Really crazy roommate situation, could use some advice.

[perico]

I started grad school last fall and found a random person to move in with close to campus, we get a long well, but are not really friends, we've never really had any kind of serious conversation and don't have much in common. Also, he made me a little uneasy when I moved in, he didn't help with moving boxes/furniture, which I suppose is all right but I would have lent a hand, also he didn't make any effort to make me feel welcomed by doing something like clearing a space in the kitchen for me to put food in or a shelf in the bathroom for my stuff, I just moved his stuff out of the way and took over some space which he seemed fine with. But the price is right and the roommate agreement only requires a 30 day notice to move out, so it works for me.

 

A few months ago my roommate started dating a young woman, hes in his 30s she is about 21 or 22. She would stay over a few nights a week but not every night. One night I woke up to hear them arguing about something but just went back to sleep, a bit later I hear the front door slam and his car peel out of the parking lot. Apparently she had been texting her ex bf to come pick her up so that they could go do pills at 3AM, to me that would have been a deal breaker but a few weeks later she is back in the picture. I don't really remember the time frame but a few weeks later she's gone and he tells me not to let her into the apartment, and then she's back. Also, something that is really weird is at some point they start web chatting, she lives like 10 miles away at her mom's but they would web chat \all night on webcam I think so he could keep tabs on her, which is in my mind really unhealthy relationship behavior.

 

Anyway, a few weeks go by, she is gone again, roommate tells me not to let her into the apartment, and then shes back, this happens a few times. I really don't appreciate being told not to let someone into the apartment, if he has a problem with her he does not need to involve me in his nonsense. They were together when I went home for break and then my roommate texts me to say he had to change the locks and that my new key is in a lockbox and gave me the code. I figured that was the end of her but then a few days into the new semester she is back. In general I prefer not to pry and none of their drama has interfered in my life at all so I didn't say anything, and frankly I don't care but it does kind of raise questions about my roommates judgement but I suppose love does crazy things to people so I just let it go.

 

So about a week and a half ago they tell me she is pregnant, she just found out and is 2 months along. So she starts staying at our place every night, we have a 2br apartment with just a kitchen, 2brs, living room 1 bath, not really ideal for 3 people. On top of that she is always here, watching TV, I mean all day long, in fact I doubt that she leaves the apartment lately unless she is going with him somewhere. I believe this is so that he can keep tabs on her since she seems to like to disappear every so often, and I don't think she has a key anymore. When I first met her she said she had a job, but who knows if that is true. This is fairly distracting when I am trying to get homework done and I can't really use the living room if she is watching TV to get work done. I could go to campus to do work, but I think its crap that I should have to leave my apartment to do homework when someone who doesn't pay rent is hording the living room. Then this last Friday he texts me and tells me not to let her into the apartment, and when I come home she's back with him, whatever. 

 

So she is living with us and he did not bother to have a conversation with me about this, or anything AT ALL, when I mentioned that he changed the locks it was the first that I had heard that she had a key to the apartment. On top of that I think odds are even that the kid is not his since her recreational drug of choice is, and no lie, GHB, but really that's his problem and isn't something I am going to bring up. Also, she also smokes cigarettes which really bothers me since she is you know, pregnant though I suppose she does deserve credit for being "sober" as she calls it.

 

In addition to this, my girlfriend of several years and I broke up a week before the semester. It was really a mutual thing and we are still friends and talk, I actually feel pretty good about how it all went down. It has been tough though. Also, grad school is generally stressful, so this on top of breaking up with my gf and school this has really put me on edge, I am a fairly tightly wound person and my brain has been racing all week so I have not slept much and have not gotten any work done all semester.

 

I really don't know what to do, on the one hand I feel bad about moving out, I know that this is not my problem and that I did nothing to create it but my roommate is in a bind here and I don't want to be piling on. On the other, this is total crap, he didn't tell me this crazy girl was moving in and would just be loafing around the apartment all damn day because he can't trust her. I'm not on the lease so I could theoretically just leave and have that be it, though I would lose my $300 deposit, I could give him the 30 days notice and get the deposit back but I would have to stay here for another month. I was planning on leaving around May anyway in the event that I got an internship out of town so it is not like I am that upset about having to move. Also, I want to be gone by the time this bundle of joy and chemicals is born. One of the other students in my program bought a house with his girlfriend next door to us and had asked me if I was interested in moving in in the past. We are sort of friends and his girlfriend doesn't do pills so that might work. He is sort of friends with my roommate so I am sure that if I bailed on my roommate and moved in with them that it would create tension there too so I don't want to do that, but it would be the easiest option for moving out and he knows about my plans for the summer. Also, I am fairly tightly wound up and my brain is on overdrive right now so I have not been able to get a solid night sleep for about a week which totally sucks. 

 

TL/DR: My roommate's batsh*t girlfriend is pregnant and she moved in without him telling me, wtf should I do? 

[33andathirdRPM]

Definitely a bit of TL;DR.

 

If this is going to be detrimental to your undertaking your studies, etc. then move. If you can hack living there and the price is that good, then soldier up and enjoy the drama.

[CarlieE]

Wow. That's a nightmare of a situation. My gut instinct would be to move out. I would also go so far as to say you should CYA even more by getting your new place set up BEFORE you put in your 30 days notice so that if your room-mate or his GF go crazy on you for moving out then you have somewhere else to go immediately. You might have to pay for an overlap of 1 month's rent, but it would be worth it IMO. 

 

PS. I'm also in Atlanta and rents here are really not bad - I mean, non-school affiliated rental communities. If you want your own place without a roommate and you have decent credit you can get a place without paying a security deposit. When you move in you just pay your first month's rent and for utility hook ups. 

 

I don't know which school you're at but regardless, if you search Emory's website they have a grad student classified site which local landlords and room-mates post up vacancies. I'm sure you could use it even if you're not an Emory student (there's no login). 

[DiamondWheelchair]

I would move out. With people who act this irrationally you never know what is coming around the next corner. Just think about it, she is pregnant her hormones are probably going to start going out of control and making her act even more irrationally. They will continue to fit, he will kick her out, then let her back in, kick her out again, etc.

 

I would take your other friend up on the offer and move into the house. You just have to be firm but honest with your current roommate, explain your moving out because with everything going on with him and his girlfriend you feel it would be less stressful for everyone if you moved. They can get privacy to work on their relationship and you get quiet space to relax. Personal, I would have said something when you found out this girl is a pill-head. No way someone doing drugs is staying in a place I am paying rent for. 

[rising_star]

I was once in a bad roommate situation with a similar thing where I had to give thirty days notice. I decided that I couldn't live with my roommate at the time and put in my thirty days notice before having even found another place. I put it in writing, got it date stamped and signed by a third party, made two copies, and then gave my roommate the original. Then, I hit Craig's List hard, posting a housing wanted ad, browsing the listed ads for roommates, sublets, and apartments, and working all my in-town connections (at the time, I had few of those). I was moved into the new place in less than 2.5 weeks and didn't even care that I had a couple weeks of rent overlap. It was all worth it to be out of that place. And I got my deposit back. So, go for it. Give notice and then find a place. You've already got one potential option and I'm sure you can find more if you try.

[perico]

Thanks for your thoughts folks, I also really needed to vent so sorry about the wall of text for everyone who read all of that.

[Usmivka]

You are on a month to month lease (I'm assuming this given 30 day notice, but to be clear, no "roommate agreement" is legally binding, only leases approved by the city and state). There is no reason to still be there. You could leave tomorrow and just eat the lost week of rent if you've located another place already and don't have a security deposit. There is no reason for you to be subsidizing your roomie's girlfriend (and make no mistake, that is what you are doing by continuing to pay half the rent with three people living there).

Edited January 22, 2013 by Usmivka

[ZacharyObama]

Move! Now!

[katerific]

Oh my god, and I thought I had bad roommates in the past.

 

You didn't mention your landlord--maybe you could say something to them? I know at my old house, extra people were forbidden (stated in the lease) unless they shoveled up some money. I'm assuming, though, they might not be that useful to you...

Just echoing other people (who have all provided really, really good insight!), but if it is month to month, just get out ASAP. Losing a deposit seems bad, but it sounds worth it, and you can recover from that.

 

Good luck!!

[Tall Chai Latte]

Oh wow. So much drama right there. I've experienced something similar but not to the same extend as you. My ex-roommate during my first year of grad school was a random pick, because I just wanted a place to live for the year. It didn't turn out well either, I often had to listen to her fighting with her boyfriend on the phone, it was loud that I could hear her in my room. I eventually moved away because I prefer living in a quiet environment. 

 

If the drama is really distracting you, you should move out. Why add extra stress when you are home, when school during day is already stressful enough?

[spacezeppelin]

I agree you should move out as well. If you are worried about making a graceful exit (say your neighbores house), then you could just act all happy for them and say, "Its so great you guys are having a baby. This place might be a bit crowded with the two of you and and infant, so I think i'm going to find my own place to give you some privacy."

 

I think 99.9 percent of humanity will understand someone not wanting to live in the same house with an infant that isnt their own. I've heard those tiny people can be realllyyyyyyyyyy loud.

[CageFree]

Move out. NOW.

[esotericorigin]

I've had my share of crazy roommates. You should absolutely move out. It's not worth the stress. If his girlfriend is living there, she should be contributing to rent/utilities (especially utilities if she's watching TV all day). So... seeing as your roommate already has a replacement lined up for your room in 9 months, he ought to let you out without waiting a month so he can get to babyproofing the place.

[ak48]

So, now that you've moved out, life is better, right?

[Andean Pat]

MOVE OUT!!!! What are you still doing there??? 

 

Anyway, here's some advice so that you avoid this snowball from happening again: two boys, right? 

 

1) Communicate!!! Sorry, this is a girl advice, but it seems to me you could have prevented some of these things or at least you could have foretold them. Next time, instead of moving someone's things, ask "hey, may I make some room here for my food?". That way you let them know that is not mere coexistence: common places are common and, as such, you need to communicate in order to use/organise/clean them. It is your living room as well, WTF is his GF doing there all the time? You don't care, perfect, but it is your place too so if you want to watch TV yourself, do tell. People cannot guess. 

 

2) Really, communicate!!!! A friend told me that the obvious is not always obvious. It is perfect that you don't mind about their ins-and-outs, fine. I'm with you there. But you must explain (and I mean, explain) that she living there is not part of the agreement, that you find it distracting and/or you are not OK with his not telling you. Honestly, if you did not demand him making room for you, or any of the other things, why should he consult with you anything else? 

 

I am like you, I tend not to say things first, because they are unimportant, and then because I have other things to worry about. YOU ARE RIGHT, you have other things to worry about and you definitely do not deserve this. Now, anybody else knows? The first person that should have this very clear is your room mate, and he can only know it if you tell him. If his dumb enough to be with a drug user, get her pregnant and bring her to your place, then you need to be plain clear. 

 

I hope I am not too harsh, it's only that I am so furious!!!  I cannot believe your situation!!! I

 

BTW, I am moving to Atlanta in the fall!!!  

[Phdoobiedoobiedoo]

Move. Immediately. You think you're stressed now, wait til there's a crack baby living there. You owe them nothing. Clearly they don't give a rat's ass about your comfort on any level. Tell them you can't be in the middle of this drama, that you wanted one roommate, not two. If you can afford it live alone, even if in a studio, it's better than having to deal with roommates.