Social ineptness & networking.

[gallifrey]

Hello, all.

Undergraduate student here interested in going to grad school. To cut to the chase, I simply don't know how to network or even how to approach professors to ask for LORs or possible research positions. I mean, all right, I understand theoretically how to go about it: Shoot off an email to a professor/potential research adviser introducting myself and saying I'm interested in what he/she is doing, would you like to meet up with me sometime to discuss [iNSERT TOPIC HERE], prepare a few questions, are you willing to take on an undergrad as a research assistant, so on and so forth, yadda yadda ...

Unfortunately, my brain likes to balk every time I feel like I'm just about ready to inquire after these positions. Oh, what if the professor says no? What if he/she's busy and gets annoyed? What if I sound like an idiot? What if I run out of questions to ask? Think about the awkward silences ... you know, the usual. I completely freeze up and tell myself that, hey, maybe I can email them next week! There's no hurry to it, right? (All of this exacerbated by the fact that all the people I have emailed re: research and help with the grad school admissions process have not returned my emails. I know it's nothing personal, but still it's a bit of a blow to the ego.)

Needless to say, this is a bit of a problem. I need to start working on it, and quickly.

Most of it, I believe, boils down to the fact that I simply don't know how to interact with authority figures. I mean, I do well in class, but that's about it. I don't go to office hours - it's not that I don't have questions; it's that I feel my questions are better directed to the TAs (after all, that's what they're there for), and I don't want to waste a professor's time with trivial questions that I can most likely figure out on my own by doing some digging on the internet - and I just ... I don't know. I'm soft-spoken, shy, reserved, and generally awkward with people I don't know well. It's bad enough with simple strangers (even those I consider my peers); it's even worse with people with big names in my field. I'm so afraid of making a bad impression that I settle for making no impression at all.

I am absolutely abysmal with making small talk. Sometimes it's like watching a train slowly dive off a cliff into the Grand Canyon. (Lots of echoing going on with me repeating what the other person says!) Again, intellectually, I know how to make small talk, but it just doesn't work for me. I'm not sure why.

I suppose at this point I should probably pick up Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People." Other than that ... any other advice/support will be very much appreciated. Thanks.

tl;dr - I don't communicate well with others and especially professors. How can I possibly go about fixing this?

[waddle]

gallifrey,

First, take a deep breath. And another. Okay, now I've been in your position before. I was absolutely mortified by the thought of having to ask around for research positions, and kept hanging onto this crazy idea that somehow, a good research opportunity would come find me. Heh. Doesn't work like that. I finally got a research position at my home campus in my junior year.

You haven't told us what field you're in, what year you are in or what type of school you go to (though my impression is that you attend Big Research U.), but I can certainly help (especially if you're in one of the STEM fields). Draft an email to a professor whose work you're interested in, and post (or PM me if you don't feel comfortable posting). Redact the identifying information. If you want to do this, do it by Monday the 10^th. I can revise it and have it back to you pretty quickly (I should be on every so The GradCafe every day or so, and I've done this for some of my friends, too--you're not alone). Look it over, make any neccessary changes, and then squeeze your eyes shut and click that send button. Repeat for every email you want to send.

Don't be turned off by professors who don't respond or who don't have any openings. Sometimes, they're busy, and if they don't have any openings, thank them and move on. I did this a few times. It's really hard the first time you do it, and you'll feel crappy. But be honest with yourself; if there's no position for you, it's not your fault. Just keep searching; it gets easier and easier. Better yet, ask the professor to suggest others with whom you might work. Try to see your professors as just another human who likely has a spouse & kids, not some towering authority figure that eats undergrads for lunch and regurgitates cutting-edge research. Also, undergrads aren't expected to be knowledgeable about a specific research area. That's what grad school is for. Just be enthusiastic about learning, and you'll be just fine.

waddle

Edited January 6, 2011 by waddle

[TheDude]

I will take a different approach with my response. For most everyone this isn't just a feeling you get in academic settings.

I can totally sympathize with you. I was crippled by social anxiety for quite sometime. It is still something I grapple with on a weekly basis. However, what I found worked best for me was just experience. When I go everywhere I walk with my head up and take notice of other people. How do they look at other people? What to they look at? What kind of mood do they look like they are in? I'm just constantly making observations. Why? Observations are conversational points you can use for small talk.

Every time you go out is an opportunity to work on this. I am personally not big on cognitive reappraisal, and the whole just tell yourself positive things. However, I do realize when the monkey chatter in my head arises, and am cognizant of the fact that it needs to be silenced. I mean it though, this is not something that you just fix in academic settings. You need to take a holistic approach. When you are grocery shopping talk to the checkout person. Sure, sometimes you won't want to or you won't know what to say... or you might even think what is the point? However, just make a comment on something you are buying. Ask how there day is going.

Do this everywhere and start small. Maybe just getting to that point is a big deal initially? If it is then work towards keeping a few exchanges going.

Watch people who are real sociable. I was always surprised by these people. They walk in a room and can hold everyone's attention with ease. Often times I'd be baffled by the seemingly insignificance of what they were talking about. But that is by in large what small talk is. It's hard to make friends or meet significant others if all you can do is ramble about nuclear particle physics or whatever.

As far as people in authority positions. They are no different than you in most aspects.

Being sociable is a very powerful tool.

Edited January 6, 2011 by musicforfun

[natsteel]

My undergrad university is huge but not the kind of huge where we have big lecture sections in which you don't get any face time with the professor. So, here it was just a matter of going to office hours and talking with professors. You don't necessarily have to be in a professor's class to use their office hours. After a little while, I just mentioned to them that if they were working on anything and needed some "grunt work" done that I was available.

That approach helped get me RA positions for all three of my mentors, one of them a recurring gig, and I'm one of the most socially inept persons you will ever meet. I just sucked it up because I knew it was something I had to do. The more comfortable I got talking with them also helped me deal with other faculty, administrators, etc. in an academic setting. If you want to go to graduate school, you cannot get out of learning how to deal with people like this. I'm still very reticent when meeting or talking to people that I don't know, but it's better than it was and it's getting better.

I am now getting ready for the ultimate test... an informal interview with a prospective advisor from a top 5 program in less than a week. I got an introduction from one of my mentors but I still have to go meet the prof. and not look like a totally inept, incoherent idiot. <fingers crossed>

Believe me, if I can do it, so can you...

[UnlikelyGrad]

Watch people who are real sociable. I was always surprised by these people. They walk in a room and can hold everyone's attention with ease.

I agree. This is how I got as good as I am at networking (which, granted, is not terrific...but I am at least average now, instead of painfully shy).

One thing that really helped me was doing volunteer work. Although most of the work was stuff I loved, every now and then our group of workers had to go and "recruit" and community fairs. We had some awesome networkers in our group (Rotary Club president, etc.) so I watched them work, looked for behavioral patterns, and imitated them. By the end of my time there, I was able to recruit as many people as they did.

As far as people in authority positions. They are no different than you in most aspects.

Yes. Play a game: by listening to a lecture, can you find anything you have in common with your professor? Very few people lecture without dropping in some personal details now and then. Even if you don't have something in common, think about these personal details and think about how you can use them to make a connection with the prof. "I notice that you like to use baseball analogies. I like baseball too. Do you have a favorite team?"

My best connections have been made by finding something that the other person has in common with me.

[gallifrey]

Thank you for your support and advice, everyone. I actually went out and tried to be more sociable today. Made acquaintances with someone in my major and subfield. (Lucky of me to have met her, considering we might be the only two undergrads studying in said subfield.) Nearly had a bit of a heart attack when I went up and asked the professor a question after class - complete with me stuttering and tripping over my words, as per usual - but I made it through somehow. At least he knows my name now?

@ waddle: I am not a STEM major, but nevertheless, I will take you up on that offer. I haven't actually met the professor I'm interested in researching under - this makes it a little easier for me, since my writing skills >>> my people skills - and I'm still sorting my way through the professor's articles, but look for a PM on Monday. (Deadlines at the very least give me something to work towards, and if not now, then never, most probably.) Thank you for your encouragement.

On that note, is it considered to be more polite to ask after a research position in the email itself or in person? If the latter, how would I bring it up in the conversation without seeming like I'm just there for my own personal gain? (Well, I am, but that's not the sole reason I'm there?) I understand that some professors expect this and will actually offer students a lab/research job without being pressed, but I'm sure that this will probably not happen in this case.

@ natsteel: I worry about going to office hours because I always feel like I'd be wasting the professor's time, though in retrospect, they probably expect questions during office hours. I should probably just stop thinking so much about how I may be perceived and go for the throat.

In any case, good luck with your interview. I hope you do well! (Ironically enough, I seem to do well in interviews despite my inability to sometimes form coherent sentences. My shyness apparently comes off as more endearing than awkward at times - I think it has to do with the fact that I look like a 15-year old boy trying to act like a professional - but I figure one of these days it's just not going to work for me. Gotta work on those social skills now.)

Again, thank you, everyone.

[waddle]

Thank you for your support and advice, everyone. I actually went out and tried to be more sociable today. Made acquaintances with someone in my major and subfield. (Lucky of me to have met her, considering we might be the only two undergrads studying in said subfield.) Nearly had a bit of a heart attack when I went up and asked the professor a question after class - complete with me stuttering and tripping over my words, as per usual - but I made it through somehow. At least he knows my name now?

Yay!

I haven't actually met the professor I'm interested in researching under - this makes it a little easier for me, since my writing skills >>> my people skills - and I'm still sorting my way through the professor's articles, but look for a PM on Monday. (Deadlines at the very least give me something to work towards, and if not now, then never, most probably.)

When I got my current research position, I emailed the professor cold (wasn't even in the same department/major). For reference for the future, here was the email I sent (I'm from a no-name state school, though, so I'm expecting that the expectations are slightly different). It's certainly not a masterpiece, but it serves the purpose--and that's really all that matters.

Dear Dr. Gerbil,**

My name is waddle, and I am a third-year undergraduate student majoring in tomatoes at Anthill. During my previous core science classes, I have become interested in pursuing research on campus. While I would love to do research in any area, one field by which I am intrigued is that of BUZZWORD [something you might find as an upper-division course title]--possibly [mention in approximately 10-15 words a brief idea or thrust of the person's research].

I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to share regarding research opportunities and current scientific understanding in SUBFIELD or related areas. Please let me know if we could set up a time to discuss this in the upcoming weeks.

Thank you very much,

waddle

Then you go meet with the professor. Bring your CV. Most won't look at it, but some professors will.

On that note, is it considered to be more polite to ask after a research position in the email itself or in person? If the latter, how would I bring it up in the conversation without seeming like I'm just there for my own personal gain? (Well, I am, but that's not the sole reason I'm there?) I understand that some professors expect this and will actually offer students a lab/research job without being pressed, but I'm sure that this will probably not happen in this case.

I would inquire about the research first, and ask about the position later. They will expect that if you are interested in their research (and that they spend the time to meet with you), that you actually want to do research with them. Most professors will--sometime in the conversation--bring this up. If they don't, then just ask if they have any opportunities for undergraduate research. In those words. If they say no, ask if they can recommend another professor who might have opportunities. Usually professors like to have students be interested in their research.

*for an explanation, see the " thread.

Edited January 7, 2011 by waddle

[timuralp]

Thank you for your support and advice, everyone. I actually went out and tried to be more sociable today. Made acquaintances with someone in my major and subfield. (Lucky of me to have met her, considering we might be the only two undergrads studying in said subfield.) Nearly had a bit of a heart attack when I went up and asked the professor a question after class - complete with me stuttering and tripping over my words, as per usual - but I made it through somehow. At least he knows my name now?

The first research project I got on was because I asked a professor in one of my classes after class what research he was doing right now and that I was looking for a research project. That led to a conversation in his office and a 3 year project. Professors LOVE to talk to about their research. If you have a professor, whose work you like and whose class you're taking, you could even go and ask the question during office hours (assuming it's not mobbed - I would bet it won't be, especially in the beginning of the semester). Another professor I emailed something along the lines of: "I'm a [insert year] student majoring in awesome. I have looked at the recent projects you have done in this area and am very interested in it. I was hoping to meet with you at some point to talk about working with you on this topic." I've found that thinking about doing these things was a lot harder than actually doing them and after you send a few emails and get some responses, you'll realize it's not so hard.

In my experience, every time I worked with anyone I was put on a "trial" period, because faculty does not trust undergrads (for good reason). After that period, you might even get paid, which would be way more awesome than credits. If you need credits, you'll find out you can have as many as you want. If some faculty tell you they don't work with undergrads or don't have time, don't take it to heart. Good luck.

[franks98]

Here's something I did that ended up working real well: I kept receiving emails from the grants office about an upcoming deadline for student/faculty collaborative grants. I didn't think a whole lot about it as I always assumed it wasn't folks like me that got these types of awards (which many think and which dwindles the field making it likely that it is you or me that get these awards). Finally, I thought, "eff it." I want this $3000 and I want the experience of designing my own project. I approached a faculty member who I had taken classes with, was friendly, and who was possibly open to mentoring the project. At first, the professor was hesitant and didn't seem to excited. He sent me an email, though, and scheduled a meeting with me to talk about the grant or other research possibilities the following week. I took that week and I wrote a proposal. I spent hours on it day and night -- completed a lit review, and designed a whole experiment to test a hypothesis. I made sure to incorporate the issues I am most interested in with the issues that my professor was most interested in (because in reality, our research interests differ). I sent out emails to the famous professors in the field who had studied some of the topics extensively and they were very happy to offer some advice on the direction of the study. I emailed the proposal to my professor the night before the meeting and forwarded some of the emails from some of the experts in the field. When I met with my professor, he was excited about the project and became fully supportive of it. We polished up the proposal, submitted it, and ended up getting the cash! This was an awesome experience and it has provided me a great LOR, continued research, a (hopefully) upcoming paper in which I'll be first author, and hopefully admittance to grad school.

So, the point? I took advantage of an opportunity offered at my smallish third-tier state university, worked my ass off, and --- this is key -- made sure that the professor I intended to work with would be as unburdened as possible. I put in a ton of work to make sure that he basically would just have to sign the paper work for the grant (of course, he helped much more than this once he got interested in the project). Since then, we have been having weekly meetings in which we discuss the project and psychology in general for hours. It's been an awesome experience. I am not a social butterfly by any means, but nor do I see myself as socially awkward. I think my drive to do cool research inhibited any nervousness I had about doing this. My thinking was, "the worse that will happen is that he won't be interested in this project and I'll figure it out from there."

I think one of the ways to build a basic rapport is simply asking questions in class. At my university, my fellow classmates are, for the most part, a bit uninspiring. The faculty seem to get frustrated that students don't ask questions, don't get involved in discussions, and then receive mediocre grades on exams and projects. By being engaged and doing well in class, professors learn your name very quickly and become very open to working with you. It does take effort -- especially if you're not very extroverted -- but I think after some positive experiences, it becomes learned behavior that snowballs into many other interactions with other faculty which opens up the door to other research experiences. Best o' luck!

Edited January 16, 2011 by franks98

[nuclear_engineer]

I am EXACTLY the same way. I struggle with feeling anxious about social interactions on a daily basis.

I rarely talk to my coworkers or peers I don't know well unless they start the conversation. It's even bad to the point where I feel uncomfortable saying Hi to someone when I pass them by in the hall! I absolutely DREAD calling people, and much prefer communication via email where I can perfect my message. I swear there is some mental block between what I am thinking and what comes out of my mouth!

But what I have learned is that sometimes you just have to go for it. For example, a couple months ago I had to ask my manager and a couple of professors from my old schools for recommendations. I just took deep breaths, gathered my thoughts and went for it each time, whether it was in person or on the phone.

The hardest meeting for me was with a distinguished professor at a school I am applying for to ask about potential research projects! I was sweating bullets through out the whole meeting, but managed to keep a nice coherent conversation going.

Anyway, I don't think this is something that can be easily overcome, but I think if you just keep going at it, it will get better with time!

[ZeChocMoose]

Lots of great advice on here. I just wanted to add another perspective on the importance of learning how to network well and have social skills-- or at least fake it! I am sure you have heard the saying "it is not what you know, it is who you know" and in my experience that is true to some extent. I have seen how great networking has given people jobs, promotions, and entrance into graduate school. I would also say it is extremely helpful to learn these skills because when you attend academic conferences you'll be able to chit chat with attendees and expand your academic/professional network. Also, you may find people with similar research interests that could be future collaborators on research projects. It is great to hear that you are working on this now, OP, as it will be beneficial to your career.

[singlecell]

My answer on how to get a research position is a little different than the advice above, which I think is good nonetheless. Basically, it entails giving 100% effort and attention to detail in everything you do, be willing to 'pay your dues,' and hope that it gets noticed. I obtained my undergraduate research position when I worked for the department's lab prep staff, a job that is like a stepping stone for getting a more serious lab job if you play your cards right. I had to prepare lab materials for all of the biology department's labs and interact with the professors whenever they needed something on the fly. It was a great way to get acquainted with Professors and most importantly let them know who I was. My current mentor noticed that I did a good job preparing microbiology media for her course and complimented me saying that if I could meet her expectations in that capacity, she thought I would be a good addition to her lab group.

I mention this to point out you don't need to rely on social graces or 'cold-calling' Professors by email to get involved in research. But these things can't hurt!

Edited January 22, 2011 by singlecell

[ZeChocMoose]

Basically, it entails giving 100% effort and attention to detail in everything you do, be willing to 'pay your dues,' and hope that it gets noticed.

I agree with everything except the hoping to get noticed part. I have not seen many people have great luck with this strategy and you run the risk of becoming bitter because you may feel like you have been taken advantage of i.e. Does X know how much I am doing for them? Why doesn't X ask me to be _______________________ fill in the blank (research ass't, specific position, etc)

I would do great work and then after a reasonable period ask the faculty member. They might not be able to grant your request, but in my experience it pays to be proactive.

[arkel]

Your story sounds quite familiar to me, because I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. I really wanted to get research experience, but I'm pretty awkward, and was terrified of engaging my professors in any conversations, and even more terrified of asking them about research positions.

For me, the solution was taking courses that had a research component included. If you have this option at your university, I would definitely recommend it! In the second half of my third year, I took a research practicum course, and I was automatically placed in a lab. Although my first interactions with the PI were VERY awkward, I was already in the lab, so I had the opportunity to show that I was dedicated and hard-working, and eventually things became less awkward. The same thing happened when I had to choose an advisor for my honours thesis... I initially approached him because I ultimately had to find an advisor. At our first meeting I stuttered and probably made no sense at all, but because I was doing my thesis with him, I had the chance to show my abilities through my work.

If you have the opportunity, I would also recommend taking seminar classes. I was initially afraid to enrol in these, but they turned out to be my favourite courses. They also helped me overcome some of my nervousness around profs because there is a lot more student-faculty interaction.

Even if you don't have these opportunities, it seems like you're on the right track! Your interactions might start out awkwardly, but they will get better, and the more profs you interact with, the more comfortable you will become. I've noticed that some professors are not the most socially adept people themselves, and even if they are, they will probably understand your plight. In general, I think showing genuine enthusiasm for their research is more important than appearing calm and collected when you talk to them. Good Luck - You can do it!

Edited January 24, 2011 by arkel

[singlecell]

I agree with everything except the hoping to get noticed part. I have not seen many people have great luck with this strategy and you run the risk of becoming bitter because you may feel like you have been taken advantage of i.e. Does X know how much I am doing for them? Why doesn't X ask me to be _______________________ fill in the blank (research ass't, specific position, etc)

I would do great work and then after a reasonable period ask the faculty member. They might not be able to grant your request, but in my experience it pays to be proactive.

Good point, it never hurts to be your own advocate.