How to get along with my American roommate

[gellert]

I'm talking about culture, or people skill if you would like to call it that way. Mind you asians might be the most sensitive people in the world while Americans are really just careless.

I'm not sure if this is due to a language difficulty or not, but this phrasing right here makes it seem like you don't really care to learn about American culture or the ways in which Chinese and American culture differ -- you just want to declare that you are categorically "right," and desire commiseration in that respect. Speaking as someone who has been an international student before (in China, no less), you'll find it is much easier to get by in a foreign country once you stop thinking of their culture as inferior to your own or somehow less-evolved/less-civilized. What you think is "careless" or "poor-people-skills" is really just "not-Chinese-culture." There is nothing wrong with a culture being different from your own. Accept that it is different, and that it is what it is, and learn to work within those parameters -- not against them. It can be challenging, especially when things that are considered normal in one culture would be denigrated in your own, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. Part of the beauty and the educational value of being an international student is being exposed to different cultures and different ways of life.

[Eigen]

I have to say, Gentlelife, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt based on your original post. Given your clarifications, however, I think you're being both a bit judgmental and a bit oversensitive.

You went to bed early when someone asked if you were tired based on a fragment of a conversation you heard earlier that you interpreted as them wanting to "send you to bed".

You are upset that she didn't tell you that she hadn't told her parents, because you view this as "unacceptable behavior". What she did or didn't tell her parents was between her and her parents, and not really for you to judge. From what you've written, her family seemed quite friendly and accommodating to you. If they hadn't been due to short notice on your roommates part, I could see a reason for you to get in the middle of it, but otherwise how/when she chose to tell her parents is something between her and them.

I'd also say there's a difference between her parents being "unwelcoming" and wanting to get some alone time with their daughter who's away at school.

It seems overall like you're trying to apply the cultural mores you're most familiar with to everyone else you're interacting with, and judging their behavior based on that. When you're in a new cultural environment, you should try to learn how that culture operates, and adjust your expectations accordingly. When I'm overseas, I don't expect everyone to act the way I'm used to or would think was culturally acceptable, I try to learn what is considered culturally acceptable where I am. As the saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do".

[CanuckBoy]

I think the title of the thread should be "How to get my American roommate to get along with me.".

[Agradatudent]

I mean, I also think Gentlelife assumes to much. My dad has thrown family members out of the house who show up uninvited on holidays. If they didn't want you there, they wouldn't try to push you into bed, they'd push you out the door.

[Gentlelife]

To toypajme, thank you for your reply. Based on what you shared, I suppose that I did overreact. It's pretty comforting to know that your father should shut your family members out the door if they show up uninvited on holidays. Compared with that, my housemate's family have really been hospitable and kind to an alien.

To Eigen, you're right. If I had looked on the bright side, I could have read the message quite differently. And I think I'd better not make any judgement by my assumption any more. As you know, I'm pretty sensitive to what people do, what they say and focus too much on minutiae so I can easily go to the extreme to the negative side. Thanks for pointing out my annoying personal traits.

To gellert, by no means have I been trying to "desire commiseration" by insisting that I should be "right". Believe it or not, I'm not that kind of arrogant guy who looks down on the culture distinct from mine, Science student as I am, I'm still pretty interested in the humanities and diverse culture. I do feel and I assume every one will feel uncomfortable when being exposed to the culture different from the one where he is raised and born. So it IS challenging to acclimatize myself to American culture within a few months after my arrival in the US. Perhaps to a native speaker, some things I posted here may be offensive and rude, but I didn't mean to be disrespectful or "abrasive". You're right at that point. My English is far from enough and satisfactory and this can be the biggest obstacle that makes myself isolated from others.

Edited January 6, 2012 by Gentlelife

[gellert]

To gellert, by no means have I been trying to "desire commiseration" by insisting that I should be "right". Believe it or not, I'm not that kind of arrogant guy who looks down on the culture distinct from mine, Science student as I am, I'm still pretty interested in the humanities and diverse culture. I do feel and I assume every one will feel uncomfortable when being exposed to the culture different from the one where he is raised and born. So it IS challenging to acclimatize myself to American culture within a few months after my arrival in the US. Perhaps to a native speaker, some things I posted here may be offensive and rude, but I didn't mean to be disrespectful or "abrasive". You're right at that point. My English is far from enough and satisfactory and this can be the biggest obstacle that makes myself isolated from others.

I think this is actually one of the best, most self-aware posts you've made on this subject so far. You admit that the language barrier can cause you to come across a way you might not intend, and you also recognize that acclimatizing to a foreign culture is a very difficult experience. You can already be commended for taking the step to come to a foreign country and go through all the difficulties inherent in being an international student. It is clear from this post that you understand that this process is fundamentally challenging, which is an insight it had not been clear you possessed from your previous posts.

If I may suggest it, take this awareness one step further and accept that maybe the way your roommate is behaving is not due to her rudeness, but perhaps just a difference in culture or language comprehension.

One thing a lot of Americans really value is communication. My advice would be to sit down with your roommate and express the way you feel about this situation. You may find that your roommate can explain her motivations in a way that satisfies all your concerns.

Phrase it like this: "I know this might not be what you meant by it, but I feel [this way] when you do [these actions]. I was hoping you could help me understand why things are this way in America." I know I had a LOT of conversations like that with my Chinese roommate while I was living in Beijing!

Good luck.

Edited January 6, 2012 by gellert

[Amogh]

Guys lay off Gentlelife a bit. Poor guy. Gentlelife: Take this as a one off incident and try again with another roommate. Don't build a shell around yourself whatever you do.

[gradapp2012]

I second that. To me, this incident has nothing to do with culture. Just one person (in this case gentlelife) being much more sensitive than the other (the roommate) . If I were you, gentlelife, I would stop placing so much importance on the actions of others. I would also try to be as independent and self-reliant as I can be, so that I don't end up in situations like these ( for example, if you had taken a book you enjoy reading with you to your room-mate's house, then when they were having fun when you were supposed to be in bed, you would have also had fun, since you would have been enjoying your book! That way you would'nt have allowed so much hurt and resentment, see?). And when I offered my friendship to some lonely person, I would really pay attention to their needs, since now I know, that my actions could have a profound impact on such a person.

[juilletmercredi]

American students are nice but sometimes they are unapproachable

Just like students from *any* country...?

Is it American's TRADITION for an american to take a stranger home for the Thanksgiving meal without permission from his parents?

Why are you generalizing to other Americans from the experiences you had with ONE American roommate? Some American young women might do things like this...most probably wouldn't. It seems that she was trying to be nice to you by bringing you to Thanksgiving dinner, but she was inconsiderate to her own family by not warning you ahead of time. You had a negative experience with your American friend, which is sad, but that doesn't mean that you have to assume that any and all American friends you made would treat you that way.

Either way, I don't know what you mean by 'I don't know how to handle native American students.' We're people, just like any other people - some of us are outgoing and approachable and others are a little more introverted and solitary. You have to find your niche with students who are interested in the things you are interested in. Attend social events at your university, go to the gym, go to bars or restaurants or coffee shops or wherever it is people in your university town meet people.

[ANDS!]

Not only spam, but f***ing baseball spam!  Are you crazy?!

[child of 2]

every time I see your name, I see AIDS