Relationships

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

Anyone else have a possible break-up coming depending upon where you get into/choose for grad school?

I've been in my relationship for over a year and am in this position. I'm wondering how many other people have this situation, and the conversations about the situation, looming as well.

After all, misery loves company.

[ANLstyle]

I feel your pain. I had to break up recently with my lover because graduate school was looming over our relationship. She just couldn't get over the uncertainty of the future and it took away from the quality of our relationship and the way she felt about me. It was really difficult and a part of me wanted to leave academia behind and just be in love. When she broke up with me I was just telling myself "I don't want this life (in academia), I don't know what I'm doing here." In my opinion academia makes the break up even more desolate because as researcher, we spend the majority of our time, alone, doing research. It's such a lonely career. Anyways, I'll stop rambling :/

[giacomo]

the stories like these make me think how lucky i am. i've failed at just about everything else in life, but my girlfriend has been there for me since day one, rain or shine. i don't know how she really think about me going into academia, but she's been 100% supportive.

[wmnshlthsoc]

My partner and I are already in a long distance relationship. Luckily most of the schools I applied to put us closer than we have been. Even still it's been "I just want what's best for you. Even if that means moving 900mles apart. We aren't breaking up". That makes me happy! Be encouraged everyone

[jenjenjen]

I'm definitely in this sort of situation, though reversed around it seems from the majority of you.

I'm in a new relationship and am trying to decide whether to continue putting work in to develop, despite the fact it might have a sort of "expiration date" for when I leave for grad school. It's only been a two month relationship but pretty quickly jumping into serious because we've known and liked each other for years. And everything is basically going as well as I'd hope for...

But you cant exactly ask a boyfriend of two months whether he would consider moving to california with you as its best for your career

And man i dont do long distance shit. Maybe I'd try for like 2 weeks (and then fail). But it's not really my boys preference either.

So it's like.... do i end it now - before we get more involved and so more hurt?

Or do i play it out and enjoy all i can from this relationship until the other summer and just deal with parting our ways when that time arises.

ugghhh sorry for this downer post but you reach a wine-fueled point where you realize this might indeed be the best place to get relationship advice

[ANLstyle]

I'm definitely in this sort of situation, though reversed around it seems from the majority of you.

I'm in a new relationship and am trying to decide whether to continue putting work in to develop, despite the fact it might have a sort of "expiration date" for when I leave for grad school. It's only been a two month relationship but pretty quickly jumping into serious because we've known and liked each other for years. And everything is basically going as well as I'd hope for...

But you cant exactly ask a boyfriend of two months whether he would consider moving to california with you as its best for your career

And man i dont do long distance shit. Maybe I'd try for like 2 weeks (and then fail). But it's not really my boys preference either.

So it's like.... do i end it now - before we get more involved and so more hurt?

Or do i play it out and enjoy all i can from this relationship until the other summer and just deal with parting our ways when that time arises.

ugghhh sorry for this downer post but you reach a wine-fueled point where you realize this might indeed be the best place to get relationship advice

I say go ahead to get involved. You never know unless you give it a try!

[Supernovasky]

Dude, I am in the same boat as you. To make matters worse, my girlfriend just got a job in Austin as a head QA tester for a video game company. I got rejected from UT Austin.

Its awkward right now because I got rejected from UT Austin, and I'm worried about my prospects elsewhere. There's a chance I don't get accepted anywhere, in which case I'll go move in with her and try again next year, while working on improving my GRE and stuff all year. I'll try to volunteer, show some more commitment, and put an entire year into this applicaiton this time. That would give us 1 more year together.

In some ways, she doesnt want me to get accepted, but she'd never tell me that. She keeps telling me that she'll support me whatever way she can, even if it means moving in with her if I get rejected, and when I inform her of possible good news for other universities, she seems happy, but I can tell she's not. We both have talked about breaking up if I move far away.

[tt503]

Anyone else have a possible break-up coming depending upon where you get into/choose for grad school?

I've been in my relationship for over a year and am in this position. I'm wondering how many other people have this situation, and the conversations about the situation, looming as well.

After all, misery loves company.

I just broke up with my boyfriend because I'm finishing my Master's (and moving hundreds of miles away), moving home to work for a year and pay back some loans/save $$$ while applying for PhDs, while he's staying in NY working on his PhD (he basically said he wouldn't move, even though he's past quals and can do whatever he likes). It sucks, but at least I can focus all my energy on my work now. I guess there's a silver lining.

[ktel]

Not to be super cheesy, but if it was truly meant to be it would all work out. Long distance, moving, staying, whatever. When my boyfriend and I started dating he had to make some pretty big decisions regarding his plans the next year. I had a year of school left, and if I wasn't in his life he would have just moved right away to start work. Instead he stayed behind a year, making the decision even though we were a relatively 'new' relationship. When I graduated I then based my applications on where his new job was.

[kbirch]

Not to be super cheesy, but if it was truly meant to be it would all work out. Long distance, moving, staying, whatever. When my boyfriend and I started dating he had to make some pretty big decisions regarding his plans the next year. I had a year of school left, and if I wasn't in his life he would have just moved right away to start work. Instead he stayed behind a year, making the decision even though we were a relatively 'new' relationship. When I graduated I then based my applications on where his new job was.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a cheesy romantic, but I completely agree. My boyfriend and I decided on my list of schools together, which meant compromising on both of our ends. Granted, he's a teacher, so he's got flexibility in terms of finding a job, and my research interests are met at a LOT of schools, so I'm not too pinpointed, but I feel like you can definitely have both love and grad school.

Plus I would never have gotten through the application process without him... It's helpful to have a voice of reason when you're in the middle of a freak-out.

[Hege-Money]

I don't necessarily think it would be advisable to be in a relationship during grad school - at least not with someone who is an 'outsider' and who may not necessarily understand or accept the long hours of research, grading papers, etc. I'm a romantic like many of you, but it seems to me that there's inevitably a need to choose (at least initially) between the development of one's career and the emotional satisfaction that comes from being in a relationship. I, personally, intend to have an unabashed, passionate love affair with my statistical packages, data modeling software, and research literature.

[ktel]

Grad students with significant others are much more likely to finish grad school than those without...

I find it strange how you assume that only those in grad school could understand hard work or long hours. My boyfriend certainly works hard and works long hours at his job. We're both advancing our careers and are able to support each other through it. It's really nice to be able to come home when you're really stressed out and don't have a lot of time and dinner is cooked, dishes are done and laundry is washed and folded.

[Hege-Money]

Grad students with significant others are much more likely to finish grad school than those without...

That's an interesting statistic. Let me re-phrase my statement. I did not mean to imply that only graduate students work hard; although I acknowledge from re-reading my original statement that it seemed like that was exactly what I was implying. What I'm suggesting, particularly from discussing this exact topic with accomplished professors and publication-heavy graduate students, is that success in graduate school (not measured by graduation rate but by academic output, e.g. publications, conferences, fellowships, etc) necessitates, to a certain extent, a detachment from external time-consuming entities. Whether or not this is the ideal condition is up for debate, but what remains clear is the fact that, aside from a select few, it is difficult to have a successful relationship and a successful developing career.

[Hege-Money]

Actually, Hedgey, I think that one of the positive aspects of being in a committed relationship is that it provides a stable environment in which a career can thrive. Things such as shared resources, support, and companionship come to mind. I think you may be surprised that it is not just a select few who are able to balance the demands of both a relationship and a career. Plus, all work and no play tends to lead to petrification and burn-out.

"Hedgey"? I'll disregard that. You're possibly right, and I hope you are. Like ThisSlum points out: this may all be contingent on age and an assortment of personality, experiential variables. At my age, I simply do not see how one would, for instance, choose to go to an inferior school or a school that does not maximize one's academic interests in order to ensure the continued viability of a relationship. While this may not always be the case, I myself have witnessed this occur in multiple occasions.

[Eigen]

That's an interesting statistic. Let me re-phrase my statement. I did not mean to imply that only graduate students work hard; although I acknowledge from re-reading my original statement that it seemed like that was exactly what I was implying. What I'm suggesting, particularly from discussing this exact topic with accomplished professors and publication-heavy graduate students, is that success in graduate school (not measured by graduation rate but by academic output, e.g. publications, conferences, fellowships, etc) necessitates, to a certain extent, a detachment from external time-consuming entities. Whether or not this is the ideal condition is up for debate, but what remains clear is the fact that, aside from a select few, it is difficult to have a successful relationship and a successful developing career.

Interestingly enough, if you head over to the CHE forums this is exactly what you will not see represented in opinions there. And the statistics are quite clear that relationships make more successful graduate students, at least in terms of completion. All of the mentors I've had, and continue to have are married, and most have been quite clear about the fact that they think that having and maintaing a relationship and a family is important. No matter how much you love your studies and your work, it should only ever be one facet of your life, and there are lots of examples of very successful academics who make this work.

And as to your most recent post, I'll point out that graduate school lasts a few years, while a good relationship will last a great many more than that. I'd definitely take a hit in rankings to make a relationship more of a possibility. It's not like rankings alone determine where you're going to end up long term, anyhow. Over the years, what I've seen make most people drop out of my program has been a combination of stress and depression. And having someone constantly there, supportive, able to talk to you about your work, hear out your ideas and theories, and keep you going is by far the most important factor I can think of in successfully making your way through not only grad school but post-docs, the tenure track, etc.

I think age is a big factor unrepresented in this conversation too, or at least It's one of the biggest factors when I self-reflect. If I were in my late 20's I'd probably be more open to asking my girlfriend to move with me and continue our lives together but going to grad school in my early mid 20's (24) makes me feel like it's too early for that type of commitment I guess. Certainly if I stayed where I was, or in this region, the relationship would continue but the difference between sharing lives together in a place we're both from to 'move somewhere neither of us have been before, away from our family, and friends,' is a much larger step. She's most definitely been the most supportive and understanding person in my life when I was over my head working on papers, finals, studying for my gre, and applications. She understands the hussle and bussle of it but it's just something else that I'm still trying to figure out. It's an emotional tug-of-war thinking about it. I'll go from thinking "it's better to just move on, you're still young, etc." to "you're an idiot, you're leaving behind a great girl".

I'm probably an outlier, but I don't think you're too young to make that type of committment. My wife and I got married mid-way through undergrad, we decided we wanted to have made it through a couple of years married before we hit grad school- and I'm very glad we did. It would have made it much more possible to maintain a stable long-distance relationship, and it also made it easier to keep a relationship going through the challenges of the first year of graduate school.

As was mentioned, we came up with schools we both were interested in, even though I applied directly and she took a gap year. We decided on a place that was going to work well for both of us, and she applied the next season. Had it been the other way, I'd have happily done the same thing and focussed my efforts on one local school, assuming there was research I could enjoy and people I could work with there.

[ktel]

I go to one of the best graduate schools in Canada, and I am surrounded by professors and grad students with successful marriages and families. This includes students in their mid-20s and up, as well as professors working towards tenure. I don't think it has anything to do with age or your willingness to work hard for success, but more your mindset. If you've made up your mind that a relationship will hold you back, there's probably nothing that will change that. If you have the willingness to make your personal life and academic/work life work, then it will.

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

Interestingly enough, if you head over to the CHE forums this is exactly what you will not see represented in opinions there. And the statistics are quite clear that relationships make more successful graduate students, at least in terms of completion.

This could be because those surveyed that have relationships (are in long term relationships) are older in age, more matured, and have less distractions as someone younger who is probably not in a relationship. It might just be that those later in life that decide to come back to school have a higher completion rate than someone entering after an undergrad.

I have a hunch the relationship variable has a correlation with age.

Edited February 6, 2012 by ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid

[Eigen]

This could be because those surveyed that have relationships (are in long term relationships) are older in age, more matured, and have less distractions as someone younger who is probably not in a relationship. It might just be that those later in life that decide to come back to school have a higher completion rate than someone entering after an undergrad.

I have a hunch the relationship variable has a correlation with age.

If you notice, that part of my post was responding to hege-money talking about his discussions with acomplished professors and senior graduate students.

I'll also add that while it may be discipline dependent, my opinions are coming from lab-based disciplines where it's expected that you'll pull regular 36 hour shifts in the lab, that 60-80 hours in the lab a week is the norm, and you'll be working most weekends, so even with those constraints it's very possible to make relationship work very well.

[allhandsonthebadone]

The first thing that came to my mind is time. If you share a place with someone chores are delegated and there is more time to study and less time for errands. Not to mention moral support through tough times.

[Eigen]

The first thing that came to my mind is time. If you share a place with someone chores are delegated and there is more time to study and less time for errands. Not to mention moral support through tough times.

It's a good point. There's also a significant financial benefit to the arrangment. You can get food for two a lot more cheaply than you can for two individual people. And while roommates can take some of the burden off, you'd need to split a 2-room apartment with a roommate, and only a single room apartment with a significant other.

Over the past 3 years, I've estimated our combined cost of living to be about 1.3x that of any of our single friends, including food, housing, utilities, etc.

[msafiri]

So, I've dealt with the kind of situation asked about originally a few times. When I moved for my PhD, I did it knowing that I was going to be ending a 1+ year relationship. But, TBH, I didn't feel that bad about because my ex had never said the words "I love you" in 14+ months together and I knew that the relationship wouldn't last. I could've stayed at my MA school for my PhD but didn't, which obviously caused drama and stress. And yet, we stayed together until August when I actually moved, even though I made the decision in April.

More recently, I moved abroad to do my fieldwork. A major stumbling block in my last relationship was that whether or not I'd actually be moving was pending and I was always applying for things but it'd be months before anything was for sure. I offered my ex the opportunity to move with me but ze has uninterested in leaving the city of my PhD university. We actually broke up before I heard about grants but were moving towards getting back together when I found out I got a Fulbright, which totally killed that.

In both cases, I think things have worked out for the best. I've spent most of grad school without a significant other and have a small cadre of friends that have been in the same situation. We turn to each other, rather than a significant other for emotional supports and someone to B&M to. It works okay-ish for us all but there are some times where you wish you had someone in your house to give you a massage and cuddle up with at night. Oh well, maybe one day, right? In the mean time, I really appreciate the freedom that being single has afforded me in terms of the ability to pursue my research interests in another country without having to worry that someone will be angry about being left behind or forced to live in another country whose language they don't speak or any of that sort of thing.

[lovenhaight]

I suppose I'll chime in on this thread. My perspective is going to be a bit different, simply because I'm married. My husband is also a graduate student, although he is in a different department. For me, it has been pretty great to have him around while I'm going through all the stresses of academia. He understands when I'm busy working on research/prepping to teach/freaking out over comps, and I understand when he is doing the same. He's in a highly specialized program that only exists in a few places within the US, so I don't really want to say what his field is, but he is gone doing fieldwork for weeks at a time a few times a year. While it sucks that he's away, it is also nice because I have the time to focus on my own stuff.

What it boils down to for me is that having a relationship provides a really wonderful support structure, which truly is necessary in graduate school. I'm not sure where I'd stand if I'd only been dating for a few months, but you should have some kind of gut instinct on this. If its worth a try, its worth a try...and if it doesn't work out, the person not in grad school can always go do their own thing. Perhaps make sure that your significant other has opportunities in the area as well so that they aren't only moving for you.

[nightdreamer]

I think it depends on where you're at in your life and the couple's dynamics. One of my friends moved out of state for grad school and had his gf accompany him... and... they ended up breaking up. For all of you that have significant others that understand, consider yourselves lucky! From the onset, the significant other may "support" one's ambitions for higher education until the real work (and neglect) sets in.

[giacomo]

I wrote it so it's like a scroll

yeah, yeah, we get it.

*closes the window as girlfriend walks into the room*

[3point14]

I definitely understand how you feel. My boyfriend and I did long distance for a year while he started his grad program and I began my application process. I applied to school, but we recently broke up because I didn't get in. We discussed it, and decided that, regardless of how we felt, we just couldn't keep up a relationship over such a long distance for ~5 years. Then last week I got a phone call letting me know that I'm invited to their interview weekend, so...no idea what will happen now.