Death, Grief, and Taking time off

[Chemmie]

A little background about my situation, I lost my father unexpectedly during the beginning of my graduate program. It has been a few months, but still a complete struggle to do my work, both class and research. Every time I try to do a major piece of work and can't handle the stress to the point where just the thought of my work makes me nauseous. My doctor has recommended I take a year off school to deal with my grief. When I was home during the holidays, I almost decided to take an early medical leave because it was painful mentally and physically to come back, but I choose to come back and finish the rest of my semester since there's only two weeks left. 

I might feel better after taking some time off, but I am afraid that when I come back, my symptoms might start up again. I don't want to move across the country again just to leave. How would I know when I am ready to come back? I was wondering if any of you had a similar experience. 

[PokePsych]

1. Do take care of yourself - although I did not lose my dad during grad school (it was 2 weeks before the start of high school), I do know you do need to deal with this. And not like 'oh' I'll deal with this one the side. I did not take care of it properly, and it came full-blown back when I moved out to start uni. It's obviously in the way of things, so you need to 'clean up the mess' before you can continue things again. 

2. I would start with maybe taking the semester off, at least in terms of any responsibilities. It really varies per person how 'long' you need to deal with this. For me it has also helped to continue to do things I enjoy - which includes school work, but with no pressure. So if you have any projects you are involved with that you really like, see whether you can do them without any deadlines or other responsibilities (so no extra stress). It will also keep you in touch with people and may make you feel less hesitant to go on a 'leave'. If you need longer, then go for it. 

3. Do you need to move across the country for a leave? Can you stay where you are (given you have some sort of social support network or things you enjoy doing there)? Can you use the uni's counseling service there? Are there any 'stress-free' activities you can join where you live, such as sports, hobbies, etc? And is this better than at home? For me, moving out of a very unhealthy environment at home was the reason why I suddenly went through a lot. Find and think about what would be the best place and environment for you to deal with those things. If that's back at home - go there. But do note that other's will also be dealing with their grief, so it may not be what you expect. 

 

If you need to chat, or someone to listen - just send me a message! 

[Jay.B]

I am really sorry about what you are going through  but take it one day at a time. It helps me to think that they aren't sad that they're no longer here, but I'm the one who's sad due to their absence. I don't think there's really a correct way to cope with losing someone who was part of your life. Everyone deals with this kind of loss very differently. The important thing is that you allow yourself to feel how you want to feel.  I know that a lot of people try to push away the pain, or try to put on a strong face for others but in my experience, personal and through seeing my loved ones cope with death, this only makes the process longer (not that it ever ends…), and leaves a person feeling more hostile and frustrated than anything else. It prolongs those painfully deep feelings of loss, sorrow, guilt, regret, and whatever else comes along with losing someone you love. Personally, I cope in different ways with each loss. I cry when I need to, I go on long drives where I can scream and let out my frustration somewhere away from home. I write a lot, and I try not to shy away from the memories of my lost loved one. It's hard at first, but with time, the happy memories will one day become comforting.

[Adelaide9216]

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. 

Second, I would also say that's up to you (in terms of taking a break). Some people still manage to be able to work while grieving while others can't. There is no good or bad way to grieve. Don't let other people's discomfort with the topic of death and dying influence your choice in terms of what you really want to do and what you really need at this moment. As a social worker, I really like what's been said above, take it one day at the time. I can also mention that in my own personal experience, I still cry over the people I've loved and lost even if it's been many years since I've lost them. I don't believe it is possible to grieve 100% and completely heal from the wound caused by losing someone you loved so deeply. You learn to live with it. You can have happy moments and be productive again. I am. But it will always remain with you. It's unrealistic for most people to say that you'll be 100% fine and that you will stop missing your father, especially if you loved him very deeply or have some unresolved issues with him. The scars will remain with you, but you'll learn immensely from them even if the learning side of it does not appear so clear at the moment. 

Again, I am sorry. Losing the people we love and cherish (and grieving also the relationship we wish we could have with them) is the most difficult thing to overcome in life for me, so I have a lot of empathy for you. Take care of yourself. And surround yourself with people who are willing to listen and be supportive. That's one of the best ways to make it through. 

[Hope.for.the.best]

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It can be difficult to lose someone that is so important to you. It does take time to recover from grief, so don't beat yourself up if you need time to heal yourself. I lost my maternal grandpa 8 years ago. It didn't help when I needed to settle down in a foreign city at the time, so I did not get to see him the very last time and attended his funeral. Even today, I always feel sad whenever I recall him dying in pain. The thing that has helped me the most is to do a PhD on the disease that killed him. Even though I am very far away from finding new cures, I feel better when I can do something about the disease. 

Then, I lost my other grandpa unexpectedly last year. I am very shocked and sad, but the stress of completing my PhD somehow overrides the grief. My dad, however, has a hard time coping, but he does get better today, after a year. Probably that's why your doctor suggests a one-year break.

To me, the best way to cope with grief is distraction (i.e. keeping myself busy), but everyone is different. As others say, take one day at a time. Take care. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by Hope.for.the.best

[AP]

Hi @Chemmie

I'm really sorry for your loss. I also lost a parent in my first year, so I can relate. I did take some time off (it was between semesters) but I also needed to get back to work. Grief is very personal so my suggestion is that you consult with a professional on how to navigate it the best way for you. I strongly recommend that you make the decision based on your needs as a person, your family's situation, and your own reality. A loss like this doesn't heal, it just leaves a scar that sometimes is easier to bear and sometimes is more difficult. In other words, pain does not simply go away like a break up. 

Lots of hugs.

[Chemmie]

When I wrote when I was half asleep due to the amount of work.

Just an update for you guys, I decided to use my time to develop more skills not related to my field of research and travel.