SSHRC Postdoctoral Fellowship 2021-2022

[milara]

1 hour ago, ToopysRevenge said:

@milaraI think it's best to resist the temptation to read into the scoring. There's so many things we don't know with SSHRC - who our competition is, the specialization of those assessing us. As an ABD, I also know I'm competing with folks that have their PhD, perhaps have held another postdoc, and therefore likely have more "output" than me.

However, I will say, my rejection last year put me into a funk about my future in academia. This year, I'm feeling more confident in my capabilities as an academic, so the news isn't hitting as hard.   

I... probably shouldn’t say this, for political reasons, but... the PI at my current postdoc turned out to be a serial abuser. I am the third postdoc to leave her employ for mental health reasons. My self confidence and esteem is completely trashed. So is my ability to trust my own judgment about what is and isn’t good research. It makes it really hard to keep chasing this dream.

[DevsChick]

Reading all of your posts is making me feel a bit better but I'm also just still so confused as to how Committee 5's cut off went from 3.89 one year to 5.04 the next year and also how it's possible that 89 applicants scored between 5.04 and 4.07 (my score). My understanding was that there was supposed to be an even spread of results but it can't be so. 

Congratulations again to those who got it anyway. To everyone, just remember that everybody here has several first-authored publications, scholarships and probably defended their thesis on schedule, so you're among peers. You didn't fail, other people succeeded. 

@milaraI partly wrote this for you. This isn't a you problem, it's a systemic one and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't lose faith in yourself and report the abuse if you can. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by DevsChick

[ToopysRevenge]

16 minutes ago, milara said:

I... probably shouldn’t say this, for political reasons, but... the PI at my current postdoc turned out to be a serial abuser. I am the third postdoc to leave her employ for mental health reasons. My self confidence and esteem is completely trashed. So is my ability to trust my own judgment about what is and isn’t good research. It makes it really hard to keep chasing this dream.

Omgosh, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Can you report this person? Please know that nomatter what your result is, it's not a reflection on your intelligence, skill, and worth. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by ToopysRevenge

[Mariavan]

Hello, it's my first time posting but I've been reading you guys for a couple of weeks. Congrats to the successful applicants!

I just completed my dissertation, defending in two months, and I was anxiously waiting for the post-doc results. I was really disappointed to see how low I scored for Capability. I have extensive work experience in my field in two continents, quite a few university degrees, about 10 publications (many peer-reviewed, plus my own book), more than 20 conference presentations, Mitacs and other non-federal funding for my research, I speak many languages, etc. But I scored really low and there's no score justification accompanying my results. So, I hear you @whytriangles and @milara. The project scored very high (first two criteria) but I scored very low and now I struggle trying to figure out whether I'm not cut for academia after all...

Btw, Committee 6 too. Urban sustainability project.

[milara]

6 minutes ago, ToopysRevenge said:

Omgosh, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Having a trash supervisor is such a nightmare. Can you report this person? Please know that nomatter what your result is, it's not a reflection on your intelligence, skill, and worth. 

For complicated reasons, her primary appointment is at a different university than the one through which I was hired. My institution is acutely aware of it, but all they can do is try to protect her future hires and consider not renewing her courtesy appointment.

 I have received some interviews for both postdocs and faculty positions, but the cPTSD from my experience here in combination with these scores and the fact that my number of publications is on the low side due to struggles with disability throughout my doctoral career... well, it is definitely making me question my path. 
 

Thanks for the supportive response.

[milara]

3 minutes ago, Mariavan said:

Hello, it's my first time posting but I've been reading you guys for a couple of weeks. Congrats to the successful applicants!

I just completed my dissertation, defending in two months, and I was anxiously waiting for the post-doc results. I was really disappointed to see how low I scored for Capability. I have extensive work experience in my field in two continents, quite a few university degrees, about 10 publications (many peer-reviewed, plus my own book), more than 20 conference presentations, Mitacs and other non-federal funding for my research, I speak many languages, etc. But I scored really low and there's no score justification accompanying my results. So, I hear you @whytriangles and @milara. The project scored very high (first two criteria) but I scored very low and now I struggle trying to figure out whether I'm not cut for academia after all...

Btw, Committee 6 too. Urban sustainability project.

Wow. You sound so accomplished!

 I am so sorry that you didn’t get funded. You certainly sound capable to me! Makes me wonder how they really evaluate capability.

[Mariavan]

2 minutes ago, milara said:

Wow. You sound so accomplished!

 I am so sorry that you didn’t get funded. You certainly sound capable to me! Makes me wonder how they really evaluate capability.

Thank you. I'm sorry you didn't get funded either but mostly I'm sorry to hear what you're going through... Take care of yourself.

[milara]

22 minutes ago, DevsChick said:

Reading all of your posts is making me feel a bit better but I'm also just still so confused as to how Committee 5's cut off went from 3.89 one year to 5.04 the next year and also how it's possible that 89 applicants scored between 5.04 and 4.07 (my score). My understanding was that there was supposed to be an even spread of results but it can't be so. 

Congratulations again to those who got it anyway. To everyone, just remember that everybody here has several first-authored publications, scholarships and probably defended their thesis on schedule, so you're among peers. You didn't fail, other people succeeded. 

@milaraI partly wrote this for you. This isn't a you problem, it's a systemic one and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't lose faith in yourself and report the abuse if you can. 

I apparently am not allowed to add any more likes to posts today. 
 

I appreciate the support. If I had not gotten funded but had a respectable score or rank, I think I would be okay. But I scored low and ranked low.

And, as it happens, my publication record is actually a bit weak, in my opinion. My doctoral advisor thought so too. So I can’t really find comfort in that.
 

I thought it was okay because I got this postdoc I have now, and I landed some interviews for assistant professorships. I guess I need to find a faculty member who is willing and able to do a more thorough review of my CV and assess whether I am deluding myself thinking that I can do this.
 

[milara]

8 minutes ago, Mariavan said:

Thank you. I'm sorry you didn't get funded either but mostly I'm sorry to hear what you're going through... Take care of yourself.

Yeah... if I did get this fellowship, I would have traded it in a second to erase the damage done to my mental health. But, if wishes were fishes, we would all have sushi and it would be delicious. Thank you for the empathy.

[ToopysRevenge]

5 minutes ago, milara said:

I landed some interviews for assistant professorships.

Congrats! It's so hard to find teaching positions nowadays. To me, this definitely shows your brilliance!

[Peterino]

I though I would share this: I teamed up with a colleague of mine (same doctoral program) to prepare our postdoc applications. We reviewed each other's application in some detail. I thought hers was better than mine, plus she finished her PhD faster than I did. Publications were roughly equivalent. Same committee, obviously. I got funded, she didn't. I was convinced it was going to be the other way around.

[milara]

Just now, ToopysRevenge said:

Congrats! It's so hard to find teaching positions nowadays. To me, this definitely shows your brilliance!

They were all research positions, and I didn’t make it past the first interviews, but yeah. I guess intellectually I can recognize that as a good sign, but... part of emotional abuse is repeated gaslighting that makes it hard to believe the evidence of your own eyes. I find that I now need to rely on others (such as my brilliant and amazing nesting partner who I love deeply) because I have no trust in my own judgment.

Just a general recommendation, folks... never underestimate how damaging emotional abuse can be. I thought the tools that have seen me through depression and anxiety would allow me to handle this, and I was wrong. I stayed way longer than I should have because I loved the research, I was invested in the project, and I felt the research was societally important. I also thought I could protect more vulnerable people (such as the undergraduates). I was wrong on all counts.

Anyway, I don’t want to turn this thread into the support milara thread. I really do appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I also am interested in talking to anyone else who has suffered emotional abuse in academia, because if I ever do achieve some measure of success in academia, I hope to form some sort of advocacy/awareness organization to address the systemic ways in which academia allows this sort of thing to happen. We have a missing stair problem. So if you know anyone, and they are interested, feel free to message me.

[Mariavan]

6 minutes ago, Peterino said:

I though I would share this: I teamed up with a colleague of mine (same doctoral program) to prepare our postdoc applications. We reviewed each other's application in some detail. I thought hers was better than mine, plus she finished her PhD faster than I did. Publications were roughly equivalent. Same committee, obviously. I got funded, she didn't. I was convinced it was going to be the other way around.

Wow... I'm really sorry.

I wonder if we're going to get any comments, feedback or justification of scores...

[milara]

6 minutes ago, Mariavan said:

Wow... I'm really sorry.

I wonder if we're going to get any comments, feedback or justification of scores...

I think I read somewhere that they do not. But I could be wrong.

[milara]

16 minutes ago, Peterino said:

I though I would share this: I teamed up with a colleague of mine (same doctoral program) to prepare our postdoc applications. We reviewed each other's application in some detail. I thought hers was better than mine, plus she finished her PhD faster than I did. Publications were roughly equivalent. Same committee, obviously. I got funded, she didn't. I was convinced it was going to be the other way around.

I am so sorry for her. I hope it doesn’t make things awkward between you, and she finds some other equally awesome opportunity!

[Peterino]

33 minutes ago, milara said:

I am so sorry for her. I hope it doesn’t make things awkward between you, and she finds some other equally awesome opportunity!

Fortunately we're good! 

[NoMoreABD]

So I didn't get it (committee 6). Onward to other things I guess (if I can find any...). Good luck everyone! It was nice waiting around with you.

Who knows, maybe I'll be here next year.

Cheers.

[milara]

Hey, for those of us who didn’t get funded, is there any interest in a new thread/post (or maybe even a Discord server or Slack channel) focused on academic job searching? I was just thinking to share places that are good for searching for postdocs and early career faculty positions, but if there are other things people want to share, we could discuss what other information to share there as well.

[Revfem]

5 hours ago, milara said:

Hey, for those of us who didn’t get funded, is there any interest in a new thread/post (or maybe even a Discord server or Slack channel) focused on academic job searching? I was just thinking to share places that are good for searching for postdocs and early career faculty positions, but if there are other things people want to share, we could discuss what other information to share there as well.

I’d be interested. I’m probably going to keep one foot in the academic job market for a year or two. 

[DevsChick]

5 hours ago, milara said:

Hey, for those of us who didn’t get funded, is there any interest in a new thread/post (or maybe even a Discord server or Slack channel) focused on academic job searching? I was just thinking to share places that are good for searching for postdocs and early career faculty positions, but if there are other things people want to share, we could discuss what other information to share there as well.

This is sounding more positive than yesterday, which is great news! I could also potentially be interested. I'm securely sitting on the fence between being an academic and a practitioner and I'd really like to get down now. It turns out that fences are not comfortable places to sit. 

[loless]

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would share information from Committee 3 - results of which were uploaded for me this morning.

Applications: 119

Fellowships Offered: 24 (20.2%)

Fellowships Not Offered: 95 (79.8%)

Score of last funded application: 5.06

Similar to others, my score was significantly higher this year but I was not offered funding. In fact, my score last year placed me in the middle of the pack, whilst this year an improved score lands me somewhere in the lower quartile. Slight disappointment given it is my second year, but I was also preparing for the worst.

Something that has softened the blow for me has been reading the posts here and seeing a lot of accomplished people go through similar things. Congratulations to those who were offered funding. And for those that did not, keep your spirits up and options open.

[meowzers.]

6 hours ago, milara said:

Hey, for those of us who didn’t get funded, is there any interest in a new thread/post (or maybe even a Discord server or Slack channel) focused on academic job searching? I was just thinking to share places that are good for searching for postdocs and early career faculty positions, but if there are other things people want to share, we could discuss what other information to share there as well.

I would be interested.

[Mrazy]

16 hours ago, milara said:

I... probably shouldn’t say this, for political reasons, but... the PI at my current postdoc turned out to be a serial abuser. I am the third postdoc to leave her employ for mental health reasons. My self confidence and esteem is completely trashed. So is my ability to trust my own judgment about what is and isn’t good research. It makes it really hard to keep chasing this dream.

I am so sorry this happened. I agree with the others on here - if you can, you should report her. And know that you're more than your work, and more than the bad things you've experienced. I've read every post on this thread, and you stood out as a very articulate, engaged, and interesting individual. If you stay in academia or look elsewhere, you will help people and make a difference. 

[Mrazy]

I woke up to my results this morning. I didn't get the funding. Here are the statistics for 2B:

Challenge (20%): 4.64/6
Feasibility (30%): 4.24/6
Capability (50%): 5.03/6 
Total score: 4.72/6  Rank: 28/69

Applications: 69 Fellowships offered: 12 (20.3%) Fellowships not offered: 55 (79.7%) Score of last funded application: 5.02 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Mrazy

[milara]

4 minutes ago, Mrazy said:

I am so sorry this happened. I agree with the others on here - if you can, you should report her. And know that you're more than your work, and more than the bad things you've experienced. I've read every post on this thread, and you stood out as a very articulate, engaged, and interesting individual. If you stay in academia or look elsewhere, you will help people and make a difference. 

I'm a bit of an emotional mess right now, but thanks. This was such a sweet reply, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you to you, and to everyone else who has been supportive. It helps restore my faith in humanity.