Any good samaritans willing to score my GRE essays?

[YikesSchoolAgain]

Would anyone be willing to score my GRE practice essays for me? I have attached the issue and argument essays for your review. 

If I have not put this in the right forum, please let me know. 

Issue Task Essay 1 on 10.30.17.docx

[YikesSchoolAgain]

Here is the other one since I was limited in upload file size. 

 

GRE Argument task prompt:

 

The following appeared in a health magazine published in Corpora.

 

"Medical experts say that only one-quarter of Corpora's citizens meet the current standards for adequate physical fitness, even though twenty years ago, one-half of all of Corpora's citizens met the standards as then defined. But these experts are mistaken when they suggest that spending too much time using computers has caused a decline in fitness. Since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does."

 

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

 

 

My writing:

 

This argument falls victim to several fallacious lines of reasoning, specifically in the way it represents the claims of medical experts. 

 

This argument makes a claim that unusually low sales in fitness-related product sales and services is correlated with low fitness levels in Corpora. It fails to consider the possibility that the high computer ownership among the citizens of Corpora has allowed for internet research into home exercise routines. Citizens would have a plethora of workout routines and accompanying diet plans at their disposal with just a simple internet search. They would not need as many products and services if they utilized home exercises for free. Additionally, the low product sales could be due to a high rate of sales in previous years, leading consumers to purchase less this year. If a consumers purchased large-investment fitness items such as treadmills or weight benches, they would not need to purchase more equipment during the lifespan of the item. The argument cannot simply correlate low fitness with low product sales without considering what kind of specific products were sold or not sold this year (i.e. large equipment, small equipment, workout clothing, etc.). 

 

Another flaw in the argument’s reasoning lies in the representation of the medical experts’ claims. The experts assert that high computer use has led to a decrease in fitness levels. This could very well be correct. However, the argument rejects on the grounds that the highest fitness levels in Corpora are in areas which also boast highest computer ownership. This is not a defeating point if one does not make the mistake in assuming that higher computer ownership is tantamount to higher amounts of computer use. Perhaps that section of the population are very disciplined in their computer use, especially since they spend so much time exercising to maintain their demographic’s impressive fitness level. You could even reason that higher fitness levels in these areas lead people to live more abundant and productive lifestyles, making them more prosperous. Computer purchases would then be very easy and accessible for these citizens. 

 

Overall, this argument fails to consider all possibilities for why fitness levels are low. It asserts positions not properly represented by the evidence given. 

[YikesSchoolAgain]

If it would be helpful, I have pasted in my issue essay so you don't have to download it: 

 

GRE Issue Task Prompt:

 

Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

 

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

 

My writing:

 

 

Many self-proclaimed creatives eschew formal education on the grounds that it boxes in their artful approach to life. They want the chance at freedom of choice, painting their own destiny. The prevailing alternative, it seems, is a lifestyle void of formal education, and open only to free-form creativety. The mind and spirit need not be at odds with formal education, however. The “free as a bird” lifestyle can be reconciled with education if one understands the value universities offer their creative students. It opens our minds and spirits to the labrynth of possibilities available to the student. Further, it provides opportunity to practice these skills, exploring all the avenues and corridors down which the student could travel in pursuit of knowledge. 

Without formal education, the student cannot discover all the advanced ideas and perspectives on life that only come thorugh academic discourse. Therein lies freedom of thought and expression, made clear through the ability to critically think about one’s position on life. The outlook of the formally educated student is one of analysis and great skill in handling complex ideas. When you can handle complex ideas with relative ease, it opens up a world of opinions that can be freely traversed and dwelled in. 

Another way formal education provides freedom to the mind and spirit is in the way it trains you, giving the student confidence in disciplines previously foreign. What can be more freeding than the confidence to do whatever your mind sets out to do? You can spend hours learning about a particular aestethic, or attempt mastery of a skulpting technique. Freedom comes in the ability to  do the things you freely choose to do. 

There are challenges to formal education’s ability to free the mind and spirit, however. The riginess of formal education institutions can stifle the creative spirit. But this does not have to be the case. Those same insitutions can provide access to resources such as advanced graphic design software, expensive screenprinting machines, whole workshops for students with a predisposition to invention. Universities need not be looked at as inflexible monoliths, suppressing all inspiriation, but as concrete foundations - runways on which the mind and spirit can take flight.

With all the opportunities available to the formally educated student, Truly, the student can learn more about freedom of mind and spirit at the desk of a classroom than one could ever dream. 

[I_Charge_by_the_foot]

If it matters I've taken the GRE a few times and I've gotten 5 on the writing, the most recent one though hasn't been put out. However, I think you're deserving of a 3.5-4. Argument <=3.5.

Pos: high level diction, decently strong intro (though it's vague)

Neg: You could cite examples, a simple example makes your point waaay better, i.e. point out an artist who is all about creative work and dumps on formal education. Minor spelling errors (riginess, freeding,...), multiple syntax problems/transitioning words (", however." not good at the end of a sentence) are not effectively used. Additionally, you make a rather poor attempt at discussing the other side, in particular, how it might not hold true. You simply state "The riginess [sic] of formal education institutions can stifle the creative spirit. But this does not have to be the case." You don't elaborate on an assertion, a rather big rhetorical mistake since understanding the other side of the issue is important.

The biggest problem with issue essay responses is avoiding the vague and dogmatic statements you want to assert as axioms. Rather, you should be entirely explicit when embodying your stance, use examples, weave ideas throughout the points, and don't ever spend time beating around the bush.

 

Argument essay.

 

This is actually my best subject, I've gotten numerous 6s on Princeton review's practice tests, and I've competed in many speech/writing competitions so I can help you out the most here. 

Pos: You spot the problems, and seem to grasp how to explain them, ie. why they're wrong in making their assumptions.

Neg: Short intro, very meek way to begin an argument essay. You're better off approaching what overarching motif is plaguing the statement, and bring in an example of why it's no good, then say what you're going to address the problems, and assumptions, and what the IMPACT IS IF PROVEN UNWARRANTED (you did NOT do this). Moreover, don't even address the last statement as potentially true or false, and it's a great point to connect to reality (the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does.), here's my stab at it, took me 8 minutes to write this: 

Considering the last statement in the prompt, we ought to consider the impact of a growing economy and the effect on its beneficiaries. In periods of economic growth, there is usually a low unemployment rate and high satisfaction rates among the general population—measured by the FED and by the American Consumer Index. What we can note is that there is no defined causal relation, but when people are employed it's more accurate to say they are more likely to afford (more) luxurious goods—gym memberships and healthier foods, for instance. To address the reverse, if the economy is in a recession or depression, people often cut their spending on everything (healthier food, gas, clothing, and all other expenses) and often experience anxiety and other upset mood states due to the general unease revolving around their job and job prospects which often correlate with unhealthier lifestyles. Perhaps, we could say that people are healthier during a growing economy due to the widespread benefits of a growing economy, more jobs, money, as well as a positive attitude that often accompanies a healthier lifestyle.


 

Edited November 5, 2017 by I_Charge_by_the_foot

[ddliu]

On 11/5/2017 at 11:19 AM, I_Charge_by_the_foot said:

If it matters I've taken the GRE a few times and I've gotten 5 on the writing, the most recent one though hasn't been put out. However, I think you're deserving of a 3.5-4. Argument <=3.5.

Pos: high level diction, decently strong intro (though it's vague)

Neg: You could cite examples, a simple example makes your point waaay better, i.e. point out an artist who is all about creative work and dumps on formal education. Minor spelling errors (riginess, freeding,...), multiple syntax problems/transitioning words (", however." not good at the end of a sentence) are not effectively used. Additionally, you make a rather poor attempt at discussing the other side, in particular, how it might not hold true. You simply state "The riginess [sic] of formal education institutions can stifle the creative spirit. But this does not have to be the case." You don't elaborate on an assertion, a rather big rhetorical mistake since understanding the other side of the issue is important.

The biggest problem with issue essay responses is avoiding the vague and dogmatic statements you want to assert as axioms. Rather, you should be entirely explicit when embodying your stance, use examples, weave ideas throughout the points, and don't ever spend time beating around the bush.

 

Argument essay.

 

This is actually my best subject, I've gotten numerous 6s on Princeton review's practice tests, and I've competed in many speech/writing competitions so I can help you out the most here. 

Pos: You spot the problems, and seem to grasp how to explain them, ie. why they're wrong in making their assumptions.

Neg: Short intro, very meek way to begin an argument essay. You're better off approaching what overarching motif is plaguing the statement, and bring in an example of why it's no good, then say what you're going to address the problems, and assumptions, and what the IMPACT IS IF PROVEN UNWARRANTED (you did NOT do this). Moreover, don't even address the last statement as potentially true or false, and it's a great point to connect to reality (the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does.), here's my stab at it, took me 8 minutes to write this: 

Considering the last statement in the prompt, we ought to consider the impact of a growing economy and the effect on its beneficiaries. In periods of economic growth, there is usually a low unemployment rate and high satisfaction rates among the general population—measured by the FED and by the American Consumer Index. What we can note is that there is no defined causal relation, but when people are employed it's more accurate to say they are more likely to afford (more) luxurious goods—gym memberships and healthier foods, for instance. To address the reverse, if the economy is in a recession or depression, people often cut their spending on everything (healthier food, gas, clothing, and all other expenses) and often experience anxiety and other upset mood states due to the general unease revolving around their job and job prospects which often correlate with unhealthier lifestyles. Perhaps, we could say that people are healthier during a growing economy due to the widespread benefits of a growing economy, more jobs, money, as well as a positive attitude that often accompanies a healthier lifestyle.

first, show your idea and then prove the idea by data.then concession， then reverse, then summary
 

 

 

[YikesSchoolAgain]

Thanks for the help! I ended up scoring a 4.0AWA on my first GRE a few weeks ago. I just retook it yesterday and did much better. I'd say a 5.0 is not unreasonable. Appreciate the help.