all that bad - most of my time is mine to do what I want with, which is different from the 12 hour days I often pulled while in undergrad. So I have basically tried to enjoy living a normal life for a while and build up some sort of endurance reserve for grad school .

[rogue]

I feel exactly the same way. I think I can handle the overwhelming likelihood of rejection, but I don't know if I can handle having to share the news with everyone else who has supported me through the process.

I hope this is the year for you, OP and others!

Chime. I think it will be harder to tell friends and family than to get the bad news myself. I'm just hoping I get an acceptance or two early, to make the inevitable rejections easier to share.

[psychdork]

I feel exactly the same way. I think I can handle the overwhelming likelihood of rejection, but I don't know if I can handle having to share the news with everyone else who has supported me through the process.

I hope this is the year for you, OP and others!

That's how I feel. I'm used to dealing with my own disappointments, but there are several people who have devoted an unmeasurable amount of time and energy to help me with this, that I'll hate having to tell them once again that it wasn't enough. Last year everyone was really supportive of me and definitely upset at the schools that rejected me, but I still hated having to tell them.

[intextrovert]

It's like you've read my mind; thanks so much for putting into such perfect words (and for making me realize I'm not alone). Because I couldn't manage to go about this process in secret (I'm living abroad and needed my parents to help put application materials together), I feel as if it's not just me who's going to be cosmically disappointed when I don't get accepted anywhere; it's going to be my whole damn family. Not to mention that because I've asked for a letter of recommendation from the chair of the English department at the high school I used to teach at, it'll be that whole community there, too, who realizes I suck. Plus, of course, the many friends and current European colleagues who had to be told about the process so as to avoid making them think I had, over the past year, come down with a severe psychological ailment, and last but certainly not least, the professors who have cheerfully written letter after letter on my behalf, only to be told come this spring, that the undergrad they expended so much time and effort trying to help, is, alas, without even one measly grad school acceptance -- not even to one of the four mediocre but passable programs she applied to. The bottom line: so many people's best (abstract) wishes and best (tangible) efforts are riding on this, that to be denied from every program won't be a rejection I suffer in silence, but a humiliation and shaming I'm forced to endure in public, among the very people I most respect and whom I would most want to be proud of me. It really is the shame of shames.

*Steps off soapbox* Now, that feels better... sort of.

You are definitely not alone! I think we all feel like that. But I also think it's distorted from our own perspective; the prospect of rejection looms so large in our own consciousnesses that it feels like it must put us in a precarious position with others, too, as if they were "counting" on us to get in. In reality, though, these people wouldn't be disappointed IN us, but FOR us. I felt pretty shamed having to tell my letter writers two years ago, but they were really supportive, and when I contacted them again this round, my adviser told me not to think of the first round as a setback, and that I was a better candidate now and better for it.

I think about how I'd feel if, say, a friend was rejected from med schools. She might feel humiliated, but I wouldn't think differently of her, and certainly wouldn't be disappointed in her - I'd just feel sympathy and hope it worked out for her the next time. Even if I'd done something like write a letter in support (like I did for my best friend's Peace Corps app), it's not like I'd feel it was wasted effort, and I'd be more than happy to do it again. It's helpful for me to think about it like that when I get too carried away imagining "letting down" everyone and having to tell my students I didn't get in (they are seniors and like the idea that we are going through the app process and "graduating" together). It's like how if the lesson or discussion I'm leading tanks, I spend a lot of time thinking about it and it majorly affects my morale, and I feel like a bad teacher. But they are 17, and have their own lives, and forget about it immediately; it's just me that it's really important to. I have to recognize that imagining others' disappointment/frustration with me for not getting in is just a projection of my own fears and feelings, not an accurate or realistic picture of their likely reactions. Bottom line, focus on yourself! You may feel embarrassed, but recognize it as that: your feeling of embarrassment, not anything that corresponds to anyone else. This will have zero effect on how the people who have supported and cared about you up to this point think of you.

OR, we could all just get in and not have to worry!

Edited January 19, 2010 by intextrovert

[jmb04]

Ditto on the shame of shames. My entire extended family knows (aunts, uncles, cousins, and we're a huge family). My entire company knows that I'm giving up a huge corporate well-paying job for a chance at an academic career where I'll be "making peanuts." All my friends know. Even the non-close friends, since I'm dumb enough to put Facebook status updates about how the GRE went, and how I've officially submitted apps. Applying became such a big part of my life for a few months; how could I *NOT* talk about it?!

If I get rejected from everywhere, I'll be walking around with my tail between my legs hiding from everyone I know, and even those I barely know. I might have to change my identity and make new friends and family after all the shame I will feel.

Ditto on the Impostor Syndrome too. I feel like I've lived an entire life of academic and professional success mainly due to sheer luck. One day, the whole world will wake up and realize that I'm a fraud. The minute I start thinking about my accomplishments, I have mixed feelings: overly cocky tinged with a fear of jinxing my chances and preparing myself for heartbreak, and simultaneously inadequte because I begin to think that everyone else applying has similar or even better accomplishments.

I actually got rejected from my top choice for undergrad. I got so pissed that I sent in an appeal letter, which got me in for the spring semester. I'm so happy I did that. I wonder if something like that can be done for grad schools? Probably not, because they can only take in so many students per year. My point is, I'm not very good at accepting rejection. I was able to overcome the undergrad one, but I'm afraid that there's no recourse to a grad school rejection except to apply again the following year. I feel like I'm in limbo just waiting for a decision NOW... how will I survive the purgatory of an additional year between cycles?!!!!!

Ah where's a paper bag when you need one? Hyperventilating! (kidding, but I *AM* experiencing a type of mental hyperventilation)

[Katzenmusik]

I'm totally with everyone else, above.

This process has been very odd for me. I'm one of those people who friends & family consider generally "bright" and able to succeed on a moderate level without trying that hard. All other applications I have submitted (for academic programs, jobs, etc.) always resulted in success. My grades were so-so, as I always did a bare minimum amount of work to stay in the game. But I made up for it by acing the SAT (and later, the GRE) without much trouble.

This way of being really catches up with you when you apply to graduate school. First of all, everyone else applying is also fairly bright and intelligent, so you're no longer the unique snowflake. Second of all, you need to have TRULY gone the extra mile to do things like build meaningful relationships with professors, published articles, taken tons of courses in your chosen field, etc. You need evidence that you worked hard and showed dedication in one field, rather than taken a dispersed interest in a dozen different fields.

I am truly, truly worried that I will not get in to any grad programs. And when I inform my friends and family of this rejection, their image of me as "the smart one" will be obliterated. They all encouraged me to apply to the most selective universities (the name-brand ones) and refuse to believe that someone of my capabilities (ha!) would look at second and third-tier schools they've never heard of before. They don't understand the competition I'm up against or the ways I've gradually shot myself in the foot over the years. (Or, for that matter, that the unknown universities might actually be BETTER for what I want to do than the Harvards and Stanfords of the world. Essentially they think grad school is just like undergrad.)

I dread informing them of my rejections. In fact, I did my best to keep this entire application process a secret, but it took over my life to such an extent that I had to explain.

Edited January 20, 2010 by Katzenmusik

[TMP]

Thank you, thank you so much for posting this thread.

This is a second-go for me. I was just telling my roommates last week how amazed I was at myself and the whole admissions process, being the second round. First round, I think I was just really eager to continue being a student and just did whatever I could to make that happen (yeah, avoiding the real world ). I didn't get my first wish- getting in any of the PhD programs. I did get my second wish- having my app transferred and considered for the MA at one of my top schools and an app accepted veryyyyy late at another school that I somehow made an impression on a professor there.

Fast forward to today. I do sincerely feel more settled and confident. One of my roommates pointed out that it's because I'm in that academic culture and "know" it. I've been getting different kind of responses to my e-mails. Professors are more consistently interested in my work and research ideas. I know I have a "very interesting"/"excellent" thesis topic that's my writing sample. I worked my ass off to get my language shit together (including auditing a German class this semester!). I'm more attuned to my field... ah, I don't know what else I can do!

You see? I'm still freaking out. Especially over this one professor whom I can't... I don't even know how to interpret his responses and questions during my interview. He wanted to know all about my experience in my current program (at a top 10 grad school and his is ranked in the 30's, but his specific department is top ranked in our field). I'm serious... I was like @#$*&. And he asked me about my advisor... Who are we talking about again? Me or my program?! He followed up for me "to stay in touch". WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Needless to stay, I worked my butt off on that SOP and in my follow e-mails to demonstrate that, YES, if given the choice between my top 10 grad school and his department, I will give up my top 10 school! I just didn't want to say it yet as there's another top choice (just 2 top choices really) that I hadn't visited or met the professors face-to-face yet.

Okay? I'm glad to know what I'm not the only one who's squirming in her chair trying to figure out what all these e-mails and interviews mean and if she's truly any better this time around.

I need the paper bag.

[artist_lily]

I was lucky enough to keep my job in research due to a grant carryover. So I've continued working in my field and have added a ton of published work to my CV as a result (at least compared to the measly ONE poster I had last round!). I was given some opportunities to expand my skill set at work and was recently promoted (with a raise kicking in soon, yay!) so professionally I've done pretty well. I also applied for a national science foundation fellowship, which was a good experience in terms of learning about grant writing. It looks good on my applications, and if somehow I was to actually win it, a lot of schools will overturn a rejection if you have your own funding. I found out about the fellowship too late to apply last time but am glad I did so this time. It also got a lot of the writing for my applications out of the way.

As far as stamina to keep going, I spent a few weeks kind of wallowing in misery and disbelief - I seriously almost had a heart attack when I found out the wait list school fell through, locked myself in an office and just cried on the phone to my parents and boyfriend for like two hours. It really did suck but in the scheme of bad things that have happened to me it's not even in the top 5, maybe somewhere in the top 10 but only because I'm lucky and haven't had too much bad stuff happen in my life . I am grateful to have spent another year living where I do, I really like the area and will be sad if I have to leave. And honestly having a 9-5 job with benefits isn't all that bad - most of my time is mine to do what I want with, which is different from the 12 hour days I often pulled while in undergrad. So I have basically tried to enjoy living a normal life for a while and build up some sort of endurance reserve for grad school .

Thanks so much for the great info about how you've spent the past year, LadyL. I can definitely imagine having the same response of wallowing in misery and disbelief for a few weeks -- most days, I feel as if I'm having that very same response, albeit preemptively! And you're right, I can see how across-the-board rejection wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened to someone... of course there are always going to be setbacks, but one must nevertheless go on. That being said, these grad school waiting days are simply killing me -- I already feel myself slowing fading into a shadow of my former self, so focused on grad school admissions that it's hard to even THINK (concerted effort or not) of anything else. I read somewhere on this board about an English PhD applicant who's in her second or third round of applications (I forget), and she mentioned that she's playing the "waiting game" so much differently than rounds before -- this time, taking up new hobbies, really immersing herself in her family and friends... basically, enjoying life and not letting admissions be the "be all and end all" of her days. This seems like the same approach you're taking... and definitely an approach I could afford to get on board with right away!

[artist_lily]

You are definitely not alone! I think we all feel like that. But I also think it's distorted from our own perspective; the prospect of rejection looms so large in our own consciousnesses that it feels like it must put us in a precarious position with others, too, as if they were "counting" on us to get in. In reality, though, these people wouldn't be disappointed IN us, but FOR us. I felt pretty shamed having to tell my letter writers two years ago, but they were really supportive, and when I contacted them again this round, my adviser told me not to think of the first round as a setback, and that I was a better candidate now and better for it.

I think about how I'd feel if, say, a friend was rejected from med schools. She might feel humiliated, but I wouldn't think differently of her, and certainly wouldn't be disappointed in her - I'd just feel sympathy and hope it worked out for her the next time. Even if I'd done something like write a letter in support (like I did for my best friend's Peace Corps app), it's not like I'd feel it was wasted effort, and I'd be more than happy to do it again. It's helpful for me to think about it like that when I get too carried away imagining "letting down" everyone and having to tell my students I didn't get in (they are seniors and like the idea that we are going through the app process and "graduating" together). It's like how if the lesson or discussion I'm leading tanks, I spend a lot of time thinking about it and it majorly affects my morale, and I feel like a bad teacher. But they are 17, and have their own lives, and forget about it immediately; it's just me that it's really important to. I have to recognize that imagining others' disappointment/frustration with me for not getting in is just a projection of my own fears and feelings, not an accurate or realistic picture of their likely reactions. Bottom line, focus on yourself! You may feel embarrassed, but recognize it as that: your feeling of embarrassment, not anything that corresponds to anyone else. This will have zero effect on how the people who have supported and cared about you up to this point think of you.

OR, we could all just get in and not have to worry!

Thanks so much for your sweet reply, intextrovert! I agree with you completely: much of the fear of having to tell family/friends/LOR writers about my rejection from grad programs stems from my own fear and my own embarrassment... not because I don't consciously realize that they won't think differently of me. (Well, at least my LOR writers won't -- as they're in the profession themselves, it's fairly clear that they understand the high stakes of the admissions game.) I just hope that I can remember this when the time comes to tell those whose help I've solicited that I need to ask a favor of them yet again -- and that I can keep my chin up and not break down in tears when I'm forced to break the news to family and friends -- a bit of an unrealistic goal, but worth a shot, anyway, right?

And by the way, I particularly loved your teaching analogy -- I come from a high school teaching background myself, and I can perfectly relate to the feelings that you described having when a lesson tanks (and oh God, were there many of those my first year!). People -- and particularly 17 year olds -- do move on rather quickly, and though we're left to pick up the pieces on our own (whether after a failed lesson or after a missed chance at grad school), perhaps this is for the best -- or certainly better than I would imagine having to constantly talk about the failure with everyone would be!