Why Didn't Anyone Want to be my Friend?

[Ludric]

So the first year of my master's program is coming to an end; courses are finished, final projects are being handed in, and there's only a bit of TA work left to be done. I've learned a ton in my first year, I really enjoyed all of my classes and loved my teachers, and I got to work on a lot of interesting projects. However, one thing that I've been severely disappointed in has been on the social side of things; despite my best efforts, I've made zero friends during this first year.

I just don't understand it: I attended as many social events at the school as I could throughout the year, especially at the beginning when we were still getting to know each other and when there were several events specifically for this - and then at the colloquiums throughout the year afterwards. At all of these events, I made sure to have engaging conversations with the other students, asking them about their fields of interest, where they're from, their hobbies, etc - and in general, showing an interest in them. And I continued to have conversations with these students in the halls between classes throughout the year. However, none of these interactions amounted to anything, despite showing an interest to be their friend.

As I later discovered, the students in my program (a small group of about 14 students) are all good friends with each other, and they frequently do things in groups; studying, watching movies, going out for lunch, etc. However, none of them have ever invited me to such events, so I ended up spending all of my time outside of class alone. I suppose it's worth mentioning that my program consists almost entirely of female students, and I am the only male - so I thought this might have factored into their reluctance to invite me to these "all-girl" gatherings.

Do any of you have advice on this matter so I don't mess up again next year? Suggestions would be appreciated, and feel free to ask any questions.

[qkhitai]

I can sympathise with being the only male in a group of females, that's happened to me before multiple times and it can be really tough. Because I smoke I managed to make friends with other smokers in those groups, but I wouldn't recommend tobacco use as a healthy way of making friends... But it also sounds like you need to take more initiative. Just waiting around for people to invite you to things isn't really your 'best effort' is it? Go and plan some nights out or a study session and invite people. Maybe a new bar or restaurant opened up in town that you want to check out, or there's a concert or a film on somewhere. If you just keep hanging around alone and not trying to get involved, it will only reinforce the image you might have as a loner in their eyes. Speaking from experience, if someone is always off doing their own thing, others can tend to assume that their life is going fine and that they have friends of their own, or that they just like being alone - when in fact the reality is quite the opposite. But if you don't speak up, they won't ever know. It doesn't sound as if your coursemates don't like you if you still talk to them regularly (and presumably pleasantly), so maybe that's the trap you've fallen into. If you do invite them to things and make more of an effort, but they still don't want to hang out with you, then them's the breaks sadly and they won't be good friends for you.

You can also try and do more extracurricular stuff with folks outside your course with similar interests, provided you have time. Go and try new things, go to events or locales even if you're alone and try to strike up conversations. I've met plenty of people when I've gone out alone to a concert or a bar, you just need to put some effort in, instead of waiting for everyone to flock to you. It doesn't seem like you have a problem talking to strangers and meeting new people though, so maybe you can put yourself in more of these situations.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I'm sorry that your first year has been lonely! I would have to say I don't really hang out with my cohort that much, except for two. We started hanging out because of doing favors for one another (driving to the airport, working on assignments together, etc). Also have you thought about maybe your peers don't invite you because they don't think you will enjoy their plans? For example, my cohort likes to drink a lot and go to movies. Neither really interest me so I don't get invited. Tbh they may think you are being a friendly acquaintance, thats how most people view me. I think you may just have to put yourself out there and ask them to hang out. What I've done is "Hey X, I'm going to get lunch, wanna come?" 

[Ludric]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

You're right that I should have taken more initiative in inviting my classmates to things, though I have attempted this in the past: on a few occasions, I've asked if they wanted to join me in attending an upcoming concert, though each time they said they were too busy or had other plans. Similarly, last month, I told them I was celebrating my birthday and I invited them to join me at a restaurant that day - but again, they said they had other plans for that evening (I spent my birthday alone). And I have tried inviting them to simpler things, like lunch, but I've found that they either have plans with someone else, or want to scarf down lunch before rushing off to a class or to do some other project. I get the feeling that inviting my classmates to events is seen as a bit "date-like" - and all of them already have boyfriends (which might be another reason why they're reluctant to befriend me). And to clarify, yes: they are all very friendly people who are happy to chat with me, though there seems to be some reservation in going beyond just that. None of them have ever stopped me in the halls to chat with me - I've always been the one to initiate conversations with them.

I have tried getting to know the students outside of my program, though in the same department. However, this hasn't yielded any success either, despite having some fairly engaging conversations with those students. I feel that we just didn't see each other frequently enough to form a connection; these students share none of my classes and do not go to the same colloquiums that I do, so I rarely ever saw them at all. Not to mention, they have already formed social circles within their own program.

And yes, I have tried to join groups outside of school - but the issue has been time; after having to cancel several reservations to the events I signed up for (in order to get some readings done or a project finished for next week), I sort of gave up on that idea. However, I do make a point to do as much of my studying in the school library as possible, so that there can at least be some possibility to meet other students.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

[Neist]

On 4/16/2017 at 3:42 AM, Ludric said:

As I later discovered, the students in my program (a small group of about 14 students) are all good friends with each other, and they frequently do things in groups; studying, watching movies, going out for lunch, etc. However, none of them have ever invited me to such events, so I ended up spending all of my time outside of class alone.

 

My first year has very similarly paralleled your first year, so I feel your pain! I, too, gather that people in my cohort are actively involved with, at the very least, other, more senior graduate students in the department. 

As to how I've handled it, well, I haven't! I've become more friendly with my faculty mentors and department staff. Further, I've tried to involve myself with the undergraduate majors in my department (there's not many of them, and I often feel as if they're neglected). I've started a university-wide reading group with books broadly discussing topics which interest me. In short, I've tried to become active in other places.

[qkhitai]

16 hours ago, Ludric said:

Thanks for the advice, guys.

You're right that I should have taken more initiative in inviting my classmates to things, though I have attempted this in the past: on a few occasions, I've asked if they wanted to join me in attending an upcoming concert, though each time they said they were too busy or had other plans. Similarly, last month, I told them I was celebrating my birthday and I invited them to join me at a restaurant that day - but again, they said they had other plans for that evening (I spent my birthday alone). And I have tried inviting them to simpler things, like lunch, but I've found that they either have plans with someone else, or want to scarf down lunch before rushing off to a class or to do some other project. I get the feeling that inviting my classmates to events is seen as a bit "date-like" - and all of them already have boyfriends (which might be another reason why they're reluctant to befriend me). And to clarify, yes: they are all very friendly people who are happy to chat with me, though there seems to be some reservation in going beyond just that. None of them have ever stopped me in the halls to chat with me - I've always been the one to initiate conversations with them.

I have tried getting to know the students outside of my program, though in the same department. However, this hasn't yielded any success either, despite having some fairly engaging conversations with those students. I feel that we just didn't see each other frequently enough to form a connection; these students share none of my classes and do not go to the same colloquiums that I do, so I rarely ever saw them at all. Not to mention, they have already formed social circles within their own program.

And yes, I have tried to join groups outside of school - but the issue has been time; after having to cancel several reservations to the events I signed up for (in order to get some readings done or a project finished for next week), I sort of gave up on that idea. However, I do make a point to do as much of my studying in the school library as possible, so that there can at least be some possibility to meet other students.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

Well it doesn't sound like you're doing much wrong then. I was going to say your coursemates don't sound like very nice people if no one them wanted to go for a birthday meal, but if you only told them on the day then that is kind of short notice I suppose. It still sounds like something is off though if they're that friendly but you're the only one ever stopping to talk to them. Provided it's not a one-on-one 'date-like' scenario, their having boyfriends is irrelevant - although at this age and stage of life, I'd like to think people weren't so jealous/worried that a man and woman can't be platonic friends. 

I am sorry to hear things aren't going well - it doesn't sound like you're at fault for any of this. A part of me wants to say just cut your losses, because why should you keep putting effort into hanging out with them when they give you nothing in return. But on the other hand, I've also had coursemates who I was never close to - when I was in a similar situation to you -, yet they eventually became my best friends. Friendships can often blossom in the strangest and rarest of ways, without either person ever thinking they would be friends with the other. So maybe compromise, pull your foot off the gas for a bit and see who else is around. Keep putting yourself out there and getting into new situations where you can meet new people. I don't know if it helps, but if you speak a another language then that's an easy way to meet people - native speakers or otherwise. You can always try mobile apps or social websites as well - I've met quite a few friends that way over the past few years. 

[ejpril88]

Ludric, I feel your pain  This is one of my biggest fears when it comes to grad school. I am starting PhD this Fall and am terrified everyone else is going to be friends with each other except me. I moved to US a year ago and so far haven't made any American or international friends (only people from my country, which sucks, and one Korean friend who I met through this forum, but we live too far away ). The thing is - only Americans I talk to are people in my office and they are mostly 4-5 years younger than me and always talk about how drunk they were during the weekend/what they had for lunch/what kind of coffee they ordered in Starbucks. I just feel like I don't fit in. Sure, I am friendly with them and went for a drink couple of times after work, but I just feel that's not it. Hopefully grad school will be better and I meet some people I can have interesting conversations with.  

[spectastic]

we all have a type. I figured out I interact better with athletes, outdoors people, and I like to talk/learn about practical social issues. I also learned that I don't like interacting with the party hard balls to the wall people, who talk and complain about random shit all the time, not to say they're bad, but it's just not the type of environment that I thrive in. you have a type too. from what I've gathered, you're not being very selective on who you want to be your friend. you're just kind of spilling seeds everywhere, hoping something would grow. I think you should think about who you are, and the types of people you want to hang out with. it's like a lot of things in life, if it's too easy to get, nobody will want it. In my department, there are only a few people that I feel like I can be real with. I'm not exactly a socialite who's a hub of connections, but I'm perfectly ok with having a few people that I can really rely on. that's just my take on this.

[Ludric]

On 2017-04-18 at 0:31 PM, spectastic said:

... from what I've gathered, you're not being very selective on who you want to be your friend. you're just kind of spilling seeds everywhere, hoping something would grow. ...

There is some truth in this: I didn't connect very strongly with the students I had conversations with and we didn't seem to share many interests, hobbies, or world views outside of our general interest in our program. However, I still felt it was important to try to make friends with them, as building a social network for yourself is important for meeting more people whom you connect with even better.

But anyway, thanks for the advice everyone. For a bit more information, I had just moved to this new city last fall for my graduate program, so I was starting completely fresh in terms of socializing. I will be staying in the city over the summer break, so I am planning on joining several groups and meeting more people before my second year begins in the fall. Hopefully I will be able to make some friends this way and continue to socialize with them during the next school year.

[NoirFemme]

On 4/22/2017 at 11:50 PM, Ludric said:

There is some truth in this: I didn't connect very strongly with the students I had conversations with and we didn't seem to share many interests, hobbies, or world views outside of our general interest in our program. However, I still felt it was important to try to make friends with them, as building a social network for yourself is important for meeting more people whom you connect with even better.

But anyway, thanks for the advice everyone. For a bit more information, I had just moved to this new city last fall for my graduate program, so I was starting completely fresh in terms of socializing. I will be staying in the city over the summer break, so I am planning on joining several groups and meeting more people before my second year begins in the fall. Hopefully I will be able to make some friends this way and continue to socialize with them during the next school year.

I think you're going about this in an overly complicated manner--and it's possible that you're not connecting with others in your cohort because they don't feel your attempt to make friends is genuine (the "building a social network" is telling). Your cohort is not the only place to connect. Do you belong to organizations in your field? Attend conferences? Converse on listservs or FB groups? Interact on Twitter? What about advanced grad students working in your field(s)? And connecting with your adviser, who knows more about networking in your field than new students?

Also, have you thought about having someone critique your body language? You may be coming across as too intense and invasive, hence why all of the students exclude you from their gatherings (especially since they are women and you are a man--sometimes, men don't realize they may come across as [vaguely] threatening to women they don't know). 

Edited April 24, 2017 by NoirFemme

[3dender]

On 4/24/2017 at 6:06 PM, NoirFemme said:

I think you're going about this in an overly complicated manner--and it's possible that you're not connecting with others in your cohort because they don't feel your attempt to make friends is genuine (the "building a social network" is telling). Your cohort is not the only place to connect. Do you belong to organizations in your field? Attend conferences? Converse on listservs or FB groups? Interact on Twitter? What about advanced grad students working in your field(s)? And connecting with your adviser, who knows more about networking in your field than new students?

Also, have you thought about having someone critique your body language? You may be coming across as too intense and invasive, hence why all of the students exclude you from their gatherings (especially since they are women and you are a man--sometimes, men don't realize they may come across as [vaguely] threatening to women they don't know). 

This occurred to me as well.  I wonder if these (mostly partnered) females get the feeling you've been hitting on them.  In my experience it's not typical for a guy to just invite a girl to lunch or a concert unless he has romantic interest.  Are you being sincere about your platonic intentions, or is there a part of you that "wouldn't mind" getting involved romantically?  Women will pick up on that second part every time, and it will keep them from wanting to be alone with you.  And if you keep trying, you risk getting the label of "that one creepy dude."

Basically I suggest looking for some guy friends outside of school who share your interests.

[DevinMiles]

My advice is not to bother trying to socialize with your cohort at this point. Make friends elsewhere. The one thing that no one told me before I started my graduate studies is that it would end up being one of the most socially-isolating experience of my life. I went to a small college town for my undergraduate studies and had a great experience. My graduate studies have been the complete opposite. For one semester, I was enrolled in a social science program at a college town in the Midwest and I left after one semester because the program was a poor fit for my research area but the lack of any sense of community was a bit shocking. It was a small cohort with five other students and I arranged a brunch one day for everyone and they seemed shocked that grad students would actually socialize with each other. It was a bit of an odd program since it was not very selective and several of the students were in the program because they were locals, much different from a program where students come in from around the country without social networks established.

I headed into my current program which is a much better fit for my research, but ended up being in a cohort of one. The department said this was very rare, but there were four other master's students from the previous cohort still in the program. One of them attended my orientation dinner and one of the questions I asked her was whether the grad students ever socialize with each other. She said that in the year she had been in grad school, it had never happened even once. She said not to bother trying. After meeting the other members of the previous cohort, I realized she was right. They were not unfriendly, but no one would describe them as friendly or welcoming.

I have to admit I had high expectations for the social experience in grad school when I applied for graduate studies: dinner parties, happy hours, weekend trips. I was completely unrealistic for a small program. However, this is common with larger programs. I know someone who went on a ski trip over the winter with 100 fellow business students.

One thing that I did differently from you is that I did not even bother attempting to build some sense of community with the previous cohort. I realized right from the start they were an unfriendly group and made friends elsewhere, especially through running groups on the weekends. It would have been a waste of time to attempt to make friends with the previous cohort.

The funniest thing was when the weekend before finals of the second semester one of them sent out an email seeing if people wanted to get together. It was just bizarre. There was one more week before they were graduating and suddenly one of them decided he wanted to build a sense of community and get everyone together. Nice try, but nine months too late.

So again, my advice is not to bother attempting to socialize with your cohort. Find friends elsewhere. Perhaps like me, you expected a strong sense of community in your graduate school experience. I certainly expected to build strong bonds with my fellow grad students and stay in touch with them for decades after my studies. Nope. They were an unfriendly bunch and finding friends elsewhere was the best decision I made. Six months from now I probably won't even remember their names. I found friends in other programs and through outside activities. Best decision I made.

 

[rheya19]

I think everyone here has made good points and suggestions. I would like to echo DevinMiles as well, that sometimes different groups of students simply have different social dynamics for reasons outside you're control. During my religious studies master's program, there was an MA cohort and MDiv cohort. The two socialized in very different ways, I noticed. The MDivs were pursuing professional degrees and were more open to making relationships with one another. The MAs were by and large more bookish and introverted. I had a friend here and there in the MA cohort, but didn't make many solid relationships. It was kind of lonely at times. The MDivs all knew each other and were quite close by the end of their time. Also, the MDivs had a director who tried to create times for them to get together in and out of class. 

[thelionking]

At this point in the program, it might be a little harder to make friends because groups have already been established. I think it might be easier to try to make friends with people in different programs and outside of school. You could go to some local meetup groups in your area, volunteer if you have time (such as helping out at social events for international students - they'll all from out of town and tend to be open to making new friends), or maybe take some elective courses with students in a different cohort. If it's a course that requires group projects, you might make a new friend or two that way.

At the end of the day, every program has a different culture and in some it's easier to make friends than in others. I honestly wouldn't aim to high with your cohort at this point in time. If you come across one person in your cohort who's a little shy or not a part of the social events (someone in a situation similar to your own) you might find a friend there.  IMO, quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friends. 

Edited May 3, 2017 by thelionking

[Plane_Jane]

Oh dear! I'm so sorry to hear that it has turned out this way. 

Maybe try the website Meet Up. This way you can find like-minded people to meet up with for fun activities. 

Don't give up! Friends are out there waiting to meet you!

 

Also, have you tried inviting everyone in the cohort out all at once? I may have misunderstood, but I get the feeling that maybe you've been mostly asking people to one-on-one events?