Friends vs. Colleagues

[PhdGrad15]

Hello, everyone,

I'm a couple years into my graduate education and would like to hear your thoughts about making friends vs. meeting colleagues in grad school. I guess the distinction I am making boils down to personal/ professional. So many people I have met have talked about how the friends they made in grad school were valuable friends for life, and this sounds great.

But as most will acknowledge, there is a line between personal and professional that causes trouble when crossed. Some topics aren't appropriate to discuss with work colleagues (like other work colleagues, for a glaringly obvious example). For you, where is the line? Do you confide in your fellow grad students about grad school problems--classes, professors, advisors, exams, etc.? Or do you keep this line intact and only talk about this stuff with friends and family outside the "office" that is grad school?

Thanks!

[Eigen]

You're looking for general rules where none apply. 

How much you share with someone depends on that particular relationship, not some imaginary and enforced personal-professional divide. 

Many of my work colleagues are just work colleagues. Some are also friends. Some of my friends have no connection to what I do. 

I think of it in terms of a venn diagram with personal and professional overlapping with friends. Some friends are just personal, some are professional. Some of my personal and professional life overlap, some doesn't. 

I think you're going to have a really hard time in grad school if you make no friends with whom you can discuss classes, professors, advisors, exams... And moreover, I would consider that "professional", just like I talk to my colleagues about research woes, how our classes are going, etc. 

[samman1994]

As someone who was an undergrad, but was in a lab with almost entirely grad students, I was in a similar situation. Mine primarily came from age however, I was 19 at the time, and the person closest to my age in the lab was 26, and the rest ranged from 28-37, so quite the gap. Initially, I had my undergrad friends, but made all my lab members and fellow lab members from nearby labs, simply colleagues and acquaintances. As time progressed however, and I matured a bit more, I was able to relate to my lab mates a lot more, and things did get a lot more personal. There are some people in my lab I clicked with, and we even hang out outside of school, and talk about everything ranging from stupid alcohol adventures to vacation and even marriage. There were others who's personalities simply conflicted with mine, and we remained simply colleagues. From my experience, it is important to actually make good connections in grad school, and especially friendships more than just colleagues. The connections and networking you can make will really help you a lot in all future career and academic fields you decide to pursue. I also still have friends from my undergrad who I still hang out with and talk, and friends outside of school completely unrelated to my school or lab. It really comes down to a personal choice, but I think you can really enhance your academic/grad experience if you do make good personal connections with your colleagues (more than just simple chat). You'll gain good friendships, great networking connections (especially since they're in your field), and overall I personally think make your lab experience more fun. One time in our lab, we ended up getting really drunk (someone had just defended their thesis so party) and we did nothing but talk about how bad we felt for treating bacteria like shit, and how thankful we were there was no bacteria rights group because we would be screwed. Those are the type of experiences that I remember and keep with me during my academic career. 

Tl'dr see who you click with, and who you don't. If you click with them, I think you should make it personal, if you don't, just keep it professional. Making good personal friendships will make your grad experience more enjoyable and is good networking as well. 

Edited August 25, 2017 by samman1994

[Hope.for.the.best]

12 hours ago, PhdGrad15 said:

Hello, everyone,

I'm a couple years into my graduate education and would like to hear your thoughts about making friends vs. meeting colleagues in grad school. I guess the distinction I am making boils down to personal/ professional. So many people I have met have talked about how the friends they made in grad school were valuable friends for life, and this sounds great.

But as most will acknowledge, there is a line between personal and professional that causes trouble when crossed. Some topics aren't appropriate to discuss with work colleagues (like other work colleagues, for a glaringly obvious example). For you, where is the line? Do you confide in your fellow grad students about grad school problems--classes, professors, advisors, exams, etc.? Or do you keep this line intact and only talk about this stuff with friends and family outside the "office" that is grad school?

Thanks!

I definitely make friends with my colleagues, but I do draw a line between personal and professional. I discuss my worries with my colleagues, like how I should do particular experiments, I am stressed out about writing etc. However, I never say anything negative about anyone in the lab, e.g. how I don't like my advisors pushing me hard. These seemingly trivial comments become rumours if there are nosy colleagues around. I do have a colleague who is terribly nosy. She appears to be a nice person who is not particularly into gossiping, but whatever you say become the news in the office the next day. Once I could not shut the door of a freezer in the lab because it was not defrosted for ages and blocks of ice stacked up. I asked for her help to scrape off the ice and the next day everyone in the office knew I couldn't shut the freezer. I am actually very angry at her for that. I simply don't get what's the point of telling everyone that I couldn't shut the freezer??? The freezer was good after scraping off the ice. The other time she chatted to me causally, and she asked about my relationship status. I was fine with that but her next questions offended me a lot. She asked how many relationships I had in the past and how I broke up with my ex. She says she always shares these openly with her siblings, and possibly this is her way to befriend with me. To me, these are rather personal and I prefer to keep to myself. Even my family and best friends do not know the answers to these questions! I still treat her as a friend, but I am mindful of what I share with her. 

For this reason, I don't attempt to vent out or share personal stuff with my colleagues. I don't know how well they keep secrets, and I don't want to take any chances. I vent out to my friends outside of grad school or post here. 

These are my personal experiences only. Hope my sharing helps. 

Edited August 26, 2017 by Hope.for.the.best

[ShewantsthePhD101]

I talk to my grad school friends about anything/everything as long as it's not something that has the potential to hurt me academically should they turn out to not be as great of friends as I think they are. i.e. I'll share love life, flopped papers/presentations, school struggles - but I won't share opinions I have that have the potential to shoot me in the foot.

[ExponentialDecay]

On 8/25/2017 at 7:40 PM, PhdGrad15 said:

Some topics aren't appropriate to discuss with work colleagues (like other work colleagues, for a glaringly obvious example).

Huh? That sounds like no workplace or professional relationship I've ever been in.

 

[lewin]

On 12/22/2017 at 1:00 PM, ExponentialDecay said:

Huh? That sounds like no workplace or professional relationship I've ever been in.

 

ikr. My partner doesn't know most of my colleagues so the gossip and complaining would be lost on her.

 

 

[ExponentialDecay]

4 hours ago, lewin said:

ikr. My partner doesn't know most of my colleagues so the gossip and complaining would be lost on her.

 

 

is this some kind of sexual innuendo?  I don't get it.

[lewin]

On 1/9/2018 at 6:21 PM, ExponentialDecay said:

is this some kind of sexual innuendo?  I don't get it.

I interpreted your comment to mean that most workplaces gossip about other colleagues but realize now I could have been mistaken.

I meant agreement with that: I need to gossip about work with colleagues because my partner doesn't know those people or care about workplace gossip. Definitely no sexual innuendo.