Reasons faculty do NOT give students they KNOW letters of recommendation

[Ennue]

You told him (convinced him!) that you would stay with him for your PhD. So yes, I personally think keeping your word would be best right now, unless your working relationship is bad (but he seems to be doing his best for you).

If you want to look at other programs, you will need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him you changed your mind. However, that would reflect badly on you. You can still ask him for a LoR in the distant future, when you'll need it for applying for postdoc jobs.

Definitely, definitely do NOT pretend you're going to stay with him until the last minute and then change to a different advisor. That is the worst idea ever. Either decide you want to apply elsewhere and tell him, or decide you will stay where you are.

[neuroingrid]

You told him (convinced him!) that you would stay with him for your PhD. So yes, I personally think keeping your word would be best right now, unless your working relationship is bad (but he seems to be doing his best for you).

If you want to look at other programs, you will need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him you changed your mind. However, that would reflect badly on you. You can still ask him for a LoR in the distant future, when you'll need it for applying for postdoc jobs.

Definitely, definitely do NOT pretend you're going to stay with him until the last minute and then change to a different advisor. That is the worst idea ever. Either decide you want to apply elsewhere and tell him, or decide you will stay where you are.

See, one of the reasons I am hesitant to work with him is because although he is brilliant, he is a bit eccentric. As a woman, I feel uncomfortable working with him. I would be the first woman to work with him, and if I end up doing my PhD under him, I'd be the first woman to have had him as my mentor.

Since this is the place I know for sure he isn't and will not find me, I am not just uncomfortable, but also scared to work with him. Sometimes he calls me to his office and wants me to close the door. And then its just the two of us inside his narrow office. I feel he gives me undue attention, and others are starting to notice it. He is a married gentleman with 2 daughters, the eldest being three year younger than me, I don't like the way he talks to me and looks at me, and once he wrote to me in an email to consider him a 'friend'. Well, there has been a lot that has gone on, and sometimes I don't feel like I can handle it anymore. Even today, he told me to not wear sleeveless (he is possessive of me), while other young women who do not work with him can dress up anyway they feel like, and he is just not bothered.

The reason I wanted a letter of recommendation was because, I don't want all the work that I have done go down the drain and want to be recognized for it..

[Usmivka]

This is rapidly going down the rabbit hole. I'm not aiming to be mean or insensitive, I'm just finding this sequence hard to treat credibly.

Folks have given you very reasonable advice for the problem you presented in the opening post. Follow it or don't.

What you are bringing up now is a new and more serious issue, which is whether you and your prof do not have effective professional boundaries. But based this whole series of posts, you seem to be reading a whole lot into this guy (paraphrasing, 'hurt/fearful expression' from opening post, "he is possessive of me" above). It is hard to tell whether there is a problem here, or if you are making something out of nothing. Your tendency towards hyperbole, tangents, and social awkwardness in these posts makes me suspect the latter.

However, if your prof actually is treating you possessively and looking/speaking to you inappropriately, you need to take this up right away with your University ethics panel or department chair. If you have an ombudsman you could talk to him/her in confidence first to confirm that others perceive this situation the same way you do, and you aren't about to drag both of you into an unpleasant situation.

[ktel]

To address the professional boundaries problem you have just brought up, I know my university has a person in charge of dealing with sexual harassment and similar issues. You can speak to her 100% confidentially. Hopefully your university might have something similar, and if so, it would be a good place to start.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I just feel bad for this professor if this is all a complete misunderstanding. The OP's credibility diminishes per post and this professor has went from a respected man to a potential creep in a matter of two pages. I really don't know if I can take this thread seriously anymore. I think I'll stop feeding the troll now.

[lilam]

Is this for real?

[Hank Scorpio]

Well you made a social mess.

This may be the thing that makes me laugh the hardest all week, and it's only Sunday.

Anyway, this thread does, like everyone above says, seem odd. I'm not going to repeat the good advice that's already been given by everybody who responded to the OP's first post, but it is at least mildly amusing that every time someone makes a suggestion to the OP, another new piece of "evidence" (for lack of a better term) is introduced.

[neuroingrid]

I'm back after a long time. My first publication is out, second one will be out soon, and the same professor who was reluctant to write me a letter of recommendation has now urged me to apply to the PhD Program under him. He has told me that I should apply to the PhD Program and start applying for grants and scholarships. And if I choose to do my PhD elsewhere, he is certainly not going to provide me with a letter of recommendation. He actually told me that. So now I think I have no other choice

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'm back after a long time. My first publication is out, second one will be out soon, and the same professor who was reluctant to write me a letter of recommendation has now urged me to apply to the PhD Program under him. He has told me that I should apply to the PhD Program and start applying for grants and scholarships. And if I choose to do my PhD elsewhere, he is certainly not going to provide me with a letter of recommendation. He actually told me that. So now I think I have no other choice

The reason I question why I'm in academics. They'll publish anybody.

[spunkrag]

I'm back after a long time. My first publication is out, second one will be out soon, and the same professor who was reluctant to write me a letter of recommendation has now urged me to apply to the PhD Program under him. He has told me that I should apply to the PhD Program and start applying for grants and scholarships. And if I choose to do my PhD elsewhere, he is certainly not going to provide me with a letter of recommendation. He actually told me that. So now I think I have no other choice

It is because we sent him this thread.

[asleepawake]

What kind of victim-blaming BS thread is this?

It is true there is plenty of awkwardness going on up in here, but I think this is a language and cultural barrier more than a sign that the OP is a troll as others seem to be inferring. It does, however, sound like the OP is being sexually harassed at worst, and professionally intimated at best.

Why does nobody seem to have a problem with him asking her to close the door, telling her how to dress, dictating the future of her career by withholding letters despite positive things to say, etc?

To the OP: Can you apply to PhDs elsewhere with letters from others you have worked with except this person? You should not be working with someone who makes you so uncomfortable. Maybe you can speak to someone on campus who can help you assert your boundaries and request a letter.

Edited October 12, 2012 by asleepawake

[Usmivka]

You're going to bring this back to life now? Clearly you did not read all the previous posts or the evolution of this topic, otherwise you wouldn't be so quick chastise the many on this thread who made solid suggestions and commiserated with the OPers situation. I certainly start from the assumption that everything written by a poster is true and honest, and we tried to give solid help and present alternative explanations consistent with the information provided. That included suggestions about who to talk to and how to extricate from the situation if there was sexual harassment or any other type of unprofessional behavior at play--all of which was ignored. Don't trash the thread and those of us who put a lot of thought into this because you only read the last several posts. If I went by that criteria many of the threads on the forum would be drivel.

Edited October 12, 2012 by Usmivka

[asleepawake]

You're going to bring this back to life now? Clearly you did not read all the previous posts or the evolution of this topic, otherwise you wouldn't be so quick chastise the many on this thread who made solid suggestions and commiserated with the OPers situation. I certainly start from the assumption that everything written by a poster is true and honest, and we tried to give solid help and present alternative explanations consistent with the information provided. That included suggestions about who to talk to and how to extricate from the situation if there was sexual harassment or any other type of unprofessional behavior at play--all of which was ignored. Don't trash the thread and those of us who put a lot of thought into this because you only read the last several posts. If I went by that criteria many of the threads on the forum would be drivel.

I did not revive this thread. Spunkrag did. And yes, I read the entire thread, and I still think that everyone is A) Mistaking cultural and language barriers as a sign that the OP is deliberately manipulating conversation as a troll, and B ) not especially concerned with allegations of sexual harassment and professional intimidation. You are the only person who DID address the sexual harassment claim, so I wasn't really responding to you. Sexual harassment and intimidation are real problems that women experience in academia. I was referring to other commenters in my last post, who completely ignored these claims entirely in favor of talking down to the OP like she were a child.

Edited October 12, 2012 by asleepawake

[ktel]

I did not revive this thread. Spunkrag did. And yes, I read the entire thread, and I still think that everyone is A) Mistaking cultural and language barriers as a sign that the OP is deliberately manipulating conversation as a troll, and B ) not especially concerned with allegations of sexual harassment and professional intimidation. You are the only person who DID address the sexual harassment claim, so I wasn't really responding to you. Sexual harassment and intimidation are real problems that women experience in academia. I was referring to other commenters in my last post, who completely ignored these claims entirely in favor of talking down to the OP like she were a child.

I'm pretty sure I addressed it too...

[asleepawake]

I'm pretty sure I addressed it too...

Yes, you did. Sorry. When I made my last comment I forgotten this. I apologize.