Admitted but coping with rejection and disappointment -- a year later?

[wintergirl]

I feel stupid posting this but it's not a problem I feel comfortable discussing with anyone at my school.

 

I'm in my first year of a PhD program that was far from my first choice. Faculty at one of my first choice schools told me I just missed the final cut of admits last year, so I know I was in their top batch of applications. Meanwhile I got other fully funded offers so I decided not to reapply and took the one that seemed the best of my options. I felt lucky to have gotten in anywhere.

 

Now that I'm here, I've had a lot of trouble settling in and finding my former levels of motivation (partially thanks to some mental health issues). I'm still finding myself looking back at my top schools and generally feeling like shit at the number of rejections I got last year. What I think is really hanging me up is that the schools I didn't get into (including the one I almost got into) focus on my exact research field, while my chosen program does not. If it was only about academics and rankings, I don't think I'd still be struggling over this too much.

 

My question is this: Do other accepted PhDs still look back and wonder about -- or even continue to grieve -- the ones that got away? At what point does that feeling dissipate? I've been really working to adjust my attitude but feel that my drive and enthusiasm are slowly being drained away. I'm grateful to be in a funded PhD program yet I still have application rejection nightmares, wtf.

 

Any words of wisdom? Suggestions? Commiserations? Or "don't worry, this is normal for new PhD students" ... or even "buck up and be grateful"-isms?

Edited March 9, 2013 by wintergirl

[aud]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time in your current program. I can't say I know what that's like but I understand the dilemma. I'm not in a program yet but hope to be in one this Fall. I only applied to 2 schools because only 2 felt like a good fit for me, and I didn't want to compromise. I haven't heard back from my 2nd choice, and am 1st on the wait list for my first. I'm pretty sure the 2 who have been offered will not refuse the spots so I'm quite devastated — been moping all week. I can't believe how hard a time I'm having getting over this and honestly fear it'd scarred me for life. My profs have recommended that I cast my net wider next year but I afraid I might settle, and am not sure I want to go through the entire wretched application process again.

 

I'd agree that a PhD program is about a lot more than academics and rankings. If you're not satisfied with your work, you're going to be burned out before you complete the program. I wonder if it'd be worth it for you to try and transfer. If you have a relationship with a faculty member at your top choice, he/she might be able to help you. I know of people who have done that.

 

My 2 cents worth.

[emmm]

Well, it sounds as though you realize you are lucky to be in a funded program (in the humanities, no less!), so that's out of the way. And you don't need the lecture about only applying to schools you'd be happy to attend. The reality is, no matter how much preparatory research you do, you won't really know what a program is like until you're in it. Unfortunately, it's a reality of life that things don't always work out as you imagine they will, and you can't always predict what will be a good fit for you. What you need to determine now is whether you can adjust to the reality of your current situation enough to make it tolerable (hopefully, better than just tolerable), or if it might be better to look around for other options. Also, given how competitive admissions are nowadays, no one should ever take rejections (even multiple rejections) personally. I think there is a large degree of random luck involved.

[kaputzing]

My impression: You're thinking of the other schools as if you had gotten in and were forced to decline their admissions to go to your current school. You are feeling bad, because you feel as if you've missed out on certain opportunities and "settled" for a lesser school. But you weren't accepted at the other schools; you didn't make the cut, no matter how close you were to the cut. So basically, you're just being silly. Buck up and be grateful. It's stupid and pointless to think "what if?"

 

Now that the harsh words are out of the way, how closely does current research actually fit with the research you want to do? If it's completely different, then maybe think about transferring and mention this to your advisor. Keep in mind that your transfer applications may not be successful and that you may still wind up stuck at your program in a potentially awkward situation, where your cohort and profs know you want out but didn't succeed in getting out.

Edited March 9, 2013 by kaputzing

[CarlieE]

I think occasionally about the schools I didn't get into... Not with regret but I wonder what life might like if I had gotten accepted and gone there instead... Just random thoughts... I also wonder about what my experience might've been like if I had stayed with history instead of anthro... I understand what you mean though when you wonder and feel bad. I applied to 5 schools and luckily got into my first choice but I got rejected from all the others. When I feel down on myself I get into a rut thinking that maybe I really wasn't good enough and that luck really carried me all the way through... It's the imposter syndrome talking and trying to suck me into a depressed vortex... I think it might be worthwhile to examine why you're not happy with your program and if a switch might be worth it.

[ELM616]

I've gotten the impression that transfering to another program after your first year is acceptable and not uncommon. I know a former classmate of mine went to Columbia, finished the first year, then transferred to MIT for prestige and better fit.

 

Just ask yourself if you will really be happier at the other school or maybe you're just in a funk. But if you've done well in your current school and you have good relationships with your professors, then you shouldn't be afraid to approach your advisor and discuss transfering for a better fit. Maybe you could even just tell them you have a significant other at said program and you wanna transfer to be closer to them?

[juilletmercredi]

I can't say that I looked back and wondered too much.  I did a bit during my third year, but it was different - I was feeling depressed and unmotivated in my PhD program, and my other choice during my application season was a 2-year MPH program (I had originally only been planning to get an MPH, possibly work for a few years, and then return for a PhD).  I eventually got over it through counseling and by realizing I had made the best possible decision for myself at the time, and also reminding myself that I couldn't go back in time, only forward.  It was up to me to make the best of the decision I had made, and decide what I wanted to do with it - either stay in or leave for good.  (I stayed.)

 

I think looking back is more of a symptom than a cause.  If you're unhappy with the current state of affairs, it's pretty easy to believe that the grass is greener on the other side and think that you wouldn't be so unhappy if only you had gone to Happy Shiny University instead of the one you are.  That's because from the outside, you can't see Happy Shiny's shortcomings, only the positives.

 

If you're currently in a program with funding, presumably you have health insurance.  Perhaps you want to take some time and talk to a counselor about this.  It sounds like you may be struggling with some mental health issues that are contributing to your distress, and that the ruminating is only a sign of that problem.

 

I don't think lying to your professors about a significant other at another program as a reason to transfer is a good idea.  The academic world is small.  If you did want to transfer, the best policy is to be unhappy - and anyway, lack of research fit is a much, much more reasonable reason to transfer than an SO in a professor's eyes.  But the OP doesn't sound like their happy in their program per se, just that they often wonder what it would be like to be somewhere else.  I don't know that you're on the cusp of transferring just yet.

[snarky]

After a few years, you might understand the reason why you didn't get into those places and not feel so bad. The thing is that there are a lot of weird complications in the process, for example, even if you are interested in the same topic as someone else in the department, you may come from a substantially different theoretical framework/orientation. Or they may have been trying to find students in other subfields to round out the department a little more. Or other random weird political things, for example another competing applicant has similar credentials as you but their recommender is very famous or has connections to the department, or that student knows the faculty personally some other way (from a conference, summer school, etc.).

 

Many of us got some rejections. In my case, over time it became completely obvious why I got into some places and not others. And anyway, being a grad student is pretty much all about putting yourself up for rejection constantly -- for conferences, defenses, journal submissions. Then if you "make it", you get to hear people critique your work all the time. So, you've got to have somewhat thick skin. It can take a little bit to get used to that... 

Edited March 21, 2013 by snarky

[Ambigiousbuthopeful]

I received an offer from my top choice but rejections from all the other schools I applied to. I really can't complain, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't sting. I think the best thing to do is rationalise it and not take it personally. Every time I wonder what exactly the problem was (did I choose the schools with poor fit? Was it my unflattering gre score?) I force myself not to dwell on it because ultimately there are a hundred different variables and some you have no control over. 

 

As far as your situation goes, I have heard of students  who faced with a similar situation get in touch with faculty outside their institutions for advice, informal input and so on. Developing alternative sources of intellectual support may be a good idea and I think faculty usually are responsive/ helpful when approached by students working in their field. Talking about your work in this way might even have a positive effect on motivational levels!