Moving In...with Mom

[elietrask]

I've been waking up to pangs of anxiety -- heart's literally pounding right now -- at the thought of spending an entire week alone with my mother, who insists that we need all that time to move into my new apartment before I start my PhD program (she's flying up with me). I, on the other hand, am doing this completely for her. I've moved in and out of my dorms and apartments all throughout college by myself. But all of a sudden, because this is a "real" abode, she thinks I need her help. I love my mother, but too much time with her and I go crazy. (Don't we all?)

My friends say, "Don't be a jerk. Just let her do it. Pretend you need her. This will be her last chance to be a mom." And I'm sure some smart a$$ on here will make an off-putting comment about my whining- but man, if you knew my mother... When I'm back home and out with friends, she calls in tears b/c she's worried I'm doing something bad (like shooting up, or drinking alcohol, or worse, SMOKING CIGARETTES).

I'm already the youngest in my cohort. I feel like Britney, bringing along Mama to help set up. But is that just fine? Do mothers help their adult kids move in? I really need her to let go, but if this is really important to her, I also really need to bite my tongue and just do it, right? What are all your situations this coming migration?

Loved, suffocated, and trying real hard to be grateful,

Elie

Edited August 11, 2012 by elietrask

[wildviolet]

I understand. My parents would have wanted to come with me, too, if I had let them. Your parents will always be your parents no matter what your age (well, that is until things turn around and you have to start taking care of them). I say let her have her week with you, and don't worry about it too much. I'm saying this as a mom of a little boy. They really do grow up too fast.

[elietrask]

Thanks for the comforting words, wildviolet. That's really sweet.

[fuzzylogician]

Your mom will always be your mom and she will always want to help you. I say you let her and don't worry about it too much. Do it for her, in return for all the things she's done for you. For me, my parents didn't help me move because I moved overseas but they helped with the logistics of getting over here and then they visited me about a month after I moved and helped get me settled in with things I didn't buy right away. We rented a car and went on a trip to ikea to get small things for the kitchen and living room -- it was nothing I really needed, but I know they felt better for helping. I, on the other hand, am very grateful to know that there is someone out there who will always have my back, wherever I go and whatever I do.

[kyjin]

Your mother is just trying to help. I know you'd prefer her not to come, but this is her way of helping you out into the world. My mother also came and helped me move in when I came to graduate school. This was my second real apartment, but she couldn't help the first time because it was in Japan. There are a few others in my cohort whose mothers flew in with them and helped them set up, so I think it's more common than you think.

[rising_star]

Honestly, let her help you, especially when it comes to the financial aspect of setting up a new apartment. When I moved for my PhD program, my mom and my aunt were both there. My mom flew out and my aunt helped me out on the cross-country drive. And, while they did get on my nerves, leading to a few big arguments, in the end I really appreciated their help.

[juilletmercredi]

Her last chance to be a mom? Being a mom doesn't mean helping you with stuff all the time. She's still your mother regardless of what she is doing, and her last chance to be a mother will be the day her last child dies. My mother has never helped me (physically) move into a space beyond my first res hall in college, but she's been my mother in other more important ways. The mothering relationship simply changes as one grows older.

I have a slightly different perspective than the rest of the commenters. Your mother may really want to help you, but honestly, I think that you need to consider your needs as well. If you don't mind and are only afraid of looking young and being annoyed, then go ahead and let her. But if you want to embark on this new identity and place on your own, and really need to do this independently, then gently tell her that you appreciate all of her caring but that you'd really rather do this by yourself because it's time for you to fly the nest now. Your mother will always be your mother, and will never lose her parent role. It's just that the things she does for you as a parent will change over time as you get older. She needs to learn to accept that, and if she's having trouble with it perhaps you have to give her a little push.

[wildviolet]

I have a slightly different perspective than the rest of the commenters. Your mother may really want to help you, but honestly, I think that you need to consider your needs as well.

You have an interesting perspective here.

How you view your parents has a lot to do with cultural upbringing. In my culture, we are taught to respect our elders. We show this by using proper names like Aunt or Uncle (not just first names), serving elders first, and listening (not talking back). However, having grown up in America and wanting my freedom and independence, I have broken my mother's heart several times by moving across the country for school or marrying someone outside the culture. If she wants to help me load my car, if she wants to pack me a lunch for the road, then I'm going to let her. I have the rest of my life to be free and independent. And when she dies, I'm really going to miss her.

[QxV]

You have an interesting perspective here.

How you view your parents has a lot to do with cultural upbringing. In my culture, we are taught to respect our elders. We show this by using proper names like Aunt or Uncle (not just first names), serving elders first, and listening (not talking back). However, having grown up in America and wanting my freedom and independence, I have broken my mother's heart several times by moving across the country for school or marrying someone outside the culture. If she wants to help me load my car, if she wants to pack me a lunch for the road, then I'm going to let her. I have the rest of my life to be free and independent. And when she dies, I'm really going to miss her.

I grew up in that culture too - perhaps more so than you (I'm Singaporean). I dealt with it by putting a 12 hour time difference between myself and my family. Best decision I ever made, but YMMV.

Edited August 12, 2012 by QxV

[ZeChocMoose]

I am going to agree with juilletmercredi. Moving can be a very stressful experience (especially if it is from a long distance). If you think your mom is going to add to that stress and not alleviate it -- I would thank her graciously and plan for a time that she can visit in the near future. Most likely that will be better quality time with your mom anyways and you'll be settled enough to be able to show her around to your favorite places and to the university.

Also-- one week is a long time for *anyone* to help you move especially if your place has no furniture and you are going to be sleeping on the floor/air mattress until you can furnish the place. That can get old pretty quickly especially if you are stuck in a situation where you and your mom are not getting along so well.

[1Q84]

But if you want to embark on this new identity and place on your own, and really need to do this independently, then gently tell her that you appreciate all of her caring but that you'd really rather do this by yourself because it's time for you to fly the nest now.

If you think your mom is going to add to that stress and not alleviate it -- I would thank her graciously and plan for a time that she can visit in the near future.

You have an interesting perspective here.

How you view your parents has a lot to do with cultural upbringing. In my culture, we are taught to respect our elders. We show this by using proper names like Aunt or Uncle (not just first names), serving elders first, and listening (not talking back). However, having grown up in America and wanting my freedom and independence, I have broken my mother's heart several times by moving across the country for school or marrying someone outside the culture. If she wants to help me load my car, if she wants to pack me a lunch for the road, then I'm going to let her. I have the rest of my life to be free and independent. And when she dies, I'm really going to miss her.

I grew up in that culture too - perhaps more so than you (I'm Singaporean). I dealt with it by putting a 12 hour time difference between myself and my family. Best decision I ever made, but YMMV.

Very interesting indeed! I wish my relationship with my mother could be as julliettmercredi and zechocmoose described.

I'm Asian so definitely have more of an experience similar to wildviolet and QxV. The thought of even sitting down with my mom and saying, "I respect you but you need to give me space" is just unimaginable. Definitely a cultural difference... and stuff like in the first two quotes are what, I find, a lot of Asian parents consistently point to as the "corruption of Asian culture by the West". Ahem. I, of course, do not agree.

[Dal PhDer]

Hmm...this is an interesting discussion. I think it depends a lot on your relationship with your parent.

What I might do is suggest she comes down towards the end of the week so that you're all settled in but she can help you do the 'putting together' of the place. I think your mom just wants to feel needed. While this is a stressful time for you, I think it might be nice of you to also consider that this is a hard time for her. The other thing is, if you tell her not to come, and she gets upset, that might be more stressful for you. If you suggest she comes, but more on your terms - like to help you pick out some fun moving in stuff and decorating (and groceries!), that will probably make her feel really needed.

I would try and look at it in a way that it's nice your mom wants to help you out and settle you in! She might be a bit overwhelming, but that's what parents do!

[ZeChocMoose]

What I might do is suggest she comes down towards the end of the week so that you're all settled in but she can help you do the 'putting together' of the place. I think your mom just wants to feel needed. While this is a stressful time for you, I think it might be nice of you to also consider that this is a hard time for her. The other thing is, if you tell her not to come, and she gets upset, that might be more stressful for you. If you suggest she comes, but more on your terms - like to help you pick out some fun moving in stuff and decorating (and groceries!), that will probably make her feel really needed.

This is a great compromise. Since it sounds like you are going straight from college into your PhD, it might be harder for her to see you as an adult and she wants to help you settle in to help alleviate some of her fears (possibly).

If she does end up coming the whole week, I won't worry about what your cohort thinks. It is really unlikely that they would know or if you do discuss it, I doubt it will be an issue. My cohort mates are a range of ages and had different people helping them get settled into the new city.

[Dal PhDer]

I agree with ZeChocMoose- your cohort won't care.

One month into my PhD I moved back home with my mom. No one cared, in fact- most people were jealous! I owned that move like nothing else, and really enjoyed my time back home...but I have to admit, I enjoy my time in my apartment alone much more!

You will find that in graduate school, you will meet a wide range of people from various backgrounds. You are at a place and stage in your life where people's opinions of you are going to be based on your work and academic interactions- not on the presence of your mother during the first week of a major life step!!

[Vader Was Framed]

Well my mom writes my publications for me ... And my dad can beat up your dad!

Don't fret it elie - I echo most everyone's advice. Just mom being mom! My mom helped my wife and I drive cross country for a move. She was certainly a huge help, but it wasn't necessary. But as it turned out, she got to spend some great alone time with my wife (I was driving in another vehicle listening to Lord of the Rings on tape - which was epic). Savor the moment, soon you'll be book-high and probably needing to talk with mom and others about your cohort, adviser and all the other highs and lows of school.

[elietrask]

Everyone- Thanks so much for all the support and input. You're wonderful people, and apparently better sons and daughters than I am (though I'm not exactly evil spawn!). Happy to update that my mom and I made a pre-move trip to Ikea to scope the goods, which was quite successfully painless -- and rather fun, actually. Plus, I realized I had no idea what to look for in a mattress, where to even start to pick one out. With 30+ years of experience in that arena, though, the Moms was super useful. I'll be sure to thank her by taking her to my favorite Manhattan cafes, parks and museums in between errands, and, when I need, to remind her sensitively that her son is no longer a little boy, but rather a big big man boy. Elie

[CageFree]

Glad things are working out.

I think a lot depends on how tightly-knit your family is. My family is borderline codependent (immigrant family) - as a result, we ALL help each other with EVERYTHING. My mom and one of my sisters tagged along with my husband and me (drove my car while we drove the moving truck) for a 500 mile move (they then drove back).

And I'm 35.

Edited August 15, 2012 by CageFree

[Dal PhDer]

Glad to hear it's working out!! And totally envious of your IKEA shopping!!That place is AMAZING!!

It sounds like this is a great opportunity for you and your mom to make some wonderful memories! Good luck and enjoy the start of school!

[ktel]

I love IKEA too much. My boyfriend and I literally go on dates there when we need stuff and get dinner/lunch in the cafeteria and cheap ice cream.

[Dal PhDer]

I love IKEA too much. My boyfriend and I literally go on dates there when we need stuff and get dinner/lunch in the cafeteria and cheap ice cream.

This is awesome!! I use to do this at Costco!! (Their hotdog and pop deal is AMAZING!!)

We don't have an IKEA here...I went to an IKEA for the first time last year, and my friends had to drag me away! My bank account was lucky that I had to fly home, otherwise I would have bought so much there!!

[TakeruK]

My parents were involved in our move across the country for my MSc program and they will be involved in the next move (happening in 2 weeks!!) too! My wife and I decided to drive across the country for the first move, and my parents thought that was such a good idea that they wanted to do the same as well. They left around the time we arrived in the new place so they showed up about a week later. It was very helpful because they had a big vehicle and we were able to make an IKEA run in Toronto (our town is actually ~3 hours away).

I'm from an Asian family as well so family is very important and we do a ton of things together. So, it's not strange at all to me, that a parent would want to be involved in the move, even though I'm married and definitely old enough to take care of things myself. Like others said, I understand it's important to them and I let them help without inconveniencing them too much. My wife has a different cultural background so sometimes things that are normal to me feel like foreign to her (and vice-versa), but we always figure out some compromise.

I think the funniest thing from the last move is that my parents showed up with a huge case of raman noodles for me! They didn't even know about the grad student diet stereotype, they were just worried about my cooking abilities. I think they got the message though, when they later asked about what I've been cooking and especially when I told them I had to eventually throw out most of that case because the noodles expired before I could use them all up! I think my mom was happy though that I learned more from helping her in the kitchen than she thought

As for Costco, my wife and I used to and still do dates there for their super cheap food. I was amazed that their hotdog+pop combo went from $2 to $1.50 sometime last year, but maybe I should be a little worried about how cheap it is! And our apartment was basically an IKEA catalogue -- it took us almost a week to build everything!