Getting weird vibe after starting program

[cicero28]

Hello. For Background I am a humanities PhD student at a fairly small program (5-8 new students each cohort). I am coming straight from my undergrad in the midwest. My new institution is an ivy league uni.

I've felt quite odd after starting my program. I moved here a month ago, and have been getting to know my cohort and the rest of the department. I'm getting a vaguely cold-shouldery vibe from a lot of people, like I'm getting excluded. Most people are "nice but not friendly" if that makes sense. Everyone in my cohort seems to like each other more than me. I'm a quite extroverted person, and have never had issue making friends or getting to know people, and I've made a lot of efforts to get to know people in the last 30 days but I still feel out of place. This is not imposter syndrome, I have no doubts about my qualifications or ability to succeed in grad school, but I feel like i don't "fit in". I'm also not yet identified anyone in the dept. to whom I would be comfortable conveying this info. Most of my good interactions have been with people outside my department at other graduate school social events.

Has anyone experienced something similar and have any advice? I think a part of it, or maybe much of it, could just be in my head, a psychological side effect of such a huge shift in my life (my first time out of the country). But its making me feel a bit jaded and worried I'll have to navigate this weird, kafkaesque social situation for years to come. 

[Boolakanaka]

My counsel, is give it time. I’ve been in both grad (two degrees) and professional school (law) and the first couple of months are always a period of transition and acclimation—for all involved. Now, I will say, at an Ivy (where I ve been) there can be an initial pecking order especially for those with Ivyplus undergrad degrees, but that will soon enough fade away. Finally, it’s not undergrad and you should not have any expectations or comparisons to that social community. Folks are all feeling there way through a gamut of emotions that are tethered to the first real step of what could be potentially their life’s work, so some may not be apt to be friendly or social, or even be inclined to be even cordial—but sure enough you will find your people and crowd.

[Sigaba]

In addition to @Boolakanaka's sound guidance, please consider the following.

A geographic transition can be a cultural one as well. Map out (mentally or on a piece of paper)  the members of the cohort who get along. You may see patterns centering around common locations. These commonalities can layer on top of (along side) the Ivy experience.

On top of those differences, you may be an outgoing person in the midst of introverts, in which case, through no fault of your own, you're rubbing people the wrong way just by being yourself. If you think this is happening, try to figure out ways you can "dial down" your traits while also remaining authentic to who you are. The key here is that you're not changing who you are,  you're just adjusting how you do things.

Something else to consider. What ever your field, there's likely an established academic or even a superstar (current, in decline, or even deceased) who has gone through what you're experiencing. See if you can find that person's memoir/autobiography/letters. You may find some very useful tidbits of information on navigating similar experiences. 

An aside. Your statement "I have no doubts about my qualifications or ability to succeed in grad school" may prove problematic down the line. Please understand that graduate school is hard. It is possible that you'll encounter a moment when your abilities are questioned. What then? I think that what I'm trying to suggest is that you start thinking about how you might deal with SHTF moments and such doubts emerge.

[AP]

Following up on @Sigaba's post, I was an outsider so I was (maybe?) mentally prepared to being left out, which doesn't mean it didn't suck. As it turned out, I made friends in older cohorts so I was very quickly invited to "the" parties and events. I also agree with @Boolakanaka's advice: give. it. time. Coming in, I thought I was going to be friends with the other international student (who also was native in my native language). In the end, we ended up not getting along at all. Further, I became great friends with someone from the midwest, so there! 

My advice, in addition to give it time, would be not to force yourself into making friends with your cohort. Expand you horizon to other cohorts or other first-years in other departments. I've said this many times, I think your cohort is first and mostly a professional grouping, if you make friends, that's great. But if you don't, you can always make it elsewhere, where people see you, share your interests, and enjoy your company. 

Good luck! 

[dr. t]

On 8/29/2019 at 1:01 PM, cicero28 said:

I'll have to navigate this weird, kafkaesque social situation for years to come.

One of the many joys the Ivies have to offer, alas. But it's true for some Ivies (and some departments) more than others.

[cicero28]

Thanks for the advice all.

Noticed there's a typo in my original post, I meant to say "my first time outside my part of the country" not "my first time out of the country"

Anyway, I've given it a month and I'm feeling a little better. I don't think I am encountering this because my cohort mates don't like me, it's just general awkwardness. They are very shifty in group convo, talking exuberantly among themselves and evading eye contact with me or talking to me. But they are very eager to engage in convo if I am the one to start it. There are students in the older cohorts that I've had better interactions with. I'm gonna try to talk to them more.