Choice regret

[EB456]

Has anyone else experienced regret over the decision they made? On Friday, I was still deciding between my two top choices. I wound up choosing the higher-ranked program that has a reputation for being really awesome to its grad students, over the lower-ranked program which has a professor I really liked in my home city. I'm now worried that I made the wrong choice. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you deal?

[a3ka2000]

I experienced the same situation. Between high-ranking university versus topic of research (with clearer lab/research information shown on website, but I don't know both professors of the both schools). My dilemma left me in mentally drained weeks Well, now decision is made, I can't make any changes, I got nothing to lose = if I can make it to get my degree, it's from a top-school anyway!

Btw just curious, why you regretted? The professor is an old/non-energetic one or less funding?

best

[Pauli]

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

-Alexander Graham Bell

[ktel]

I had some regrets after entering my program when I was struggling at first. I figured I would have had the same struggles anywhere, there's no use thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

[snes]

Has anyone else experienced regret over the decision they made? On Friday, I was still deciding between my two top choices. I wound up choosing the higher-ranked program that has a reputation for being really awesome to its grad students, over the lower-ranked program which has a professor I really liked in my home city. I'm now worried that I made the wrong choice. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you deal?

Now that you've decided (congrats!) tell yourself or write down all the reasons you chose that school. Aspects like prestige and program fit are factors that are more or less long-lasting and significant for your future. Your regret might just be a mixture of nerves and fear because the program is in a new geographical location, and maybe guilt for turning down someone you really liked. Those feelings are not long-lasting, and will likely melt away as you adjust to your new program.

(I made a very similar decision and it's helped me to think of it this way!)

[CarlieE]

Perhaps the feelings of regret will fade away once you begin your new program; you'll be reminded of the good reasons why you decided to pick that option - as snes says above.

[splitends]

I got two good pieces of advice on this from friends:

1. (The advice I think many people will have heard): They're all good decisions-- no matter which you choose, it will be a good decision so there's no reason to worry no matter which you choose.

2. (A different twist on the same theme) You're going to regret it no matter which you choose (especially when you're at a difficult point, which you will experience no matter where you go). So there's no reason to worry no matter which you choose.

Either way: You made the right decision. Don't fret.

[comp12]

EB456, I was in almost an identical situation. School A for me was the one much higher NRC-"ranked" (although my field is a creative emphasis rather than pure research, rankings matter less per se, but School A had the bigger reputation with more well-known alumni in any case), whereas School B was the one close to home/family with a higher funding package, and still a good reputation albeit without the plethora of internationally renowned alumni like School A.

I ended up choosing school A for the reputation of the department and faculty and alumni. It was painful to down down school B since it had a more prestigious funding fellowship, and for like a whole 2 weeks after making the decision I was in agony over possibly making the wrong choice. However, I knew beforehand that it is in my nature to always play the "grass is greener" game, and I would've second guessed myself no matter what, much like splitend says.

In the recent few days, I've begun getting myself excited over the program I did pick, and I'm starting to feel much better. Like snes says, I'm focusing on why in fact I did pick this program in the first place, and deep down I know I made the smarter, more rational choice.

Anyways, congrats on having successfully navigated the application process, and good luck with your studies!

[OldGrad2012]

I was also in the same situation of having to choose between two schools. School A is a higher ranked in biological science according to US News and World Report and QS world report. School A is nearer to home and weather is much better. School A does not have the same professors which I liked according to research interests. School B is located in a remote location out of my home state. School B weather is very cold and snow in winter. School B living cost is lower than School A. The professors in school B has research interest that I like. But I ended up choosing School A for its location and weather over school B. I do not know if I had made a right decision and still fret over this decision. I feel horrible to turn down School B, but I had to choose between the two. But I agree with the comments above that whichever you choose, think that the "grass is always greener" on the school that you chose.

[ghanada]

Does anyone else hate how much "rankings" mess with the psychology of how we make our choices on grad schools? Even though everyone consistently says that rankings and name brand mean little in research degrees, it is so hard to separate that out. I know this actually matters for professional degrees, but in research it is supposed to just come down to the research itself (which makes logical sense).

And yet, I am a bit disappointed in myself for how subjected I get to these things and it bothers me that I care at all. I was in a similar but different situation in that I had to choose between a higher ranked program with low name recognition vs an ivy league with decent rank (top 15). I ultimately chose the non-ivy school based on research fit, but I was still saddened to turn down a (ivy undergrad) dream school.

And I agree with everyone else, you didn't have a bad choice here and I am sure you will be happy with your decision. Best to just look ahead and not worry about whether or not you did the right thing.

[aberrant]

Does anyone else hate how much "rankings" mess with the psychology of how we make our choices on grad schools? Even though everyone consistently says that rankings and name brand mean little in research degrees, it is so hard to separate that out. I know this actually matters for professional degrees, but in research it is supposed to just come down to the research itself (which makes logical sense).

I personally think that it's only hard if one cannot see past the not-so-meaningful ranking. Who one works for/with for his/her PhD means more than the name/reputation of the school.

[fosgfp]

Exact same situation here as well.

School A is close to home, well known, and had one specific prof who was like my research twin and we got along great in the interview and correspondance.

School B is basically number one in the field and has more resources as a program.

I picked school B... don't know if I made the right decision.

[genesisy]

I cried for an hour after I made my decision today.

I'm not sure what those tears were from? Relief? Sadness? Regret?

I still don't know if I made the right decision, but at least I made a decision.

Has anyone else cried like that?

I think it was because I was picking between somewhere I really preferred/wanted to go to and a school that I knew I would be stupid to reject. In the end the one I picked was the safer choice. I guess in this case I went with my head rather my heart. I wish I could have been more brave...but what's done is done, and I'm starting my PhD next year

Edited April 16, 2012 by genesisy

[EB456]

Thanks everyone! I suppose it is 'the grass is always greener' syndrome. I think the regret has to do with fear of the unknown in moving to a new city, and regretting not getting to work with the prof I got along so well with at the other school. I guess the best approach now is to try to focus on the positives of the new school and move forward!

[snes]

Yeah, it's been 24 hours since I officially decided and I'm still sick to my stomach. When it comes down to it, you've made a HUGE decision that'll last 5+ years, cut off all other possibilities in the process, and ended what seemed like an ERA of applying and waiting (where nothing was "real" yet and many paths were possible).

[stuart]

I felt sick to my stomach after mine too (two years ago). I woke up in a panic after having decided extremely late the night before (after a long, long drive). Reading these really brings back memories. My decision was a lot like yours, genesisy.

You guys will be OK. Try to relax and be happy again about where you're going.

[AnsuEmi]

I cried for an hour after I made my decision today.

I'm not sure what those tears were from? Relief? Sadness? Regret?

I still don't know if I made the right decision, but at least I made a decision.

Has anyone else cried like that?

Oh definitely. I spent part of Saturday lying face down on my bed with a pile of pillows on top of my head. And that's only for an MA program! I can't imagine having to make that decision for a PhD.

[Marshall]

I hadn't heard about funding from the program I OMGWANTEDTOGOTO until Friday (Apr 13) morning. I was stressed to high hell but then when I heard I was funded all of a sudden it was hard to send the e-mail letting them know I accepted the offer. Then, after I finally did, I kept asking my husband if it was the right choice.

Of course it is but it's such a huge decision that I think doubt is inevitable.

[TMP]

I can relate to a lot of these posts. Both of my options were fantastic. I really couldn't go *wrong* with either of them knowing that I'd make the most of my time. My adviser made the decision seem so simple, "Who do you REALLY want to work with?" Instinctively, I said X, knowing that Y's interests and personality weren't really all that compatible with my own. Then she said, "That's your decision. You can do A, B, and C with X, you can't do those with Y..." She made the whole thing so tempting that I couldn't argue. It was... so... weird... that the decision was.made just like that.

But when the time did come to breaking the news to both of X and Y (about a week ago). While I felt elated about X (she makes me world feel complete!), the sadness came over me about turning down Y. I felt like I was kicking a can around- "Why did I have to say no to him? Why did I turn down that amazing fellowship? I loved the community there... but could he really be a better adviser for what I want to do?" I knew I made the right decision for my career but just couldn't shake off the memory of watching that Y's face as I broke the bad news to him over video chat. I began thinking of all possible ways to keep him involved, etc. I sought out different perspectives on why he didn't respond to my follow-up e-mail and one friend finally said, "Well, what else is there to say?"

I think all of these feelings are normal when we've had to face very tough decisions that we knew couldn't be wrong. We just want everything

but we can't. Somebody has to win. As a number of people pointed out to me, we will all become colleagues so we will have opportunities to interact with people at the other place in the future. Just not now. In that way, there's really no regret. For example, I had one dream program that I just couldn't apply to this year and I almost regretted not just going through with the application anyway. But I realized that it was truly for the best- I only wanted the professors, not really anything else though I knew the program was very good. Now one of them has become my mentor and, honestly, I'm just thrilled with it. Who needs that program? Even if I got in, it'd be tough to turn it down but I know that I would be able to.

The feelings are mostly gone and are being replaced by the panic over finding housing!

[echolikebells]

I am definitely feeling this. I cried like a baby when writing the email to turn down the offer from the (better ranked and much preferred originally) program I decided not to go to. I keep telling myself that my program is the best possible program for someone looking to teach in Ohio, that is is $45,000 cheaper, that it is shorter. It has still put me in a funk that I'm having a hard time kicking.

[swils]

This is just making me real nervous. I have to decide (pretty much by tomorrow!) between 3 nice schools. School A is a small college program. The program seems to fit best with my interests and has some great partnerships in the community. However, it's about twice as expensive, the farthest away, and I didn't feel as at home in the city. School B has a strong program, and also has some good ties in its city. It's the middle of the road as far as distance and cost, and I'd finish in 3 semesters. The city was fun. School C is only five hours away, the cheapest program by far (due to reciprocity) but similarly ranked in the field. I liked the city and the school.

Due to finances, I'm leaning to school B or C, but A was the first one that really caught my attention, and I feel like I have this weird loyalty to it. Does that make sense? It would be like breaking it off with my first crush. I'm sure I will be a mess tomorrow night, any way I choose. I keep waiting for that "this is right" feeling, but I've never been too good at getting that.

Here's to decisions!

[dancer1]

Dealing with the same situation.

School A is more prestigious, amazing faculty and I just got that good gut feeling when I visited/auditiond. Fully funded, not stipend.

School B has the research program I am interested in, nurturing faculty but small less known program, Close to family and friends and a stipend.

Fighting with myself every day about where to go, having nightmares. Not fun. Have until Monday to figure it out.

[mallow]

Feeling pretty unsure but waiting some time to let the whole thing sink in. I think I may have made the decision for the wrong reasons, though - or partially. What happens if you change your mind? I guess just inform the director asap and know that someone will be happy to get off the wait-list.

[swils]

A follow up to my last.

Last Thursday, I was out with my boyfriend and his friend, enjoying a tasy adult bevearge. As the night went on and I was feeling pretty good I said, "I think I'm gonna do it. I'm going to choose school B. I'm just going to do it. Why not?" Toasts were made, I texted my parents, and I went to sleep, still unofficial. The next morning, I woke up with completely cold feet (not a hangover, I swear). Before I went to work, I sent out about five last-minute emails to different people at the two schools I was deciding between, asking specific questions about their prorams and whether they thought my interests would fit in. It was a major identity crisis, culminating in "do I even want to go to grad school?" (The horror!)

After several email exchanges and a day of research and thinking it over, I had changed my mind completely and decided on School C. I slept on it, got up the next morning, and made it official. I still feel great about it. So I guess I didn't completely work myself into a tizzy so much that I freaked out at any decision. Or maybe I did, and just got it out of my system before I picked the "right" school. I don't know. In retrospect, though, the things that were drawing me to school B had less to do with the program, and more with my experience in the city. I feel good that I eventually picked the program with the best academic fit.

It all seems so clear in hindsight. I guess that's how the game works. ; ) Good luck, all.

[RockStar]

Today, I can laugh at this thread.

I made my decision like a month ago (forced by the hand of a very aggressive school). I finally chose and was sick to my stomach and depressed for like a week and a half. Today, I'm on cloud 9 happy and excited about the decision I made. I think it's like losing a little part of yourself when you turn down a school you could really see yourself attending. Now you no longer have that option. But if you just move forward and focus on the choice that you did make you will find your happy place .