Had an exchange of bad words with my academic advisor

[nehs]

She is the acting graduate advisor for my program and there's another advisor too but he is on sabbatical currently and so this acting advisor is here to advise us.

I've take a class with her before, attended many advising/office hours with her and never had an issue. However, she is on the older side and is very forgetful and also tends to make mistakes. for example, in one session she wil ltell a student to take course ABC and in the next meeting with her to discuss course work she will say why are you doing aBC, it will not count toward any of your requirements except the elective course and you should do XYZ.

This is what happened with me too. She told me to take a course saying they could approve it for one another course because both are similar. Ok, greatt I said and signed up. Lastweek, during her office hours, i go to her again to talk about something else(master's thesis/research) and she saw my course selection and said it won't work. Well, she was the one who told me to take this one course(this course is of NO interest tome and i would never ever sign up on my own). It is a hassle to change course in my Dept(tat's a different thing).

So, I left her ofice, got home and thought over it. I got this not-so-bright-idea to email the other advisor and see how what he says. He, apparently, forwared my e-mail to this lady and she replies back rather angry(not rude) -

did you not like the answer you got? we discussed this during my office hours and i am the graduate deputy for this semester, not Prof. ABC.".

I haven't replied to her e-mail becuase i do not want to continue this exchange(should I???) but now i'm worried if she can actually do any harm? For example, we need permission to register for some courses and we have to email this advisor to get approval? what if she refuses(well, most likely she wont) , what if there are problem graduating when i'm just one semester away from my degree and so on..... ofcourse, i've seen student have worse arguments with professors in the class andn othing really happens to them but i'm worried.

What do you think i should do? is this whole thing even worth losing two nights'sleep? I've been stressed for two ngihts now. she is, thank fully, not the person i will be working with for my master's thesis.

[wildviolet]

I would go see her and apologize for stepping on her toes. Feign ignorance. Smile.

I had an advisor like that for my MS, and she wasn't even old! She just had too many advisees, so I think sometimes she confused me with another student. Anyway, things like this happen. A sincere apology is usually sufficient, even if she is in the wrong. Remember who has the power and authority here? That's the way the world works. If you want to get things done, you need to know and be respectful to the right people. If that means sometimes having to kowtow to others, then so be it. You'll always know you were right. Good luck working this out.

[kaykaykay]

If the situation is bad maybe you can use the ombuts person in your university if you have one. My understanding is that their role is exactly to smooth out conflicts like these. Try to see if they can help you .

[nehs]

I would go see her and apologize for stepping on her toes. Feign ignorance. Smile.

I had an advisor like that for my MS, and she wasn't even old! She just had too many advisees, so I think sometimes she confused me with another student. Anyway, things like this happen. A sincere apology is usually sufficient, even if she is in the wrong. Remember who has the power and authority here? That's the way the world works. If you want to get things done, you need to know and be respectful to the right people. If that means sometimes having to kowtow to others, then so be it. You'll always know you were right. Good luck working this out.

hmm, i'm thinking if I should even say anything because most likely she has forgotten this by now and saying anything only makes her remember it. I am ready to apologize, for no fault of mine, but I just find it awkward.

[nehs]

If the situation is bad maybe you can use the ombuts person in your university if you have one. My understanding is that their role is exactly to smooth out conflicts like these. Try to see if they can help you .

I'm not sure if I should even highlight this to the ombudsperson yet? I mean this professor is not the "revengeful" or "rude" kind. Also, many students routinely mess up with professors in class and they seem to do fine. i've never ever messed up with any professor or colleagu/boss.

I'm still confused on what to do, I wil lwait for a few more replies and then decide.

[fuzzylogician]

Sounds like this is the first problem you've had with this professor? If so, don't over-react and don't go to the ombudsperson unless there are actual repercussions (e.g., if she is vengeful in some way). I would recommend apologizing - if she is so forgetful that she's already put this completely out of her mind then she'll probably forget again, but if she still remembers you'll be better off if you set the record straight. As wildviolet says - Feign ignorance. Smile. It doesn't matter that you're in the right and she is in the wrong, she is the one in the position of power.

[Dal PhDer]

I would go and chat with her face to face. I think miscommunications happen a lot via email, so I wouldn't worry. As others have said, I would go in being apologetic and non-combative. Even if you are frustrated by her advice, it's always best to stay on people's good sides.

You might want to also stress to her (very politely) that you're confused, worried and stressed out about which courses to take. It sounds like you're taking a course that might not be related to your thesis topic, is this a required course for your department?

I remember during my MA I had to take a course on program evaluation...I hated it. HATED it. Hate is not a strong enough word. The entire time I did it I was like "..this is the stupidiest class ever! I am never going to use it! Wah wah wah!!" ...turns out, it was probably the most valuable class I have ever taken. I use a lot of the theories and readings from it still! So, even if it's not a class you may think you need and/or will enjoy, it could still have value.

Do you have the meeting notes from your communications with her? Or emails? If you do, and they show she is giving conflicting advice, maybe present them to her in a way that's polite and gentle. In all fairness, perhaps she got confused or just made a mistake with what she told you!

Edit: On another note, do you have an advisor? For both my MA and PhD my advisor (and committee) guided me through my course selection.

Edited August 13, 2012 by Dal PhDer

[nehs]

Sounds like this is the first problem you've had with this professor? If so, don't over-react and don't go to the ombudsperson unless there are actual repercussions (e.g., if she is vengeful in some way). I would recommend apologizing - if she is so forgetful that she's already put this completely out of her mind then she'll probably forget again, but if she still remembers you'll be better off if you set the record straight. As wildviolet says - Feign ignorance. Smile. It doesn't matter that you're in the right and she is in the wrong, she is the one in the position of power.

Yes - first problem I've had with this professor and any professor in my program so far! I definitely don't plan to talk to the ombudsperson. I really don't know what to go in and say , it will be so uncomfortable, so I feel I rather ignore (or may be e-mail) and let her also forget it.

ahh, such an uncomfortable situation for me. I hate it.

[nehs]

Dal PhDer -I don't even want to go in actually! I'm seriously in no mood to go to her office hours and talk about something. But looks like all of you here are suggesting this - which means I might have to do it sometime this week during her office hours.

I am definitely stressed about courses actually - I m in my Final semester of coursess and don't want to be hanging around in the spring doing courses. My next semester, Spring 2013, is only for the research and thesis.

Even if I decide to go in and see her , Im not going to show any emails or communication that might hint her in the wrong. I'm just going to apologize and leave.

She is my academic advisor and is supposed to guide me(what an irony!). I know it sounds crazy, because she is so forgetful. There is another advisor too but he advises only in the Fall and this advisor is present for the Spring and the Summer.

I would go and chat with her face to face. I think miscommunications happen a lot via email, so I wouldn't worry. As others have said, I would go in being apologetic and non-combative. Even if you are frustrated by her advice, it's always best to stay on people's good sides.

You might want to also stress to her (very politely) that you're confused, worried and stressed out about which courses to take. It sounds like you're taking a course that might not be related to your thesis topic, is this a required course for your department?

I remember during my MA I had to take a course on program evaluation...I hated it. HATED it. Hate is not a strong enough word. The entire time I did it I was like "..this is the stupidiest class ever! I am never going to use it! Wah wah wah!!" ...turns out, it was probably the most valuable class I have ever taken. I use a lot of the theories and readings from it still! So, even if it's not a class you may think you need and/or will enjoy, it could still have value.

Do you have the meeting notes from your communications with her? Or emails? If you do, and they show she is giving conflicting advice, maybe present them to her in a way that's polite and gentle. In all fairness, perhaps she got confused or just made a mistake with what she told you!

Edit: On another note, do you have an advisor? For both my MA and PhD my advisor (and committee) guided me through my course selection.

[Dal PhDer]

From my experience, grad school is filled with many situations where you have to bite your tounge, put aside your pride, and plead ignorance. Remember- you want to make sure you're making the higher ups happy! It's a hard situation, and not often the healthiest, but I think it's fairly common in grad school...(and in the workplace!)

[wildviolet]

From my experience, grad school is filled with many situations where you have to bite your tounge, put aside your pride, and plead ignorance. Remember- you want to make sure you're making the higher ups happy! It's a hard situation, and not often the healthiest, but I think it's fairly common in grad school...(and in the workplace!)

Definitely true in the workplace. You can't escape it really, unless you become a hermit. It's human nature. There's always a pecking order, even if it's just two people (this is what I confirmed in my MS thesis research).

And let's face it, many people abuse that power. Now, in my case, my advisor is awesome--he is such a modest and down-to-earth person and seems to truly want the best for his advisees. BUT, he still has to approve of my RA work and course selections, so in that sense he still has the power to evaluate my academic worthiness. People who don't understand and accept this won't survive long in positions where there's a hierarchical structure.

My ex started a PhD program in the sciences and left with an MS. He is now happily self-employed, finally free from any constraints imposed by an employer (his income is variable, but that's the tradeoff I guess). Me? I'm happy to play the game.

Edited August 13, 2012 by wildviolet

[PsychGirl1]

I would just apologize to her, and very politely tell her that she had actually told you to enroll in the course and then, after you registered, told you that you couldn't take it- so you were just looking for a second opinion since you were confused and unsure how to proceed. I agree that you need to be polite and respectful, but at the same time, if this is an ongoing thing, I think you also need to (politely) call her out on it.

[1Q84]

I don't know. You said that the prof. has done this sort of thing to other people too. In my experience, people who are that scatterbrained and irresponsible with advice in the first place tend not to take kindly to being called out on it, no matter how polite or firm. I think her email to you bears that out.

I would apologize for what she perceived as "not trusting her" or going behind her back or whatever nonsense, and then whenever you need to deal with her in the future, seek clarification from others ONLY over the phone or in person so that there's no paper trail that can be forwarded or used to your disadvantage.

Seriously, the politics of academia and, by extension, any office is messed up and highly hierarchical. Attempts to talk sense into people in high positions of power when you have little to no leverage is almost always going to end badly for you and it's not worth the risk.

[TMP]

You said this person is "acting" for this semester. What happens in the spring? I'm assuming that your spring semester is your final semester, at least it's supposed to be.

I should ask... who is really signing you off to graduate? This woman, or the adviser on sabbatical?

Honestly, I'd lose my trust in the original graduate adviser for betraying your confidence in him for a second opinion. As someone pointed out, you meant to write this e-mail to say that you were just a bit confused and just simply wanted another opinion to be sure that you understand what is being asked of you. I asked for second opinions a lot when I was in my MA and word never go to my adviser that I was undermining my confidence in her ability to advise me well. (Perhaps there was simply not a lot of transparency between faculty members.)

Unfortunately, as everyone has said, you will lose this battle. It's just a class that you don't want to take and by taking this, it won't cost to another class in the spring. Remember, you just need to pass. Muster a B and you'll be fine.

[MashaMashaMasha]

I have learned through extremely sensitive bosses in the past, that it takes only a swallowing of pride and an admittance of confusion to remedy an unpleasant exchange. You'd be amazed how saying "I'm sorry" really diffuses a situation.

I wonder if going into her office, and starting out with "I got your email. I'm sorry, I think I may have gotten confused, and I didn't mean to step on your toes. It won't happen again. Here is why I was confused - I thought [insert scenario here]. Could you help me figure this out?"

This is seriously the most magical when I feel like I haven't done anything wrong, and I am just so angry at the injustice of it all - then just genuinely apologizing (not in a sarcastic voice!) can make the other person open up/help you/get over their hurt feelings.

Hope this + all the other good advice in this thread helps. Update if you figure out something that works!