Making good friends in grad school?

[cat0tail]

So I read this article on the NYT about how hard it is to make friends when we grow older:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?pagewanted=all

It is all so true my closest friends are still the ones from my college and high school, even after 3 years of working. So what is the chance of making good friends in grad school? Does it resemble work environment or college more?

I'm not in America now but may live in America for quite sometime in the future so that's why I kind of want to go to grad school to gain some friends (secondary reason of course) instead of going straight to work as I know the chance of making friends in work place is pretty slim. Is this too naive coz people in grad school will be more career-minded and it is nowhere like college with all the conditions for making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions?

[TropicalCharlie]

Like anything in life, I think that grad school will be what you make of it regardless of the atmosphere of your program. Generally, if you're the type of person who easily makes friends, then it should not be an issue. If you're shy, then you'd have to find a coping mechanism that allows you to overcome it enough and put yourself out there a bit (speaking from personal experience). When friendships are formed, I doubt that people foresee a life-long friendship, initially. I think it's more like, hey, so and so is pretty cool and fun to hang out with. From there, you build on that foundation. Whether this friendship extends beyond grad school is determined by what you and your friends make of it.

[Sigaba]

Luck can play a role as well. If you are part of an incoming class that has great chemistry, you may have more opportunities to develop lasting friendships.

[Dal PhDer]

Interesting...I would say my closest friends are the friends I have made through my MAs and the last few years.

As the others have said, I think friendships are formed through luck, how you live your life, and certain situational factors. If you are open to friendships and as the article says are not "picky" you will find many people who want to have a friendship, and some of those will turn into serious longterm relationships.

[hejduk]

Making friends in a PhD program is horrible hard... at least where I am. Sure, we all attend some of the same classes, but the majority of us are married, and just want to go home and veg after class. Sitting in an office all semester is really isolating! Here's to hoping I either find more energy, or we have more social students in the incoming class!

[lydibird]

I second that friendship has a lot to do with luck.

In undergrad I met a lot of people who I thought would make great friends: similar interests, had ambition, focused, enjoyed school, good conversationalists about things I care about. etc. Surprisingly, the only really good friend I made was the roommate I was randomly assigned sophomore year. It took us several months to warm up to each other but once we started to get to know each other past the surface we quickly became "best friends." In my experience the people you set out to be friends with rarely become quality, life-long, intimate friendships.

Just go out and meet as many people as you can- inside and outside of your program. There are several threads hanging around about dating and a lot of the advice given is simply how to meet people in general. Apply that advice and expand your circle. If you have a good time with specific people, keep doing things together and let the friendship build naturally.

Be proactive. Don't expect other people to make plans with you. Instead be the person who makes the plans (at least a first, after a while it should be a roughly equal effort).

[cat0tail]

thanks for all the thoughts guys! Seems like everything in life luck needs to meet efforts . That piece about applying dating technique sounds legit .

But say if I want to maximize my chance, is there such a thing like "Boston students are more laid back than Washington" or "development students are more easy-going than public policy"? I know this is a sweeping over-generalization but what do you think? (and I'm not choosing school based entirely on this but just wondering )

[Frostfire]

This is the sort of thing that's going to depend on several factors. First and foremost, there's you. If you're the sort to make friends and/or socialize easily, then you're likely to have a better shot than someone who's shy or less social. Factor #2 is going to be your grad program. Some are really, really small, so there's a "lottery" feel to it. Some are larger, but that's not necessarily going to help. If the program is competitive (within the program, not from an admissions standpoint) that can seriously hamper any comraderie or friendship opportunities. Another big factor, often overlooked, is location. As in your location in relation to your school. If you're living far from campus, that brings serious challenges.

I spent my undergrad years commuting 2 hours (each way) to campus. I was also dealing with public transit schedules, which meant that I was always, always, ALWAYS aware of the clock. Some areas are better than others, but when you're watching the clock and buzzing out of there to catch the train (or whatever), it really limits your ability to hang out. Which is a much bigger factor than most people acknowledge. The difference between the 2 hour, tightly scheduled commute and my current 30-45 minute commute that only becomes time sensitive after about 11:30pm is, quite simply, staggering.

So part of it is planning, part of it is luck, and part of it is opening yourself up to opportunity.

[Eigen]

While I'm still probably closer to some of my friends from childhood, high school and undergrad, I've made a lot of friends in grad school that I think I'll probably be keep up with better, especially because they're both friends and colleagues.

Two of the people I'd consider my closest friends were in my cohort. Different fields, same general discipline.

The rest of our department is quite a mess of people from pretty much every different background, but there's a pretty consistent group of 15-20 domestic students that are all pretty close. We hang out a lot during the day and week, and probably do something out or at someones house every month or two.

The way our research facilities are set up, it's also pretty easy to get to know a lot of the grad students in other departments as well. We also have a really energetic graduate student organization that makes it easy to meet other grad students and hit it off.

I think the way grad school, especially in the lab sciences works out, it's a lot more contact than the usual job, but not such close working conditions that you tend to spend so much time together professionally that you don't want to hang out personally.

[Usmivka]

I'll give you a generalization, with all the caveats that go with generalizations: departments with common office areas and shared lab spaces seem to be friendlier. By this I mean a) all the offices are concentrated in one part of the floor or building, not hidden away at the back of individual labs, and b ) the folks that interact with each other more in large, open floor plan labs (for example three "labs" in one long room) seem to make friends quickly, perhaps because they are forced to be more socially conscious by the shared space.

The first point I think is generally applicable. The second is definitely biased towards fields with physical lab facilities, as opposed to work that is more solitary by nature, like programming or writing.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Usmivka

[Hank Scorpio]

the majority of us are married

The sure sign of being in America. People get married so much younger there than in Canada.

I know that is an off-topic comment, but that's just what came to mind reading through.

[katerific]

The sure sign of being in America. People get married so much younger there than in Canada.

I know that is an off-topic comment, but that's just what came to mind reading through.

I'm 23 and a spinster. I ain't even mad.

Edited July 23, 2012 by katerific

[MissMoneyJenny]

I'm 23 and a spinster. I ain't even mad.

I didn't even think you could be a spinster at 23 . . . O-O

[Dal PhDer]

If you're a spinster at 23, I don't even want to begin to think about what that must make me.....crazy cat lady?

[Hank Scorpio]

If you're a spinster at 23, I don't even want to begin to think about what that must make me.....crazy cat lady?

Indeed! What does that make me at 29? I crazy cat guy?

[Dal PhDer]

Indeed! What does that make me at 29? I crazy cat guy?

29??!!! Geez...youz so old, you've moved past "crazy cat guy" onto "British Muesum Artifact"!

*sigh*...I'll be there in less than a year!

[margarethale]

step #1) make dr. who references

step #2) befriend the people who get them

[Hank Scorpio]

29??!!! Geez...youz so old, you've moved past "crazy cat guy" onto "British Muesum Artifact"!

*sigh*...I'll be there in less than a year!

And I'ma be 30 in 5 months....

[Hank Scorpio]

step #1) make dr. who references

step #2) befriend the people who get them

That's the ticket right there.

[MissMoneyJenny]

step #1) make dr. who references

step #2) befriend the people who get them

Seems like a plan

[eco_env]

I made my first friend since elementary school in grad school, but not IN grad school. (I mean I didn't meet her through my grad program; I met her through other activites that were not associated with my grad school).

[juilletmercredi]

My closest friends are the ones I made while in graduate school. I still talk to some friends from college and high school, but the ones I actually engage with are grad school friends. I did things to find friends in graduate school, though. I went to the mixers, I hung out with the master's students (I'm a PhD student), I joined student groups, I worked in residence life. You can't hide in your office all weekend and expect to have friends - we're all busy, but come out for a margarita once in a while

I disagree with this article, because I think it really depends on the experiences you have. I wasn't a joiner in college and I was far too involved with my boyfriend at the time to make any really close, lasting relationships (or join a sorority, which I really wanted to do). I came up for air, so to speak, once I got older and realized that it was possible to be in love without being attached to someone. My friendships post-college are much more meaningful and deep. If I were having a crisis, the friends I would call are all friends I made in graduate school. I also became more sure of myself and confident in my personal identity in graduate school, which made it easier for me to make friends because I have no shame and I am not at all shy. I feel BETTER able to have meaningful friendships, not less.

[Dal PhDer]

I completely agree with Juillet. I think grad school has changed me a lot and made me see what I value in friends and more confident in myself.