Any parents out there? Did you start grad school with young children or have them while there?

[Femme Pedagogy]

I'm applying to PhD programs for Fall 2013. While this is something I've wanted to do for a long time (and I have a now or never feeling about it), I also want to have a baby in the next few years.

Any personal experience out there? I'd love to hear from you.

[ktel]

I don't have personal experience, but I will note that there are A LOT of parents in my department. In my research group of 16 people, one is a PhD student and mom of 2 kids (both which she had during her PhD), one is a PhD student and dad of 2 kids (one was just born a few weeks ago), one of the post docs is a dad of one, one of the other post docs just had his fourth child. So obviously my department and supervisor are very supportive of this. I'm sure it will vary depending on the school, department and supervisor.

[HaElkoshi]

I only started school myself recently, so I can't comment on the feasibility yet, but I can tell you that I have an almost three year old and one on the way, so I'm certainly hoping it will work out.

[virmundi]

I'm applying to PhD programs for Fall 2013. While this is something I've wanted to do for a long time (and I have a now or never feeling about it), I also want to have a baby in the next few years.

Any personal experience out there? I'd love to hear from you.

I had my child a few years before returning to school to pursue academia, so the situation is not entirely analogous to having a baby while in graduate school. There are some similar challenges, however. You'll need to be exceptionally well organized with your time. The amount of work for a graduate student in the humanities is intended not merely to teach you or test you, but essentially to break you down and build you back up again. If I were you, I would consider very strongly *not* having a young baby during your first year of coursework which can often be the most difficult and stressful period. After that, the workload continues at an insane pace, but you'll be used to dissecting multiple thousands of pages per week, insane amounts of writing, etc. so it'll seem a bit more normal. You'll be adding in a baby who will interrupt your sleep regularly for the first three (at least) years of life, and then not infrequently interrupting it thereafter (my darling child is seven... still interrupts our sleep early on a Saturday morning)... Throw in relatively frequent illnesses (as their little immune systems have to come up to speed), midnight, two A.M., four A.M., and six A.M. feedings and then a pile of Foucault or discrete mathematics or whatever on top of it all... Another challenge is that babies and kids cost a lot of money. Their food, clothes, medicines, toys, etc. all add up -- even if you are a thrifty shopper! You will find that some professors will be sympathetic to the challenges of having children, while others will have absolutely no patience for what they consider to be a "personal choice" and will hold it against you forever if you have to miss class because your child is sick and cannot go to daycare/school. If your advisor or someone important for your career happens to be in the latter camp, it can negatively impact your chances on the job market.

I write all of these caveats not because I would want to discourage you, but because I think that it is best to be as aware as possible of the challenges involved *before* you are in the thick of things -- that way you can perhaps try to shape your schedules, goals, and program such that the challenges of a raising a little one can be balanced with those of your work. Having a supportive partner with a quasi-flexible schedule makes a big difference, as does matriculating into a program in which many of the students/professors are younger and have young children.

I know people who have had kids in graduate school and managed to get through successfully and also those who waited until they landed on the TT to have their first child and have been successful as well. There are no absolutes when it comes to this stuff! Good luck with your applications (and future parenting )...!

[lillymaginta]

I just started my phd program too which is something I wanted to do for so many years. I am still young but i have 3 kids. The youngest is few months old and I am doing pretty well in all my classes being top and getting comments from everyone about my performance and they would surprise to know that I have kids. I don't think any one is at disadvantage at having kids while starting graduate school I believe that your are at advantage since your kids always give you the motivation to do well in school (you will be always looking for a better future for you and your family). So stay up, YOU WILL MAKE IT

[UnlikelyGrad]

I don't have young children, but rather teens (who honestly eat up more time than babies in some ways). Time management is critical, as mentioned above--but also finding an advisor who believes in work/life balance. Luckily my advisor had her daughter right as she was going up for tenure (!!!) and knows that a certain amount of flexibility is necessary for being successful on both fronts.

[mandarin.orange]

I can't speak from experience, but I would highly recommend an essay by Elena Evans called "My Little Comma," which is about having a baby while in grad school. Quick search online revealed some interesting commentary on the essay, but not the full text...I think you'll have to get the volume it was in, which was "Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers." I gave my copy to friend, while she was 8.5 months pregnant and in the first year of her PhD...she just finished this summer, posting a photo on the social medias labeled "what I did this summer" which showed her 2nd child, 2 months old, crawling atop her bound dissertation. Hmph, overachiever.

Bottom line: it can be done, and anecdotally, I've known a few who were successful.

[Conscia Fati]

I have an 18 month old son and I am a PhD student at a top program in my field. I'm really fortunate because the chair of my department is also a parent, and is very sympathetic to my position. I'd like to add that it's extremely important to prioritize work. It may not be possible to do everything you are assigned. For me, it is more important to take time with my son every day than it is to get every last bit of reading done. I do the most important stuff, and let some things slide. So far, I have done very well -- but it is very challenging, and I am only averaging 5 hours of sleep per night. My spouse is also in graduate school, and we trade nights to cook dinner, watch the baby, and clean the house. We have a nanny for about 35 hours a week to take care of our son while we are in class and at the library. We are also taking out some loans to pay for our son's childcare. I am fully-funded, but my husband is not (yet). A stipend meant for one is not enough to support a family of three. Fortunately, child care expenses make me eligible for more government loans. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions, or need solidarity!

[kempitjampet]

I have an 18 month old son and I am a PhD student at a top program in my field. I'm really fortunate because the chair of my department is also a parent, and is very sympathetic to my position. I'd like to add that it's extremely important to prioritize work. It may not be possible to do everything you are assigned. For me, it is more important to take time with my son every day than it is to get every last bit of reading done. I do the most important stuff, and let some things slide. So far, I have done very well -- but it is very challenging, and I am only averaging 5 hours of sleep per night. My spouse is also in graduate school, and we trade nights to cook dinner, watch the baby, and clean the house. We have a nanny for about 35 hours a week to take care of our son while we are in class and at the library. We are also taking out some loans to pay for our son's childcare. I am fully-funded, but my husband is not (yet). A stipend meant for one is not enough to support a family of three. Fortunately, child care expenses make me eligible for more government loans. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions, or need solidarity!

Good to hear that you're doing ok despite the hardships. But well it depends on anyone's strength and perseverance. As long as you're child wont get sick (Otherwise it would be stressful), you can just be fine

[Conscia Fati]

Ah, well kids DO definitely get sick! And it's still fine. : )

[lillymaginta]

Yeah, it is definitely not an easy task to manage between school & family. I Believe it is hard at the beginning then you get used to how you can manage and adapt. And if you have a goal then thinking about your dream will always help you through the difficult moment. And yes Andromache 2012 they do get sick a lot from the daycare but you won't have that much options so you will get used to that too

[lillymaginta]

Well definitely you need some support, and my husband is very supportive so he helps with the kids whenever I am stressed with too much assignments so if you have supporting family, friends, or anyone who can help with the kids when you are under stress that would make things much easier to handle

[Mandalpaca]

I am a single Mom with a 12 year old daughter and the only way I was able to go back to school and pursue my Masters is by doing it online. I have NO social life but am almost finishing my degree, working 30 hrs a week as a Registered Nurse, and still being a good parent . Next step is my DNP but plan to take a year off of school. You can do it!

[laura_b]

Find a school with daycare on campus, if at all possible. Usually these are staffed by students in childcare and child development programs, which greatly reduces the cost as compared to regular daycare. One of my good friends had a baby a couple of months ago during her second year of her PhD in Communication. She is making it very well, but her husband has a decent paying job with very regular hours. She also decided from the beginning not to breastfeed, which has made scheduling much, much easier, but she has taken a lot of flack over it. If your husband/parter is a student too, it's going to be really difficult, especially in the financial department.

[plasticWaterBottle]

I just completed an MA and had two kids during the process. I did it in 2 years as well. You do have to be thrifty with your time and money. I ended up writing a lot late at night after the kids fall asleep. In my expereince, I would reccommend against on campus daycare. We used a nearby church daycare as it was WAY cheaper than anything offered on campus and the adult/child ratio was actually better.

[MammaD]

Veteran mom here -- my little ones are 10, 8, and 5. I'm also a military Veteran ... 17 years in the Army (got out in July, oldest was 9-1/2). I'm finishing my MPH in May. My husband is still on active duty and I might be a geographical single mom if I get into a PhD program -- he'll have to stay here unless we find another assignment he's qualified for closer to where I've applied. I don't sleep much. I have to manage my time very closely and I spent a few hours Christmas night working on my thesis questionnaire because I need every hour! My husband believes in me and does a lot at home. Our house is messy but not dirty or gross (we keep the kitchen clean, trash goes out ... but I have piles of paper and textbooks all over the place). My kids are old enough to be ok with some separation now but in the early years, they stayed with me -- traveled, came to conferences, everything. If you can time your pregnancy to coincide with some time off, summer, LOA, some way to enable you those first few precious months ... I'd highly recommend that. I had 12 weeks leave with each baby and it wasn't enough for me -- I went back to work tired and missing my baby. But -- school might be a better time than when you're new in a job after graduation. I'm a little freaked out about potentially being way older than everyone else and managing parenting, a new school, new house, new life for them and me, but hopefully, it'll be worth it (if I get in).

[languages-etc]

Wow, MammaD, you've got a full life and you're managing. Good for you. I also have children and am thinking hard about how to manage a move to a new city, my studies, research, family time and everything else. If I'm accepted anywhere, I know I will be older than everyone else in my cohort (but hopefully not by too much!)  I honestly can say that as an older student, I feel much more grounded, with a better grasp of what is important and what's not important in life. I've learned to let petty things slide, and focus on the important things. I don't care that much about what people think of me, but I am very committed to my work and will give grad school my all.

 

(Just to be clear, I'm not saying that all older students are more grounded than younger ones. I'm saying that I'm more grounded than a younger version of myself.) 

 

During a Skype call with a POI, she mentioned her kids and husband, and she also asked about how my husband felt about moving to another city. It was a big relief to hear her ask about family. 

 

I agree that being in school can be a good time to start a family - yes, you'll be very busy, but you will likely be able to connect with other young parents on campus to share resources and get tips on childcare etc. 

[MammaD]

I honestly think I'm more worried about my kids' transition than mine. This isn't really what the OP is asking about, but because it's not "just me," I kind of obsess about everything being just right. I want them to be happy and in a good school, doing well, finding friends, feeling comfortable. I worry that if their transition isn't so good, my studies will suffer because my kids have to come first. Hopefully, I'm worrying over nothing (and hopefully I get in!). I also find I'm better suited now for where I'd like to be headed. Ironically, it was having children that prompted my new career field. I was a clarinet player in the Army for 17 years before figuring out I have a different calling. In any case, I think we all figure out how to balance what needs to be balanced. I also think the perspective motherhood brings can add to your school experience, perhaps in more ways than it might detract from it.

[languages-etc]

I hear you about kids' adjustment. It's been overwhelming to not only check out potential schools and departments, but to research the city/area, school districts, where families live etc. The grad student housing options provided by the university (even the "family" options) seem more suitable for families with infants/toddler age children, not older children. There are usually certain areas where faculty and staff live, but they are out of range of a grad student budget. Another concern I have is that most likely, I'll be relocating my family for 4-5 years, and then we'll be moving again when I find a job somewhere else. 

 

I've decided to focus on the positive side though. Kids are resilient, and I'm sure my kids will surprise me with their ability to adapt. Many university towns are diverse, with lots of interesting cultural, social, sports and arts-related programs for kids. Also if you live in the general area of the university, chances are many of the kids in the school will have parents connected to the university. 

[MammaD]

Yes! There are a lot of positives -- in my case, housing where I've applied is cheaper than where I live now, and mortgage interest rates are way lower, so we might be looking at a house upgrade without changing finances at all. I'm also hopeful that I'll have some postdoc or employment opportunities there -- we are planning to live there at least until our 2nd graduates from high school (he'll start 4th grade next year). We are already making connections for my husband there (he's a musician), so when he joins us, hopefully he will have work to supplement his military retirement. I've lived where I am now for my entire life (except when I went away to undergrad), so it feels a little scary to move but we'll be closer to my parents, who left 10 years ago. Where I've applied is emerging as a U.S. center for the research I hope to do, so I'm optimistic that we might be able to stay there indefinitely. So many what-ifs! I'm ready to find out whether I've been accepted or not!

[EdYouKateOr]

My youngest will be starting Kindergarten, but my husband will still work. I hope she will be resilient to the changes!

[+Whiskey]

I'm planning (hoping?) to begin a PhD program in the fall, and I have two young children. They will be 2 and 4 when I begin. I agree with previous posters that extraordinary time management skills are a must! I have a super supportive husband who does a lot of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Personally, I don't think I could do it without him. 

 

I strongly recommend NOT scrimping on self care. While balancing two young kids, a full time course load, a TA position, and two independent research projects, I still make time for a reasonable amount of sleep (6+ hours, for me), nutritious meals, and time with my friends and spouse. It can be done. And I've found that when I do not eat and sleep, every single other thing suffers. For example, if I'm up against a deadline, so I choose to only sleep 4 hours or so for a few nights and eat out of bags, everything I do takes longer, I make more errors, I'm irritable with my sweet kids, I forget to take the trash out, etc., etc., etc. Everything just goes to hell. It's much better for everyone for me to take care of myself and use the hours that are set aside for work very efficiently. It took me years to figure out how to do everything well at the same time, though. It's not easy.

 

Though my situation is different, I do have a couple of friends who have had babies during grad school, and they're doing okay too! Overall, I think everyone agrees that being a student parent is tough, but so worth it. If you really want to have a demanding career and a family, there's no great time to have young kids. It probably won't be easier during the pre-tenure years. It may not be possible after. I think you just have to do what you feel is best for you and your family. Good luck!   

[janitkerry]

Glad to hear many parents can do it.. it's time management, easier said than done but once you're into it, you can go through as the time goes on

[yengcopans]

Being a parent is already a profession so basically you're having double job here. kudos to everyone who can do theirs

[wekeleffen]

Will be hard for you if you're starting, my advice get an older nanny if you're a lil bit struggling at school