what does your family think?

[spctle342]

This is only my second post after discovering these forums a few days ago. I'm loving it here, especially because I don't really know anyone who's ever attended grad school. No one in my family has set foot in a college or university, and I'll be the first of anyone in my family to graduate. Along those lines, I was curious to hear from others how family members reacted, not to your acceptance (saw a great thread on that) but to your decision to apply for and (presumably) attend graduate school.

My family and friends have been mostly indifferent. Earlier today, during a phone conversation with my mother, I attempted to explain the process... When I mentioned the admissions results timeframe, she asked me to remind her about this again come January, so she can "get on some medication" while I surely lose my mind for a few months.

I'm sure that's just her way of showing support. Anyone else had to contend with criticism, concerns, bizarre questions, strange looks, slaps in the face, slaps on the ass, pats on the back, ill-phrased advice, speculation, indignation, conflagration, reanimation, reaction formation... ? Seriously, I'd love to hear from others hailing from families where support is in short supply.

[Zouzax]

I'm in the same boat -- I'm the first in my family (extended and nuclear) to attend grad school, and neither of my parents (or aunts or uncles for that matter) went to college. After undergrad, I tried my hand in the business world for a few years but I was really unhappy. I felt like I had so much more to learn & that my mind was literally wasting away while I worried about inane things like shipments & accessories & whether a client got a button delivered on time. When I finally mustered up the courage to leave my job & apply for a post-bac program, I didn't tell my parents for 3 months. I didn't know how to break it to them.

When I finally got my acceptance letter I told them I was "leaving my job". They accepted it as the university was highly respected & they could brag to their friends. I think they assumed I would find a "real job" after I finished.

After that program finished I decided that I wanted to go for my Master's, and after that, my Ph.D. I waited a few months to tell my parents this too. My sister is the one who told them, because she knew they would go crazy & she wanted to be entertained. The only way I can describe their reaction is ... pure disappointment. They asked me things like, "What's a Master's? What's a Ph.D? Why do you want a doctorate if you can't even work in a hospital? What do you mean you're going to be in school for another 7 years?... etc etc etc.

My parents still couldn't accept my decision even a year into my Master's program. My mom called me one day and exploded. She said, "You're still a student, you still have no money, you shouldve become a hairdresser like your sister. Look how much money she has!" My father would continually call me and ask incredulously "And what job are you planning on getting after this Ph.D?". The rest of my family would make jokes that I was "delaying the real world" and wanted to be a "lifetime student" like it was a bad thing.

It was honestly very depressing. I doubted myself and my decision for a long time. It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that I need to live for myself, not for others. And thankfully I have a great SO that supports me & encourages me when my family gets me down.

I think everything changed when I started applying for Ph.D programs & writing my thesis. My family finally started to see all the work that goes into it & how difficult it is to be accepted and receive the degree. This past year things have been much better. I knew the tide had finally turned when my little cousin was talking about graduating from undergrad this year. He was unsure of what he should do as a next step. My dad was telling me this story, and afterwards he said, "I told him he should consider grad school". Finally!

[Bookman84]

I am a first generation college graduate. My family is really excited about my admission into Doctoral Programs, and even more so that it is all being paid for. I turned down MA offers from Ivy League universities and that was a little hard for them to understand, even when I had a Ph.D offer on the table. I think they easily equated the debt, even with scholarship, that I'd incur from Harvard to = a nice job right out of school.

When i decided to go with the Ph.D offer they were fine with my choice- not that I needed their approval. They, and myself, feel I'd make an excellent professor since I've been teaching for a very long time. Of course there is the research portion of the job too. However, I've kind of been turned off by how long it takes to become a tenured professor, the post doc/lecture circuit process, the time it takes to get tenure and the fact if you don't get it you are screwed. I'm also not cool with never being able to decide where I want to live, which doesn't seem to be an option if you are going to Professorship. I've tried to explain to them why I've changed my tune on becoming a professor. They still don't get it.

I'm in a new mind-set now. My program requires me to write a thesis before dissertation. I'd love to be a research/program coordinator in conjunction with lecturing at a community college. I'm going to keep that as a goal for the first 2 years. If I continue to fall in love with grad school I will continue the subsequent 3 years to write my dissertation and obtain the Ph.D. If not I check out debt free! My family thinks I'm quitting on grad school already, but I've tried to explain to them the lost income, degree/salary comparison, etc. They still don't get it. They just are too caught up with the fact their son might get a Ph.D., and caught up in the excitement. I've heard over and over, " They are giving you 250,000$ in education over 5 years. Why would you leave?" It's a bit frustrating!

But all I can do is do me!

[KatiePoet]

My first post! Yay! Though I've been lurking.

I get mixed reviews all around. At first everyone's all - yay go Katie you can do it - and then reality sets on. Oh, so that means Katie's moving? And quiting her job? And selling her house? And won't be having children for at least seven more years?!?!

I come from a pretty well educated family (both parental units have masters degrees), but no PhDs. My husband is slightly less than thrilled, though, as it means a cut in our household income, moving away from family, and just uncertainty in general. I'm just hoping everything works out :-) that we can move to a large city with good opportunities for him, too (he's a computer engineer, and I'm a... ahem... poet).

I'm applying for fall 2012, so there are many unknowns at this point, which is makes things hard.

[DrKT]

Welcome Katie.

My experience has been that they just don't understand what all is involved in grad school. My family has always been supportive of higher education. My mom even has a masters degree but no one understands what a dissertation is and all that is involved with it. No one understands the level of stress that's involved. No one understands the competitive environment. No one understands that you can't just walk into any job with a Ph.D. and be hired. Those have been my experiences.

[DrKT]

I am a first generation college graduate. My family is really excited about my admission into Doctoral Programs, and even more so that it is all being paid for. I turned down MA offers from Ivy League universities and that was a little hard for them to understand, even when I had a Ph.D offer on the table. I think they easily equated the debt, even with scholarship, that I'd incur from Harvard to = a nice job right out of school.

When i decided to go with the Ph.D offer they were fine with my choice- not that I needed their approval. They, and myself, feel I'd make an excellent professor since I've been teaching for a very long time. Of course there is the research portion of the job too. However, I've kind of been turned off by how long it takes to become a tenured professor, the post doc/lecture circuit process, the time it takes to get tenure and the fact if you don't get it you are screwed. I'm also not cool with never being able to decide where I want to live, which doesn't seem to be an option if you are going to Professorship. I've tried to explain to them why I've changed my tune on becoming a professor. They still don't get it.

I'm in a new mind-set now. My program requires me to write a thesis before dissertation. I'd love to be a research/program coordinator in conjunction with lecturing at a community college. I'm going to keep that as a goal for the first 2 years. If I continue to fall in love with grad school I will continue the subsequent 3 years to write my dissertation and obtain the Ph.D. If not I check out debt free! My family thinks I'm quitting on grad school already, but I've tried to explain to them the lost income, degree/salary comparison, etc. They still don't get it. They just are too caught up with the fact their son might get a Ph.D., and caught up in the excitement. I've heard over and over, " They are giving you 250,000$ in education over 5 years. Why would you leave?" It's a bit frustrating!

But all I can do is do me!

Same experience, lol.

The real thing that stuck on in my mind was the whole "having to move to wherever the jobs were" thing. They NEVER understood that at all and I've given up explaining. At the end of the day, I chose to go the route where I choose where I live, and I can enjoy my late 20s/early 30s and not have to move to the middle of Siberia for the sake of earning tenure. It's a hard choice to make, others of my classmates made other choices, but I'm content with mine.

[michpc]

Friends: they all know I've been wanting to do this for a while, so everyone was really supportive and super excited when I started getting acceptances.

Family: same as friends. Also, I come from a family where higher education is very important, and many of my relatives have higher degrees. In fact, my mom has two masters degrees, and her brother has a PhD and is a professor at BU medical school. So, up until this point I was kind of feeling like the black sheep of the family .

[MoJingly]

Same here. I love this forum because most of the forumites in here are knowledgeable and helpful

GROUP HUG!

[psych21]

It's a happy story here, with a happy ending.

While my family strongly supports education ("the one thing no one can take away from you is what's in your brain," used to be my dad's mantra while growing up) they think my Ph.D. takes too long and they would have LOVED to see me stop after my masters. But that's not me. I live, breathe, love academia. I have truly found my place in the world, and they can sense that. I don't have to conceal the "nerdy-smart-bookish" part of myself to have friends anymore, like I've had to do everywhere else.

Plus, I'm an international student and it takes me around 24hr and 1500$ (x2... I'm married) to go home. My family and friends (except 2 friends and my sister) would love it if I was living in the suburbs of the capital city in my country, raising my second child (or even the first... as long as I had a mini-me running around) and being a successful practitioner, like I was before coming here. However, I knew it was all temporary and that I'd eventually be a poor grad student again.

Luckily my husband is really supportive and loves it here! (loves his graduate program too) Although I know deep down he might have enjoyed that comfortable life, and I know he's wanted children for a long time now, he knows I would be miserably unhappy without being allowed to do my PhD. He sees how happy and fulfilled I am, he is happy and fulfilled himself, and I couldn't have asked for a happier ending.

Oh... and although my family misses me horribly, Skype helps a lot; so does telling them about scholarships, presentations, publications, and all those academic successes. They can't wait until the book chapter I wrote with a professor is finally printed and they can have "a book that I wrote." They realize I would never have had those opportunities at home, and they are really supportive.

[OleMissRebGoinNorth]

In my case, my parents seem to be really proud. My father got an undergrad degree and mother went back to college in her 40's and got a BA. I'm the first in my family to go beyond undergrad and they seem happy with my choice. I still don't think they understand what pharmacology is, so the explanation of what I'm actually studying can often times be annoying (but understandable).

My friends are a different scenario. Most of the people at Ole Miss (where I did my undergrad) were local Mississippi people who stay in the state for the remainder of their lives. I never lived there before college and have no intention of moving back (even though I had a great time in undergrad). I know I won't see many of my college friends very often because I will be in Philly for the next 5 years, and the distance makes it a bit of a bummer, but a quality education is worth it. Overall, I think most people understand the amount of work you have to put in to even be considered at a graduate school, so everyone seems happy for me.

[mandarin.orange]

This sums up my Mom's reaction quite well:

Fortunately, friends and colleagues have been extremely supportive, though look quite surprised when I mention I'll ultimately have my doctorate (I admit it's still a bit of a strange concept to me!).

[thesnout]

My family seems less than thrilled. I know they think I'm putting off the "real-world" even though I worked at architecture and engineering firms for 3 years after undergrad. My situation is a bit different because I'm recovering from a serious illness so I know they're scared. Moving from Ontario to Calgary is quite the distance. My parents are also worried about my debt load. But it is my debt load and I'm taking on what I already paid off.

They're supportive in their own ways. My friends are happy but wish I'd move back to Toronto. Oh well. At the end of the day it's my life and I have to do what is best for me.

I'm sooooo excited. I just block out the negativity and don't second guess my decision.

I'm the first in my immediate family to graduate university and now go to grad school. 16 weeks exactly until grad school!!!

Edited May 16, 2011 by cherylsafina

[sol7intakt]

I'm so thankful for this forum. I've been dealing with my mother's incessant "when are you going to get a real job?" questions everytime I go home. I am the first in my family to go this far in education. Plus my parents were immigrants, so their version of the American dream was a stable job and the house with a white picket fence. It's been tough dealing with my family. Not only do they disapprove of my decision to be in graduate school, but they aren't really curious about my research topic. It's hard to find support outside of my Phd friends. I understand my parent's perspectives though. They worked hard their whole lives to financially support me and my brother. Sometimes, I feel guilty for not making the big bucks and for pursuing my dreams. I wish I had money to retire my parents. However, there are trade-offs in life. And pursuing my dream meant that I would have to delay making money for a while. Even though I understand my parent's perspective, it really drives me up the wall. I don't even want to visit them for the holidays. They constantly compare me to my brother, who has a stable job and two kids and a house. I'm tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I'm increasing my knowledge and pursuing my passion, for pete's sake. Based on their comments, one would think I was becoming a criminal or something. I just feel so frustrated with this situation.

I recently became a Ph.D. candidate. Rather than celebrating, I had to deal with anxious comments from family members, "what will you do with your degree" "how will you find a job in this economy?" These are concerns I have already entertained, yet they act as if it's new to me. I'm seriously considering spending less time with them because it takes too much energy to be positive in the face of their constant questioning. I don't know what to do.

[StrangeLight]

my friends are great. i met them in college, and most are either in masters programs, PhD programs, or law school now. a few have "real jobs" but they're all either friends with or dating/married to someone in academia, so they get it.

my family are not great. my dad never finished high school and failed his GED program (what do i win?) so he can't even comprehend the type of work i do. but that's okay, because he doesn't try. just asks me how it's going, asks how many more years it will take, and then gets angry when i tell him, even though i always shave a year or two off how long it will actually take.

my mother tries to be supportive but she's really, really, really bad at it. i decided after my first year to simply stop talking to her about my work, because most conversations would end with, "if you keep saying that, i can't talk to you anymore, because you're really not helping. that is the last thing i need to hear, you're making this worse for me and i need you to stop it." now i just read articles while i listen to her drone on about reality tv or some annoying thing my grandmother did.

i remember i told her my friend got a job. it's in oklahoma. her response was "oh my god, you wouldn't apply for that, would you?" of course i would. especially since my other friend, in the same field, wasn't able to get a job at all, and will be out of work with a newborn baby in january. i'm going to apply for any and every job that i can. "that's good. but you don't want to end up in oklahoma. i wouldn't apply for that."

extended family are worse. they constantly ask me when i'll be done, why i'm even doing this, what kind of work i could possibly get. i live a 6 hour drive away, so they constantly pester me to drive home every weekend. i never do. and i never will. if i'm going to lose an entire weekend without getting work done, i will be doing it to have fun, not to listen to people denigrate what i do or ask when i'm going to make babies and get married or tell me i should take a job at the community college near their house, as if that was even an option for me.

[MoJingly]

I have a really supportive and encouraging family, and I know how advantageous it can be, so I am rooting for all of you who feel alone around the Thanksgiving table.

My mom has her Masters and my dad went back to get his PhD after I was born (he was the first in his family to get anything beyond a bachelors). They are so supportive that sometimes they can't even believe it is real. "Wait, you are getting paid to go to school? And you don't have to teach? And you only take classes for a year, and then do research? Is this for real?"

Sometimes I feel the exact same way. "Is this real life?"

[squaresquared]

I'm so thankful for this forum. I've been dealing with my mother's incessant "when are you going to get a real job?" questions everytime I go home. I am the first in my family to go this far in education. Plus my parents were immigrants, so their version of the American dream was a stable job and the house with a white picket fence. It's been tough dealing with my family. Not only do they disapprove of my decision to be in graduate school, but they aren't really curious about my research topic. It's hard to find support outside of my Phd friends. I understand my parent's perspectives though. They worked hard their whole lives to financially support me and my brother. Sometimes, I feel guilty for not making the big bucks and for pursuing my dreams. I wish I had money to retire my parents. However, there are trade-offs in life. And pursuing my dream meant that I would have to delay making money for a while. Even though I understand my parent's perspective, it really drives me up the wall. I don't even want to visit them for the holidays. They constantly compare me to my brother, who has a stable job and two kids and a house. I'm tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I'm increasing my knowledge and pursuing my passion, for pete's sake. Based on their comments, one would think I was becoming a criminal or something. I just feel so frustrated with this situation.

I recently became a Ph.D. candidate. Rather than celebrating, I had to deal with anxious comments from family members, "what will you do with your degree" "how will you find a job in this economy?" These are concerns I have already entertained, yet they act as if it's new to me. I'm seriously considering spending less time with them because it takes too much energy to be positive in the face of their constant questioning. I don't know what to do.

Have you straight up told them how you feel when they say these things to you? I can see how they might feel they are being 'realistic' and they might not feel what they are saying is hurtful in any way. I had/have similiar issues with my parents and everytime they mentioned something that made me feel less than stellar, I pointed it out. My dad told me he didn't realize how I was taking his comments (negatively) and he actually apologized for what he was saying. It wasn't until I confronted my mom and dad and laid it all out in regards to my feelings that they backed off. I do still get the occasional negative comment, but it is way better now. I'm sure your parents just want the best for you and like you said, the best they know is having a steady job/family/marriage etc.. I think it is much harder for families where nobody has gone the higher education route, so it is hard for them to see the positive outcomes. My dad doesn't know the basics of things in the post-secondary realm, so I also have to be very patient with him when explaining things which can be frusterating for me. I do notice though, when I take the time to explain it (as easily and basic as possible), he doesn't say weird/negative things about my program/future. I guess I've just learned over the past few months that I have to start speaking up for myself more and stand up for what I want for my own life. I think it is hard for parents to realize their kids are now adults and have to make their own decisions for their own lives, so sometimes being a bit blunt with them is best.

Good luck!

[Zouzax]

I wish I had money to retire my parents.

Based on their comments, one would think I was becoming a criminal or something. I just feel so frustrated with this situation.

this. this. THIS!!!!

I feel guilty all the time that I can't call my mother & tell her to quit her job because I'm going to take care of her. And the way my parents talk, you would think I ran off to a crack den to sell myself for money. Hey, at least I would be paying the bills. Not really but .... really.

[Katanaji]

Hi!

My situation is a bit different:

I come from a poor region of Europe, my parents did not even start high school. My phd is in a field they are kind of morally against (and afraid of) and simply don't understand at all or ask about. BUT I am going to a famous ivy often represented in movies/TV, which has allowed them to realize it was a good place and help them ease the fears of my extended family (who thinks my parents are mad to let me go half-way around the world). And I get a 31K stipend (us dollars) which is already more than what both my parents earn together!

I did have to promise to have a baby before I graduate though!

It seems from various forums that 1 or 2 years before the end of your Phd is the best time anyway...

[qbtacoma]

Hi!

My situation is a bit different:

I come from a poor region of Europe, my parents did not even start high school. My phd is in a field they are kind of morally against (and afraid of) and simply don't understand at all or ask about. BUT I am going to a famous ivy often represented in movies/TV, which has allowed them to realize it was a good place and help them ease the fears of my extended family (who thinks my parents are mad to let me go half-way around the world). And I get a 31K stipend (us dollars) which is already more than what both my parents earn together!

I did have to promise to have a baby before I graduate though!

It seems from various forums that 1 or 2 years before the end of your Phd is the best time anyway...

I am extremely curious about what this scandalous field may be. Please share if you feel comfortable!

[Katanaji]

I am extremely curious about what this scandalous field may be. Please share if you feel comfortable!

lol I never thought of it as 'scandalous'... My field is between genetics and chemical engineering. My parents think stem cells, me murdering babies to create chimeras... and are mostly influenced by sci-fi film/documentaries

[juilletmercredi]

My family flip-flopped.

I was the first person in my family to go to college (extended and nuclear) and so even that was a bit of a deal. My parents are religious conservatives who believe that your life should be focused on evangelism, and that work should simply be something that supports that, so you should just go do whatever vocational program can make you some money. I grew up not ever believing I was going to go to college, and didn't even start thinking about it until junior year of high school. When I did go both of them complained that 4 years was "too long" for college and worried that I would turn into a heathen staying on campus, although both of them changed their tune while I was at college and both commented on how it helped me grow.

Needless to say when I announced I was going to a PhD program there were mixed feelings. I'm at an Ivy League program and they were very proud and bragged for the name recognition, but they were uncertain about me going to a 5 year program - I was straight out of undergrad, and even to them finishing at ~27 seemed "too old." My mom worried about when I was going to have children. But they've been generally supportive for the last three years, and when I considered leaving earlier in the semester, they actually encouraged me to stay and finish the program because they could see my passion for it even if I was depressed right then. And my mom has brightened by feeding me the line that I could just have a first child at around 28 and then a second one at 30 and everything will be all right. (Not gonna happen, but I'll let her believe.)

[Just me]

My mother is the one who makes me go, so she's thrilled when I don't object and starts with the passive-aggressive guilt trips when I have a nervous breakdown ans say I don't want to go.

I don't get to speak to my other relatives too much due to my mother keeping me from them, but they are happy for me. Seems everyone's happy about it but me (yeah, because they aren't the ones paying for it). Oh well, hopefully it'll grow on me by the time my thesis is due.