Two, please - grad school and significant others

[commcycle]

My wife is TT and I'm starting a Ph.D program in the fall. Our story worked out because one partner was willing to be flexible, we are understanding of each others priorities, and we didn't insist on top-tier universities/programs. My wife and I dated for a year while she was working on her terminal degree. After graduating, she got a teaching position at a large state school in the middle of nowhere. I agonized over the decision, but moved down there with her, even though we were only "boyfriend/girlfriend" at the time. While we were there we got married, I got my MA, and moved to a more livable area. Now, after adjuncting for a few years, it's my turn to be back in school for a terminal degree (Ph.D), and my wife is very supportive and established in a tenure-track position.

[engguy]

I'm trying to make the decision based on what's best for me and what I want, but it's very hard for me to take everyone else's ideas and opinions out of the equation.

Well, to put things in a different light, think about how you will feel down the road if you allow what you perceive to be your SO's / parents' wishes to influence your decision. Will you be resentful? Will you be consumed with wondering what might have been had you chosen based on your own instincts and desires? Your SO and, to an even greater extent, your parents, are not going to be with you in the classroom or later when you move towards your dissertation and job search. Therefore, as much as you can, it's important to set all that aside and go with what works for you. Obviously, those relationships and logistics must factor in as well, but not out of guilt or fear.

Good luck!

[alison]

Well, to put things in a different light, think about how you will feel down the road if you allow what you perceive to be your SO's / parents' wishes to influence your decision. Will you be resentful? Will you be consumed with wondering what might have been had you chosen based on your own instincts and desires? Your SO and, to an even greater extent, your parents, are not going to be with you in the classroom or later when you move towards your dissertation and job search. Therefore, as much as you can, it's important to set all that aside and go with what works for you. Obviously, those relationships and logistics must factor in as well, but not out of guilt or fear.

Wow, this quote weighs heavy with me right now.

I transferred majors for my BA wanting to get my MA or MSW. I started looking at those programs. I also wanted to get a Ph.D. later, and told people that. Next thing I know, I've got my SO, advisers, and parents pushing me for the Ph.D., with SO cheerleading and helping me pick programs on the other side of the country. Three days after my first acceptance, my SO dumped me. Following me was just the wrong decision for him (and I love him for knowing this about himself). At first, I was so wrapped up and genuinely excited- I'd conquered the world and couldn't be any happier to rule it alone!!! I visited and got even more stoked. Then the glow started to fade. I hear this is normal, but I'm having serious cold feet :oops: . I'm starting to think I let him and my advisers tell me what I wanted, and now that I'm single for the first time in years and out of school for a semester, I don't want to do this right now.

Now I have a stellar offer at a school 3000 miles away from my home city. I have unofficially, but not officially, accepted (still waiting for funding offer on paper). All I can think about is the really nice masters' program in my home city, a city I'm 150% in love with and would have never wanted to leave without SO's urging. It's not the Ph.D. with funding offer. Heck, I didn't even apply because he told me it was a bad idea and I knew he hated living here. Whenever I try to talk to anyone about this (even a therapist), all they say is "You already got in, you're insane!"

Everyone I tell this to tells me I'm being immature and crazy, that I'm grasping for straws to get out of commitment. Maybe I am, but I'm in my early 20's so there's plenty of time for me. I can't stop thinking about how I'd be letting everyone down, but I also can't stop daydreaming about what could-have-been if I'd done what I wanted (and I can't sleep because of the horrible anxiety dreams about everything else!). How crazy am I :oops: ?

[firefly85]

Alison, I know how you feel. Right now I'm trying to weigh what I would regret more, passing up my funding or being separated from my SO. My parents and my SO also have different ideas of where they want me to go, which makes me feel stuck in the middle (and like this isn't even about me, which it should be!). Unless something dramatic happens in the next week I'm 99% sure I'll be going to American, I just can't pass it up, and I'm not really happy with the area I live in right now (I prefer the city, this is technically a city, but without much to do...). It sounds like your SO followed you to where you're living now and that's what I did for my bf, which has been very difficult on me. While I love him and want us to stay together, I need to go where I think I'll be happiest. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but part of me hopes this time he will move for me (eventually). Anyway, back to my point, even though you don't have a lot of time right now (about a week I'm assuming), you have to think about your choices and what will make you happiest. I'm not sure what your options are but it sounds like there's a possible MA or a possible PhD. If you don't want the PhD, go for the MA for now, you can get the PhD later. If you don't want to move thousands of miles from your home city, then don't. Don't worry about disappointing people (even though I know that's hard!) because it's your life, not your parents', or your ex's, or whoever else helped you with your apps or whatever. Even a therapist can't tell you what's right for you. Good luck deciding!

[tkm256]

My SO and I are completely different when it comes to academia (I've always been a hard-core student and place a lot of importance on where I'll go for graduate school; he sees college as an inefficient institution that's wasting his money by forcing him to take gen. ed. classes he'll never use and testing memorization over skills), but we're on the same page personality-wise: we're both tightwads. Because he worked for a few years after earning his associates, he's stuck at our current university for another three to complete his bachelors while I'm looking at starting my masters in fall. If I can get an aid package here, great, but if I receive funding from a school far away, he'll push me out the door so that later he doesn't have to bear the burden of my debts The thought of separation is a little stressful, especially since the possibility of visiting is pretty much nil (neither of us have cars, or the money to take trains/planes). We tend to get into arguments if we only communicate by phone or chat because we both have abrasive ways of talking and need physical contact and facial expressions to soften the blow. Still, we'd both rather separate now and reap happiness together later than to take on debt, be happily together temporarily and miserable down the road.

[kmcal]

Has anyone been in my situation...I was accepted to my dream program last year. My SO was reluctant to move with me because of lack of time to find a new job, which was understandable. However, he was unemployed at the time and was only looking for jobs in the city we currently lived. I agreed to defer my acceptance for a year and he agreed to look for a job earlier so he could go with me. Six months later, when he realized I was still serious about attending graduate school the next year, he told me that he really didn't see moving with me and would not be trying to find a job. I was crushed. He is very attached to the city we live in (which by the way I moved to to be with him two years ago), yet the place we would be going is great as well. He even lived there for a while and loves it, and we both have many friends there. So now, I was reaccepted to this program and SO is pretty much saying see you in two years, if you move back here. I feel like I already wasted some time waiting for him, and I just need to go. We did long distance for a year previously and I vowed to not put myself in that situation again. Part of me wonders if he would ever be willing to move for me. He is currently doing freelance jobs and gets paid pretty well, but is not working full time. He says he'll look for a job but I haven't really seen any evidence of that yet. I don't want him to hold me back, but I don't want to have to feel like I'm choosing my career over him, or vice versa.

[TulipOHare]

I don't want him to hold me back, but I don't want to have to feel like I'm choosing my career over him, or vice versa.

He is holding you back. He has already held you back for more than a year.

He has also clearly chosen his career (and whatever ties he has to where he lives now) over you.

Is this what you want?

[tkm256]

I feel like I already wasted some time waiting for him, and I just need to go.

I don't want him to hold me back, but I don't want to have to feel like I'm choosing my career over him, or vice versa.

You already know what you want to do. It seems the only thing keeping you from doing it is the desire to keep up appearances. You don't want to see yourself as a cold career woman who will die alone with a glass of sherry in her hand, or as the sap who gave up her dreams to subvert herself to her not-quite-husband. Forget what it sounds like in the abstract, and just weigh the straight pros and cons. If he's saying see you in two years, then see him in two years...if you two are still together. If you're not, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

The reality is that if you intend to enter academia, or you're training for a specific professional program, you will most probably have to move away from wherever your honey's rooted to get a job, no matter where you go for school. If he's not willing to uproot now, it's not likely he'll magically change his mind later.

[firefly85]

kmcal, even though our situations aren't exactly the same, I'm having a lot of the same feelings you are. I moved for my bf and he originally indicated he would be willing to move for grad school with me in a little while. Now that I'm in to one that's farther away and I got good funding from he's decided he needs to stay at his job longer and I'm very upset about likely having (to go back to) a long distance relationship with him. It's somewhat complicated by the fact that I am into a school where we live, so technically I could stay, but I'd have to figure out financing somehow (potential Ga's etc) when this other school's money is pretty much all worked out. I keep flip flopping about what I want and it's driving me crazy because I feel like I'm choosing love or money and I hate it! Unfortunately it seems for the time being both of our boyfriends have chosen their careers/current homes over us and at least for me, it's hurting like hell. Especially when it seems we have given up something, or done something big to show our commitment and make their lives easier and now it seems like it was either not enough (when it should have been) or may have been all for nothing. From your situation I think if you really want to go to this school you should. Long distance sucks, but it may make your boyfriend realize that he really does want to be with you and will be willing to work out a compromise or you may realize it's not the right relationship for you, because your needs are not being met/considered enough. Trust me, it sounds awful to me too (in terms of my own relationship), but I think you'll seriously regret it if you let him hold you back from your dream school for at least another year. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it more. It sounds like our situations have a fair amount in common and maybe we can help each other! (PS I saw you're doing IR, me too, which one is your dream school?)

[wantaphd]

My situation is a little different, but perhaps there is a lesson in it for some of you.

My ex-SO is a TT professor at a school in the west. We had been doing the long distance thing for a while and decided that I would move to be with her. I'm from the Deep South, and was teaching high school and hated it. It was easier for me to move than for her, so I did. Well, about six months after I moved, she decided that her career was more important than our relationship. I was shocked, hurt, heart-broken, and all of the other stuff that goes along with a devastating break-up. I had already been thinking about applying to grad school for my Phd; and thankfully, I was accepted with full funding to one of the three programs I applied to. Things worked out in the sense that I will be doing what I've always wanted to do, and our break-up was kind of the catalyst for me to apply this year, rather than next, which I had already planned to do.

The lesson here is this:

Do want you think is best for YOU. There is no guarantee that your current relationship will last or that your SO will follow you while you pursue your dreams. For those of you who have supportive SOs who are truly committed to the relationship, I envy you! But for those of you who have SOs who are straddling the fence, they are already telling you everything you need to know. Believe it or not, I am a hopeless romantic, and I believe that if you really love someone and want to be with them, you can work it out. But I'm also a realist; sometimes we have to let people go because ultimately, our happiness is up to us. I'm still a little broken up over the split, and I know that I would have done whatever it took to make things work. But it wasn't about me, it was about her. Ideally, the relationship should have been about US. Hence, the break up.

Good luck everyone and I am also one of those folks who hopes to meet someone awesome in grad school!

[iwantgradz]

i am FREAKING OUT. i just got into a phd program at columbia - which i am super excited about, but also waiting to hear from UK programs (but won't hear about funding till may and have to make a decision now!)

im american but my husband is european and we live in europe. the problem is it may take a really long time for him to get a visa - maybe even 2 years. i don't know if he (or i)will be happy in new york --- he's never been so he has no way to make an informed decision! i don't really know what to do. he said that maybe we could make it work, but i feel like it's so unfair since he has never been to the states, doesn't know what it's like, and may love it or hate it -- and it would uproot him and all of his hard work establishing himself in the UK, learning to speak english, etc for 5 years. i don't even knw if they will let me start in the spring, so maybe i have a chance to get him a visa faster. spousal visas take so long. damn.

[mkmason]

My story:

I had been with my then boyfriend since just after I graduated from high school. He was a year ahead of me, and when he came back for the summer break from the college I was going to be attending, he agreed to take me to the college for a day and show me around... and romance blossomed.

We stayed together for three years in college, and then he graduated and moved to Seattle and I moved to England to study abroad. We decided (foolishly?) to have a long distance relationship. We weren't sure what was going to happen, because I was planning on going to grad school, and I didn't want to go to school in Seattle. Then, when I got back from England, the reverse culture shock was... well, a shock. I decided I wanted to take some time off before going to grad school, because I was burnt out. Then we decided to get married. We had discovered during our VERY long distance relationship that we wanted to be together no matter what, and so while we talked about the possibilities and decided there was a CHANCE our life plans would work out together, we sort of made a decision that we wanted to make sure that whatever happened we ended up together, and marriage would be the ultimate way of assuring that would happen. Romantic, right?

Well, he actually ended up switching career paths, his time in Seattle having focused his desires, and applied and got accepted to grad school in Portland, OR. So instead of moving back in with my parents like a good girl, we lived in sin for a year while we planned our wedding (which honestly could have been planned in 3 months, but I didn't want anyone asking me "are you pregnant?" because my hometown is tacky like that) and he went to school. We got married, he moved into his second and last year as a Grad student, applied for a PhD program at 4 schools. At this point, I was just planning on coming along with him, as I was working at a dead-end job full of misery and completely unable, thanks to the economy, to find a better job.

But then, in early February of this year, I decided to apply for grad school myself. I had always intended to go to grad school, and one of the places he was applying was where I had originally wanted to go. So I quickly put together all the application materials and hoped for the best: that we'd both get in. Then the horrible news came that he hadn't gotten into any of the 4 places he had auditioned. We were both crushed. Now we were both facing the prospect of underemployment and dashed dreams for another year. But then! one night as we were discussing our options over dinner and I was near tears, I checked my email on my phone, and I had gotten in to ASU! Suddenly the whole game had changed. Now it could be my turn to chase the dream; because if I hadn't been married, I would have sold my stuff and hopped the next plane to London to try my luck there as soon as I realised my boss was a ****ing liar.

And he's turned out brilliantly. He isn't completely pleased with the prospect of having to build a studio and a network in a new city, or with being stuck in AZ for two years if he doesn't get in next year (but I'm hopeful he will, because this last time around he botched his audition, but he's still a great player, and has a year more to practice without the stress of also graduating from grad school), but his attitude from the get-go has been "you got it, so let's do it".

I guess we just decided that it seemed possible that we could be happy, so we tried to make it work. And so far, it has, though not at all the way we originally thought when we were on two continents without a clue what would happen to our relationship. Now I know that that though I could have all the adventures in the world, they won't mean as much to me if I can't share them with him. Now I have a chance at a graduate degree AND my significant other! What a coincidence.

That's my story.

[juilletmercredi]

I was considering applying to graduate school at the same time my SO was considering joining the Air Force. I started off only looking in cities that he would be comfortable, but still applying to my dream programs. I got into Columbia, he went to the Air Force. Because I was so uncertain about where he would be stationed, I just chose what I thought would be the best for me. His basic military training was in San Antonio and I moved to New York. I visited him for his graduation and we talked constantly when he was stationed at Sheppard in northern Texas for training. Then he found out that the plane he works on (was assigned to, really!) is only at two bases in the U.S. -- one in the Bay Area and the other in central New Jersey, 80 miles south of New York. He requested that base and got there, so now by sheer luck he's stationed 80 miles south of me and I see him every weekend!

It's still pretty difficult, though. Like someone said, seeing your SO every weekend is still very different from living with them. Plus, traveling is stressful and he also works nights. Because he's so new in his training he likely won't be deployed until next year, and his deployments are 120 days long so it's not too long, but I'm not looking forward to it. And also my weekends are so devoted to him that sometimes I miss out on other things that are going on during the weekends here, things I wouldn't feel obligated to miss if we lived together. We're planning to move together after I finish my coursework, somewhere that he can easily commute to the base but that I can also get to New York when I need to.

He definitely comes before my career, though -- we celebrated 8 years last Saturday, and I love him. I could be happy in a lot of careers without a Ph.D but I would regret it forever if I put my career before him and the family we plan together. (One of the reasons I'm not really stuck on becoming a professor - besides not really wanting it anyway, it wouldn't really be feasible for a military wife. I really would like to work for the government doing research!)

[optimistic09]

I have an interesting situation. I have actually been in a long distance relationship for over five years. My SO is from the city I went to school in but goes to school 300 miles away. I have decided to attend graduate school 3000 miles away from my current location; which to me would not be feasible for a long distance relationship. Although my SO is currently looking for work near where I will be, I am beginning to come to realize that I may not be able to have it all. Hopefully we can remain friends, but I really don't want to have to continue with a long distance relationship.

[threedaystar]

I try to be an optimist, with a heavy dose of realism mixed in. I think that lately a lot of people have been chiming in on keeping an SO long distance. Well - from family experience [my father was deployed most of my childhood and my mother stayed home] and from my own experiences- I can say that long distance sucks, BUT is feasible if both people really want it. Some couples can make it work, others cannot. Plus, 100-300 miles of distance is one thing, when one SO is on the other side of the world, it is another. Just think about the time and money etc... that traveling might induce or prohibit you from being with your SO. I know I haven't seen my bf in months and it is making me :shock:

But also - hearing all these stories of couples who do make the grad school leap together [and make it work] makes me feel somewhat warm and fuzzy.

[liszt85]

Long distance sucks but works. We've done it for 3 years. I went to school 1000 miles away from where my SO lived and studied. We spoke hours on the phone everyday. We met once or twice a year. We're getting married in June this year. She does not know if she wants to go to grad school. So she hadn't applied anywhere. She will accompany me and we'll live on my modest stipend. If she finds something interesting at OSU, she might apply later on (maybe for a MS or PhD, she has a MSc in Physics already). So we're looking forward to life in the US and we're extremely happy to have each other.

[friedgreentom]

My SO said she would move with me for grad school (2 years). We have been together for less than one year. I love her and do see a long future with her, but I am worried that she will distract me from my studies. 

[thegirldetective]

My SO is willing to move with me to grad school, but with limitations on where he's willing to go. So I only applied to places where he would be willing to live (which was a fairly broad list, so it was easy to find a number of programs I liked) and once actual offers are on the table, we'll re-visit and weigh how much I like an individual program with how good of a fit the location is for him.

 

What makes all of this a little easier is I pretty much knew my grad school plans and timeline when we started dating (in undergrad), so he had time to decide if that was a deal breaker for him before we had both invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship.

 

friedgreentom: I don't think it's unreasonable to worry about that, but I also think that learning to navigate managing a relationship + school/job/passionate hobby is a valuable thing. You can use this as an opportunity to discuss what her needs are in terms of time with you, what your needs are in terms of studying, and negotiate a system where you spend x amount of hours with her and x amount of hours on school. 

 

Though neither of us are yet in grad school, my SO and I have both at various times in our relationship had difficult schedules, and along the way we've figured out a lot of strategies for dealing with that. For example: It makes a big difference for me if we both wake up early and spend ~30 minutes together before we get ready for work. Even though this isn't very much time in total minutes, it meets my emotional needs better than when we were on different sleep schedules and only saw each other right before bed, because (1) I'm more awake and alert in the morning than at night, and (2) it means I see him twice a day, even if only briefly, which feels really different to me than only seeing him once a day (even if the total number of hours is the same). For him, on the other hand, the distribution of day-to-day minutes doesn't matter so much, but it is really important that we get in a good chunk of quality time together about once a week. So when I'm planning my week I try to make sure I'll at least have a full half day on the weekend so we'll have some time together. Similarly, we both need some alone time during our week to be happy - getting this hasn't been such an issue, because we are both so busy, but it's important to know for the future.

 

Figuring out what your needs are and learning how to negotiate that is a good skill, and it will be useful in both grad school and beyond.

[starofdawn]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, and plan on marrying.

 

He is very supportive of my decision to go back to graduate school, and will move with me. When I was trying to figure out where to apply, his preference for staying in California was a big factor in deciding to only apply to California schools(but not the only reason). Even if he won't like the area, I'm only obtaining a Masters degree and we would be able to move again in just a few years.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Career > SO

BROS > HOS

[babycakes]

My SO is firmly planted in a career in education with a great salary; his work stress is high and his hours are long but he believes in what he does and he's making great strides in climbing the career ladder. I am entering the same field, but I'm a decade younger so I am applying to masters program and will be just starting out once I'm done. The furthest I applied is to Columbia, which is 300 miles from where we are. I suggested we could meet halfway every other weekend or something which is relatively implausible because we'd be spending 6 hours a day each just driving down to see each other. We can't even spend a week without each other. Thankfully, the best part is that its only a one year program. We've been together for over four years and we're deeply attached. I would like to consider a PhD later down the road and go to the best school I can get into, but I am definitely not asking him to give up my career for his and I don't think I can spend 4-6 years apart. Not to mention if I get a PhD, at best I'll become a professor at a teaching school which makes it un-worthwhile for him to leave his position. I am hoping that if he does get his doctorate like he plans, that he has more mobility to move. We're really sick of our area and other than the pay there's nothing really going on here for us. 

 

I have definitely at times wondered if my relationship is holding back my career (my original plan was to go into the peace corps then pursue grad school in biology). But at the end of the day, I think I would have burned out in grad school thinking I left an amazing relationship for a lab coat compacted with bleak employment perspectives in my field.