Kamisha

Sorry...I’m an English scholar. Thus, I’m extremely long-winded.

I’m sorry that you are having such a bad experience. I obviously don’t know you, but I’m going to try to give you my honest impressions of why these things might be happening based on what I’ve observed of your communications in this discussion post. I am not a psychologist, so take it for what you will. I will say that there are a couple of people in my department who are going through similar problems and I’m seeing a similar trend. The first thing that stands out to me is your statement that your negativity is not a choice. Truth be told, negativity is always a choice. It’s hard to battle through it and sometimes you just have to have negative days, but a positive attitude will do wonders for you. If you genuinely feel like you can’t control it, that is a problem in academia--not because your problems are your fault, but because personal negativity shines through in every situation and, for many people, is a deterrent. It is likely that your professors and colleagues see this negativity and, as a result, take issue with you. It’s also likely that you don’t recognize that your negativity is coming out. A girl in my problem can’t seem to understand why no one (faculty and students alike) have bonded with her or taken an interest in her, despite the fact that she is very intelligent, but the faculty talk about her negative attitude behind her back and it’s going to affect her in more ways than class discomfort; she will have a hard time getting letters of recommendation, etc. Again, I say this not to come down on you, but to try and allow you to see what it is looking like from an outsider’s perspective. My advice would be to go to your DGS or a faculty member or even another and ask them to genuinely tell you how you come off in the department and how to improve upon it. Truthfully, the comments on this board responding to you have been a little harsh and I realize that you’ve been put on the defensive. That being said, your comments were equally harsh and brutal. You are asking people you don’t know to take an interest in your life. When they respond negatively, it is hurtful; but try to think about why they are responding negatively: is it something in your tone? Is it your attitude toward them? For me, your tone from the very first post (and remember, I recognize that I don’t know you on a personal level; this is purely perception) came off as very self-depricating, defensive, and self-entitled. If you want to garner sympathy, you need to cultivate a tone worthy of sympathy. I’m going to point out a few lines that may have contributed to the poster's negative perception of you: “...m cohort is kind of crappy to me,” “both professors seem to have something against me,” “both of these professors had clear favorites,” “both of these professors appeared to be sexist,” your narration about the male student who came into your class, "I get so upset about it and feel like there's no point... I might as well run away, get a job (seriously, even in retail they treat you better than this) and read on my own. The terrible thing is that I had a pretty crappy life before this" ​I’m not invaliding any of your experiences in this post, but the way in which you present your story makes it sound as though you feel like you are an innocent victim in all of this and that you are entitled to better treatment. That may be, but there is no evidence here of internal reflection. All of the blame is placed outward and little reflection is given as to why people might feel the need to treat you this way. In your other posts (wherein you obviously felt as though you were being attacked) you were extremely sarcastic and came off as very bitter. Even though I disagreed with the comments others were making to you, I found myself feeling absolutely no sympathy for you because the way you frame things makes you sound very petulant and unpleasant: "So I guess as long as I have been unhappy before, I must be unable to perceive anything normally. Maybe I'm also getting paid $5000/month and my attitude is making it seem like less? Maybe the reason crappy things happen to me all the time is people like you, who blame me whenever I suffer and who think that the fact that I am suffering is evidence that I'm full of s***." Your response was worse in tone and cruelty than the original response. She is generally pretentious and mean to people all around. She particularly makes fun of one guy's english (he's not a native speaker, and neither is she, but her english is better) and really made him feel bad for a while. For some reason people seem to like her a lot despite her weird behavior. (I think part of it is that she is really good at acting. e.g. she laughs 'genuinely' at jokes she doesn't get or find funny.) This post makes you sound petty, jealous, insecure, and cruel. I am not saying you ARE these things; I’m saying that is how it comes off. "She also tried to correct my english in front of a professor one time, which was weird because she's not a native speaker and I am (and not surprisingly, her 'correction' was wrong)." This post sounds not only ethnocentric and somewhat condescending, it again makes you seem insecure and angry. "I haven't talked to the other girls about sexism, so I'm not sure what they think. What I can say is that most of the girls don't talk much during class. I talked more than the others and as far as I can tell, got punished for it. The guy who came in an hour late (an hour! not 30mins) is in my cohort, so he actually doesn't have more experience than me. I really don't know how he could have had fabulous insights on a book he hadn't even begun to read." Again, this feels like a lot of displacing guilt and blame. Rather than saying “I was punished for talking” and making it sound you were a victim, take responsibility for talking in class. That can be a disruption. Also, it really feels like you are devaluing your male peer’s intelligence here. Just he was late doesn’t mean he hadn’t read and, even if he hadn’t, you shouldn’t be so concerned about him. Also, just because someone doesn’t have more experience than you doesn’t mean that they aren’t able to offer valuable insights. Yeah, we can still use the libraries, but I don't think that justifies $2000. Again, the cynicism here is off-putting. “What it amounts to is that I had a really horrible childhood which was mainly the fault of my parents, and as a result I have problems with almost every other kind of interaction in my life. But I've tried so hard to get help, and all I get is hurt worse. For example, a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who started to help me, I got really attached to him and then he cut me off because there was a session limit at my university. I'm still, years later, dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him." I’m sorry that you had a miserable childhood. You anger toward your parents is likely justified. That being said, you are blaming your therapist here for doing their job and meeting their professional requirements rather than focusing on the fact that you are unable to accept the professional boundaries. You say that you are still “dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him.” It’s not his fault; he is a therapist and was doing his job. He can’t continue to treat you always when the university has a limit. Again, this is displacing blame and your tone is very harsh and condemning. It doesn’t garner sympathy. "If it's not a contest, why are you telling me what happened to you? Why do you think I would care? It seems like you're saying that your difficult childhood justifies your unkindness to me. It doesn’t." Quite honestly, this is hypocritical and flat out mean. You are asking a group of strangers you don’t know to give you insight and advice about your life and are claiming that you are justified in certain behaviors because of your negative life experiences. How, then, do you possibly justify a cruel response like this? I lost all sympathy for you after reading this line. "You're known to come off as an asshole? Maybe it's becaue you are an asshole... just a thought worth considering." Wow. This is very harsh? Have you ever wondered if people think that you come off as an asshole? After reading this, you definitely did to me. Maybe you should also take this comment as a “thought worth considering?" "I regret posting here. You know how I said that seeking help always comes back to bite me? I guess this is yet another example of it. I was only asking for help. Like it or not, you made me feel worse. There is no good outcome here. Do you really enjoy doing this to people?" Again, condescending and self-depricating. How do you expect others to treat you kindly when you come at them with negativity and cruelty? Like I said, I don’t know you personally and can’t effectively comment on your situation. I can, however, say this: if the attitude you put forth daily (even subconsciously) is what it appears to be from this discussion board, I can honestly understand why you aren’t having a lot of professional and personal success in your program. Try to consciously think about your tone and attitude and worry yourself less with the actions and opinions of others. If you feel like you can’t do that, it may be in your best interest to leave academia--a field which is entirely dependent upon having thick skin and persevering despite terrible odds and biases. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you read this message knowing that the intention here is to help and shed light, not attack or criticize.

Start attending conferences as soon as possible! As an undergrad, the expectation for you to present at conferences is less, but it is definitely still there. I’d presented at 6 national conferences before I graduated and it did me a world of good when I applied for my MA program; it knocks the socks of admissions committees to see undergrads engaging in professional behaviors. If you want to shoot for your PhD right after your BA, you really need conferences.

Well crap...After reading this, I think I should have applied to the Literature program rather than the English program. There goes my chances. Haha.

Yeah Duke typically interviews for their Literature program, but not for their English program.

Baylor interviews some of their admitted candidates, but not all. Other than that, I only know of Emory and UPenn.

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about going to conferences is this: make sure you pick at least one to attend regularly. When you do, people start to recognize you from panels and the consistency is where the networking happens. Pop Culture happens to be my field, but if it isn’t yours, find one that is related to your field and attending it every year.

Not a stupid question. One of the best places to look is UPenn’s call for papers: https://call-for-papers.sas.upenn.edu SW PCA/ACA is a fun one. I go every year. It’s a very friendly conference from undergraduates and grad students.

I was accepted to sixteen schools. My top choices were Edinburgh and York. Both schools offered me half tuition (which is pretty good for a Master’s program over there), but it wasn’t NEARLY enough to cover the expenses I needed to before I could obtain a visa. The good news is, though, that they do better funding for their PhD programs.

I was accepted to several schools for my MA in the UK and desperately wanted to go. What held me back, however, was money. Even with the scholarships I was offered, I would have still had to come up with a ton of money to live on before the UK would grant me a student visa. I’m sure there are ways of doing it. I just felt hopeless and gave up. That being said, however, I’ve regretted it ever since. I say if it’s your dream, you should go for it.

Duolingo is wonderful. I use Rosetta Stone, which is great if you can afford it.

Haha I’d be into that. After reading this thread, I think a “How to Know if You Are Going to Grad School for the Right Reason” thread would be helpful, as well.

Have you ever been stuck on your research for so long that when you finally have the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for, you just want to weep with joy and relief? That was me with today. I cried for thirty minutes straight and then took a nap. Anyone else gone through the same thing?

I just found out about the Grad Cafe app that enables you to check the results search page from your iPhone. There goes my productivity for the next few weeks.

The biggest factor in PhD applications (according to the people I’ve talked to anyway) is that you are a good “fit” for the program. I don’t think it needs to be specified by discipline...more just “interest areas.” It might be more discipline-specific if a school that places a huge emphasis on one period of time. Take Baylor, for example. They are big into Medieval studies and Religious studies within their English department, so most candidates will probably have those qualifications/interests.

Oh, the plight of the Humanities. Some schools get away with giving PhD candidates in English a $9K stipend per year. It’s sick.

I applied for English, as well. Best of luck on your interview!

I spoke with Richard Hudson (UC-Berkeley) at the WLA conference this year and specifically asked him about this issue. He said that his program prefers MA candidates to BA candidates and that most schools worth their salt do, as well. That could have just been his opinion, though. Just another hat to throw into the mix.

PS..I’m the one on the results search who was “Invited to Apply” for fellowships, but later found out that even if you are invited to apply, the Department must nominate you.

Too good, indeed. I’m wasted far more time on Grad Cafe than I ever should have.

Has anyone been formally nominated for a fellowship yet? According to the result search, last year they sent out nominee emails on January 23rd and 24th (though, unless previous years didn’t post their fellowships on the result search, it seems that was the only year they did). Best of luck, everyone!

Even if you live cheap, $16K is not a lot. You are basically right at the poverty line or just above it. And, like the person above me said, it varies on so many factors. Location is huge. Unfortunately, $16K seems to be on the high end for most graduate stipends. You have to get really, really crafty to live on so little. People do it, but know that it is a real challenge. Take comfort in knowing that we’re all broke together. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqrCoyVK80I

I’m currently writing my thesis. Grad cafe is a good distraction. Haha.

It’s possible that the department decides on the candidates they want to accept at the end of January. After the department signs off, however, the graduate school must, as well. That might be the reason why it takes a bit longer on average.