Self-doubt: Am I too hard on myself?

[MoleMocha]

Hi guys! I just need to vent for a minute, and any responses or advice will be highly appreciated.

I am at the end of my second year in my PhD program, meaning I am finishing up the last of my classes. I thought my confidence would increase as I go through the program, but lately it seems to be getting worse. I don't know what's wrong with me, really. I have a lot going for me - I'm funded on a fellowship for two more years. I am finishing classes and so far have all A's except for one B. I passed my proposal defense and will be taking comps in the fall, then I will be ABD. I have a lot of professional contacts, I work for a non-profit as extracurricular "service" credit, and I have two publications in the works which I have presented at a number of conferences.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm just not good enough. My advisor has freaked out on me a couple of times (not this semester, thankfully), so I am so afraid of disappointing her. I have a week to finish up my semester-long project for her class - I put some work in on it during the semester, but I am still down to crunch-time and kicking myself for not getting more done sooner. I had to present my research in the final class yesterday, and I was the last one to go (we went in pre-determined order). By the time I listened to everyone else's presentations (and sucked down a medium iced coffee), I was completely nervous, jittery, and just convinced that my project is crap. My presentation was terrible. Ok, everyone else told me it was fine, but I know I could have done better and I am just so frustrated with myself!

Some feedback would be really nice from my fellow grads - am I the only one who gets like this? Am I the only one who comes down to crunch-time with semester projects? Who gets frustrated when they don't do as well as they would have liked on a presentation? Deep down I know I'm not, but there's this little voice in my head saying "you're in graduate school! You have to do a A++++ job on everything!! Don't fail!! You're never going to succeed at this or anything if you don't start being more productive!!! Aaagh!!"

*sigh*

[TheSquirrel]

Hi guys! I just need to vent for a minute, and any responses or advice will be highly appreciated.

I am at the end of my second year in my PhD program, meaning I am finishing up the last of my classes. I thought my confidence would increase as I go through the program, but lately it seems to be getting worse. I don't know what's wrong with me, really. I have a lot going for me - I'm funded on a fellowship for two more years. I am finishing classes and so far have all A's except for one B. I passed my proposal defense and will be taking comps in the fall, then I will be ABD. I have a lot of professional contacts, I work for a non-profit as extracurricular "service" credit, and I have two publications in the works which I have presented at a number of conferences.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm just not good enough. My advisor has freaked out on me a couple of times (not this semester, thankfully), so I am so afraid of disappointing her. I have a week to finish up my semester-long project for her class - I put some work in on it during the semester, but I am still down to crunch-time and kicking myself for not getting more done sooner. I had to present my research in the final class yesterday, and I was the last one to go (we went in pre-determined order). By the time I listened to everyone else's presentations (and sucked down a medium iced coffee), I was completely nervous, jittery, and just convinced that my project is crap. My presentation was terrible. Ok, everyone else told me it was fine, but I know I could have done better and I am just so frustrated with myself!

Some feedback would be really nice from my fellow grads - am I the only one who gets like this? Am I the only one who comes down to crunch-time with semester projects? Who gets frustrated when they don't do as well as they would have liked on a presentation? Deep down I know I'm not, but there's this little voice in my head saying "you're in graduate school! You have to do a A++++ job on everything!! Don't fail!! You're never going to succeed at this or anything if you don't start being more productive!!! Aaagh!!"

*sigh*

No no, you are not the only one who feels like this. Trust me.

My supervisor is very demanding as well, and he freaked out on me a couple of times during my coursework last semester. I was taking a class with him and had a presentation and after my presentation he asked me to come in and talk with him about how it went. And he completely thrashed me...... I was sitting there trying to hold back the tears. He said, next time, I am expecting you to do a great job on your presentation. The next presentation was much better, and he was rather pleased, but told me that I could've done better.... but at least he didn't wipe the floor with me.... so yes, I totally feel the pain, but even though it's stressful, on the bright side, you will come out being a better candidate/prof/scholar at the end of it. At least one would hope so. I really don't know. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't have it in me, that no matter how hard I try, others, with minimal effort, do better than me. But that's life. Ah well.

Edited May 2, 2012 by TheSquirrel

[MoleMocha]

Hi Squirrel! Thank you so much for your response. I had a very similar experience last semester - I did a bad job on a presentation, and the next day got a pretty angry letter from my advisor. It was right before Thanksgiving, so I had to wait the entire break to talk to her! I think you're right - on the one hand, having someone pushing me will make me better. On the other hand, I've never doubted myself so much. I know it sounds cliche, but I guess I just have to believe in myself! And relax :-)

Good luck with everything - we'll be done with all of this someday!!

[space.cadet]

I'd recommend reading this article.

[imonedaful]

The reason most of us are in graduate school is because we are not good at settling. That is why we will always be a little be on edge because we always feel like we can do more and be better. If you didn't feel like you were hard on yourself, something would be wrong. So, feeling like that is normal. However, do not let that feeling sabotage what you have accomplished. You should reward yourself for small things (i.e. you got an A on a really hard paper, take yourself out to dinner) and make sure you acknowledge what you have achieved so far. As for the things you feel you are not where you want to be, put in a little more effort but do it efficiently so you are not working a lot and producing little.

Comparing yourself to other students will never get you anywhere. Everybody's situation and abilities are unique and if you used that time to improve upon yourself you would have no time to compare to others!

[Lola Wants]

I definitely understand the self-doubt and the bad thing about it is that it never ceases! I lead a discussion in class this semester and it was horrible. I literally cried afterwards because I felt I had done so terrible. Another professor assured me that my academic career was not over and that I should take steps to do better next time. It was made clear to me that being able to accurately assess my work was a good quality and that I was fortunate enough to have it. Critiquing yourself is normal and it should be done because it is through this self-analysis that you improve. Your advisor will not always be able to tell you what you did wrong so it is good to be able to recognize what you are doing wrong or right. You seem like you are on track in terms of your grades and the completion of all the steps for candidacy so I would not linger too long on this self-doubt. Good luck to you though!

[crazygirl2012]

It sounds like you're doing great! I'd echo what everyone else has said. Also, is your advisor the type to snap at people when she gets stressed? I don't know the situations in which she freaked out on you, but they were probably not entirely a reflection on you.

[tocs1]

Summary: You're doing great. Stop letting people's bad attitudes get to you.

Note: Some people have no manners and/or are cooky. Being in the academia is weakly negatively correlated with former and moderately positively correlated with the latter.

[TheFez]

Sounds like you need a Stuart Smalley daily affirmation... look into the mirror and say "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it - people like me."

[coonskee]

Sounds like you need a Stuart Smalley daily affirmation... look into the mirror and say "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it - people like me."

I have a sneaking suspicion this will be written above my bedroom mirror once I start grad school.

[ladyling]

Oh, you're definitely not alone. I've been crippled by self-doubt many times this quarter. I'm finishing up finals this week, and every day I spend at least an hour psyching myself up to write because otherwise, I will be paralyzed by the fear that my work just isn't good enough. Roughly, it goes like this: "it doesn't have to be perfect. it doesn't even have to be good. think of this as a draft. etc."

Calmingmanatee.com also helps:

[MoJingly]

Calmingmanatee.com also helps:

Points for this website! It definitely made me smile.

[APalacios]

you is kind. you is smart. you is important.