Love vs Grad School

[Dfghjk]

Hello gradcafe!

Im having a difficult time deciding what my next step is. 

So, I was accepted to an MA program in English. I have a great advisor, total financial support, and the opportunity to do paid research. The program has a great track record for placement in top twenty phd programs. 

For the summer, I moved to a city to be nearer to my significant other (SO) and to enjoy urban life before heading to a more remote part of the country for my MA. It's been amazing! I'm working in the creative industry and our love has really been growing. Since being here I've questioned whether or not grad school is right for me now. It's been scary but also exciting to spread my wings a bit and find professional opportunities here. I've been thinking about dropping the school thing for now and trying to pursue creative endeavors (my other passion aside from studying literature) like writing while I'm young. Of course my SO also plays a role in my decision.  She said she'd consider doing long distance (I'm a short plane ride away) when I proposed it. But is generally cool on the idea. She'd like me to stay on in aforementioned city. I could spend two weekends out of each month with her, as well as j terms and the summer if we did long distance. But I'm afraid that we'd grow distant. 

Its scary to consider staying on here in the city because I currently have no immediate job prospects and even if I did it would likely not be one of my passions as it certainly won't be a) academics or b ) in writing. But I feel as though it would be an interesting ride  and grad school is always there, though this amazing MA opportunity isn't.   If I did the MA, I'd stand a better chance at getting back to the city as a PhD candidate. But on the other hand, I could apply to PhD programs here in this city this fall to start next year and turn my back on the MA. I hadn't finished my thesis when I didn't get into PhD programs last year and I now have high school teaching under my belt, which might look good to PhD or Masters programs in this city. In fact, I initially planned to do this MA to up my chances of getting to attend a PhD program in this city--before meeting my SO!

So on the one hand, a sure spot and income come fall doing something I love but with an unsure future with my SO and lots of hand wringing at "what could have been" not just re SO but also at what kind of career I might have built for myself (safe route) and on the other an exciting young adulthood in an exciting city with my SO for the foreseeable future but still possibly regretting not taking my place this fall at grad school (risky route).  

And I have to decide within the week!!

Has anyone made a similar decision?

D

Edited July 30, 2017 by Dfghjk

[rising_star]

I guess my question is one of how serious you and the SO are. Do you see a real future for the two of you together, one where you can pursue your passions/interests plus be together? How will you feel about having delayed graduate school if you and your SO were to break up 3-6 months from now? Thinking about things in this way might help you have a good perspective on your relationship, which can in turn help with making a decision. Personally, I picked grad school when in a somewhat similar situation and I don't regret it. Why? Because the SO that wasn't that supportive of me moving across the country for grad school was being selfish and wasn't interested in what was best for me long-term, which means things would've ended disastrously at some point.

[ExponentialDecay]

I'd put money that, on a forum for and about grad students, everyone is going to tell you to pick grad school.

But this is, like, a deeply personal decision. I wouldn't forgo any professional opportunity to stay with a girlfriend of some weeks or months (I'm guessing) in my 20s, but the reasoning behind that is also why I'm not doing a PhD in the humanities. I also think it's a good idea to take a year or two to "cool off" after college and test if you actually want to dedicate your life to chronically underpaid and undervalued humanities research (or research in general - I've met a lot of people who would have benefited in a big way by realizing that they shouldn't do a PhD in their year off rather than 5 years into a program). You don't know what's going to happen, they're both good opportunities in their own way, and you don't know what you'll end up regretting, so pick the one you want more.

[cowgirlsdontcry]

You mentioned having regrets. Which would be the greatest regret you can imagine, not going to this MA program, or living away from your SO? Or is it the exciting young adult life in the big city, you think you will miss the most? You need to look at each aspect and decide what you want. Going to grad school is always going to be an option, but perhaps not this particular program, if you decline at this late date. Just need to take a walk alone and think about what you really want.

[TakeruK]

The above advice is all very good. I just want to suggest an alternative (or really, point out a fact that hasn't been mentioned yet): Choosing your MA program is not a permanent choice. If, after considering the advice above, you decide to choose your MA program, it's not set in stone. You can leave your MA program at any time! It sounds like you might have already considered it since you said that grad school will always be there but the MA opportunity might not be.

However, if you choose the MA route, you can just give the MA program a try for one semester. Do the long distance thing for a few months and see how you feel. Are you growing distant? Is the MA opportunity worth it? After the first few months you can re-evaluate and decide if you made the right choice and if not, you can just not come back after the first semester and pursue your non-academic interests in the SO's city. Or, you can apply for PhD programs there later on (you might miss the deadlines for Fall 2018 so it might be Fall 2019).

It sounds like you have been away from your SO prior to this summer (you said that you moved to be closer) so if you have a really good relationship, 3-4 months wouldn't cause any unrepairable "damage" to your bond. And to be brutally honest (hey, that's an advantage of a semi-anonymous online forum, right?), maybe if huge issues crop up from you pursuing your academic passions for just a few months might point to potentially more serious issues down the road.

[fuzzylogician]

I was in a somewhat similar situation before starting my PhD; I chose to leave for the degree, and I don't regret it. As others have mentioned, if your SO can't be supportive of your career even for short periods and that's really a passion for you, it'll put a strain on the relationship in the long term. For me, it was clear that giving up my passion for the relationship would lead to what-ifs and resentment. The academic life requires some flexibility in terms of living arrangements, and if they can't accept that, you either need to be okay (but really okay!) with giving it up, or maybe the relationship isn't strong enough and will end up badly anyway. Either choice is fair and is a personal decision, but you need to really think about what will make you happy in the long term and what you're willing to give up. 

[COGSCI]

If MA is not necessary for your PhD (because you were just trying to increase your chance), you could defer your MA program for a year and apply to PhD programs. I wouldn't recommend just applying to schools around your SO's area, but I am sure you have a list of dream schools for your PhD. 

In academia, though it may not be always true, more opportunities can be available for you if you are more flexible with you locations. I would have a conversation with your SO and see how that person feel about moving or doing long distance. This would be an important conversation to have whether you decide to pursue MA or PhD. 

[Dfghjk]

Thanks this is a good idea. But they don't accept deferrals. 

Edited July 31, 2017 by Dfghjk

[juilletmercredi]

I think it really just depends. I sympathize and identify with the struggle - I spent my twenties in a PhD program, and while regret is not exactly the word I'd use, it's definitely a trade-off. I married my SO and we live happily together, but I still sometimes wonder what could've been - in my life, and our relationship - if I hadn't gone to graduate school and we hadn't spent about four years living apart.

My advice is to return to pondering the reasons why you applied to and accepted the MA in the first place. It's easy to romanticize your relationship and the experience in the city, since you are deep in it, and a bit further removed from studying literature and being immersed in academia. But there had to be some kind of passion that spurred you on to apply to the program in the first place. What was that? Explore those feelings for a bit - and if you need a few days away from your SO to really dig deeply into your own feelings, take them. Hopefully she'll understand.

There's also a value in taking risks and doing the bohemian thing when you're younger. When you're older, in general you'll have more of a craving for stability and it'll be harder to do these kinds of things. It's not that you can't - it kind of depends on your lifestyle and choices - but it is, on average, more difficult.

The one thing that does stand out to me is that you said you planned to do this MA before you even met your SO, so it sounds like this is a pretty new relationship. While that's not reason in and of itself to choose the MA, it does mean careful consideration if you're still in your honeymoon phase. Everything is very nice and sweet and awesome in the beginning, and passions run higher. So staying with the SO seems initially like a much better idea than it might seem when things cool down later, even if you decide that you still want to stay together. Still, it may be personally worth it to you to stay where you are and see if you can cultivate the relationship - long distance may not be good early in a relationship.

At this point you may have decided, though, so I'm curious to hear what you did.