Burnout? Or is academic not for me?

[semicolon2013]

I am a senior in college, planning to apply to PhD programs in the fall.  I have wanted to pursue an academic career throughout all of college and last year I even applied for and received an external scholarship for grad school in literature.

 

This semester, however, I have been struggling. I can't concentrate, I waste hours of time instead of working, and I am not happy with how my honors thesis is turning out.  I often just feel stuck and look for excuses to not do schoolwork.  I feel frustrated when I get feedback on thesis drafts or papers.  My gpa will be lower this semester than any other semester.  

 

Part of this is due to personal circumstances and the stress of being a senior.  But I also can't help but wonder if I am making the right choice.  I know many people on this message board will say academia is always the wrong choice, or that if I am questioning then it is not for me, but I don't think it's that simple.  I have felt for years that this is the right path and that I'm pretty good at what I do. Now I feel like nothing I do is good enough, and I am really floundering.  However, I don't just want to give up on this idea and I am also worried about disappointing everyone who has helped me.  

 

It's hard to separate how much of these feelings is just momentary stress/depression and burnout and how much is real questioning of my future career path.  I have not had a break from academic work that lasted more than a few days since the beginning of last summer, and that might be part of it (I spent all my breaks catching up on assignments, working as a research assistant, studying for written/oral exams, etc.)

 

I am also a bit worried about sharing too much of this with my professors because I don't want it to affect their LORs, even on a subconscious level.  

 

Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

 

Edit: Sorry for the typo in the thread title.

Edited April 18, 2013 by semicolon2013

[KeelyMK]

Wow, get out of my head. Unfortunately I don't have any advice as of yet, because aside from the application season, I think literally every other thing you said applies to me too right now. I'm legitimately afraid I won't even graduate. I'd appreciate words other people would have to offer too, so thanks for this honest post.

[asleepawake]

Take a break and wait a year to apply. There is no rush. Teach abroad, go work on a cruise ship, go back to your high school job, whatever. Just clear your brain and take a break for academia. Figure out if it is what you want. Is there something else you might prefer? Is there some job you assume you could never get? Apply for it.

If this is just the senior blahs, you'll know it pretty quickly. Maybe even early enough to still apply in the Fall. But why should you rush into a huge commitment for the next 5 to 8 years of your life if you don't know that it is what you want to do?

[Taco Superior]

I agree with asleepawake. I think the prescription for this malaise is pretty clear: instead of applying right away, apply fall '15. A little time away will almost certainly help to clarify things.

 

For Keely though, since you're already signed up, maybe just try to chill out over the Summer and not be all grad-schooly ahead of time--you'll have like 6 or 8 years for that, starting soon!!!

 

I'm in the opposite position of not having been in school for a long time, and I can tell you that time away has made me WAY more excited about the academy than I ever was in undergrad, when I took a lot of stuff for granted.

[literary_tourist]

I agree that time away can get one excited to go back to the academy.

 

May be great to take a job, the other job that you fancied. If it turns out that it really sucks, it will get you wanting to go back to school again.

 

Note: try avoiding call centers.

Edited April 18, 2013 by literary_tourist

[antecedent]

I took a year off and it was worth it. I love what I'm studying, I love my program, and I'm more sure than ever that a PhD is what I want to do next. When I finished my undergrad, I mostly wanted to crawl under a rock and die. My year off was hard but it was totally worth it. 

[ComeBackZinc]

Take a break. Get some distance from academia. Try to make a little money. And if you do decide to pursue this, be totally realistic with yourself about the job market and the financial burden.

[Gwendolyn]

Perhaps it's just me, but it sounds like you have a typical case of senioritis.
 
Although I'm not really too too concerned with my grades this final semester, I certainly find it hard to concentrate, I have an extreme (EXTREME) lack of motivation, and I most certainly can find more reasons to procrastinate than ever before. I don't think those who go into academia are special in that they tend to not feel "burnt out" during their last semester of undergrad. I mean, the last semester of undergrad tends to be the most strenuous semester for most people for multiple reasons... It's common. Additionally, out of all of the friends I have who are going to graduate school in the fall, I don't know anyone who hasn't exasperatedly said, "I just want to graduate" at one point or another.
 
I do think, however, that if you're starting to feel that you aren't excited about academia, then you might want to reconsider/take time off. If the excitement is still present, then I think perhaps a vacation over the summer might suffice (but of course these are merely my humble two pennies). 
 
Edit: This thread might be of some some use/consolation:

Edited April 18, 2013 by Gwendolyn

[crazyhappy]

I agree with asleepawake. I think the prescription for this malaise is pretty clear: instead of applying right away, apply fall '15. A little time away will almost certainly help to clarify things.

 

For Keely though, since you're already signed up, maybe just try to chill out over the Summer and not be all grad-schooly ahead of time--you'll have like 6 or 8 years for that, starting soon!!!

 

I'm in the opposite position of not having been in school for a long time, and I can tell you that time away has made me WAY more excited about the academy than I ever was in undergrad, when I took a lot of stuff for granted.

agree 100%.  I actually took 10 years off and had a large family.  Now I crave every second I get working on this stuff!  If you really want to do it, time away can make that clearer sometimes.  I always knew I wanted this, but now I have the energy and focus that will help me succeed.  Which ever way you decide, I wish you the best!

[champagne]

This will be an echo of what has already been posted, but I figured I would add my personal experience to the foray.

 

Go get a job at least for the summer and find a shitty studio apartment to live in for that time. I think it's important to emulate the squalor that you will experience doing something you (hopefully) love in graduate school. Or, if you do want to opt for the entire extra year off, find an entry level copy-writing position, work at an non-profit, or travel abroad and teach. At worst, you realize that graduate school is the only thing that will make you happy, and you move forward with applying to incredible programs. At best, you find another career path that you see as a great option, and you contribute to the world in that way.

 

This is anecdotal, but I think it might help in your situation. I decided fairly early on that I wanted a career in academia, but like everyone else, I got the gloom and doom talk from all of my closest mentors. I took their advice and went job hunting on the open market. I actually landed an incredible job that I do enjoy, but I still find myself in the basements of libraries with no idea how I got there. I told my advisers about my condition, and they, then, let me know that the only cure was graduate school. Now, I have a clearer idea of who I am as a person, and that, I think, leads to clearer goals as an academic. This clarity, of course, leads to--hopefully--a more attractive application. Whatever happens, though, at least I know I can stand on my own two feet regardless of what happens.

[egwynn]

Maybe I'm swimming upstream here, but I would apply if I were you.  I say that because I think I probably was you, and I applied, and I went, and I'm about to do it again (the going; I've already done the applying again).  

 

I guess I'm assuming that your malaise is not frustration with academia but frustration with your current position; I felt that at the end of undergrad and I feel that now at the end of my master's (exhibit a: I am on here and watching Chopped instead of marking papers).  By the end of undergrad, I just wanted to burn all of the books I'd ever read and run out and join the circus or something, but within three weeks of graduation, I felt like I needed to be reading and writing, I was worried about my next project, and so on. Right now I want to take my cat and run away to the midwest where I would find a job at a diner and make just enough money for kibble and freezer pizza.  But I know that, by mid-June, I'm going to be researching and getting excited about the next place I'm going to study and all the awesome things I'll be learning there.  So... I'd apply, if I were you.  Unless you feel that it is not where you're studying, I think that it's a really good bet that you're just feeling the impatience that I think nearly everyone feels when they're almost done with what is basically a huge project.  It's probably just that there's an end in sight and you want it to be here now (and, ideally, without you having to do the work required to get there).

[BrookeSnow]

Your story is exactly how I ended my senior year of undergrad/student teaching. I was tired, burnt out and pretty much just didn't care anymore. I took two years off. Did some exploration of the types of jobs I would probably would have made a career without grad school. It has been worth it. I am finishing up my second year working at a non profit through AmeriCorps. In the fall I will be starting my fully funded M.A. program. I needed the time to get away from school and think about what I really wanted to do with my life. Turns out, it was grad school. It was easier to apply after taking a step back ( at least for me) I wasn't trying to juggle class and applications etc.

 

You might just need some time. I will agree with Lons though, it can't hurt to go ahead and apply. The reflection period most of us seem to be suggesting doesn't have to last two years, as someone up thread mentioned four weeks after graduation you could be chomping at the bit to get back to work.

[dazedandbemused]

I'm in the "you might just have senioritis" camp. I finished my senior year on a serious high, because I was researching things that I felt very strongly about; right now I'm finishing the year in a state of inertia because I'm at the end of a non-degree semester and it just feels unbelievably futile to be doing anything. I'm not worried though, because all I can think about is that soon I'll have the time to write about texts that I love and develop a new theoretical framework that I'm really excited about and that I've been working on for awhile. Maybe you're just tired, or maybe you aren't passionate about the stuff that you're currently doing. If you still feel excited about your research interests and you feel better once the excessive stress of the end of school has worn off, you should apply

[somethinbruin]

So...I actually have three (widely divergent) options for you. Perhaps one of them will be the right fit for you.

 

1. I also don't think there's any harm in applying in the fall. If you apply in the fall, that means you won't start for a year, so you'll have some time off and time away from studying. That will give you at least a modicum of distance and perspective on whether the academy is right for you.

 

2. Or, you could consider a stand-alone MA program instead of going right into a combined MA/PhD program. Going the MA route first can give you a change of scenery/professors to work with. It will give you a gauge of how much you need to up your game to be ready for PhD work, as the step up is considerable. Many MA programs also let their GTAs teach, so you'll get a sense of whether teaching in the academy is really for you.

 

3. Of course, I could also advocate shelving the PhD talk for a while and taking some concrete time away from school. That is, after all, what I did. I worked as a reporter and editor for a few years. I wrote every day, which turned out to be great experience once I went back. I think I was better prepared, but I also will not get my PhD until I'm about 35 (not old, but not exactly young, either, eh?). Still, working for 6 years was long enough to convince me of what I really wanted to do.

 

I think only you can really decide if you're having a legit change of heart, or if you're just burned out. Take some quiet time to start working through those feelings--talk to your friends and allow them to support you. You sound burned out to me, but it's your call. I just wanted to let you know that you have several different options on how to proceed, and that time is on your side. You do not have to decide your entire future tonight. Or tomorrow for that matter. If you step away, it will still be there later. 

 

Truly, the best of luck to you. Trust yourself and you will make the decision that is right for you. 

[1Q84]

I'm in the opposite position of not having been in school for a long time, and I can tell you that time away has made me WAY more excited about the academy than I ever was in undergrad, when I took a lot of stuff for granted.

 

 

agree 100%.  I actually took 10 years off and had a large family.  Now I crave every second I get working on this stuff!  If you really want to do it, time away can make that clearer sometimes.  I always knew I wanted this, but now I have the energy and focus that will help me succeed.  Which ever way you decide, I wish you the best!

 

Same here! I'm 6 years out of school (except for an 8 month B.Ed that doesn't really count) and I'm grateful every second that I look at my acceptance letters. Can't wait to enroll and get back into it!

 

So, really, take some time off and if you feel the calling again, you'll know what to do. If you happen to find something that's wonderful and makes you happy outside of academia, well then you just saved yourself a ton of money and time (and possibly angst).

[Two Espressos]

I wouldn't worry too much, OP: you might just have senioritis!  I'm feeling extremely lazy and burnt out as well-- I'm days away from finishing my B.A. degree, and while I'm trying to stay motivated and invested in my coursework, all I can think about is ditching this shit and beginning to read and research the stuff I hope to work on when I start my Ph.D. program this fall.  So while our circumstances aren't exactly the same, my initial guess is that you're just feeling regular academic burnout.  But as other posters suggest, taking time off might be a good idea to ensure that that is the case!

[egwynn]

2. Or, you could consider a stand-alone MA program instead of going right into a combined MA/PhD program. Going the MA route first can give you a change of scenery/professors to work with. It will give you a gauge of how much you need to up your game to be ready for PhD work, as the step up is considerable. Many MA programs also let their GTAs teach, so you'll get a sense of whether teaching in the academy is really for you.

 

I should add that I am not sure that I would feel as strongly that the OP should probably just go for it if I had gone straight to an MA/PhD program.  By doing an MA (and taking two years to do it), I really got to gauge how I feel about the profession.  I was able to experience rather extreme disenchantment and decide that I still really want to be doing what I'm doing, and that is pretty invaluable in my mind.  And I also got to teach for three semesters.  Going through a separate/terminal MA first will (perhaps) take you longer to get to the PhD, but, if you decide you hate it, you've invested a lot less and you can get out in a short period of time with a degree or drop out without it feeling like quite so much of a letdown.  If you decide you love it, you'll really know what to shop for because you'll have a much better idea of 1) how schools sell themselves, 2) what they actually have to offer vs. what they say they're offering, 3) the kind of environment you want to work in, and 4) how to choose a degree that has a better chance of getting you what you want in the long run.

[antecedent]

I should add that after about 6 months of existential crisis I did apply to 5 programs the fall after I graduated. It was a great decision, leading to the masters at a great school etc etc

[jazzyd]

Oh wow, I feel like I could have written the exact same thing. Unfortunately this means that I, like Keely, don't have a definite cure or I'd be using it already! To your benefit, you'll be applying Fall 2014, so you have over a year to be away from classes and the academic environment before you'd start a PhD program in Fall 2015.

 

As of now I'm planning on enjoying 3 months of relaxation and casual reading at my own pace. I'm pretty much banking on that being enough time to refresh my brain and emotions

 

Finally, I don't think it would be wrong to mention your concerns to professors, but I'm warning you that they will probably suggest you take a year off and/or consider other career options. The road to the professoriate is longer than long and I know if I were a professor I would rather see a student realize it isn't for them as an undergraduate than realize this 4 years into graduate study.

[Bennett]

To add a few pragmatic notes to this discussion:

 

1. Have you considered ADD? I have a friend who struggled endlessly with his B.A. thesis--felt unfocused and unable to concentrate, unhappy with the results--and then he got on Ritalin and banged out the whole thing in a month.

 

2. Beyond the biochemical (and cue discussions on the mind/body problematic) I think that many intelligent people struggle a lot with intellectual production. Yes, you're a senior, but in addition to this being your last year you're also being asked to produce a project--your thesis--which will in some way be the definitive résumé of your years in academia and a statement of your thinking and your work. That can be horrible. There is a gap between what you want to achieve and what you're actually capable of achieving. (Creative writers struggle with this--their grand vision of a novel reduced to a few scraps of paper--but academics do as well.) To some extent, that limitation is inherent to the form: one can simply never write as much or as exhaustively as one would want, the scope's inevitably reduced, etc. Also, for ambitious intellectual types--and I sincerely hope you are one--there's a gap between what you want to "know"--and to be able to talk about authoritatively--and the actual amount of knowledge you've been able to absorb in a mere four years. 

 

Should this last thing be a source of concern? It depends. On one hand, the struggle will never go away: the formal limitations are, as I said, inherent, and there will *always* be more things you wish you'd read, or re-read, or had understood more fully. In that sense, anxiety about production and perfection and intellectual competence is a lifelong problem. On the other hand, you really *will* have read more things 5+ years from now than is currently the case, you *will* be a more competent scholar, etc. If this kind of anxiety is the source of your problem, the question is not how to get rid of it but how to work with it productively. I think it helps to view papers and thesis projects not as some ultimate summation of your work and thought, but rather as explorative and speculative and even tentative projects--a reflection of where you are right now, thinking through things in process, rather than as a final end-point. In other words, the secret to academia seems to me to be an acceptance of imperfection.

 

Edit: For what it's worth: that same friend, before he got on Ritalin, was incapable of starting on a chapter and kept continually re-writing the first page. He was struggling to express his thoughts and felt like he would never be able to get them out. So I sent him an e-mail and asked what his chapter was about. The result? He e-mailed me back with a flawless explanation that ran to 10 pages.

 

The question being: was his problem ADD or just the crippling effect of the blank page, which he escaped when writing to me, informally, in an e-mail? F*ck if I know. (That gets at mind/body and mind/brain dynamics, which isn't my field.) Tentatively, I'd guess both. Also, while this whole "I have a friend" thing smells suspicious, I really am speaking about someone else... though I've also struggled with all these things.

[deciding]

I think this is totally normal. Time away would get you excited, but I don't think it's necessary. I think you'll get over your burnout over the summer, just make sure not to read any books    If you can get into a good program right away, I'd say go for it. There's a lot to be said for getting your education over with while you're young. Once you're in graduate school, you will still have summers off and you can manage your time so that you don't get burned out, if you're smart and don't overload by taking on unnecessary posts and responsibilities. Academics is awesome because you will get paid to do what you love. It's totally normal to feel burned out. Just don't make school your whole life (I mean once you get into grad school), relax a little, allow yourself time to chill away from books, and you'll be fine. Anything you do in the real world will probably also burn you out! 

[Alex0266]

I love Bennett's advice!

 

My problems are quite analogous to those of the OP. I haven't been able to focus doing academic work for about a month, and the oral defence of my BA thesis is taking place in a week. Anxieties about graduation and application for graduate studies are overwhelming. 

 

What is the most frustrating about theory is that critics continuously refer to previous philosophers, which makes their already difficult writing even more obscure. Terry Eagleton, for example, keeps on talking about Hegel and other names with which I am not a bit familiar. And my terrible understanding of his theory made the theoretical framework of my thesis rather frail. 

 

However, those frustrations have helped me made my decision about application. I've decided to apply to MA programs to hone my academic skills and see if I am or will be a fit for academia. 

 

Do I need to have a clear plan about what I will be doing for an MA application? Personally, I'd like to figure out my particular field of interest when doing the MA but I not sure if it is acceptable for Adcoms. 

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

I definitely recommend getting an MA first. I actually wanted to go straight to the PhD, but wound up going the route of the MA first because of funding, etc. and it was the best decision. I loved being able to establish myself more as an academic and to get more practice with writing at the graduate level/taking courses at the graduate level. I was also able to teach, which was great practice and is something that I know I don't have to worry about learning how to do while also starting a PhD. 

 

But, for me, I'm in no hurry to have a tenure track job. I didn't mind taking the extra time. I also took a year off in between my BA and my MA and am now taking another year off in between my MA and my PhD (I'm teaching in the mean time). Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it kind of looks better that you've gotten some time away from the BA, grown up a bit, honed your skills, and then start graduate degrees. I think the admissions committee wants to see that you're mature and still capable. But, who really knows what they like...that's just my two cents. 

[egwynn]

I agree with Bunny but, as someone who has gone straight through from the BA, I really don't understand this idea that you're not "grown up" if you haven't taken a year off.  I just don't agree with it; I feel plenty grown up, and I feel that--even though I assume this isn't the intention here--the idea that you have to leave school to "grow up" is belittling and false.  Working outside of academia surely has many advantages, but I just don't appreciate this simplistic evaluation of non-academic life as the only place to "mature." Surely it is a place to test your boundaries, decide if academia is for you, diversify your skillset, and so on, and so forth.  But progressing beyond childhood, young-adulthood, and even the 20-something ennui can be accomplished within academia.

Edited April 27, 2013 by Lons

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

I didn't mean to imply that being "grown up" can only happen outside of academia--actually, I think it happens inside academia also. What I meant was, that, from what I've heard, they like to see that you're more "settled." So, I was given the advice to try to find editing/writing/teaching jobs or something else relevant to what you want to study in order to solidify grad school as your ultimate goal. I was told repeatedly by professors to take a year off since grad school is so demanding--they thought it was a good idea to "live" a little more before being bogged down in grad school. I actually didn't want to take off any time, but for various reasons had to, and now appreciate that I did. It's not so much that getting away from academia is better or makes you more mature, it's that just being straight up older and more experienced in life makes you a better--or should I say different-- candidate. Academia or no, age does change people. I'm much different now with my MA and my extra 2 years off (where I was a nanny, a server at a bar, and a teacher), than I was straight out of my BA--even though my scholarly interests have not shifted much. That's all I was trying to say... sorry if it came off as "belittling."