the boyfriend factor...

[student4ever]

how much should i consider my boyfriend when deciding a school? he will soon be finishing his first year of a phd program at his #1 school. for Fall 2010, i was accepted into my top school (also a phd program)... but i was also accepted at my boyfriend's school. while his school is excellent in his area, it is very small and new in mine (some courses are still in development, no one has graduated from the program yet). both schools are offering financial packages, though my boyfriend's school is offering more support.

we've been doing distance for over a year (him in school, me working). obviously it's hard, but we've managed it pretty well. no drama or trust issues that can sometimes arise.

i'm wondering what a guy's perspective is on all this. my boyfriend hasn't really expressed his thoughts because he doesn't want me to base my decision on how he feels... he has said, though, that he recognizes that i got into a top program in my field.

i think i will be happier being in a long distance relationship at my top school than being with my boyfriend at his school... am i being totally selfish? i am seriously committed to our relationship. in the long run, i just think we will have more job options in the same area by having degrees from top schools in our respective fields. what do you all think?

[Faythren]

I certainly don't think you're being selfish, you don't seem to think he's being selfish for having gone where he is. Sacrificing your career aspirations isn't fair to you, especially if you'd be the only one sacrificing. If you want to go to a top school in your field, and they want you, I'd say go for it, especially if you and the boyfriend have already grown accustomed to the distance. If finances are more of a concern, then by all means go to his school, but I would say go where you want to go.

[shakespearebro]

I agree, go where you need to go.

[Pierre]

I am in a sort of similar situation myself and I must say that things like this makes you not enjoy getting into that top program as much as you would want to/should.

With that said, I definitely don't think that you're being selfish. If you've already done long distance and it seems to work for you, then by all means go for that top program and kick *** at it. Think about the possibilities that it will give the two of you in the future. Now if I can only apply this logic to my own situation I should be fine (the old saying "easier said than done" has never been this true).

Good luck to you

Edited March 30, 2010 by Pierre

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

Go to the better school. It will pay off in the long run for a variety of reasons: no resentment on your part, probably better job placement, just better academic fit. He will probably be upset you aren't closer, but it seems he recognizes you need to go to the better school. If you haven't run into huge issues for this first year, I'd bet you could handle a few more.

[Katzenmusik]

Go for the top program in your field!

If I were in your place and turned down my top school, I would always secretly feel just a bit resentful about it.

In the long run, this may be healthier for your relationship.

Edited March 31, 2010 by Katzenmusik

[Nibor6000]

Not to belittle your relationship, but relationships begin and end all of the time. Ask yourself how you would feel if you went to your second choice school and - worst case scenario - broke up during the first semester. Would you be kicking yourself for not going to the dream school?

[anxiousapplicant]

Not to belittle your relationship, but relationships begin and end all of the time. Ask yourself how you would feel if you went to your second choice school and - worst case scenario - broke up during the first semester. Would you be kicking yourself for not going to the dream school?

I am leaning toward this advice. Student4ever, I am not trying to make judgements about you, but you never used the word "love" in your post. In my own relationship, I would take the offer at his school without a second thought. I could never bear a long distance relationship, I have to see him every day. But that's me. Your situation is likely different, and so you have to weigh things. How deeply in love are you? Will you be resentful? Will he sacrifice for you? That type of thing.

[student4ever]

thanks for all your thoughts! i think i would regret not going to the better school, but i would also regret if my relationship did not work out. someone mentioned to me that distance is usually an excuse for a relationship not working out... usually there are bigger issues underneath (trust, commitment, etc)... i guess there is some truth to that.

to anxiousapplicant: i don't think this decision would be so difficult if i wasn't in love...

[student4ever]

I am in a sort of similar situation myself and I must say that things like this makes you not enjoy getting into that top program as much as you would want to/should.

With that said, I definitely don't think that you're being selfish. If you've already done long distance and it seems to work for you, then by all means go for that top program and kick *** at it. Think about the possibilities that it will give the two of you in the future. Now if I can only apply this logic to my own situation I should be fine (the old saying "easier said than done" has never been this true).

Good luck to you

thanks pierre, good luck to you too. doesn't the decision seem obvious on some days and not others? aaah! i never thought making a decision would be so hard!!

[Postbib Yeshuist]

If it were my wife, I would want her to do what's best for her. If we're truly committed, we'll make it work. Luckily, it's not my wife, so this isn't a decision I have to make. I have great sympathy for you.

Bottom line: make the choice YOU think is best. Boyfriends come and go, but sometimes, you only have one shot at a good education. If you two are "meant to be together," you'll both make it work.

Edited March 31, 2010 by Postbib Yeshuist

[Roll Right]

I agree with most of these posts. It really comes down to whether the distance is a problem. Obviously it won't last forever, and the top program in your field is quite an accomplishment. However funding is important, and getting away without any debt from a PhD (which should be expected) is the best option in my opinion. If the program at his school is good, why not go? I think you need to consider happiness as well as professionalism. Perhaps you will accel at his school, as you have little worries about money and are closer to the person you love. Or it may be the case that you would accel anywhere, regardless of the social environment.

Personally, if I had generous funding from a school my gf was already attending, which was also well known in my discipline, I'd choose that school over the number one program. I think I'd be happier. But thats just me, and a decision to the contrary is not selfish. Your bf probably won't be upset with you, as it sounds to be a healthy relationship.

[nacholibre]

The romantic inside of me says screw these academics, go with love. I don't know if you've watched the movie Up in the Air, but that one line George Clooney says is pretty damn true. "If you think about it, your favorite memories, the most important moments in your life... were you alone? Life's better with company."

To be honest, I don't think you'll be happier at your top school. You'll feel more accomplished, maybe have a larger sense of pride, throw the name of your school around and elicit some oohs and ahhs, but you won't be happier. Happy comes from people, not from school rankings.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing - no school, no job, not even winning a Fields Medal - that can substitute the feeling I get when my girlfriend wakes me up with a kiss and a hug.

[socnerd]

I think you should only consider not going to the top school if you really think that you are going to marry this guy. And even if that is the case, if you guys have the kind of relationship that is going to last anyway being apart isn't going to change that.

[student4ever]

To be honest, I don't think you'll be happier at your top school. You'll feel more accomplished, maybe have a larger sense of pride, throw the name of your school around and elicit some oohs and ahhs, but you won't be happier. Happy comes from people, not from school rankings.

thanks for your thoughts. i totally see where you're coming from. but i guess i should clarify on my part-- i think i would be "happier" at my top school not because of the name or prestige but simply because there are more opportunities (more faculty that match my interests, more student organizations, more course selection, more research opportunities, etc.). this school is also closer (within driving distance) to my brother & sister-in-law... and as much as i can see a future with my boyfriend, i feel like i can always rely on family in any circumstance.

[firepluswater]

I think long distance is easier to manage than most people think. I mean, its impossible to not communicate. We got cell phones, instant messaging, and WEBCAM (My favorite! ). The only real thing you miss is the 'physicalness'. I think the hardest thing to manage is to dedicate time each day to be able to sit down and TALK. And no, I don't mean sit down and talk WHILE WATCHING TV OR SURFING THE WEB. I mean sit down and talk,talk. Give 110% nothing less! Of course, I also make an effort to try to visit her once every 1-2 months. And of course, I'm with her over summer.

Now, in my opinion, since your both PhD's your going to be so busy you wont have much time to really miss each other. You'll both be wrapped up in research even if you were going to the same school how often would you actually be able to see each other?

IMHO I would pick the top school, you got the rest of your post-grad life to spend with him!

Good luck

[prolixity]

Don't consider your boyfriend's feelings at all. You'll regret compromising and not being a bit more selfish in the future.

My wife and I are starting PhDs on opposite coasts this fall.. but we'll fare well.

[cybe2001]

thanks for your thoughts. i totally see where you're coming from. but i guess i should clarify on my part-- i think i would be "happier" at my top school not because of the name or prestige but simply because there are more opportunities (more faculty that match my interests, more student organizations, more course selection, more research opportunities, etc.). this school is also closer (within driving distance) to my brother & sister-in-law... and as much as i can see a future with my boyfriend, i feel like i can always rely on family in any circumstance.

Despite loving him, tt seems that, at some level of consciousness, you already account for the possibility that your relationship won't last forever. Go with your feeling!

[straightshooting]

It seems worth noting that it will probably be no easier after you finish your PhDs, as the "two body" problem becomes no less acute -- indeed, arguably more so -- once you're both on the job market. The top program will presumably result in a stronger dissertation and better job prospects/more leverage to try to negotiate a spousal hire. Welcome to the woes of having an academic partner.

[wordslinger]

I really feel for you for having to make this choice. As a graduate student, a true romantic, and survivor of a failed marriage, I can with real fervor that you should make the best choice for your studies. If the relationship is going to work out, it will be all the stronger for the distance factor. Going to his school, no matter how good a program it is, is going to create a "what if" scenario in your head. And that could be much more destructive to your relationship than distance.

On a side tangent, I also think that our culture (via media, family structures, etc.) encourages women to make decisions "for love," while men are encouraged to be rational and logical. I know that's a complete generalization, but it does raise special concerns for women interested in both academic pursuits and family.

I also hope that you'll let us know how this ends! I'm engaged in your story!

[strokeofmidnight]

Absolutely go to the top program. It sounds as though the two of you have already figured out how to make a long-distance relationship possible, so although it will be difficult, it's not as though you're absolutely choosing between the relationship and your top choice.

I'm extremely fortunate that I will be attending my partner's program this fall (and it happens to be the best program for both of us), but we spent 8 out of the past 10 years we've been together either commuting long distances (200+ miles every week), or simply living apart. It has actually worked out reasonably well. Only once did I made an academic choice partly out of consideration for him (I turned down an funded PhD offer from an Ivy in part because it was on the "wrong coast"). Although he never asked me to do so, the resentment that I felt afterwards (especially when the program that I did attend turned out to be a horrible choice) nearly wrecked the relationship.

Forgive me if this is already obvious, but I think that choosing what is the best option for you isn't any indication that you love your boyfriend less, or are less committed to the relationship. It isn't a matter of proving that you love him--but rather that making the best choices for the two of you as a couple often means attending to your own happiness. I firmly believe that a steady relationship requires two happy people--which, in your case, seems that it would entail pursuing your academic goals at the best program for you.

I also want to second the job market considerations. I don't know what the market is like for your field, but it's absolutely awful in mine. If my partner and I want any chance of obtaining academic jobs within commuting distance of each other (which will heavily restrict our options), we'll both need to be strong scholars. Going to a top program (one that is particularly well suited for my research) won't guarantee it, but it will increase the likelihood that we can choose/find jobs given those geographic restrictions.

[peffy1962]

I empathize completely. :/

Edited April 5, 2010 by peffy1962

[Phalène]

It really depends on how serious your relationship is, and how much you value being together (in a literal sense - because of course you can be emotionally together many miles from each other!). For me, the most important thing was that I'd be living with my husband (who is currently working). This means I commute upwards of 6 hours a day (which sounds worse than it is, I think), but for me it's worth it. And thankfully, my final course is Thursday and my commuting will be mostly over!

Edited April 6, 2010 by Phalène

[eucalyptus]

It really depends on how serious your relationship is, and how much you value being together (in a literal sense - because of course you can be emotionally together many miles from each other!). For me, the most important thing was that I'd be living with my husband (who is currently working). This means I commute upwards of 6 hours a day (which sounds worse than it is, I think), but for me it's worth it. And thankfully, my final course is Thursday and my commuting will be mostly over!

Six hours?!?! How do you do it?? Are you driving or on a train/bus that whole time? How many days per week??

[Phalène]

It's 30-40 minutes by bus (although if I miss a bus I might have to wait over an hour for the next one), then 2 hours by train, then 10-15 minutes by cab. I go down and come back on Mondays (leave the house just before 8AM, get home around 11PM). I also go down on Wednesdays, stay overnight at a B&B and come home Thursday night. It's tiring, but doable. Next year I'll be studying for my comps and am hoping to work mostly from home, though I'll still need to go in for my TAship.