Two, please - grad school and significant others

[psychology]

My SO and I were in a similar situation, but, when we hadn't heard from his program at our mutual top-choice in a while, my department put a little pressure on his department-- and he was admitted the next day. I'm not saying that the package deal thing will always work (I could see it working against you, for sure, and it did work against us at another great school), but if you think you might have some leverage and the relationship is worth the risk of your department asking you "is career or family worth more to you?", then go for it. Now, we will have offices 2 minutes away, instead of a multi-hour plane ride away. Good luck to all in this position-- whatever the outcome, the sweating bullets will go away soon!

[ethno]

My husband and I were engaged when we first started looking at graduate schools. I was looking for an MA program in music and he was looking to enter law school. We applied to Tufts/Harvard, UPenn/Upenn, Yale/Wesleyan, and a few other places. We each got into the programs but decided on the place that gave me a complete funding package.

Separating was not really an option as we were planning to get married after our first year of graduate school. It has been a few years and now he has several law firm offers and I am applying for graduate school again. He has offers in Chicgo, Boston, and DC so my school choices were limited to those areas.

We have both compromised quite a bit and it really has worked out well for us. He probably would have liked to go to Yale Law and I would have liked to attend SOAS in London, but we knew our relationship was a priority so we chose Cambridge.

Now we are planning to have a beautiful Jewish family and our newest concern is how we can make all of this work. YIKES!!

It is nice to know other graduate students are in this situation. Life can't stop because you want to continue with your education.

[cooperphd]

My husband has been extremely supportive of me. He is planning to give up his job and move wherever I end up. Part of the deal though is that we try to get pregnant so he can be a stay at home dad. He has decided that he would love to raise a child. We've done some research on having children in this process and we think we can pull it off. Needless to say, we won't be buying luxury goods, but I think it is a good compromise.

[ejuliast]

My husband has been extremely supportive of me. He is planning to give up his job and move wherever I end up. Part of the deal though is that we try to get pregnant so he can be a stay at home dad. He has decided that he would love to raise a child. We've done some research on having children in this process and we think we can pull it off. Needless to say, we won't be buying luxury goods, but I think it is a good compromise.

This is what we did - my husband has been a SAHD since my son was born; he does some consulting work in the evenings from home. He's planning to be a SAHD for at least the first semester, possibly the first year. Financially it's tough on a research assistant salary and then grad stipend, but for us it's totally worth it.

[guenevere01]

My husband and I are considering the whole SAHD thing, too! I'm so glad to hear that you guys have tried it and find that it works. Hope springs eternal!

[lyonessrampant]

So happy to know other people are in the same place as my husband, me, and our little dog. I DO NOT want a child, but trying to navigate him finishing law school after deployment to Afghanistan and me going to much higher ranked Ph.D. programs in English have been a strain. We got married one month before the deployment, so I feel like for the health and sustainabilty of the marriage, we HAVE to be together next year. I've posted my circumstances on anothe thread in detail, but I would really LOVE and advice. . . Sigh. this all sucks

[aria880]

I'm in a similar place to many of you. I have a non-academic husband who has a pretty good job where we live (though nothing is a sure thing in this economy!). I originally applied to programs a year ago and only applied to the programs I could commute to from our home (both roughly an hour's drive from where we currently live) in order to cause the least disruption possible to his life. Unfortunately, I was rejected by both programs, but I realized in the process how badly I wanted to get a PhD, so I cast the net much wider this year. In searching for programs, I took a lot of things into consideration including both the job market in the city where each school is located and the price of housing (we have lived in decent sized houses that we've owned since 2004, so cramming husband, me, three cats, a dog, and loads of stuff into a studio apartment really isn't an option; therefore, the cost of real estate in University Town would need to be comparable to or cheaper than where we are now).

My husband has been amazingly supportive of my decision to go back to school and has been rhetorically committed since day one to moving and finding a new job. However, we're finding ourselves in a position where he's got to put his money where his mouth is: all of the schools I've gotten into would require moving and hubby job searching. Both things are terrifying. He has many marketable skills and tends to do quite well in interviews. However, the economy isn't really cooperating on the job front. On the moving front, we're terrified that we won't be able to sell our house quickly enough.

So, in sum, we're in the position where we might have to make some hard choices. Right now, we're kind of in wait and see mode. We're still waiting to hear from one program that wouldn't require us to move, though I'm growing more pessimistic by the day. Meanwhile, we're doing little things around the house to get it ready to market, doing some research on job openings in the areas where I got into schools, etc. At the end of the day, all we can do is put the plan into motion and see what happens. If all the pieces fall into place, wonderful. If none of them do, maybe this grad school thing wasn't meant to be after all. If some of them do, we'll have to decide whether it's worth the sacrifice or not.

Sorry for writing such a tome! This has obviously all been weighing quite heavily on me!

[ellbell]

I'm in the same boat as you all. My SO has agreed to move with me to whatever school I get into.

But for those of you in a discipline where academic jobs are hard to come by (this is true for most subjects, but especially my discipline - linguistics!) what do you all plan to do when it comes time to up and move again for a potential job? And when in the process does having a family fit in? I've heard that it's difficult both during grad school, as well as while working as an asst professor, and if/when I made full professor I would maybe be too old to have kids.

Maybe I'm just worrying prematurely since I can no longer worry about where I did(n't) get into.

[ejuliast]

I'm in the same boat as you all. My SO has agreed to move with me to whatever school I get into.

But for those of you in a discipline where academic jobs are hard to come by (this is true for most subjects, but especially my discipline - linguistics!) what do you all plan to do when it comes time to up and move again for a potential job? And when in the process does having a family fit in? I've heard that it's difficult both during grad school, as well as while working as an asst professor, and if/when I made full professor I would maybe be too old to have kids.

Maybe I'm just worrying prematurely since I can no longer worry about where I did(n't) get into.

This is all very subjective of course...so I'll share my personal story, maybe that will answer your questions to some extent...? We decided that my career would be the "first career", the one that decides our path as a family. So when it's time for me to go on the market, we'll go to wherever is the best fit for me; this is the same mindset we are using when deciding where I'm going to grad school in the fall. When I applied to Ph.D. programs, I knew what I was getting all six of us (me, husband, baby, three cats) into, and we are okay with several moves in the next 10-15 years.

As for having a family, we specifically decided to have a baby while I was still a research assistant, before I started grad school. This way we're already past the tiny baby months when I start classes. If we have another baby, it'll be while I'm in grad school. My personal opinion is that my time will be more flexible in my later grad school years (3+) than it will when I'm a tenure-track asst prof (*fingers crossed*). (We're not sure yet if we're having a second one, though, just thinking that that would be our ideal time for it if we do decide that way.)

Of course, both of these things work for us because my husband made the decision to be a SAHD for right now. He'll go back to work at the end of my first year in grad school, hopefully; if we have another baby he'll stay home again for an extended time (6-12 months).

[aria880]

Ah the when to have a baby question... This has been on my mind since the point nearly two years ago when I first decided to enter a program. At the time, I was 26 and we were ready to start trying for a baby, a plan that was put on hold until I'd figured out what I wanted career-wise. Now I'm 28 and will be 29 upon starting a program, so we definitely don't have the luxury of waiting until I'm finished with school to start a family. Right now our plan is to go ahead and have a child while I'm in school (and our plans at the moment are for just one child, though I'm told I'll feel differently once that child goes from five weeks to five years in the blink of an eye). I've been through two MA programs, one of which I completed as a full time student while also working full time, so I know what I'm getting myself into when it comes to the coursework part of a PhD program and, while it would be difficult, I could find a way to cope with sleepless nights and an infant. The hairier part comes with diss research, since mine might involve fieldwork. However, I'd feel much, much better starting a career on the tenure track (hopefully) with a preschooler than with an infant.

[TulipOHare]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I had a lot of long talks about this. He has a great job where we live now, and isn't sure whether he wants to go to grad school in the future or not. I'm the one applying to school, obviously. So we stressed out about how to prioritize our careers, and being separated or not, and such... but we were able to come up with a plan we were both happy with.

All the places I applied are where we live now or fairly close by, and that was my decision; we've done long-distance before, and I could handle it again, but I'd be substantially happier if we could at least visit often. If I go somewhere outside where we live now, I will probably go alone, at least for a while (he will look for a job where I am but will not leave his current one without a solid offer, and we all know the odds of that right now). My tuition, and rent on my place if I move away, are up to me to figure out. Living expenses are up to him (he makes significantly more than I do -- not hard, because I'm a research assistant :wink:).

Then, when I'm done with school, it's his turn to go to school and my turn to pay the bills. Luckily, speech therapy is a job that pays pretty well and is in demand almost everywhere, so it's extremely likely I'd be able to go anywhere and support both of us. If he can get funding too, so much the better.

[erra]

SO. Both career and love are important, but I could definitely find happiness outside academia, while I'd always feel something was missing if I didn't have my best friend, lover, and soon-to-be husband in my life.

So saying, he's moving with me in the fall and is going to support me through my first year of school, then (hopefully!) start his own Ph.D. He didn't get into med school and I only into one program, so while things are much easier for us than they are for most people, they may not have been. Worst case scenario I would have joined him in his city when my residency requirement was up.

[fortiesgirl]

I'm in a similar place to many of you. I have a non-academic husband who has a pretty good job where we live (though nothing is a sure thing in this economy!). I originally applied to programs a year ago and only applied to the programs I could commute to from our home (both roughly an hour's drive from where we currently live) in order to cause the least disruption possible to his life. Unfortunately, I was rejected by both programs, but I realized in the process how badly I wanted to get a PhD, so I cast the net much wider this year. In searching for programs, I took a lot of things into consideration including both the job market in the city where each school is located and the price of housing (we have lived in decent sized houses that we've owned since 2004, so cramming husband, me, three cats, a dog, and loads of stuff into a studio apartment really isn't an option; therefore, the cost of real estate in University Town would need to be comparable to or cheaper than where we are now).

My husband has been amazingly supportive of my decision to go back to school and has been rhetorically committed since day one to moving and finding a new job. However, we're finding ourselves in a position where he's got to put his money where his mouth is: all of the schools I've gotten into would require moving and hubby job searching. Both things are terrifying. He has many marketable skills and tends to do quite well in interviews. However, the economy isn't really cooperating on the job front. On the moving front, we're terrified that we won't be able to sell our house quickly enough.

Like you, my husband is very supportive of my decision to go back to school. He's just the greatest. I also applied to programs within the vicinity of where we live because we have no plans to move, and I've been fortunate enough to get two offers from those programs, with one being within 45 minutes from home.

In terms of selling your home, have you heard of those home swap websites? They are becoming increasingly popular. I saw them advertised in Time. Basically you list your home as though you were selling it, and state where you'd like to find another home (in another part of the country). Another buyer on the site might swap your home if the need fits. Then you do the legit real estate deal as normal. You might want to check it out if you find that you need to sell and can't.

[habu987]

My SO still has a year and a half left of her undergrad, due to taking time off. What we worked out is that, wherever I end up going (provided I get in this year), she will transfer in and finish up there. Her one caveat is that it must be a top 50 school in the nation. If it isn't, then I will be going to my school and she will stay at hers to finish up....

[verito]

My SO is currently enrolled in a PhD program, and he s doing great. Now, i've been working for 5 years now and dying to get a Master's to change careers.

I so far got admitted to Fletcher's MALD.... so now, what?

Staying apart is not an option. He still has 2 years to go approx, and i really want to go to the MALD

I do not want to hurt his career at all.

On the other hand, i have a stable job. My company has laid off many people, and my boss is asking me to stay for another year. It does not thrill me but given that none of the offers that i ve had so far come with financial aid... i m thinking about it...

So... the deferral option comes to mind.

But how?

What if it does not work?

Is anyone else in a similar position?

help !

[engguy]

@verito:

since the offer is unfunded, they may allow you to defer. i would explain the situation and see what they say. try first going through whatever prof you've been in contact with and see if this type of thing is done...

in the meantime you could work and perhaps buff up your app and try for a funded offer. not knowing what kind of phd yr SO is doing, perhaps there's an opportunity for some overlap while h/she finishes the dissertation.

good luck with this, it's a tough one.

[verito]

Thanks Engguy !

My boyfriend is doing a PhD in biology... ecology to be more specific.

So well....

I do believe though that a deferral might be the chance to get some courses to update my profile, since well, i graduated some years ago.

I know that Fletcher gives you that option ( although not automatic), provided you give and additional deposit, and also explaining the reasons why you want to delay admissions. But then, it s up to the admissions committee to judge if you have a "good enough" reason to defer...

Anyhow, i would be a bit frustrated for a year or so, but as you said, that might give me more time to find funding...

Now... i have to figure out what to write.

And i thought this thing was over....

It seems this will never end...

[purplepepper]

For those of you with SOs/spouses who must do fieldwork or leave the country over the summers for your programs....how did you manage it?

Just curious. I'm in a field where its great to be single, lots of travel, etc. But somehow life got in the way, and I'm incredibly nervous about starting a Phd with a partner, who will have to start his own life over again (and thus be dependent on me for a while), knowing that I may have to leave for a few months in the summer or to do a year or so of fieldwork. I know....cross the bridge when you come to it, right? Any advice on how to cope?

[lyonessrampant]

Mims, my husband and I have done quite a bit of time apart because of the Army not fieldwork, but the basic outcome is the same, since you're not together, right? In my experience, the first separation was about 6 months and was sort of early on in the relationship, but I got to fly down to see him once. Currently, he is deployed to Afghanistan. He left about a month after our wedding and I've seen him once since August. He'll be here for some leave next month (YAYYYY!) and then home for good August. The time apart sucks, not gonna lie, but if it is limited, I think it is definitely do-able. I'm putting off starting my Ph.D. for a year, though, because I need to be with him for the year after he gets back and he already has one year of law school done. However, we'll spend his third year apart (assuming I get in places again next year), but one or the other of us will fly to see each other on breaks so it will be fine. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't be a big problem if you and your SO work on the relationship, both make sacrifices, and the time apart is limited in such a way that you both know there is a pretty firm date when the separation will be over as opposed to some nebulous amount of time. All that said, it can be really, really tough. Good luck!

[uhdare]

Here's some ... positive thinking.

My SO and I have been together since 2nd year of undergraduate, and have been long distance since we graduated in '07. He's in Law school and I'm working 6 hours away. I applied to schools in the general region where he eventually wants to work, and to the school he attends now (only those that were good fits). This pretty much guarantees more long distance as none of the schools I applied to are closer than 2 hours from where he eventually wants to work.. but we've already decided that no matter what, we're going to make it work. He may decide to look for a job closer to me, and I may figure out a way to be closer to him once I'm past coursework. I know we're an exception to the rule, but for us, long distance has worked well so far, and we're prepared and committed to keeping our relationship going. I think that if you're really in love with a program, and really in love with your SO, you owe it yourself to at least give the long distance thing a try, you may get to have your cake and eat it too temporarily... You can always dump one of the two later when you figure out which one you're in love with more!

[liszt85]

I met mine when she sang backing vocals for me at a pink floyd tribute concert that we did in my hometown. It was a summer break and I was studying about a 1000 miles (and a 50 hour train journey) away from home. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship with yearly meetings and goodbye tears for 3 years now. We're getting married in June and she's accompanying me to the US as she's finished her masters in Physics and has no specific plans for the moment. You can make anything work as long as your love is strong enough.

[liszt85]

I met mine when she sang backing vocals for me at a pink floyd tribute concert that we did in my hometown. It was a summer break and I was studying about a 1000 miles (and a 50 hour train journey) away from home. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship with yearly meetings and goodbye tears for 3 years now. We're getting married in June and she's accompanying me to the US as she's finished her masters in Physics and has no specific plans for the moment. You can make anything work as long as your love is strong enough.

Not to mention the hour-long phone calls twice or thrice a day! (Had a great service provider that thought it was being smart by charging a somewhat high amount for free national calls. I probably used 4 times as much call time while paying that fixed sum.)

[Rose]

I'm also in this boat and it's really starting to eat away at me.

My SO and I applied to different programs, a few with overlap, mostly in the same cities. The problem is, we've been admitted at a variety of places but the selectivity of our programs in each city was slightly different. My SO has already been admitted to her top choices (both in Boston) and I'm still waiting anxiously to hear.

The distance, I think, would weigh even more heavily when I'm stressed out about school projects and living on my own. Not to mention the logistics of creating a separate living space (bed, furniture, kitchen supplies, food) when we've been sharing all that for 2 years and I'm already going to go into debt for the programs I want.

[snake400]

Wow. So many people are trying to make this work. I hope you can all find happiness wherever you all end up. It is a nerve-wracking time trying to do all this with someone else in mind. I am graduating in May and starting a PhD in the fall. My girlfriend of 3 years and I just broke up in november (nothing to do with the future/grad school, something unrelated), and I quickly got involed with someone else (rebound, I know, I know). After doing our thing for a while, but not actually dating, we finally sat down to discuss the future, as based on my choice of potential schools, we would be quite far from each other. We basically both said we would want to date, but the situation is not ideal right now. It seems like whatever it is we have is gonna have to end.

It hurts to give up something that makes you happy, but we dont have nearly enough history to guide us through anything of such a long distance. I know we are handling it like adults and making mature decisions, but it just sucks to know you had to turn your back on someone you know you can be happy with.

So i wish you all luck, and pray that everything works out. For others however, you have to realize it might be more trouble than its worth.

[Louiselab]

I'm leaving my parents and the family pet for a town where I know no one. Not exactly a significant other, but I am rather fond of my parents.