philo_gal Posted July 1, 2010 Share Posted July 1, 2010 I was offered acceptance and 5 years of funding at a philosophy program. I accepted it by April 15th, but now I am doubting whether or not the program, not to mention graduate school itself, is right for me. I have another job option available. Does anyone have experience with backing out of commitments? What are the consequences? Is this just an incredible pain in the butt for the department? Is July 1st too late to offer my spot to an alternate? I want to do the right thing here, but I would also hate to be stuck in a program for a whole year when my heart isn't in it. Please help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustChill Posted July 1, 2010 Share Posted July 1, 2010 Did you already sign all the paperwork and give it to the department? If this is a funded offer, especially for a PhD, it might be pretty difficult. I've heard that there can potentially be legal consequences, since this is in essence a legal contract that you're breaking, but my gut tells me that few schools in the US would go to that length to keep a grad student. I suppose you could ask an administrator or a current student in the department about this, but you should realize that this is widely considered to be "burning bridges" with your faculty advisors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
American in Beijing Posted July 1, 2010 Share Posted July 1, 2010 (edited) It's normal to doubt yourself before a major life change. I myself keep switching back and forth between euphoria and complete panic. Last month was panic month, where I seriously doubted whether I can handle it. This month I'm very much excited, bouncing off the walls and reviewing all my undergrad work so I can be prepared for grad school. In another week or so, you might have the same drastic change I had. Honestly, I would at least try it out and see. It's not like you're spending any money to do this. You've worked so hard to get in, why not at least try it for a semester? Once you enter, you can drop out whenever you want. Why risk burning bridges when you don't have to? Who knows! You might find that you love it! Edited July 1, 2010 by American in Beijing Mr. David Jay 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hubris Posted July 1, 2010 Share Posted July 1, 2010 Doubt is normal, but roughly 50% of those in a generic PhD program will not finish for various reasons. While there is a good faith involved in accepting I would not worry about vague legalities if it seems like a no go (fwiw the few letters I have read only place a gpa constraint on the grad student). You have a bit more time to think it over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hubris Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 So still a doubting "philo gal"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo_gal Posted July 7, 2010 Author Share Posted July 7, 2010 So still a doubting "philo gal"? Hey Hubris, and thanks everyone for the replies. I decided to do the year. Since I'm on the fence, it makes sense to just try it out. I will be giving up a lot of things (long-term boyfriend, desired location, money, time for music practice, a desire to pursue social work), but if I don't give it a shot I'll regret it down the line. I would also hate to burn bridges with some of the top academics in my field of interest. Thanks all for your help. It's nice to be reassured that doubt is a natural human quality. On a side note, has anyone else given up serious relationships for school? If so, how did you feel about it later? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matcha Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 (edited) On a side note, has anyone else given up serious relationships for school? If so, how did you feel about it later? Hey philo gal, I'm doing the same thing. My boyfriend of 3 years is about to start a year-long overseas business contract and I'm off to grad school. It has been tearing me up something awful, but I know deep down that it will be worth it all in the end- we both get a chance to grow as individuals and come back together stronger. I know logically that it will help re-affirm that we are meant to be, but somehow my heart isn't buying it... Oh well, we will survive and become stronger in the end. Edited July 8, 2010 by matcha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkey's neck Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Wise choice... even if to eventually let it go, definitively better to actually know in depth what you will be losing (or not) =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zouzax Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) I actually did the opposite- I stayed somewhere because I was in a long-term relationship. About 7 years ago, I received an offer to study in Paris for a year. At the time, I was in a long-term relationship with my then-boyfriend. I decided to turn down the offer and stay with him. We have since broken up. Can I tell you, I STILL regret the decision I made not to go. If a relationship is worth it, and if it's meant to be, it'll work out in the end .... trust me. Edited January 11, 2011 by Zouzax Bukharan and NadaJ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gunlesswonder Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 On a side note, has anyone else given up serious relationships for school? If so, how did you feel about it later? I've done both, and my thought on it is unless there are kids involved, or you are actively planning to get married (not knocking ltr at all, but there is a diff between being in a ltr, and being in a ltr as well as being engaged) or the SO is willing to make some huge considerations and sacrifices to make sure that you are being fulfilled, it's better to chose in favor of yourself. I turned down an amazing opportunity to be with my ltr of over 5 years, and we broke up less than a year later. And you bet I regret giving up that offer! Flash forward, I'm in a different relationship, get an offer to work and study in the ME and took it, it was a really hard 3 years, but the relationship made it and now we are about to get married and have great jobs in the same city. Make yourself happy. You only have so many chances to set yourself up to be in the career and job that you want! Best of luck! Bukharan and NadaJ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheshirequeen Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) I actually did the opposite- I stayed somewhere because I was in a long-term relationship. About 7 years ago, I received an offer to study in Paris for a year. At the time, I was in a long-term relationship with my then-boyfriend. I decided to turn down the offer and stay with him. We have since broken up. Can I tell you, I STILL regret the decision I made not to go. If a relationship is worth it, and if it's meant to be, it'll work out in the end .... trust me. That's how I'd feel, too. I'm in a long term relationship right now, but I know that I'd go to grad school in a heartbeat rather than turn it down for the sake of staying with him--not only because I've always been focused on my future, but also I feel like if I gave up something that important to me in order to stay with him, it would end up with me resenting him (unfairly) for making me stay. I agree with your last statement too--that if a relationship is truly meant to be, that it'll work out in the end. Long distance relationships almost never work, but when it's meant to be, they do... Edited January 22, 2011 by cheshirequeen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
green8715 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I have been in a ltr going on 4 years and the majority of the programs I applied to are out-of-state, one even across the country. One thing that has helped me through the process is realizing that I have spent more than 4 years trying to figure out what PhD program would be best for me (through various research labs, internships, etc.). I know I would regret turning down any acceptance and I would probably just become bitter and resentful. I would rather deal with some heartache while in a doctoral program as opposed to being at the same job I've been at for 3 years and harboring resentful feelings towards my sig other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aristotle11 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I have been in a ltr going on 4 years and the majority of the programs I applied to are out-of-state, one even across the country. One thing that has helped me through the process is realizing that I have spent more than 4 years trying to figure out what PhD program would be best for me (through various research labs, internships, etc.). I know I would regret turning down any acceptance and I would probably just become bitter and resentful. I would rather deal with some heartache while in a doctoral program as opposed to being at the same job I've been at for 3 years and harboring resentful feelings towards my sig other. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Me and my SO have discussed this a lot, obviously, and both he and I feel like it's probable the resentment would kill anything we did have. The real sticker for us has been whether or not it makes sense to stay in touch. So far we are leaning towards yes, but it does worry me. Anyone have any experience with trying it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookd2 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Me and my SO have discussed this a lot, obviously, and both he and I feel like it's probable the resentment would kill anything we did have. The real sticker for us has been whether or not it makes sense to stay in touch. So far we are leaning towards yes, but it does worry me. Anyone have any experience with trying it? FWIW, I just recently went to school abroad and left my girlfriend of two years back in the states. I guess it's a combination of a few things, but I strongly regret the decision I made. I've done a lot of thinking on the subject, and here's what I've concluded: Think about it. There are two main things in life that will inherently make you happy - your significant other, and your job. There is nothing else in the world that I can think of that dictates your "happiness level" more than those two things. So before you decide to go to another country like I did, sit down and REALLY, I mean REALLY evaluate the program you're signing up for. Be that kid that the administrators hate because you're sending them 5 emails a day asking different questions about the program. Make sure that you know for sure that you will achieve your learning objective within the program you have signed up for. I, unfortunately, did not do this extensive homework and just went on what other people had to say about the program. I came here knowing embarrassingly little about what the program was all about. My reasoning was more or less "I know I'll learn something, and if not at least I'll gain the international experience." Flash forward 6 months, and I hate it here. Me and my girlfriend are still together and I'll likely be transferring back to the states after a year to finish my Masters there. So, to the contrary of what everyone else has said here: Yes, if you give up that one job/program offer for a SO that you can live without - you'll resent it for the rest of your life. But, if you give up that one special SO for a job/program that ends up not benefiting you much more than a program that is closer to home, you'll regret that as well. SO! think about which one you're more in love with: the program (and future jobs), or your SO vitaminquartet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reinventing Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 So, to the contrary of what everyone else has said here: Yes, if you give up that one job/program offer for a SO that you can live without - you'll resent it for the rest of your life. But, if you give up that one special SO for a job/program that ends up not benefiting you much more than a program that is closer to home, you'll regret that as well. SO! think about which one you're more in love with: the program (and future jobs), or your SO To add another wrinkle, I gave up an offer for an SO that I couldn't live without. I was definitely more in love with the SO. But SO did not love me as much. We were married, so I did have some expectations that SO and I were in this for the long haul. I turned down the offer, and he told me he wanted out 2 months later. Turns out he knew he was going to do this months before. Major stinker. A blanket statement, but I'll say it anyway: If you're in your 20s, be as realistic as you can about your relationship, and try to get your SO to do that as well--relationships and people change a lot during this stage of life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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