Regrets, I've had a few!

[doctormelody]

Hello all. So let me start by saying that I know the content of this post may seem childish to some, and that there might be a better place for it, but for now, I'm just posting it in this general forum because it doesn't seem to fit neatly anywhere else.

I feel stupid even asking this, but I'm just gonna go for it: does anyone else worry that they've chosen the wrong path constantly? I'm currently in the process of applying to school for Social Work and out of nowhere I just got hit with this panic over whether this is actually what I want to do with my life. I've never ever been the kind of person that knew what they wanted to do, not because I'm not interested in anything, but because I'm interested in so many things! This led to me choosing a rather broad interdisciplinary program for my undergrad major and sticking with it even when I started to have doubts. I think I would have benefitted from taking some time off before or during college to figure out what I was most interested in, but I couldn't due to financial constraints and ended up with a BA that is more or less totally useless. It is what it is and I know I can't change the past, but I was feeling really confident in my choice of Social Work after three years of deliberation on the subject and now all of a sudden I'm doubting myself hardcore.

I did briefly consider going to graduate school for history, mostly because my dad was pushing it on me. He really wanted me to become an academic because he never got the chance and for a while I thought that was what I wanted as well. I just couldn't settle on a field, which I know sounds moronic - the only reason to pursue a PhD, imho, is because you're fiercely passionate about a subject. Anyway, thankfully I dodged that bullet. For a while I was seriously interested in Religious Studies and Philosophy, which I did take some courses in during my undergrad, although they weren't designated as such. I realized pretty quickly, however, how much of an uphill battle it would be to get into a master's program for either of those given my irrelevant degree. This alone might not have deterred me, but the dismal job prospects outside of academia for both of those fields certainly did, as did the incredibly competitive nature of Philosophy grad programs. I also considered English and Psychology (I have a lot of interests, don't judge me!) before realizing that it would basically be the same situation for either of those fields, albeit maybe with the potential to teach AP classes in a high school if the whole PhD thing didn't work out. 

Here's the thing, and this is maybe gonna get me crucified on here but it's honestly the truth: I absolutely hate academia. I hate the competitiveness of it, the silly airs that people put on, the drama and the infighting. I even hate writing papers. When I wanted to be a professor it was because I wanted to teach. I love learning and I love discussing ideas with people, but I'm not terribly good at research and I knew that without any interest in being a hotshot with a ton of publications to my name my chances of getting tenure would essentially be nil. I KNOW all of the reasons why not, and yet. There's a part of me that just misses it, so much. I'm probably among the few people in the world whose favorite classes at college were honestly what most people would refer to as Gen Eds. My first few semesters at college I did really well. My professors loved me. I frequently had the experience of being in a class and feeling like it was essentially just a conversation between me and the professor, which I recognize is totally obnoxious for the other students and I would never do today but I was just so excited about the ideas I was engaging with that I could never shut up.

My peers, by contrast, hated most of our core curriculum and couldn't wait to be done with the (admittedly rather involved) requirements. By the time I got to my junior year, I started to suspect that I was in the wrong program, but there was no way for me to change my major at that point and still graduate in four years, and taking longer than that wasn't an option, financially. I became gradually more depressed as I watched my peers enjoy their specializations and minors while I was still stuck in the past. My senior year, I had to write a thesis, but my heart wasn't in it and it ended up being 10 or 15 pages shorter than it was supposed to be. Basically, it's a miracle I graduated at all, let alone with a 3.5. 

This is getting really long, and I don't know that I have a question so much as I just wonder if anyone else feels this way. I think I might just be one of those people that's always going to have lingering doubts that I chose the wrong path in life, and maybe I just need to make my peace with that. I think I will enjoy Social Work and find it meaningful. It's not that I'm not interested in it. It's just that you only get one life, and I think I'm always gonna regret the paths I didn't take, that I didn't have time to do everything. Also, I'm scared that if I did change my mind and want to pursue an academic career in a different field someday, it might be too late. I'm already 25, which I feel is late to start a master's, and I'm obviously want to work in the field for a few years after my MSW before I consider any more schooling. I'm not interested in a Social Work Phd, and in fact am not even really sure what's involved in one. I'm doing this because I want to help people and I felt it was time for me to get started on some sort of career as opposed to just holding down a mess of different retail jobs for the majority of my 20's.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Why is this so hard? I feel like such a loser because I'm 25 and I still don't know FOR SURE what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know that many people have multiple careers these days, but I've never really heard a story of someone transitioning into academia later in life. It seems like a young person's game, for obvious reasons. I'm gonna stop now because I've already written a novella but if anyone has any words of wisdom or just solidarity to express, I would really really appreciate it.

[ResilientDreams]

11 minutes ago, doctormelody said:

Hello all. So let me start by saying that I know the content of this post may seem childish to some, and that there might be a better place for it, but for now, I'm just posting it in this general forum because it doesn't seem to fit neatly anywhere else.

I feel stupid even asking this, but I'm just gonna go for it: does anyone else worry that they've chosen the wrong path constantly? I'm currently in the process of applying to school for Social Work and out of nowhere I just got hit with this panic over whether this is actually what I want to do with my life. I've never ever been the kind of person that knew what they wanted to do, not because I'm not interested in anything, but because I'm interested in so many things! This led to me choosing a rather broad interdisciplinary program for my undergrad major and sticking with it even when I started to have doubts. I think I would have benefitted from taking some time off before or during college to figure out what I was most interested in, but I couldn't due to financial constraints and ended up with a BA that is more or less totally useless. It is what it is and I know I can't change the past, but I was feeling really confident in my choice of Social Work after three years of deliberation on the subject and now all of a sudden I'm doubting myself hardcore.

I did briefly consider going to graduate school for history, mostly because my dad was pushing it on me. He really wanted me to become an academic because he never got the chance and for a while I thought that was what I wanted as well. I just couldn't settle on a field, which I know sounds moronic - the only reason to pursue a PhD, imho, is because you're fiercely passionate about a subject. Anyway, thankfully I dodged that bullet. For a while I was seriously interested in Religious Studies and Philosophy, which I did take some courses in during my undergrad, although they weren't designated as such. I realized pretty quickly, however, how much of an uphill battle it would be to get into a master's program for either of those given my irrelevant degree. This alone might not have deterred me, but the dismal job prospects outside of academia for both of those fields certainly did, as did the incredibly competitive nature of Philosophy grad programs. I also considered English and Psychology (I have a lot of interests, don't judge me!) before realizing that it would basically be the same situation for either of those fields, albeit maybe with the potential to teach AP classes in a high school if the whole PhD thing didn't work out. 

Here's the thing, and this is maybe gonna get me crucified on here but it's honestly the truth: I absolutely hate academia. I hate the competitiveness of it, the silly airs that people put on, the drama and the infighting. I even hate writing papers. When I wanted to be a professor it was because I wanted to teach. I love learning and I love discussing ideas with people, but I'm not terribly good at research and I knew that without any interest in being a hotshot with a ton of publications to my name my chances of getting tenure would essentially be nil. I KNOW all of the reasons why not, and yet. There's a part of me that just misses it, so much. I'm probably among the few people in the world whose favorite classes at college were honestly what most people would refer to as Gen Eds. My first few semesters at college I did really well. My professors loved me. I frequently had the experience of being in a class and feeling like it was essentially just a conversation between me and the professor, which I recognize is totally obnoxious for the other students and I would never do today but I was just so excited about the ideas I was engaging with that I could never shut up.

My peers, by contrast, hated most of our core curriculum and couldn't wait to be done with the (admittedly rather involved) requirements. By the time I got to my junior year, I started to suspect that I was in the wrong program, but there was no way for me to change my major at that point and still graduate in four years, and taking longer than that wasn't an option, financially. I became gradually more depressed as I watched my peers enjoy their specializations and minors while I was still stuck in the past. My senior year, I had to write a thesis, but my heart wasn't in it and it ended up being 10 or 15 pages shorter than it was supposed to be. Basically, it's a miracle I graduated at all, let alone with a 3.5. 

This is getting really long, and I don't know that I have a question so much as I just wonder if anyone else feels this way. I think I might just be one of those people that's always going to have lingering doubts that I chose the wrong path in life, and maybe I just need to make my peace with that. I think I will enjoy Social Work and find it meaningful. It's not that I'm not interested in it. It's just that you only get one life, and I think I'm always gonna regret the paths I didn't take, that I didn't have time to do everything. Also, I'm scared that if I did change my mind and want to pursue an academic career in a different field someday, it might be too late. I'm already 25, which I feel is late to start a master's, and I'm obviously want to work in the field for a few years after my MSW before I consider any more schooling. I'm not interested in a Social Work Phd, and in fact am not even really sure what's involved in one. I'm doing this because I want to help people and I felt it was time for me to get started on some sort of career as opposed to just holding down a mess of different retail jobs for the majority of my 20's.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Why is this so hard? I feel like such a loser because I'm 25 and I still don't know FOR SURE what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know that many people have multiple careers these days, but I've never really heard a story of someone transitioning into academia later in life. It seems like a young person's game, for obvious reasons. I'm gonna stop now because I've already written a novella but if anyone has any words of wisdom or just solidarity to express, I would really really appreciate it.

I'm going to be honest and say that you don't sound like a good fit for academia, which you've actually expressed yourself. The worst reason to go to grad school is because you don't know what else to do. What you miss is being in undergrad classes, which is not what grad school is. I really don't think you should be worrying about transitioning into academia later in life because even though you admit you don't know what you want to do, you make it pretty clear that it is NOT academia. 

Also. Honest truth, some people never "find themselves". Sometimes your job is just your job and that's okay. You can explore other avenues of interest after work, take extra classes on the side in things that interest you, etc. Your job doesn't have to be your end all be all source of fulfillment.

Finally, 25 is not late to start a master's. This is no longer grade school when you have to have a certain level of education completed by a certain age. People are all on an individualized timescale now. 

[doctormelody]

2 hours ago, ResilientDreams said:

I'm going to be honest and say that you don't sound like a good fit for academia, which you've actually expressed yourself. The worst reason to go to grad school is because you don't know what else to do. What you miss is being in undergrad classes, which is not what grad school is. I really don't think you should be worrying about transitioning into academia later in life because even though you admit you don't know what you want to do, you make it pretty clear that it is NOT academia. 

Also. Honest truth, some people never "find themselves". Sometimes your job is just your job and that's okay. You can explore other avenues of interest after work, take extra classes on the side in things that interest you, etc. Your job doesn't have to be your end all be all source of fulfillment.

Finally, 25 is not late to start a master's. This is no longer grade school when you have to have a certain level of education completed by a certain age. People are all on an individualized timescale now. 

It wouldn't be because I don't know what else to do. It would be because I genuinely enjoy learning. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough that what I enjoyed about my gen ed classes in undergrad was the content, which spanned from world literature to philosophy and religious studies. My program was not the right fit for me, and I deeply regret that I didn't delve deeper into one of those disciplines when I was in undergrad. 

I know you are trying to be helpful, and I appreciate that, but it sounds like you are essentially telling me to settle for an unfulfilling life because I do not enjoy some aspects of academia. I get that some people find fulfillment in places other than their career, such as in their family lives/hobbies/etc, but I don't see that being me. I can't do something I don't believe in forever. I've watched that destroy my dad for too long.

Maybe I am worrying too much and I will find fulfillment as a social worker, in which case, great! Case closed. I have to say though, I find your comment about this no longer being grade school somewhat condescending. I understand that there is no age limit for graduate schooling; what I am concerned about is that if I am, say, 35-40 and decide that I am no longer fulfilled by whatever career I have decided to pursue, the fact that I took so long to discover my true "passion," as it were, would not be looked upon favorably by an admissions committee (for instance, if I decided to go back for a second master's). I mean, who gets a PhD at age 45-50? I feel like that's not a thing. 

I'm not naive. I know what graduate school is and what it isn't. However, as I said in my original post, I only have one life, and I feel like it would be sad to not pursue subjects I am interested in just because I think the academy as an institution is an elitist piece of garbage. I anticipate people saying that I could just study those same subjects on my own or take community college courses, but I think it's obvious that there's a difference between having a full-time job and reading for pleasure or auditing a night class and taking advanced courses in a subject. But please, if I'm wrong, feel free to enlighten me on what grad school actually is.

Edited December 21, 2018 by doctormelody

[placeinspace]

If you just "love learning" but don't have a very strong passion for one specific subject, then grad school will not be a good idea for you, especially not a PhD. Liking your Gen Eds is great! But as a grad student, you will be expected to research highly specialized topics in one specific area and will become an expert in a tiny niche field. From everything you said, that sounds like less than a good match for you. Auditing a variety of advanced courses in different subject areas is probably your best bet as a match to your interests, unless you can take some time to explore on your own first and then determine which exact field you'd like to study. Deciding to do a PhD but not even knowing what subject you'd like to do one in is probably a sign you aren't ready to go down that path just yet (but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind later).

Also, I am a bit confused about how you strongly dislike academia but also refuse to do a job for your whole career that you don't believe in... as that seems to be exactly what academia would be for you.

As for being too old to go back to school, you should do some more reading about the subject. Plenty of people go back to school at older ages to make a career change to something they have always loved (often after their kids have left the house and they have more financial freedom and free time). There is no age limit on a degree. 

[doctormelody]

2 minutes ago, placeinspace said:

If you just "love learning" but don't have a very strong passion for one specific subject, then grad school will not be a good idea for you, especially not a PhD. Liking your Gen Eds is great! But as a grad student, you will be expected to research highly specialized topics in one specific area and will become an expert in a tiny niche field. From everything you said, that sounds like less than a good match for you. Auditing a variety of advanced courses in different subject areas is probably your best bet as a match to your interests, unless you can take some time to explore on your own first and then determine which exact field you'd like to study. Deciding to do a PhD but not even knowing what subject you'd like to do one in is probably a sign you aren't ready to go down that path just yet (but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind later).

Also, I am a bit confused about how you strongly dislike academia but also refuse to do a job for your whole career that you don't believe in... as that seems to be exactly what academia would be for you.

As for being too old to go back to school, you should do some more reading about the subject. Plenty of people go back to school at older ages to make a career change to something they have always loved (often after their kids have left the house and they have more financial freedom and free time). There is no age limit on a degree. 

Okay. I guess I am not communicating myself clearly enough. I understand that you can't be some kind of dilettante academic. I understand that I would have to do specific research in one of the fields I listed above. I dislike ASPECTS of academia, such as the elitism and what seems like a constant pressure to publish. There are also aspects that I really love, such as classroom discussion. I think I would really enjoy teaching. 

I'm really struggling here because I don't want to be rude towards anyone and I know that you are just trying to help, but I don't appreciate being spoken to as if I am a child. I took a big leap putting this out there and I was mainly trying to see if there's anyone else on here that shares my feelings. Again, I don't want to be rude, but I don't feel like I need some kind of basic explanation as to what grad school is? It feels like you both are telling me that it's ALREADY too late because I didn't discover my passion during my terrible undergrad experience, which is sort of contrary to the message I feel you are actually trying to send.

[placeinspace]

4 minutes ago, doctormelody said:

Okay. I guess I am not communicating myself clearly enough. I understand that you can't be some kind of dilettante academic. I understand that I would have to do specific research in one of the fields I listed above. I dislike ASPECTS of academia, such as the elitism and what seems like a constant pressure to publish. There are also aspects that I really love, such as classroom discussion. I think I would really enjoy teaching. 

I'm really struggling here because I don't want to be rude towards anyone and I know that you are just trying to help, but I don't appreciate being spoken to as if I am a child. I took a big leap putting this out there and I was mainly trying to see if there's anyone else on here that shares my feelings. Again, I don't want to be rude, but I don't feel like I need some kind of basic explanation as to what grad school is? It feels like you both are telling me that it's ALREADY too late because I didn't discover my passion during my terrible undergrad experience, which is sort of contrary to the message I feel you are actually trying to send.

It's definitely NOT too late, that was my whole point. Take some time while you're in a social work career to determine if you find it fulfilling, and if not, then do some more research and reading and figure out where your real passion is. If you really wanted to, you could do an interdisciplinary MA like a Chicago MAPH or similar which will allow you to learn and define your interests in a classroom, but it is a pricey option. Taking the time while you're working in another field is a more cost effective option.

[doctormelody]

12 minutes ago, placeinspace said:

It's definitely NOT too late, that was my whole point. Take some time while you're in a social work career to determine if you find it fulfilling, and if not, then do some more research and reading and figure out where your real passion is. If you really wanted to, you could do an interdisciplinary MA like a Chicago MAPH or similar which will allow you to learn and define your interests in a classroom, but it is a pricey option. Taking the time while you're working in another field is a more cost effective option.

Okay, I guess I misunderstood. I think I looked into that program a while back and it sounded amazing but obviously the cost was a factor. I’m sorry if my words were overly harsh, I’m overtired and incredibly stressed at the moment. Thank you for trying to help.

[ResilientDreams]

3 hours ago, doctormelody said:

It wouldn't be because I don't know what else to do. It would be because I genuinely enjoy learning. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough that what I enjoyed about my gen ed classes in undergrad was the content, which spanned from world literature to philosophy and religious studies. My program was not the right fit for me, and I deeply regret that I didn't delve deeper into one of those disciplines when I was in undergrad. 

I know you are trying to be helpful, and I appreciate that, but it sounds like you are essentially telling me to settle for an unfulfilling life because I do not enjoy some aspects of academia. I get that some people find fulfillment in places other than their career, such as in their family lives/hobbies/etc, but I don't see that being me. I can't do something I don't believe in forever. I've watched that destroy my dad for too long.

Maybe I am worrying too much and I will find fulfillment as a social worker, in which case, great! Case closed. I have to say though, I find your comment about this no longer being grade school somewhat condescending. I understand that there is no age limit for graduate schooling; what I am concerned about is that if I am, say, 35-40 and decide that I am no longer fulfilled by whatever career I have decided to pursue, the fact that I took so long to discover my true "passion," as it were, would not be looked upon favorably by an admissions committee (for instance, if I decided to go back for a second master's). I mean, who gets a PhD at age 45-50? I feel like that's not a thing. 

I'm not naive. I know what graduate school is and what it isn't. However, as I said in my original post, I only have one life, and I feel like it would be sad to not pursue subjects I am interested in just because I think the academy as an institution is an elitist piece of garbage. I anticipate people saying that I could just study those same subjects on my own or take community college courses, but I think it's obvious that there's a difference between having a full-time job and reading for pleasure or auditing a night class and taking advanced courses in a subject. But please, if I'm wrong, feel free to enlighten me on what grad school actually is.

The thing about grad school is that at the PhD level in particular, it's about more than learning. It's about CREATING new knowledge, which is something that you've presented yourself as being opposed to. I was simply pointing out that I don't think academia is where you'll find fulfillment, and rather than worrying about how to backtrack to something that you already know isn't for you, you should focus on how to get what you want. You like learning and you like teaching/mentoring. That's great. You don't like research. That's fine. But the structure of academia isn't going to change to meet your interests. I agree with @placeinspace that you should use your time in your social work career to reflect critically on what it is you want. 

I'm not telling you to settle for an unfulfilling life because you don't like some aspects of academia... I'm telling you you should avoid academia so you don't have to deal with those aspects at all, because you know you'll be unhappy. 

Also the comment about it not being grade school anymore wasn't meant to be condescending. Rather, it should be freeing because now you have the power to direct your own life. 

[doctormelody]

1 hour ago, ResilientDreams said:

The thing about grad school is that at the PhD level in particular, it's about more than learning. It's about CREATING new knowledge, which is something that you've presented yourself as being opposed to. I was simply pointing out that I don't think academia is where you'll find fulfillment, and rather than worrying about how to backtrack to something that you already know isn't for you, you should focus on how to get what you want. You like learning and you like teaching/mentoring. That's great. You don't like research. That's fine. But the structure of academia isn't going to change to meet your interests. I agree with @placeinspace that you should use your time in your social work career to reflect critically on what it is you want. 

I'm not telling you to settle for an unfulfilling life because you don't like some aspects of academia... I'm telling you you should avoid academia so you don't have to deal with those aspects at all, because you know you'll be unhappy. 

Also the comment about it not being grade school anymore wasn't meant to be condescending. Rather, it should be freeing because now you have the power to direct your own life. 

That's fair. I think possibly I overreacted due to exhaustion. I apologize. I don't know that I'm necessarily *opposed* to creating new knowledge, I just hate writing papers. Honestly, I feel like my distaste for research may be more of a reflection of the fact that I was never trained how to research properly than me just hating it inherently - the structure of my program was very much like, short papers with only one source required (the text that we were reading) for the first two years and then a long-distance seminar which was supposed to teach us research methods but did not and then a thesis senior year. Some people managed to make the most of it, but I definitely wasn't one of them. I like data and I like interacting with new ideas - I'm just not sure how to make that into effective academic writing. 

[beardedlady]

@doctormelody I feel your existential fomo. There's this metaphor in The Bell Jar where all of the potential choices of Esther's life are figs on a tree, and she imagines starving to death, being paralyzed by the prospect of choosing just one fig to eat.

I love what I study (Enlgish MA) and am still petrified by the prospect of a PhD, knowing that it would structure my life in a very specific, and probably financially untenable way. Also, though I truly want to pursue an academic career, I chose English quite randomly as an undergrad, and when I let my mind wander I often think that I may have been just as happy or happier doing something else: philosophy, law, biology... endless random figs. What eases my mind is knowing that life tends to happen with or without your choices or plans, and it's really quite impossible to know how things will turn out. Who knows what we'll be like in 10 or 20 years? Or the world itself? We might all die in a sea of biohazardous waste. I know this is bleak and somewhat cliche, and maybe it's only comforting in my distorted imagination, but ultimately you need to choose what you think will make you fulfilled now (and also preferably keep you from abject poverty). Of course, you need to keep an eye toward the future, but also keep in mind that it's a disorienting fog of doubt. Don't get sucked in. 

And on the flip-side, 25 is plenty young. Unless our planet implodes or a nuclear war breaks out, we're likely to live till we're well over 100. In which case, you have enough time for a career change (or five). I personally know a person who finished a PhD in biology at 34, decided it wasn't for her, went back to the blackboard, and decided to become a psychologist. Where I'm from, this is at least 2 years of grad school and another 4-6 years of intensive training. She's now happily practicing, helping people out of their own existential crises. And in fact, going into a PhD in the humanities, I'm  well-aware that it's very possible I ultimately won't go into academia, but may have to switch gears and find a different profession in order to afford life. For me, this will mean finding a real-world job for the first time (other than waitering, freelance translating etc.) in my mid-30s. 

Bottom line? It's good to look back and reevaluate, and to look forward to consider what choice is best at present. But don't let these tenses confuse you too much. And I'm hardly what you'd call a "free spirit", so I'm kind of shocked to be writing this, square that I am.

Good luck!

[doctormelody]

16 minutes ago, lit-TARDIS said:

@doctormelody I feel your existential fomo. There's this metaphor in The Bell Jar where all of the potential choices of Esther's life are figs on a tree, and she imagines starving to death, being paralyzed by the prospect of choosing just one fig to eat.

I love what I study (Enlgish MA) and am still petrified by the prospect of a PhD, knowing that it would structure my life in a very specific, and probably financially untenable way. Also, though I truly want to pursue an academic career, I chose English quite randomly as an undergrad, and when I let my mind wander I often think that I may have been just as happy or happier doing something else: philosophy, law, biology... endless random figs. What eases my mind is knowing that life tends to happen with or without your choices or plans, and it's really quite impossible to know how things will turn out. Who knows what we'll be like in 10 or 20 years? Or the world itself? We might all die in a sea of biohazardous waste. I know this is bleak and somewhat cliche, and maybe it's only comforting in my distorted imagination, but ultimately you need to choose what you think will make you fulfilled now (and also preferably keep you from abject poverty). Of course, you need to keep an eye toward the future, but also keep in mind that it's a disorienting fog of doubt. Don't get sucked in. 

And on the flip-side, 25 is plenty young. Unless our planet implodes or a nuclear war breaks out, we're likely to live till we're well over 100. In which case, you have enough time for a career change (or five). I personally know a person who finished a PhD in biology at 34, decided it wasn't for her, went back to the blackboard, and decided to become a psychologist. Where I'm from, this is at least 2 years of grad school and another 4-6 years of intensive training. She's now happily practicing, helping people out of their own existential crises. And in fact, going into a PhD in the humanities, I'm  well-aware that it's very possible I ultimately won't go into academia, but may have to switch gears and find a different profession in order to afford life. For me, this will mean finding a real-world job for the first time (other than waitering, freelance translating etc.) in my mid-30s. 

Bottom line? It's good to look back and reevaluate, and to look forward to consider what choice is best at present. But don't let these tenses confuse you too much. And I'm hardly what you'd call a "free spirit", so I'm kind of shocked to be writing this, square that I am.

Good luck!

This is actually super comforting! I mostly wanted to know that I wasn’t alone.

I’m not a free spirit either by any means, although I certainly had such aspirations when I was younger. Then I realized how much being poor actually sucks, haha.

I remember the scene you’re talking about in The Bell Jar, and I relate as well. At some point, though, we do have to choose. There’s no avoiding that.

Thank you so much for your reply, it made me feel a lot better.

[beardedlady]

On 12/22/2018 at 4:34 AM, doctormelody said:

I mostly wanted to know that I wasn’t alone.

You're most definitely not alone. Most of the closest people around me seem quite disoriented and unsure about what the hell they're doing.

On 12/22/2018 at 4:34 AM, doctormelody said:

Thank you so much for your reply, it made me feel a lot better.

Glad to share my experiences and perspective. Good luck!

[doctormelody]

1 hour ago, lit-TARDIS said:

You're most definitely not alone. Most of the closest people around me seem quite disoriented and unsure about what the hell they're doing.

Glad to share my experiences and perspective. Good luck!

Thank you so much! Best of luck to you as well!

[staxdo_21]

I originally earned my post-bac with the intention of applying for my Master's right after, but, like you, was very turned off by the petty infighting and politics. After the program, I found myself simultaneously working a handful of jobs loosely related to the field, and an internship, which gave me the illusion of engagement with my industry. I tried for a while to secure an entry-level job at a museum or gallery but finally found myself working in an administrative role within an academic institution (admissions). Once again, the close proximity to academia gave me access to some academic resources and classes. I moved on into a development role at another academic institute where I am currently employed. 

I can tell you now that there is drama, elitism, and politics everywhere. Sometimes even the most charitable and equitable places are, in reality, quite toxic. I know from my friend's experience, industry can be more bearable but anything in the social sector will have its unnecessary challenges. 

I think you need to review the general ed classes you enjoyed and reflect on the actual content that intrigued you and try diving deep into one of those subjects. Obviously, general learning is incredibly exciting and stimulating but try focusing on one area for a few weeks and see if you can see yourself staying on that track. 

In regards to age, I never imagined myself pursuing my Master's so long after earning my undergraduate degree. However, I feel more equipped than ever to return to school for something that truly interests me. It sounds like you actually would benefit from more time off before diving back in. I just met up with a professor whose class I audited a few years ago, and she told me that she's still wrapping up her doctorate dissertation well into her fifties. So, don't put so much pressure on yourself. It would be better to wait ten years and return with a real sense of yourself and your interested than to pour in money to a program that already leaves you a bit bored. That is definitely not the way to start graduate school.