Recently Thrown Out; Need Help/Advice, Please

[thedig13]

Hey. Basically, my parents and I have never really gotten along. Growing up, I got beaten and verbally abused and just generally made to feel like shit all the time. After a year of college, I moved back in for summer. I managed to put up with my parents for about two months, then my dad and I got into a fight and I got beat down (physically). I moved out, and now, my parents have given me an ultimatum: apologize or lose the money I need for college. I firmly believe that I'm in the right, and I can't possibly apologize and mean it.

My mom *says* that she supports me but that my dad has frozen their joint account (and, therefore, "her hands are tied"). But, my mom has a major history of lying to me to support my dad, and I don't know if she can be trusted. My dad, on the other hand, I can't apologize to. The last 19 years have taught me that he is violent, abusive, oppressive, and not to be trusted in any way, shape, or form.

I feel like I have a good thing going for me already as a college student. I have a 3.95 GPA and I'm hoping to eventually go to graduate school for a PhD. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what working while studying will do for me; I have a feeling that it'll put a huge wrench in my plans by ruining my grades.

So... Help me. What do I do? Do I take out a loan? Do I fake an apology (against every instinct)? But, I don't want to give either of them the *satisfaction* of believing that they were in the right for the last 19 years. Is it lawful for one owner of a bank account to freeze a joint account without the approval of the other holder? I need input, experience, advice, and insight. Thanks.

[Kitkat]

I have had a few friends who in rather less stressful situations, but also serious, were able to prove that they were financially independent from their parents, and were therefore able to get more aid from the government to help pay for school. You should look into possibly doing that for yourself. I would suggest going to the financial aid office, and see what needs to get done for that. Otherwise, is there anyone else you can stay with when the school doesn't allow you to be there? Many times I know that they allow people to stay during the holidays, and if you take classes in the summer it would be easy to stay there then,

But of course, at this point the main concern is money, to help pay, if your parents don't help. How expensive is the school that you are at? Part of your problem right now, is that the school year is about to start as well, so getting a change in your financial aid at this point would be really hard. At best, the easiest solution right now would be to get a loan to cover their share. If you go to a school where it is less expensive then to others, it might be possible to do that for just a year, until you get yourself independent from your parents.

There might also be jobs on campus that could help reduce your bill without taking up more time then you can handle. One job that I took was to be a Resident Assistant. I then didn't have to pay for room or board, which took care of a good portion of my bill. With that and aid, I was paying only $600 total a semester for school, rent, food and utilities.

[thedig13]

I have had a few friends who in rather less stressful situations, but also serious, were able to prove that they were financially independent from their parents, and were therefore able to get more aid from the government to help pay for school. You should look into possibly doing that for yourself. I would suggest going to the financial aid office, and see what needs to get done for that. Otherwise, is there anyone else you can stay with when the school doesn't allow you to be there? Many times I know that they allow people to stay during the holidays, and if you take classes in the summer it would be easy to stay there then,

But of course, at this point the main concern is money, to help pay, if your parents don't help. How expensive is the school that you are at? Part of your problem right now, is that the school year is about to start as well, so getting a change in your financial aid at this point would be really hard. At best, the easiest solution right now would be to get a loan to cover their share. If you go to a school where it is less expensive then to others, it might be possible to do that for just a year, until you get yourself independent from your parents.

There might also be jobs on campus that could help reduce your bill without taking up more time then you can handle. One job that I took was to be a Resident Assistant. I then didn't have to pay for room or board, which took care of a good portion of my bill. With that and aid, I was paying only $600 total a semester for school, rent, food and utilities.

I go to UC Riverside, and given the current economic crisis, tuition + room + board is about $25k for a year.

[Mal83]

So do you get any financial aid at all? Or have your parents been paying tuition and supporting you financially 100%? If you really don't want to apologize to them I would definitely go to the financial aid office and talk to a counselor, they will give you all of the information you need and there are a lot of options out there for student loans. Stafford Loans can amount to $20,500 which would certainly cover your tuition bills. You might be eligible for a Pell grant, something that you wouldn't have to pay back. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe you can actually take out loans for past semesters, you'd just get that money in the form of a check...I did something like this while at a community college when my parents were no longer able to pay my tuition bills...maybe it was that we applied for aid in the spring and got the loans for the previous fall semester, something along those lines. You should check into that also, see what they say, it's been a long time since I was an undergrad.

You can also look into getting a student credit card if you don't have cards already. Going into debt isn't pleasant and you have to be careful, but this kind of thing will help you get on your feet. The credit limit on a student card is not high, maybe $500-$1000, but that can certainly help you with your monthly expenses as well as establishing yourself financially. If you don't have any income to put down, I'm not sure how successful you'll be, but give it a try. If you get any kind of financial aid it will count as income. I just got one no problem with the bank I opened a checking account with.

And if you have to take on a job in order to not put yourself back into your terrible home situation again then that's what you need to do. Maybe once you start making a little income in some way you can look into renting a room in a house or being someone's roommate in an apartment. Or also like Kitkat said, do what you have to do to stay in the dorm during the summer.

You know maybe you can just "apologize" enough to get what you need out of them, I understand not wanting to give them any satisfaction and they certainly don't deserve it, but you'd be giving it to them to get what you need in return. In the mean time you can work on getting yourself financially independent...open your own bank account, get a credit card, find somewhere else to live, get a job...you'll have to do those things sooner or later anyway. Your grades might suffer a tad during your time of transition, but then they might not...does it really matter when it comes to the magnitude of your situation?

[qbtacoma]

As you are obviously aware, your parents are using college money as a way to control and continue their abuse of you. I am so sorry to hear about all this! As others have pointed out, you have options. I strongly suggest making an appointment with your financial aid officer; he or she will be able to help work out a plan for you. Also you could consider transferring to a community college for this coming year (am I correct in reading you as a sophomore?) which will be way more affordable in the short term.

I advise trying to avoid private loans and credit card debt if you can, just because the interest rates can be ridiculous. If you have a family member who is a veteran or currently in the military (grandparent, aunt or uncle perhaps), you may qualify for a USAA credit card. Get it! They may even have a college loan program as well. I cannot recommend it more highly - if you qualify, you should have no other credit card.

Although all this disruption is very taxing, try not to forget that your education is for you. Even without your parents' help, you can get a degree to be proud of, even if you have to transfer to a cheaper school or take a semesters off to work. As these boards show, there are plenty of nontraditional students having success in graduate school, so do what is best for you right now without feeling pressure that if you don't go to undergrad right now, you'll never succeed. That's not true! Study what thrills you and do what you have to do to make it happen. Good luck!

[long_time_lurker]

If the abuse is as bad as you say it is, then there is no argument or thinking to do here. You already made the right move in moving out. Now you stay out. You let your mom & dad know exactly why.

Now you can't have your cake and eat it too as far as school - this may mean putting off school for a year or two so you can work to support yourself and more importantly so you can establish yourself as independent in the eyes of Uncle Sam. To me though that seems a small price to pay for getting out of a toxic environment.

If you have a very close friend with mutual trust, you can get married. On the FAFSA that automatically makes you an independent student in regard to financial aid. Assuming you both aren't making much money you'll instantly be eligible for Pell Grants and Subsidized and Unsubsidized loans.

[indalomena]

Hi there -- I'm afraid I am not familiar at all with the US financial aid system so I can't offer anything like the thoughtful and very helpful advice of all the above posters. I just wanted to chime in (if OK) with some personal support and just say congratulations on your great GPA and your success in college, even though you're struggling with such an unpleasant situation with your parents. You're obviously a talented and principled person fighting against the odds and I sincerely hope you get through all this and graduate successfully, even if you don't take the most well-trodden path to get there. Stay strong and good luck getting all this sorted out -- and sorry I couldn't offer any good practical advice!

[singlecell]

Given the situation as you described it, physical abuse considered, I support you in wanting to go it on your own financially. I think if you apologize, even if it is just to get the college money, you are feeding into a cycle that will allow your parents to withhold college money again in the future. With loans, yes you will be in debt but as long as you stay in good standing with your university no one can take that money away. If it will be your first time with loans, make sure you understand what those conditions are, usually it entails taking a certain number of credits per semester, and keeping a certain grade average (C or better, probably). It sounds like you will not have trouble meeting those expectations.

Good luck and keep focused on your personal goals.

[thedig13]

How viable of an option is it to just fake the apology, and then start filling up my summers with research, summer school, internships, and other opportunities? I see this as killing two birds with one stone: I'll be able to avoid further conflict with my parents by just generally staying out of their hair/house, and I'll strengthen my CV/Resume/Transcripts for my graduate school applications.

My plan is to, when I get my PhD, cut ties with my parents totally. Until then, I'll do my best to be patient and pretend to like them and "be reformed". Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that, right?

Just in case something like this happens again, I'll start looking into loans and scholarships (after school starts), but I think that, considering college starts in a month, I don't want to do that just yet.

I don't know. What do you guys think about this plan, specifically?

P.S. I'm a History Major at UC Riverside going into his Sophomore year. In case any of you guys need more information to give me better advice.

I had about $5000 of Financial Aid last year, but this year I'm not really getting any. I'm thinking about becoming an RA as a Junior (as one of you posters suggested), which seems like huge salaries/perks for not-all-that-much-effort, but I still have to do some research on whether or not my college provides the salary/benefits I'll need.

Edited August 8, 2011 by thedig13

[ktel]

I personally think that sounds like a decent plan. Apologize and then stay away from them while setting up a back-up plan in case it happens again. It should be relatively easy to fill your summers with the things you mentioned to excuse yourself from going home during the summer.

[Sigaba]

The best revenge is not a dish served cold. The best revenge is living well.

It is possible to put oneself through school and to maintain a high GPA and to get into good graduate schools. Doing so will require tough choices, sacrifices (large and small), and a steady diet of less than ideal meals. (I preferred malt o meal over cream of wheat.)

I recommend that you not do anything that compromises your core vision of who you want to be as an adult. Apologize only if your intent is sincere, not because you need the money. Get married so you can qualify for more financial assistant only if you don't mind being called some very harsh words by someone down the line. (Imagine the advice you would like to give your own teen age daughter when she will face the choice between principle and money. If you go with the money now, don't be surprised if she does, too. What will you say then about "revenge"?)

I recommend that you immediately go to your school's student affairs office and talk to the adults who have the expertise and the resources to help you develop viable options to your dilemma.

HTH.

[Mal83]

If an apology is nothing more than a few meaningless words coming out of your mouth one time then go for it. What have you got to lose? But like I and others have said, use this as a last time to get yourself established and financially independent from them. Go talk to a financial aid counselor sooner rather than later, at least knowing what your options are will make a very volatile situation seem less stressful and urgent. It also takes time for financial aid to reach your pocket, so you don't want to wait until you're completely destitute. Once you know that you absolutely do not have to rely on your parents to do anything I think you'll be in much better position. You're already doing well grade wise and you have an excellent goal in mind, work on all of this other stuff and you'll be unstoppable.

[thedig13]

The best revenge is not a dish served cold. The best revenge is living well.

It is possible to put oneself through school and to maintain a high GPA and to get into good graduate schools. Doing so will require tough choices, sacrifices (large and small), and a steady diet of less than ideal meals. (I preferred malt o meal over cream of wheat.)

I recommend that you not do anything that compromises your core vision of who you want to be as an adult. Apologize only if your intent is sincere, not because you need the money. Get married so you can qualify for more financial assistant only if you don't mind being called some very harsh words by someone down the line. (Imagine the advice you would like to give your own teen age daughter when she will face the choice between principle and money. If you go with the money now, don't be surprised if she does, too. What will you say then about "revenge"?)

I recommend that you immediately go to your school's student affairs office and talk to the adults who have the expertise and the resources to help you develop viable options to your dilemma.

HTH.

As an individual, my loyalties have always been to people rather than ideals. For me, most ideals and principles are too immutable and inflexible to adhere to 100% of the time, while dealing with individuals is much simpler because you can handle them on a case-by-case basis. With respect to my parents, I feel like the way they've treated me in the past doesn't warrant much in the way of respect, so I think I'm much more comfortable lying to them than some others would to their own parents.

I don't know if this changes your advice at all, but I'm just wondering if that maybe helps you better-understand where I'm coming from on this.

[qbtacoma]

I think by apologizing to your parents you would be feeding back into the cycle of abuse, where you are made to be "responsible" for their bad behavior. You seem to be leaning this way already, but I would say don't have any contact with them again, if at all possible. It is not safe for you to interact with them, much less acquiesce to their ridiculous bullshit demand that you apologize for your own injuries!

[thedig13]

I think by apologizing to your parents you would be feeding back into the cycle of abuse, where you are made to be "responsible" for their bad behavior. You seem to be leaning this way already, but I would say don't have any contact with them again, if at all possible. It is not safe for you to interact with them, much less acquiesce to their ridiculous bullshit demand that you apologize for your own injuries!

Would it work out if I faked the apology and simply found ways to fill my summers and free time, thereby avoiding them? I view this as a two-for-one opportunity: avoid my parents while beefing up my resume/CV/transcripts for grad school. I think it's a good way to [kinda] swindle the money out of them, at least for now.

[ktel]

You don't have to justify your actions to us or seek our approval. If you think faking an apology is the best strategy for the short term, then by all means do so. If it really is as simple as you make it sound (apologize, get money, continue kicking butt at school) then it seems like an obvious choice to me. Especially since the new school year is approaching and I doubt taking time off is something you would really want to do.

[dimanche0829]

You're really the only person who knows your situation and knows what you can tolerate. I would never, ever, ever encourage anyone to fake an apology and endure emotional/physical/verbal abuse in exchange for an education. Even though you are doing great in school now, abuse takes a major toll and the more you try and "cope" with it, the worse you will be emotionally. And if you're not able to function emotionally, your studies will eventually pay the price (even if they haven't yet).

Not trying to sound judgmental, but if you are seriously thinking about faking an apology, I seriously hope you consider asking your parents to pay for some therapy, too. Abuse is called abuse for a reason and you are kidding yourself if you think that you will be able to continue on like nothing ever happened.

[qbtacoma]

You don't have to justify your actions to us or seek our approval. If you think faking an apology is the best strategy for the short term, then by all means do so. If it really is as simple as you make it sound (apologize, get money, continue kicking butt at school) then it seems like an obvious choice to me. Especially since the new school year is approaching and I doubt taking time off is something you would really want to do.

I agree with this.

While I don't think you should apologize, I also think that you should make whatever decision seems most reasonable and safe for you. It is better for you to get what you need than for your parents to get the (metaphorical) slap in the face they deserve. And if you can get their money, the more power to you. I would caution, though, that every connection you have to them gives them another opportunity to abuse you. But interrupting your education plus dealing with how to pull the practicalities of your life together is also a high cost. Basically, I'm advocating for a harm-reduction strategy: do what you need to do to make things better for yourself right now, even (especially!) if the ideal outcome isn't attainable yet.

[Sigaba]

As an individual, my loyalties have always been to people rather than ideals. For me, most ideals and principles are too immutable and inflexible to adhere to 100% of the time, while dealing with individuals is much simpler because you can handle them on a case-by-case basis. With respect to my parents, I feel like the way they've treated me in the past doesn't warrant much in the way of respect, so I think I'm much more comfortable lying to them than some others would to their own parents.

I don't know if this changes your advice at all, but I'm just wondering if that maybe helps you better-understand where I'm coming from on this.

TD13--

IMO, the way you decide to handle this situation will say as much about you as the underlying dynamic says about your parents.

If you want to take a Machiavellian approach, that is your choice. Remember that choices have consequences. MOO, it is the unintended consequences that prove the most haunting.

While it appears that your mind is set on a path and you're looking for approval, I do suggest that you develop more alternatives before making a decision.

[UnlikelyGrad]

By now it should be no surprise to the regulars here, but I'm going to suggest getting out of the abuse, no matter what the financial cost is to you. If that means that you have to take a break from school to earn money, do it.

You may think you can "fake an apology" to get through one more year. However, as others have said, by doing so you are only reinforcing your parents' behavior. This will not make the situation better: it will only make it worse. Abusers tend to push the boundaries as far as they can, so if they think this level of abuse is "OK" (i.e. that you will take it), next time you interact it's only going to be worse.

You may also think that if you just make it through one more year, things will be okay. Again, this is not the case. The foundation of abuse is control, and your parents will find ways to control you one way or another, even if you're not living at home.

There's only one way to stop abuse, and that's to get out whatever way you can. Please, get help. Go to the counseling center at your school. Go to the financial aid office. Talk to as many people as you can. Abuse flourishes in dark, hidden corners but tends to shrivel up the more you expose it to the light of day.

[starmaker]

You said earlier that you plan to cut ties with your parents once you get your PhD. I wouldn't suggest waiting that long. Your PhD should be funded, and then you won't need money from your parents.

I sympathize with the "fake an apology, get by" strategy - ideally, you would be able to get out of the situation altogether, but you are the expert on your own life and your own safety, so I respect your choice of survival tactics. But you also need to consider that a situation like this could come up again - you can fake an apology and get by now, but will you be able to keep it up and keep your parents at bay through the rest of undergrad? What if they force you to come back to their home in the summers by threatening again to cut your funding?

Many schools will allow students to be considered financially independent from their parents if the students can document abuse - I know a couple of people who were able to get through undergrad because of this. Do you have/can you get any documentation? Can you talk to the financial aid office and find out if this is an option? If you can get them to consider you financially independent, and give you finaid based on that, your parents will lose their hold on you.

[Agradatudent]

It depends how long you have left in school. I've mostly skimmed this thread, but I would say choke down the apology. It's worth it to get ahead. Just stay away from them and bullshit them from afar.

As you've said, you've made it 19 years, what's a few more? Keep your head up and mouth shut and take their money. Then tell them to (smiley face) off when you're ready.

[long_time_lurker]

Your PhD is years away. You're 3 years from finishing your undergrad. You're seriously going to put on a happy face for that long? And who's to say they won't come up with some other reason to cut you off?

Find a job and establish your independence. School, and your brain will always be there. You need to be self-sufficient so that they no longer have anything to hold over your head. Riverside is a big enough school that there should be people with apartment shares so you can have low rent and you can scratch out a living. Your parents can still claim you as a dependent for 2011 but by virtue of living on your own in 2012 you will take the tax deduction which will put you on your way to becoming eligible for assistance.

It's absolutely imperative that you do this so you regain control of your life. As long as you're not self-sufficient you're still essentially a child.

FDR said it best:

"...true individual freedom can not exist without economic security and independence. Necessitous men are not free men.”

[UnlikelyGrad]

As you've said, you've made it 19 years, what's a few more? Keep your head up and mouth shut and take their money. Then tell them to (smiley face) off when you're ready.

Spoken like someone who's never been in an abusive situation...

The only way to stay in an abusive relationship for a long period of time is to pretend that it's "normal". That the abuser is right to do these nasty things to you, and everything that happens is your fault (which is usually the line that the abuser is feeding you). The instant you accept that it is actually abuse, that you don't deserve to be treated this way...sticking around is incredibly hard, and more or less impossible.

[thedig13]

Obviously, I'm not going to try and feed into the cycle of abuse. But would it be reasonable to (at least) try and put up with it for one more year while I try and get set up with opportunities and alternate payment options during the school year?