School choices+relationship=confused

[Ardvark123]

I got into two fantastic universities for my field of study. They are both in similar locations (three hours apart), similar sized universities, similar college towns, similar program sizes, and similar rankings (ranked 9 and 12 for the program). However, one has in-state tuition and the other is out-of-state. This may seem like an obvious decision, BUT my boyfriend will be going to grad school at the out-of-state school. I'm not really interested in a long distance relationship (I've been in one before and it was too hard emotionally for me). There is some chance I will get funding for the out-of-state school, but I wouldn't find out until the enrollment date. I really want to stay with my boyfriend because I really value the relationship, but I obviously don't want to be too in debt, although I will be going into a field that pretty much guarantees me a job that has decent pay upon graduation.

Does anyone have any advice about this? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[anxiousapplicant]

Do you plan on getting married? I mean, is this the real deal or just a serious relationship (I don't mean to minimize it with the "just")? In my own relationship, marriage is guaranteed and so I know I'm going to be helping him pay off his substantial college loans someday, because mine are minimal. Obviously, not everyone can bank on this kind of give-and-take in every relationship. You've got to evaluate the strength of your relationship, the likelihood of your getting a good paying job, and the likelihood of his being willing to compromise for you someday in some shape or form. I'm not saying demand compromise and pay-back, but you should be aware of the willingness of the other person to help you out when you need help, the way you would do the same for them. One or both of the people in a relationship can suddenly be hit with something horrible, and you want to know the character of the other person, to know if they're going to be there for you the way you'd be there for him. Your situation calls you to examine the "big picture," in other words. I guess I don't have a good answer here. Relationships involve sacrifice and giving on the part of both individuals. There's a lot of faith involved, too, because you never know until the shit hits the fan what the other will do. Trust and knowledge of one another means you have a clue to what will happen. It's about love, you know? In difficult situations, you do what you can for the best interests of the other person. I don't know what this means for you, only you can determine this. A good, lasting relationship is a blessing and is worth fighting for, in my opinion.

[anxiousapplicant]

I'm not satisfied with how I worded the above answer. I'm not saying love is about quid pro quo. But from the viewpoint of an outsider looking at a relationship, it is. From the insider perspective, you care about the other person, period, and you don't demand things. But from the outside, it looks shitty for one person to sacrifice and the other doesn't want to. Am I making sense?

[HelloKaty37]

I think anxiousapplicant makes a good point. I am also in a committed relationship and we are planning on getting married in the next couple of years but are not formally engaged (he wants to be able to afford me a nice ring, lol). My boyfriend is planning to move across the country with me, to a place with freezing cold winters when we have both spent our whole lives in Texas and he loves it here. Even more, he's leaving behind a job that he loves and that he could have potentially been promoted at in the next month or so. Now if we had just started dating, I know I would have a really hard time not feeling guilty for being the cause of all this. In fact, we were in essentially the same situation when we started undergrad. He went to a school two hours away from me and decided to transfer to a community college to be with me after we had been dating for over a year because the long distance thing was so hard. I guess what I'm trying to say is, your boyfriend may have some great insight into this beyond just finances, because having been in a similar position, I can say for myself that I felt it was putting a lot of pressure on the relationship the first time my boyfriend uprooted his life for me, but now that we've been together much longer and know that we plan on getting married, the pressure isn't really there this time. Where you are in your relationship can very much determine how successful a leap of faith will be.

[EbolaZaire]

Disclaimer: I'm assuming you've been with your bf for awhile and are almost positive this is the real deal and have no doubts about your relationship. In that case:

I think you should follow him. You love him, grad school is a great opportunity to see how you guys deal with stressful situations together, and if you do break up you're still at a fantastic school. I know the money seems like a huge obstacle now, but in the grand scheme of things it probably isn't much (you can apply to every fellowship possible for the remainder of your schooling there). You can't put a price tag on your lifelong companion.

[a fragrant plant]

Disclaimer: I'm assuming you've been with your bf for awhile and are almost positive this is the real deal and have no doubts about your relationship. In that case:

I think you should follow him. You love him, grad school is a great opportunity to see how you guys deal with stressful situations together, and if you do break up you're still at a fantastic school. I know the money seems like a huge obstacle now, but in the grand scheme of things it probably isn't much (you can apply to every fellowship possible for the remainder of your schooling there). You can't put a price tag on your lifelong companion.

I second this. Go with your bf.

[grammercie]

Wrote some advice, threw it out (too cynical). Just that hearing you say you would consider choosing significant debt to keep a partner sends up red flags. Grad school changes people a lot--be careful. Best wishes.

Edited March 12, 2010 by grammercie

[Reinventing]

My thoughts went to my own experience. I chose a school to be with my significant other, and two months later, the relationship (a serious, long-term, committed one) was in the can. And I saw it happen to others' relationships, too, and in pretty short order. It's a really tough call, just know that anything can happen. It could work out, it could not--and would that change your perspective?