Friends in grad school

[nehs]

My M.S. program is a small one with just 20-25 students in each class(not a cohort class). Most are working full-time and so they come in just before class starts and leave soon after class too. There is hardly any interaction outside of class. A couple of people whom I talk to are nice. Recently one class mate met the grad advisor and made her coursework plans. I can meet with the grad advisor too and get this done, infact I've already met him a couple of times, but is it not 'expected' that you share your course work plans with other students(atleast the ones u talk too). This person instead behaves rudely when asked about coursework. I would love to have her in my classes,atleast some of them, in my future semesters. But this person seems so 'independent' that it confuses me. I don't have any other so-called-friends and no one seems interested to strike a friendly covnersation.

I mean its not like I'm dying to make friends. I have my people outside class but woudn't it be nice to have friends in classes too? are friendship offers always dismissed in grad school? or is it meant to be an independent journey?

[Eigen]

Just like anywhere else, some people want to make friends and some are loners. You can't generalize the response of one person to grad school in general.

There are a few people in my department that are loners- they rarely hang out with the rest of us. Most of the group, however, are pretty social- we do lunches on a semi-regular basis, grab coffee while we're waiting for experiments to run, or go out at night to blow off steam after a stressful day.

Being in a small MS program, your options may be a bit more limited- you have a much shorter time to make friends, and as you mentioned, a lot of the group are working professionals. Don't give up on trying, though!

[nehs]

Thank You for your observation on this. I see the point now - people are the same anywhere,inside school or outside and I understand that .But I know some people are not loners but they still don't want to socialize with our classmates(not only me but even with others). That thought got me to this post. I wonder why. Sigh!!!

[juilletmercredi]

The other thing is that they may not be loners - they may just have other things going on, other friends, other hobbies, other interests. There were a couple of people on my cohort who always turned down invitations out, but it was simply because they worked, or had children or spouses, or they were from the city and knew a lot of other people and so didn't feel as connected.

Now that I'm a fourth year, I get a lot of the "we never see you" comments that people at my stage got when I was new. I'm definitely not a loner, but I have a different circle of friends, and I prefer not to do my work in the windowless research room that's 30 minutes away from where I live when I can use the beautiful libraries on the main campus.

[honkycat1]

I wish I had friends outside of my program lol...

[geogeek]

I wish I had friends outside of my program lol...

I hear you, man. What makes it worse for me is that I actually broke up with my girlfriend of four years before I left this fall thinking I was some kind of bro. I guess you can call it karma that now I'm missing her like crazy and my ideas of having all these girls falling all over me hasn't happened. I was a real d-bag and here I am, lonely and sad.

[ktel]

^ Is everyone in your program new? I've noticed that my research group in particular seems to be not very social. Not to say they aren't friendly or helpful, but they have their own lives and their own friends and I respect that. I will develop that too, and quite frankly don't feel the need to have close friends within my group, although it would be nice.

[Sigaba]

I can't tell if people dislike me, think absolutely nothing of me, or avoid me because I am married or none of the above[.]

Aaron--

Bluntly, you've gotten a lot of implicit and explicit feedback on this BB regarding the dilemma you describe above. It remains up to you to figure out how to interpret that feedback, to develop a plan of action, and to follow that plan to improve your rapport with your classmates.

[mandarin.orange]

do some people consider a 2 month relationship "close"?

Some do. I tend to agree with your implied suspicion of such quickly-formed, intense friend/relationships, though.

Strong, real friendships take time. Also, the “character” of the cohort varies widely, depending on the school, program, even by the year. You have years in school to interact with these people, and likely your entire professional career beyond that.

You could probably describe my social life of the last two months as Spartan; my interactions with my cohort center around classes, seminar, who I run into in the office/mailroom/hallways, and an ill-attended weekly happy hour. It doesn’t bother me because 1) I am confident it will happen in time, and 2) I know there are an overwhelming number of other social outlets in the form of academic societies, beer drinking clubs, athletics, etc. etc. in my area. I’ve been real lazy about persuing those thus far, so I must not be truly lonely, right?

The grad student population in my MS was rife with cliques, gossip, bad feelings, and inter-dating. Being “outside” of it (when I first arrived) could be the most alienating feeling in the world; being a part of it was nonstop drama. While I still consider some of those folks my close friends, I very much appreciate the more slow-paced, professional, collegial rapport here.

And I’ll be your friend. At least, virtually.

[eco_env]

I've been going to all the social events that I can, and still I find that the rest of my cohort has social get-togethers without me. Not only is it depressing that I don't have anyone to have causal interactions with (no spouse or family around either), but I could be missing out on networking opportunities if I don't interact with other EEB-ers.

[Ya Ya]

eco_env I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm having a similar issue but within my lab. Everyone is either married, older, with children, or in such an advanced standing that they don't have time to hang. Except that they tend to hang out with a member of my cohort (who is also in my lab) whose in his late 40s. So I don't really get invited to there little outings but I kind of doubt I would have too much fun considering that I'm in my early 20s. But it would be nice to be invited. Oh well. The guy in his late 40s is having the same problem but with our young cohort.

[anachronistic]

My colleagues are all uber social. It would be nice to hear from someone who has formed lasting relationships with a few people without being a social butterfly or trying to be an extrovert (when you're not). At first I tried the bars and group activities, but I was bored by their conversation. Maybe I have a short attention span or I'm just interested in other things? For some of us it takes a long time to make friends.

My plan is to pursue some of the undergrad clubs- there's not such a huge difference between us in age. Also, maybe I can meet someone who is not into the bar culture? Does anyone ever get tired of seeing the same people in your program? I see them in the TA area, where we work, in class, in the hall etc. I just don't want to hang out with anymore. I'm tired of not knowing anyone (well) on campus- I'm just going to walk up to random people in the library and start talking. What do I have to lose?

[Andsowego]

Does your faculty/department have a graduate student society? I was pretty lonely in my first year, and in the second year I got involved with my faculty's student executive, and BAM! Immediate social connections sprang up as if from nowhere and it's just been getting better and better. If there's nothing in your faculty/department, try getting involved in your SGPS (not sure what they might have at your uni) but here it's the Society for Graduate and Professional Students - they organize social events like mixers, concerts, pub nites, holiday events (halloween, etc.), and a whole host of other cool stuff that is more "mature" too like trivia nights, interdisciplinary study, research seminars, etc. You could also try seeking out a volunteering experience outside (or inside!) the university where you can meet like-minded people who are into stuff that really matters (rather than partying and wasting time). It will build your social life while also enhance your credentials! Don't limit yourself to your own faculty/department/program for making friends. Good luck!

[LawlQuals]

I mostly made friends outside of class, and eventually some of those friends each semester ended up being in classes of mine. Maybe if one direction is not working out, you might try working from the outside in.

[Agradatudent]

I hear you, man. What makes it worse for me is that I actually broke up with my girlfriend of four years before I left this fall thinking I was some kind of bro. I guess you can call it karma that now I'm missing her like crazy and my ideas of having all these girls falling all over me hasn't happened. I was a real d-bag and here I am, lonely and sad.

You're going to grad school and you still assumed this?

[StrangeLight]

someone thought that going to grad school would help him get laid? el oh el.

i have a good number of acquaintances in my department, but i really know only two people in this whole city that i would consider true friends. and it took me a year and a half to meet them and another 6 months of hanging out fairly frequently to feel like we were more than just "friendly acquaintances." in my experience, the faster i've made friends with someone, the faster that friendship breaks down because it was built upon a neediness (mine? theirs? mutual?) for social contact rather than any deep affinity for each other. and while those fast friends are still good acquaintances, they don't have my trust the same way the slow-build friendships in my life do. that might just be me. but this is all to say that you don't need to rush friendships. if you need someone to talk to, though, just to shoot the breeze, take it upon yourself to invite a small group out. for lunch/dinner/a drink/a movie/anything. in my experience, how much people socialize with their work colleagues (which is what your cohort is) depends directly on whether or not there's someone in the group that takes it upon themselves to organize outings, even ones as simple as "lets grab a beer after class."

[wildviolet]

in my experience, how much people socialize with their work colleagues (which is what your cohort is) depends directly on whether or not there's someone in the group that takes it upon themselves to organize outings, even ones as simple as "lets grab a beer after class."

That's me! I was in a similar situation. I just finished a Master's program with other working professionals. Yes, everyone already has friends, family, etc. But I consciously organized activities outside of school with people I liked, and we all still keep in touch. I agree that you need someone to be the catalyst, to get people together. If there isn't someone like that in your cohort or classes, maybe you can be that person?

[nhyn]

My situation is a bit weirder. My advisor got a very good offer at another school in the same area quite late into the year, so while waiting for them to build the lab he had me start at the old institution anyway, so I know some people in the old program, but now am thrown into a completely new environment again, when my cohort already has time to get to know each other. I feel lost, but at the same time too tired to do the whole "taking initiative" swan song and dance again.

Reading people's opinions here surprised me a little bit - I'm in a long term relationship, and it never occurs to me that we (ppl in long-term relationship) would appear distant because we're busy with our partner. If anything, I try even harder to reach out lol because it's just so easy for me to tell myself to go home and hang out with my boyfriend (which I thoroughly enjoy; more than partners, we're each other's best friend), instead of getting to know new people and broaden my horizon I'm also not a naturally outgoing person and can be quiet if I don't feel like there's anything interesting to talk about; so yeah....It feels a bit better to know that it takes time, and it does seem to me that even at this age (over 20s), you can't force friendship. I tried to be friendly with some lab members, but we didn't click, and I ended up being better friends with someone not from the same lab. Sometimes you just have to let it happen, I guess.