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Who were you BEFORE this App. Season?


Dontuse

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I was confident in general and happy about the life choices I had made. I had graduated with top grades in my Master's program and was enthusiastic about a PhD. Now I increasingly feel paranoid and indecisive. I sleep at odd hours. Wake up dreading another day awaiting updates from universities. It's hard seeing your aspirations die a slow and painful death. On a positive note, I quit smoking during this period. So I guess it's not all bad.

You quit smoking during all this?! htf did you manage that? (Kudos!)

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I was confident in general and happy about the life choices I had made. I had graduated with top grades in my Master's program and was enthusiastic about a PhD. Now I increasingly feel paranoid and indecisive. I sleep at odd hours. Wake up dreading another day awaiting updates from universities. It's hard seeing your aspirations die a slow and painful death.

I'm in the exact same situation.

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You quit smoking during all this?! htf did you manage that? (Kudos!)

Hehe..I know, right? I have been a heavy smoker for so long. But somehow it didn't feel right anymore. It's been two odd months yet. But long enough that I sneer down at smokers from my newly acquired moral high ground :) . Thanks for the kudos!

I'm in the exact same situation.

That's the comforting part of having the gradcafe forum. I was initially under the impression that I was one of the few such self doubting individuals and that PhD applicants are all confident know it alls with 10+ publications and a bevy of professors salivating at the very thought of such kickass applications heading their way. Specially when I looked at the profiles of graduate students at top schools, it made me question myself way too much. I can't really talk about this situation with my family and this forum definitely helps.

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Confidence: I knew I was smart before. Now I feel like the biggest dumbass in the world.

Stress Level: I get butterflies in my stomach for the whole day until the mail comes at 3 -- then I start the whole process over

Patience: I had very little before. It is non-existent now. I feel like killing the mailman when he come even 1 minute late.

Income: I've found out that anything that can take your mind off of app. season stress costs money! Shopping, movies, online shopping, food... therefore, I'm also now a dumb brokeass

Empathy/ sympathy I have no empathy for anybody that got into at least one school. I have a huge amount of empathy/ sympathy for those that have not because I believe I might be joining your ranks

Health: My eyes are now near the point of blindness due to looking at the computer for a bijillion hours. My fingers are at the bone due to looking up when I should get a response from my school.

Overall: I now feel like a dumb, angry, depressed, anxious, broke individual

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I have being reading this thread the whole day at work....

-able to focus on work

Well :P I had to make a real effort not to laugh nervously at some of the stuff that has being written...

I feel so identified with most of the comments...

something I wanted to add is:

- I used to have sort of a girlfriend xD [guess she is not into highly depressive, unfocused, greedy(I need to save money if I am moving into another country) and cranky guys]

Certainly I have being accepted to at least someplace and much of the anxiety left is just to make concrete plans for the future.. However.. this process has certainly wrecked what I used to be and had left behind something not even I quite recognize...

Hope the best for those of you who haven't got any positive answers yet....

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I'm subhuman right now... and while it's comforting to know everyone else is losing their sanity, I don't know what I'm going to do if I come out of this process with nothing to show for it. How the hell do people do this several years in a row??? How do you tell your family and friends you struck out, when they have no idea what this process actually is and how hard it's been? I don't think I've ever been this insecure, weepy, bitchy, and OCD all wrapped into one miserable package. Wishfull112

I cannot agree with you more. In the beginning I too was fairly [not off the walls but remotely] enthusiastic about this whole thing.

now? well although I can't rule out doing this again for next graduate application season... I certainly am NOT looking forward to it.

Best to you dear.

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I think I'm more confident and happy now that I've gone through grad apps than I was before. I know that sounds weird BUT, I was a really mediocre student in high school and a lot of people expected nothing from me. I just thought K-12 was kind of B.S. (or at least in the LAUSD), and I didn't have any patience for pretending I cared. Aside from that, I was picked on a LOT, so I had awful self-esteem.

Well, I worked really hard in college, so I think going through grad apps has shown me, "whoa, I have grown up a lot and I am totally way more awesome than any of those jerks from when I was younger expected me to be! Screw them!"

That being said, it's not like this entire process has been easy. I feel like I've definitely shortened my life expectancy by at least a year or two just because of the stress of schools losing portions of my application, deadlines, ridiculous people dicking me around with recommendations, etc. But in general, I hope everyone applying to grad programs knows that they're awesome! Even if they don't get in to their school of choice. You obviously care enough about your future and about education and yourself to do something about it, which puts you way ahead of lots of people in this world!

Also, I find that I sleep way more now than I used to before, but that's not because I'm not stressed.... It's because if I force myself to sleep the day away, it means one less day until I hear back from schools! It's kind of pathetic....Hahaha.

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This is EXACTLY how I feel. I sent this post to my SO and family.

Does anyone have any positive stories about the admissions process? Along the lines of "I was rejected from my first two schools, but admitted to the remaining two?" I can't take any more bad news :(

It breaks my heart that I may not be in school next year.

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