Your precious time spent to review my AWA issue task would be appreciated.

[Nanaiah]

It would be great full if someone can help to review n grade my essay task.. 

Thanks in advance! 

Issue Task : Young people should be encouraged to pursue long term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. 

 

Essay

 

Having goals in ones life is as important as having the basic necessities of life.Reaching goals will keep up the moral and confidence of an individual.Thus

goals being set must be achievable and realistic in nature.It should be long term plan which in-turn is made up of smaller short term goals.

 

Attaining fame or recognition should not be the sole purpose of any goal being set. In-fact long term goals would not lead to recognition initially.

Building upon a long plan with smaller chunks of goals as building block would be beneficial. Long term goals when reached are recognized for a longer time 

and are not transitory.Contrary ,having only short term goals can get fame immediately but only among a smaller population. 

Achieving short term goals which are not in sync or connected will not lead to any fruitful outcome.

 

Companies like Facebook,Amazon etc did not flourish all of a sudden .It took a considerable amount of time to plan,design ,execute and reach success.

Young people must think to achieve over a long period of time. Youngsters have time and vigor to do things in a very innovative way and they

are the building blocks of any nations prosperity.Being realistic is a important factor that will also determine the success . Bringing a dead man alive is impossible and any efforts being put is of vain. Focusing on achievable results over a period of time rather immediate fame, will be beneficial.

 

Space missions ,Multi-National companies or any other long sustained achievements were possible only by achieving short term inter-connected goals.

The number of start-ups even though are increasing every year, most of them collapse drastically after few years due to lack of stability.They might initially

get profit but are not able to sustain because planning for a longer run was inadequate and focused on immediate results.

 

Achieving smaller goals boosts confidence but disjoint goals would lead to no where.Achieving smaller connected goals for a longer run will

be sustainable and well known to greater population for a longer time.Thus younger generation should be encouraged to have a long term realistic goals.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Nanaiah
topic change

[snoves]

I think this would probably score around a 3-4. You have a quite a few grammatical errors and your sentence structure would benefit from some variance in length and punctuation. The flow between paragraphs and even within them was very choppy, sometimes even jarring since there isn't any introduction to your next point. You get your point across but remember that the essay is partially graded on grammar, so it's important that your essay maintains a good amount of fluidity.

There are some claims made in your essay that you don't back up very well with examples. You say in the second paragraph that "Long term goals when reached are recognized for a longer time and are not transitory.Contrary ,having only short term goals can get fame immediately but only among a smaller population." but then don't back this up with any relevant examples. I can think of many long-term projects that were a flash in the pan and faded from the public eye that would disprove your point as well.

I think that something your essay would benefit from would be to address the other side of the argument more thoroughly, or maybe even provide an example that demonstrates why seeking immediate fame and fortune doesn't lead to long-term success (for example, people who create viral videos may have success for a moment, but then then become irrelevant in a very short amount of time).

Your examples using facebook and space missions do a great job of illustrating your point! Overall it is a focused essay and your argument is there, it just needs some clarification and more relevant examples to help give your reasons a bit more of a foundation.

[Nanaiah]

@snoves Thanks for your detailed analysis report ☺ really appreciate your efforts to correct me!! 

[Preston7777]

Hello Nanaiah, 

Just to add onto snoves feedback, I believe it would be helpful if you went through your essay and combined many of your sentences.  After doing so, read your essay carefully, even out loud, and see how it compares to the first draft. This will help you develop smoother writing.

Second, add transition words to the beginning of your paragraphs. Words such as"first, additionally, in conclusion" will help clarify to your reader where you are. An even better way to approach first sentences is to also tie it to the paragraph before: "In addition to (whatever you talked in the paragraph before), the (this paragraph's topic). This helps creates a concise and clear link between your two ideas/arguments.

Last, try to tie the last sentence in each paragraph with the prompt AND task. You didn't paste your task in the thread and should in the future. I always quickly glance back up at my prompt/task before writing the last sentence to remind myself and make sure I am staying on point.

Thats all!

Edited August 30, 2017 by Preston7777