Style conundrum - Statement of Purpose

[tRoSeSTO]

Like most of you, I'm here because of uncertainties regarding some aspect of the grad school application process. I've read every credible article I could find about crafting the perfect Statement of Purpose. I've read through a dozen examples of what is considered a great statement. 

My problem is this: I'm not sure if a lot of the suggestions for writing style are applicable to the kind of program I want to study. Of all the statements I read, my favorites are the ones that are conversational and descriptive. They're the ones that read like a story. But is that style suitable for every major?

My favorite statements were written for history and English degrees, but I want to go to grad school for International Relations (IR). The general style of IR publications is anything but vivid. It's careful, clear, and concise. It eliminates adjectives and adverbs, replaces gut-punching verbs with their emotionless equivalents, and speaks in the stilted manner of a indifference. Neutrality is key.

So, at last, my question. Should my statement of purpose be written in the style of IR--because that's the degree I want to pursue--or should it be written to captivate the reader--because I want to grab their attention and be memorable? Note: I also have to include a writing sample on an IR topic. 

I wrote three complete versions of my statement (1,000 words each):

• #1 is written like a story
• #2 is written more like an article in IR
• #3 is a combination
  • page one is my "story"/background, and it's written like #1
  • page two is my reason for choosing that school and that program, what I would like to learn, from which professors, and what I want to do after graduation. It's written like #2.

_________________________

#1 - colorful

My bleary eyes snapped open at the flash of the overhead fluorescent lights. Seconds later, my retinas drank in the scene and clarified the unusual predicament I had awoken in. I was surrounded by strangers. Surrounded, in fact, by 10,000 miles of them. I puzzled over the shifting words slithering across the LED displays and clung to my bag. I stretched my tired legs and crept out of the narrow tunnel into my new life. My 17 hour flight to Chongqing had arrived. To understand why I was in Chongqing--and why I am applying your prestigious university--it is instructive to know the experiences that shaped me.

Before Chongqing, there was Tokyo. I grew up tending to the delicate leaves of my bonsai tree and reconstructing the gnarled lines found in my calligraphy book. At 13, my hazy lifelong interest in Asia took shape in the form of an academic interest: Japanese. I was drawn to the curvy loops of Hiragana, the jagged edges of Katakana, and the serious pictography of Kanji. I promised myself, “When I’m in college, I’ll study Japanese. I’ll even go to Sophia University!” I dreamed of the day I could move to Tokyo, that bustling city lit by the grotesque light of a million flickering billboards and crammed with overworked businessmen, young fashionistas, and everything in between. On the first day of registration, I took my first step and signed up for Japanese. From that day forward, I grabbed every chance I could to immerse myself in the language. Then, seven years after I picked Sophia, Sophia picked me.

_________________________

#2 - IR version 

My interest in Asia originates from my childhood experiences. At that time, being exposed to Asia primarily meant taking care of a bonsai tree and trying to replicate the character strokes in my calligraphy book. Today, my interest is more academic in nature. By the time I was 13, I had already decided that I would learn Japanese. I even decided that I would study abroad at Sophia University in Tokyo. Once in university, I joined Elementary Japanese, Japanese Club, and the Language Exchange Program. Seven years later, I was the sole candidate selected from my university to attend Sophia.

_________________________

Thanks in advance for your help!

Edited November 23, 2017 by JG36848

[TakeruK]

Note: I voted based on the example text, not the description of the two styles you provided.

From the description, I would have voted 50/50. Here, I quote your description and I will bold the things I think your SOP should have but strike-through the things that you have applied to the #2 style that isn't really necessary:

"The general style of IR publications is anything but vivid. It's careful, clear, and concise. It eliminates adjectives and adverbs, replaces gut-punching verbs with their emotionless equivalents, and speaks in the stilted manner of a indifference. Neutrality is key."

That is, my favourite SOPs are the ones that are carefully and concisely written. The writer chooses words carefully to convey the right message. There are no "gut-punching" words that sound fun but don't have a clear meaning. However, this doesn't mean that there is no emotion and that it must be stilted. And you don't have to be neutral either. So I would encourage you to find a balance where you can combine a compelling narrative that is also clear and concise.

However, based on the examples, #2 is way better. It picks out some of the most important ideas from #1 and presents them in a much easier to read manner. You could add more "colour" to it if you want, but #1 is very very distracting (albeit fun to read). There are so many details that I don't know what to focus on. That is, I have to read your paragraph and then think about it in order to digest / get the info I want.

Think of it this way: Imagine how your reader is going to parse your essay. Unfortunately, it is very likely not going to curled up in a nice comfy armchair with a cup of tea/other beverage leisurely reading the text. Instead, it is much more likely going to be at their desk, on a plane, at a train station, etc. They will be reading (probably skimming) your essay along with the dozens or hundreds of other essays. You might get 2 minutes of their time at first. When I read your #1 quickly, I remember two things: "you like Japan" and "you tell a story with lots of details".

When the reader finishes, what impact do you want to leave? Storytelling skills isn't going to get you into your graduate program. When I read #2, I quickly see that you have studied Japanese for a long period of time. I think this is concrete and quantifiable detail is much more useful to the committee than the vague sense of "this person is interested in Japan". More importantly, when committee members debate the merits of each application, you want to equip the person who will speak on your application with concrete details they can say about you.

I'll put in a caveat that this comes from someone in STEM, which is different from both IR and the humanities. The writing style of #1 is never used in academic writing in STEM. You wouldn't write like that for grants, papers, or other applications/proposals. It's not that it's not valued, it's just that writing like this doesn't demonstrate a skill that the committees are looking for. I don't think most reasonable profs will think negatively of someone who wrote in style of #1, it's just that it makes it harder to find useful information but provides no benefit. However, if this type of writing is important for an IR graduate student to have, then my advice may not apply. I only mention it because you say that the IR essays are not like #1 so that might indicate to me that your field expects essays more like mine.

Finally, I do think it's really important to write the way you want though. Your best self will shine through when you are able to do what you want. From your description of the two styles, it sounds like you really dislike #2 and would prefer #1. So I would suggest working more towards a 50/50 that isn't just page 1 of #1 and page 2 like #2. For what it's worth, I know a STEM grad student that had their SOP in the style of a photo essay and that worked out well. They are an excellent communicator though, so although I have not seen their application, I am sure they were still very successful in communicating the key points. That is, I think most objections to "colourful" style is not the style itself, but focusing on creating the most compelling story sometimes leaves out or hides the details that the reader wants. If you can do both though, then that is ideal. But many will choose the "safer" path of the #2 style.

 

[fuzzylogician]

Absolutely not #1 (and not #3, which includes language from #1; see below about content). Forgive my bluntness, but I just wasted time reading two whole paragraphs of totally useless information that would not help me decide to admit you to an IR program whatsoever. Your childhood dreams, how long or uncomfortable a plane ride was, and frankly even having a bonsai tree as a child, aren't at all relevant. Yes, you can say that you've been interested in Japan since an early age and that you've engaged in various activities to familiarize yourself with the language and culture. You might even mention this early desire to study at a particular university, though I tend to think people think that's a better story than it actually is, because at 13 you have no idea if that university or career is actually right for you. But either way, you're applying for a professional program, and you are writing an essay for professionals to read. Treat it as such. Your readers will read this essay along with a couple of hundred of other essays as part of their job, not for leisure. They are looking for very specific information to decide who to admit to their program. This isn't a creative writing exercise. Be detailed and specific, but be concise and professional in your writing. Don't embellish with adjectives, don't flatter your readers, and don't forget that the point is to convince readers that you're a mature applicant that is suitable for this particular advanced degree that you're applying for. That is what your essay should concentrate on.

[PokePsych]

I'd certainly go for 2! 

But I think there is some confusion here - rather than 'write it like a story' - tell a story. Have a flow, have a narrative. That doesn't mean you have to write it overly flowery. Pick you past experiences wisely and relate them to your proposed research.

I use a 'story' in my statement albeit it being written more like 2. I tell how my personal and academic journey have been intertwined for the last five years. How I got interested in cultural psych, moved abroad, which led me to formulate research questions X & Y (about 1/3 a page). How these questions led me back to grad school and what I learned there (that ismainly relevant to my proposed PhD topic). Then how I still have questions X & Y and develop them a bit more detailed. Then how this relates to prof X, and also relates to prof Y. Plus at uni X I can also learn certain skills and things. So next step in my journey should be head to uni X. 

That being said - I only tell a story that is highly relevant to my proposed line of research & work. I don't go on in depth about my experience (e.g.,  'while the smile of kimchi prickled my nose, I watched ... No. I go 'I was observed X - which led me to develop question Y.) but mention how it informed my desire to do a PhD. 50% of my SOP covers my 'related' research experiences. About 35% is what I want to do in grad school and why that school and prof. Then 15% maybe this personal note. 

Use your space wisely. You're losing valuable space by style 1. The content should make it memorable, writing style can make it memorable for the wrong reasons.

 

I'd also certainly refrain from things as  'your prestigious university'

 

Another way to think about it is this. Let's say you're a prof and you have 10 applicants for 1 spot. Do you pick the person who talks about their bonsai tree or the person who discusses what skills he/she brings, what he/she wants to learn (and what you as prof have to offer), and provides some interesting ideas for your line of research?

[tRoSeSTO]

Thank you TakeruK,  fuzzylogician, and Psygeek for your valuable insights!

1. TakuruK
   • I certainly agree that being clear and concise is valuable, especially when given a space of 2-3 pages
   • The part I have been struggling with is the "compelling narrative" part. My natural writing style is #1, and it's hard for me to appreciate a story written in the tone of #2.  I'm working on it though!
   • Thinking about where my reader is going to read my statement is actually really helpful. It reminded me of something I heard in a writing class: “Although you may feel obliged to write, nobody has ever felt obliged to read”
   • "you want to equip the person who will speak on your application with concrete details they can say about you" --> This is also very helpful. I will think carefully about the tidbits of my life will be interpreted by the committee, as well as how that will affect the way they talk about me 
   • I appreciate that you have a strong inclination towards style 1 while still maintaining an openness about style 2. I think it's important for me to remember that I'm writing for my reader and not for myself. I might not like how boring style 2 makes my life feel, but I think you're correct that it's still the style that's best suited for my goal.
2. fuzzylogician
   • Thanks for your directness and honesty! I appreciate the candor. After all, I'm not looking to be coddled;  I'm looking to get into grad school!
   • I agree with what you said. As I mentioned above to TakuruK, I really need to remember that 1 - I'm writing for my reader, not myself, and 2 - the goal isn't to convince myself that my life experiences were vivid and interesting, but to show the committee that I'm a suitable and "mature applicant"
3. Psygeek
   • I guess I didn't consider the difference between "writing like a story" and "telling a story"
   • Thanks for sharing some of your own experience! It's helpful to understand how other people approached their statements
   • I definitely need to remain aware of the proportion of my paragraphs that are serving each purpose. Currently, my paragraphs are written in this way:
     • passion hook --> Japan
     • Japan changed me from 2.0 to 4.0 GPA student --> 4.0 in Japan, 4.0 in Colorado, 4.0 in Missouri
     • continued learning on my own
       • earned 24 certificates from online classes --> started focusing on China and trade relations
       • taught myself Mandarin --> passed the highest language proficiency certification last month 
     • talk about university's master's degree and general things I want to learn from it --> hope to study under the leadership of faculty member ABC for interests 1 and 2
     • interest 1 - interest intro, why this interest, why under ABC, related classes at the university, how the skills from master's helps me pursue interest 1
     • interest 2 - interest intro, why this interest, why under ABC, related classes at the university, how the skills from master's [...]
     • interest 3 - [...] + study under faculty member XYZ
     • career objectives --> how this master's helps --> what I can contribute to the program 
     • conclusion 

Thank you all again for taking the time to read through my post! I will incorporate all of your suggestions into my next draft.