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In such cases (which are, as one might expect, common), we advise our clients to simply de-emphasize the negative aspect and emphasize the theme of progress, i.e. that since your rocky start, you underwent a dramatic turnaround and are a completely different student/person now, and that you have learned from your early mistakes. This is something professional editing can assist with, if you are so inclined. Pete

I second the above poster's input. Stronger language will help make a more convincing, impressive SOP. Regarding including a "statement of personal history," I think it's a wise move, and something we sometimes advise our clients to do, although you can't assume that anyone will read it. Just bear that in mind. Feel free to message me with any questions; I work for a company (StudyStar, Inc.) that provides editing services and consulting for grad school applications. Pete studystarinc.com

I actually think it could be advantageous, especially if most PhD candidates in your field eventually go into academia. It could distinguish you from the pack and provide interesting material for the SOP. Feel free to send me a message if you want additional professional guidance (I work for a writing/editing/consulting company focused on grad school admissions.) Pete studystarinc.com

I can take a look. Pete studystarinc.com

I work with a company that assists applicants with SOP writing and editing. Send me a PM with your draft and I can give you some feedback.

It's a good start, but it needs a better introduction and better organization between ideas. Ideally, the SOP shouldn't have sub-headings (Introduction, Motivation, etc.) - it should just flow smoothly and naturally between paragraphs.

Like a conclusion for any kind of writing, the most important thing (as others have stated) is to briefly reiterate your main ideas and end on a positive note. Use strong, emphatic language. If you have some kind of "hook" or theme (and ideally, you should) tie it together in the final paragraph. I generally advise against saying "thank you and I look forward to hearing from you"; it's courteous but redundant, and, I think, better suited to a job application letter than an SOP (even if they are similar in nature.) Hope this helps! David

These are strong words of advice. Moreover, I think you should fit your reasons for selecting the Univ. of Massachusetts in a different paragraph - maybe the second-to-last. And develop the ideas more - this is an important part of the SOP and it shouldn't be limited to just a few sentences at the end. This sentence - "With my strong theoretical and practical background combined with my enthusiasm in teaching, I believe that I can be successful in my graduate study" - is well stated but I think it could be better. Use stronger, more emphatic language ("I am confident that..." rather than "I believe that....", for example.) These little things go a long way toward improving the SOP, especially the conclusion, which of course should finish on a high note and leave the reader with an impression of who you are as a person and scholar. David

A good question. I think that under no circumstances should they open with a quote; it's trite and shows a lack of originality. (The SOP, especially the introduction, should be in your words, not those of someone else.) Sometimes it's acceptable to include a quotation elsewhere in the writing, as you intend to, but make sure it really does connect directly with the main point of your writing and is not merely inspirational "fluff" (another common pitfall of SOP writing.)

Good start, but one thing the introduction lacks is a solid thematic "hook" to tie the different ideas together and introduce the writing in a memorable and unique way. I encourage clients to shy away from opening the first paragraph with "My intended area of focus..." or "I would like to study XXX because..." You should explain it in a more powerful way, one that sets you apart from many other well-qualified candidates. Sincerely, David

All good questions. Indeed, doing both a personal history statement and a personal statement can be challenging because often, there is a lot of overlap, but look at it as an opportunity to include more information than what's normally allowed by the narrow confines and limited word count of a standard SOP/personal statement. A couple months ago I helped another member of this forum with the exact same problem and together we came up with a good way of distinguishing one piece of writing from the other in a way that hit all the major points of what the program to which he was applying was looking for. First, it is important to elaborate on why you're interested in that field. Obviously, you want to say more than just "I want to be a professor", even if you have to "fake it 'til you make it"; demonstrate a true passion or driving interest in this field among all the different areas of study you could pursue. Of course, do work in your interest in becoming a professor; just "spin it" in such a way that communicates your strong interest in teaching and pedagogy (rather than, say, because it's a good, well-paying career - a totally legit reason, but one best to leave out of the SOP.) Specificity is a good thing; don't shy away from it. It's what distinguishes you from others, and makes your writing unique and genuine-sounding. Addressing a problem in the field you'd like to solve is a good jumping off point. As for quotations, I generally advise my clients to avoid them, since the SOP should be in your words, not those of someone else, and quotes (especially of the inspirational variety) easily fall into the realm of cliche. If you feel you must use a quote, definitely don't start the essay with it - this is a huge no-no of SOP writing.

The good thing about your SOP is that you provide a lot of specific details about projects you have worked on and contributed to, and the anecdote about the Android app makes for a strong opener/hook (you just need to develop it more.) One thing that jumps out at me right away is the length; at over 1,000 words, it's a bit long (this can be fixed in two ways: 1) phrasing things in a less wordy way, and 2) cutting excess details. Does the program specify a word count limit? You need a better way of tying all these paragraphs together in a way that gives the SOP organization/structure and allows it to "flow" smoothly and logically from one paragraph to the next. Also, this statement is problematic: "I must admit I had no technology background prior to my undergraduate studies which affected my scores in my freshman year. However, I persevered and took up online courses while working on my other modules." It's not quite clear what you mean. The wording could also be changed to de-emphasize the negative aspect and EMPHASIZE the positive. Something like "Although I had no technology background prior to my undergraduate studies, I faced the challenge head-on by taking on online courses...." In this way, you can say the same thing without stating directly that your scores/grades were affected. Hope this helps! David

I agree with the above poster. A "story" format might be too unconventional, but if you can bring some creativity to the SOP and change up the routine way of doings things, it may impress whoever's reading your writing and at the very least help distinguish you among many other applicants. Just don't get too abstract or off-the-wall with it! And don't sacrifice content at the expense of creativity - as the above person stated, make sure it addresses everything they need to know about you. David

I always advise my clients to stay within the word limit. Perhaps you wouldn't be disqualified, but it looks bad. If they set the limit at 400 words, there's a reason for it. And yes, 400 words is tough because it usually mean you have to leave out some details, but that's the challenge. As for your second question, it's probably flexible - basically, use whatever format allows you to best express yourself. Another piece of advice I would give you, which doesn't have to do with the SOP per se but is sound advise in general, is to call the office and ask your question over the phone. These days, it seems, no one actually wants to use this magical device called "the phone." Admissions offices are so inundated with phone calls this time of year that sometimes, you're more likely to speak directly with the person you need via a phone call. David

Hello! I'm a professional SOP editor/consultant with StudyStar Inc., and I'd be happy to review your SOP. Feel free to PM it to me. David studystarinc.com