sk824 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Hi, This is my first time on Grad Cafe but am looking for some support and perspective. I didn't do too well my first year in my PhD program but I knew going into the program that for some personal reasons I wouldn't be able to do well. I passed my comprehensive exams, maintained the gpa requirements, and am on track with everything. I haven't really started research due to the program set-up but the little research I have done has been well received by faculty who have seen it. I know it's not rational, but despite all of this, I can't seem to get rid of the self-doubt. My peers don't think particularly well of me because of my poor first year performance, even though I often did better than several of them on some exams. The problem is probably that I'm not confident enough so I sell myself short to them. I don't have much confidence now so even when I try to talk to faculty with questions, I get nervous and don't make a very good impression, even though I really do know more than it may appear. To make matters worse, the DGS in my program had a pre-meditated public humiliation planned for me in front of faculty and students. I asked him a question regarding some procedures going forward before a seminar one day, which he answered in a professional manner. Then after the seminar, he re-instigated the conversation, walked me up to the front of the room so everyone could see, and started mocking me because he thinks I'm an idiot. I realize that I'm so incredibly privileged to be doing a PhD and I really truly love my field and enjoy research. I realize I shouldn't feel so self-conscious. I even hold an NSF Fellowship which I received directly as an undergraduate. It just really sucks to be in a place where students and faculty go out of their way to talk badly about me to my face, even when I try to mind my own business and just quietly study. I just get filled with self-doubt even at neutral criticisms (thinking maybe that the faculty who previously saw and liked my work changed their minds later on if they express reasonable doubts on aspects of the project later on), even though I know it's ridiculous. I'd greatly appreciate any perspective any of you reading this may have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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