St. Jude and Hip2triangle- thank you for your replies. Going for a Ph.D. is one of those few things in my life that I can point to and say, "THAT'S what I want." And frankly, the fact that it's not panning out after all the work that I (and all of us, I know...) have put into positioning myself favorably is just heartbreaking. And, as you said, St. Jude, it isn't a personal statement of ability and that is what, for me, makes it so hard. I believe in my heart of hearts that I can be a good scholar, that it is fitting for my skills and who I am, and this just makes this process seem socially Darwinist and random (I know that they don't go together, really, but we're in the pit of despair, right?)
Anyway, I'm trying to keep perspective, but it's still painful. I also feel like, as a woman who is approaching child-bearing years and wants to have kids, the longer you push this off, the longer the biological clock ticks...etc., etc., we're all acquainted with gender and workforce issues. Read between the lines.