Rejecting schools is hard!

[cranberry]

I got into my dream school with full funding (visited, absolutely loved it, wonderful fit) so I started to reject my other offers. Maybe I'm a wimp, but I found it kind of heartbreaking. Many of the professors at these schools reached out to me personally and it was difficult having to tell them that I'm going elsewhere. Also, hitting that "send" button on the email or clicking "decline" on the website sent a panic attack and a wave of neurotic fears - what if, in the time it takes to decline my offers and accept the dream school's offer, they decide there's been some horrible mistake and they don't want me anymore? Guess I'd better get on accepting dream school's offer pronto - cold feet isn't as much of an option anymore.

[newms]

May I suggest this template for your email rejection?

While I assure you that your offer of admission was seriously considered, I received multiple offers and, as you know, I can only accept one. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that I have decided to go elsewhere. I have been accepted by many well qualified institutions and my decision was not made solely on program rankings but also on which schools would best benefit from my presence. I know this decision must be hard for you to accept, but I wish you every success in finding similar well qualified students so that your program can survive. I have chosen to communicate my decision by email on the assumption that the timely notification by this informal means would be appreciated. I would be happy to provide you with a formal letter upon request.

Just kidding In all seriousness, I know that feeling as I'm talking and meeting with potential advisors at the schools I've been admitted to, I know it's going to be hard to turn down offers, because each one is like a dream come true (at least for me). Just remember though that we're not indispensable to them. They'll find another student and their program will be fine. Just send them a simple email thanking them for their offer and explaining that you've chosen to go to another school.

Edited March 8, 2011 by newms

[starmaker]

It's not just you. When I was applying to MS programs, I got into both of the ones that I applied to. One of them was the school where I'd been doing my post-bac work. I chose to go to the other one, which is a little higher-ranked, and, more importantly, better set up for students who work during the day. But the professors at the post-bac school had been good to me, even though the school bureaucracy hadn't.

I cried when I clicked the "decline" button for the post-bac school, because I felt so bad about turning them down. I felt like a horrible person. I felt even worse when I got a note from one of the post-bac profs, who had been one of my recommenders, asking about my MS plans, and I had to tell her that I wasn't going there, especially since she sent a sad reply. On the plus side, when I explained my reasons, it prompted her to push the department to offer more evening classes and funding for part-timers.

So you're not alone. But, as a number of people told me at the time, you don't need to feel bad. You're making decisions based on what's right for you, and the programs that you turn down will get other good students.

[jmacnomad]

May I suggest this template for your email rejection?

amazing. just amazing. I'm totally using that!

[arkel]

I can totally empathize! I'm going through the same thing right now. I received an offer today, and instead of happiness I felt a sense of dread because I knew I would have to reject them in the end.

In terms of the people and environment, I know I could be happy at all of the places I've visited. All of the POIs have been genuinely nice, and really seemed to care that I choose the school that's best for me... So I guess I can frame my declining letters in terms of research fit. But still....really sad.

On the other hand...it's a really good problem to have, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's better to have too many offers than too few....

@ newms - Thanks - it's definitely good to keep in mind that this happens all the time, and not to presume that an advisor will be "devastated" if I decline their offer.

[crutch]

I'm experiencing the same thing right now, and I have actually dreaded receiving more acceptances as well. I received a few rejections last week and was HAPPY. I've been trying to reply to acceptance emails quickly, so that I don't have to talk to POIs on the phone or what not if they decide to call a few days after emailing. I've got two schools that I still need to turn down right now, and both called me to communicate their decisions. I feel as though I should have the courtesy to actually call them to turn the offers down, but I just really don't like thinking about having to decline them over the phone. It's especially tough since the DGS at one of the schools called me again last night to give me more information about the program. I wasn't expecting the call, so I wasn't really prepared to turn down the offer in a very respectful manner at that point (I hadn't thought much about what to say and I'm awkward on the phone anyways). I also feel like they'll think I'm weird for knowing where I'm going to attend even though I've never actually visited that school (I'll be visiting in early April, but I already know I'll end up going there regardless - I was an idiot and let on to one of the two other schools that I hadn't actually visited there yet). I know, I know, why should I care? They probably won't even think twice about it... but I still hate having to do it!

Edited March 10, 2011 by crutch

[adinutzyc]

One suggestion (though I am not going to follow it, since well, I want to see which schools would accept me anyway): withdraw your applications from schools you know you wouldn't attend anyway that haven't given you a decision yet, since that way you'll have less schools to decline

Edited March 12, 2011 by adinutzyc

[Gullit]

Dont feel bad!

When you are rejected by the schools, they automatically send you that template email without further soliciting, and I dont think they would cry and feel sorry as you are now haha

[Lymrance]

Cranberry, I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels 1) terrible about rejecting good schools and potentially-wonderful advisors and 2) who fears there has been some terrible mistake and the admissions offer will be withdrawn!

I am pretty sure the offers are no mistake though and that we are simply, indeed, being neurotic.

One of the things that was suggested to me by my current (awesome) MA advisor is not to burn any bridges and to keep these faculty members in mind as future peers and friends. In other words, try to turn them into contacts rather than simply sending back generic rejection letters.

I admit, I am still procrastinating writing my rejections as I'm still in the midst of decision -making, but when I do write back I'm going to personalize the letters and in the cases where I am basically rejecting based on the reputation of the school and not on the basis of the faculty-advisor, I'm going to state all of the reasons why I am disappointed not to be getting a chance to work with the person and state my hope that we can meet in person in the future -- e.g. at an upcoming conference.

[stephanopolis]

I don't know if anyone is still on this thread, but I found it SUPER helpful. I rejected some programs last night and accepted my top choice. A couple of rejections were sent in personal e-mails to POI's who had been recruiting me and had been super friendly, eager, and welcoming. I tried to make sure they knew I really hated not being able to work with them. Because I really wish I could go to all of these programs! I am avoiding my inbox like the plague because I feel horrible. Even though I know they won't be nearly as emotional about it as I am... I'm feeling extremely anxious about this all even though my choice is at a top school that is a great match for me. Anyone around who can relate??? (I know this is a good problem to have... I still will feel rotten for a couple of days though)

Edited March 9, 2012 by stephanopolis

[coffeeplease]

I don't know if anyone is still on this thread, but I found it SUPER helpful. I rejected some programs last night and accepted my top choice. A couple of rejections were sent in personal e-mails to POI's who had been recruiting me and had been super friendly, eager, and welcoming. I tried to make sure they knew I really hated not being able to work with them. Because I really wish I could go to all of these programs! I am avoiding my inbox like the plague because I feel horrible. Even though I know they won't be nearly as emotional about it as I am... I'm feeling extremely anxious about this all even though my choice is at a top school that is a great match for me. Anyone around who can relate??? (I know this is a good problem to have... I still will feel rotten for a couple of days though)

This. I just sent out a bunch of emails to POIs at one school, and I basically want to hide from my computer/phone now. I know it's ultimately no big deal to them, but I'm just not good at saying no.

[contretemps]

Hah, I feel you guys. Basically, I accepted the offer from my top choice school and I still haven't rejected a few others. A part of me feels that something will go wrong and I need some back-up schools when that happens.

[rockandroll]

I'm in the same position. I have three wonderful choices (which I elaborate upon in my post "Head vs. Heart," if you would like to help me out!!!) and I literally burst into tears at the thought of rejecting any of them because of how accommodating, sweet, and personally involved people from the program have been. I was expecting the grad school admissions process to make me cry, but not for this reason at all!

[buddy16cat]

Dont feel bad!

When you are rejected by the schools, they automatically send you that template email without further soliciting, and I dont think they would cry and feel sorry as you are now haha

Too funny, colleges use template rejection letters no matter who you are. Treat them with the same consideration. Create one email and send it to all your rejects. Many of us are on the receiving end of these letters and sure would like to send some.