Starting PhD Pregnant

[cpie]

Hi All,  I will be starting my PhD program at my top choice school in August. About a month or so after accepting the offer, I got pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned, but I am planning to have the baby. I also definitely plan to still move and attend grad school in August. My question is: How and when do I tell my advisor? Who else do I need to tell at the school and when? I am only 6 weeks pregnant, so I definitely do not plan to tell my advisor until I'm at least 3 months pregnant. I also wonder if it is best to wait until I arrive in town so I can tell him face to face. I do not want to start off our relationship with dishonesty, but I feel like pregnancy is a private thing. My due date is December 30, so I should be able to complete the Fall Semester before giving birth. I most likely will be TAing in the fall, but not the spring. I plan to have help with the baby until I am able to start using daycare at 6 weeks, so would just need some flexibility at the start of Spring Semester to do some work from home. Any advice on how to handle this? When I arrive I will be 4 months pregnant and most likely showing. Thanks!

[free_radical]

Does your school have an official maternity leave policy?  I can't offer any specific advice since I've never been in this situation myself, but I think knowing the maternity leave policy before talking to your advisor will put in you a stronger position.  

[cpie]

My understanding of the policy is that I would not qualify for paid maternity leave because I will not have been there for a year before having the baby.

[Andean Pat]

Congratulations!!! I am one of those people that cheers for the coming of a new life to the world. I am not in grad school yet, but it has crossed my mind "what if I get pregnant in these months?!". Yes, I know, I am quite anxious... anyway, as you said, I would also wait until the third month. Now, since this would be in July, it's probably best to wait until you get to your school (congrats on this as well, btw) to talk to your advisor face-to-face. It seems your dates fit very well your academic calendar and you have it quite figure it out, with the help and the daycare. Probably the worse months will be in the Spring, when the baby is very small, and you'll probably want to be with him/her all the time. 

[juilletmercredi]

First of all, congratulations!  I know that this was unplanned, but you plan to keep the baby and so it's a celebration

 

Second of all, this is tricky but I think this is about your comfort level.  Like you, I believe that a pregnancy (and any other health issues) are private and really only the PI's business to the extent that it affects your health.  Personally, I would wait until I arrived on campus, got settled in, and had my first meeting with my advisor.  I would mention it very matter-of-factly.  "Professor X, I just want to let you know that I am pregnant, and due in late December.  I'm just letting you know so we can discuss my plans for spring semester 2014."  And then begin discussing how you plan to handle the spring…don't let the conversation derail from being about how you're going to work your pregnancy around working (unless it turns into positive baby-talk, which is okay if you want!)

 

For what it's worth, I had a woman in my cohort get pregnant in our first year (maybe it was the beginning of our second year, I don't remember, but it was definitely during the coursework phase and our coursework here lasts 2-3 years).  She has since had another baby, and she's still here, trucking along and being awesome.  It can be done, so don't let people discourage you.  Only you can decide what you can and can't handle and do.  Lots of people do PhDs with children.

[SeriousSillyPutty]

Congrats!  I know this will be a lot of work and exhausting on several levels, but babies are just so amazing.

Ditto everything about reading official policies and talking to the adviser matter-of-factly.

Have you talked to any of the grad students already in the program?  You could email someone you've met -- or get an email address off the website, if you felt comfortable -- and ask for the names of current grad students with children, who you could get more information from.  Of course, anything discussed by grad students could get out to the broader department, but I think most people would be discrete if you explicitly requested discretion.

Or, health services might know about support groups for students with children, and the people there could give you more insights with a little more anonymous.

Also, I know the waiting list for university daycare can be really long at my school.  Can you get on the waiting list while pregnant? It'd be worth scoping out things now (if you haven't yet) and then, when you get there, checking out alternative daycares, if needed.

Good luck!

[ANDS!]

I'm not sure what waiting gains someone?  They aren't going to renig on the offer (like any physical change it's up to the student to adapt), but no one likes surprises - especially one that can be communicated in like a single email, and followed up with some tips and maybe even referrals on daycare and other resources available.

[Cookie]

I'm shortlisted for donating an organ.  I have discussed this with my PI and hes being supportive.  I believe everyone should.  I'll keep you and your baby in my prayers

[+Whiskey]

Congratulations! I had two kids in my four years of undergrad, and I'm starting an awesome PhD program in the fall. It will be difficult, but honestly I think having young children in grad school is probably easier than having young children in many other careers or phases of academic careers, due to having a bit more flexibility than say.... a new lawyer or an assistant professor. 

 

If I were in your position, I would learn everything I could about the resources that will be available to you and the policies that will affect you right away. At some schools, you can sit down with someone for a personal consultation to sort all that out, which can be very helpful and specific. Your school probably has parent groups you could check out to get info from people who have had babies as grad students at your institution, and hopefully even in your department. Also, I wouldn't necessarily wait to tell your adviser until you arrive in person visibly pregnant. There might be advantages to letting him/her know as soon as you're ready to share the news with other acquaintances. When I told my adviser that I'd be moving cross-country to join the program with two young kids, he immediately put me in touch with other parents in the department, who've already been invaluable sources of information. Sharing the news and getting some support in place before you arrive might soften your landing and spread out the stress of the first term a little. 

 

Good luck!! 

[whirledpeas13]

First, congratulations! I will be entering an MA program in the fall with my 1 yr old. After I was officially accepted I shared this with my advisor to solicit his advice regarding funding and other opportunities. I would do the same with a pregnancy, but I would certainly wait until at least 8 weeks. 13 weeks and the chance of a miscarriage is almost trivial. Also, whether you have a supportive husband or partner coming along will make a huge difference! It is important to plan for pregnancy-related complications now, like pre or post term birth, swelling, nausea, bed rest... Etc! Best of luck. Stay strong.

[bfat]

As others have said, congrats! I had a baby last year during my MA, and I'm now moving on to a PhD with (what will be) a 1-year-old. The first semester back was really rough (I went back to class when she was 2 weeks old), but then this past semester I finished my coursework, finished and defended my thesis, and taught two courses, all while she was between 5 and 8 months old. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it can be done! I told my professors when I was about 5 months along (it took me a little while to show), and they were all very understanding.

 

Most grad schools have a maternity/paternity policy, and the grad administrator would probably be very helpful in discussing it. I plan on having another baby in about 2 years, and I know the school I'll be attending has policies in place for grad students who have children, as it's relatively common.

 

Please feel free to PM me with any questions! (I'm also kind of a birth activist and have TONS of info on pregnancy and birth.)

 

Good luck, and congrats again!

[oopalfrootz]

I definitely agree: wait until you're there and can talk to your supervisor in person, and you have a rapport going. 'No one likes a surprise' would only come into play if you decided to tell them a month beforehand! At roughly the same time, contact HR or who ever deals with these things to ask about how they can help you. 

[psychgirl33]

Hi - I know this is an old post, but in Googling this topic, I found it!..and am very excited I did, as there is very little information on this specific topic!

 

Cpie: I am in a similar position as the one you were in when you started your program! I found out I was pregnant a little over a month after I accepted an offer and am due in mid-January. I wanted to reach out to see how your first-year experience was and if you have any tips for others!

 

Thank you!

[la_bonera]

I just had a crazy dream last night about this exact situation happening to me. I'm so curious to see how it turned out for Cpie!

[Crafter]

Congratulations on the admission and of course, your baby.

 

I will be starting my PhD with a 2.5 years old earthquake. I did not attend school while pregnant or with a small baby, but the first 4 months or so are difficult. But I agree with others, it is possible, since I know many who have done great at school while tending for their babies. Also, let your advisor know until you get there. It should be fine. Many people will offer support.

 

Do sign up for daycare's waitlist ASAP.

 

Now, even when usually your pregnancy and eventual maternity should not be an issue to your mentor, we have all sorts of people in this world. If you feel like your pregnancy is not being welcomed you may want to discuss this with your department and make sure can sort things out (like changing mentors, maybe?). Of course, all this after you have discussed your situation in person with the PI.

 

Good luck!

[ProfLorax]

Congrats psychgirl33! I will be starting my third year as a PhD student with a beautiful eight month old daughter. I spent my second year pregnant, and I'm happy to answer any questions you have about navigating grad school while pregnant. I found very little info when I was googling myself. Most of the articles were advising students when to get pregnant, which just totally grossed me out.

 

I just had lunch with a colleague who accepted a tenure track position and is expecting in October. When she accepted her offer, she said something about the lines of, "I'm excited to tell you the happy news that I am pregnant and expecting in October. I would like to start in January. Thank you for your consideration." She was forward about it and framed her pregnancy as good news. The department congratulated her and said it was fine that she start in January. Turned out to be a non-issue! 

 

Here's some advice:

 

--Never apologize for being pregnant and needing time off to go to the doctor or maternity leave!

--Make a Plan B. I was due in December, so I had Incomplete paperwork on standby and some colleagues who volunteered to finish grading if I went into labor early. Fortunately, Baby E came a few days after her due date, so I was able to finish up the semester. But it was really nice to know that I had everything covered if she came early.

--Get as much time off as you can. You never know how your birth will go. I needed six weeks of recovery time for various reasons I'm happy to share with you after you've had your baby! Also, if you plan on nursing, breastfeeding takes a while to figure out. So time off is so valuable. I had originally planned on going back much sooner but decided to teach an overload in the Fall, so I could have Spring off. I'm really happy I did that.

--Get on daycare waitlists ASAP. Unfortunately, it's really hard to find quality part-time infant care. Also, and I learned this the hard way just now, don't wait for your department to give you your schedule (this applies if you're teaching). Figure out childcare first; then, let your department when you're available. I made the mistake of waiting for my teaching schedule, and by the time I had gotten it, all the day care spots filled up. We hired a nanny, which is breaking the bank. I adore her, but I wish we didn't have to spend so much money this first year.

--Find the other parents in your program and department. We have a handful of moms in mine, and they have been lifesavers. They have given us advice, helped with our registry, and delivered meals after we got home from the hospital.

--Similarly, seek out an awesome mentor, even if she is not in your area of interest, who is also a parent and can advocate for you and support you on this front.

--Be gentle with yourself and practice self-care. I got much better at saying no and establishing boundaries when I was pregnant. I'm glad I practiced then because I'm using those skills way more now. 

--Pregnancy is hard on the body and mind, but if you can, find some quiet moments to marvel at what your body is doing. You're growing a human! That's pretty gosh darn amazing. 

[rising_star]

The discussion here might be helpful: 

[psychgirl33]

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice!! I was happily surprised to see all of your responses!!

[aurora017]

Hi all! I'm glad there are others in the same boat as me.  I actually have somewhat of a different situation than most on here and am looking for advice/thoughts from other grad student moms.  Here's the rundown of my grad career so far:

- Entered Ph.D. program Fall 2011

- Had first baby Spring 2012, left school for 2 years

- Had another baby during 2 years of leave

- Returned Fall of 2014 and am now ABD with 100 pages written 

- And it looks like I'm pregnant again!!!!

Writing a dissertation with 2 toddlers hasn't been easy of course, but I made time at night, etc.  Now if I'm pregnant AGAIN I have until Feb. 2017 to either 1) finish this thing as fast as possible or 2) continue at my normal pace and apply for grants if need be to finish up my 6th year in the program (we're only technically funded for 4).  

All of that being said...I know it's probably insanity to try to finish this with two kids AND a newborn, but not finishing isn't an option and I don't have any leave left.  I also don't necessarily want to write a crappy dissertation "just to get it done," although I can live with that if need be.  I really do enjoy grad school and there aren't a lot of jobs in my field, so this might be the last time I can research and teach for money (hence my hesitation on just finishing up and getting the heck out).  

As you can see, this is a pretty confusing time!!! Any suggestions??!!!!

Thanks in advance :-)

[fuzzylogician]

Based on zero relevant experience: I imagine with that set of circumstances I would do everything in my power to be done before the new baby arrives. I think things will get more complicated if you wait and the chances of not finishing increase. Even if you choose to wait with the filing date until a later date, I think that the goal should be to work hard now and make as much progress as possible. If you aren't planning on a career in academia, I think you just want to write something that's good enough and be done with it. The quality of your dissertation isn't going to matter that much if you go into industry. If you can do that before you have your baby, that's probably best. Things are obviously different if you do hope to stay in academia, but only in the sense that what counts as "good enough" will be different, not (in my opinion) in the sense that you really want to write to do a good enough job to get you to the next level and not a whole lot more. As for wanting to stick around to do more research/teaching before you graduate, can't you still get the bulk of the dissertation (or all of it) out of the way early but still find a way to stay a bit longer as a student and not officially file? I'd think about that separately than how fast you'd want to get the dissertation done. But if you're leaving your field, there is something to be said for getting that first job and having more relevant experience, as opposed to staying a student for a bit longer, because it's going to end soon enough either way. 

(And all this said, kudos to you for getting your PhD with two toddlers and a baby on the way!)

[Paty]

It is my case also! I ve been accepted in a phd program in germany (I am from latín america) starting next march. I dont know how the PI will receive the news. May be I should ask her if thw posición will still open for next year? I would prefer to travel with the baby instead of being pregnant in a differnt country where i dont even know the health system.  What do you think?

[Yanaka]

On 26/12/2016 at 3:18 PM, Paty said:

It is my case also! I ve been accepted in a phd program in germany (I am from latín america) starting next march. I dont know how the PI will receive the news. May be I should ask her if thw posición will still open for next year? I would prefer to travel with the baby instead of being pregnant in a differnt country where i dont even know the health system.  What do you think?

I really don't think they will keep the spot for you next year :/ 

[thescientist]

Oh come on, they do sometimes. IDK whether they would for a pregnancy reason; if you're not sure of the people and you're willing to go down that road you could say important and urgent personal/family reasons that would make it a lot better for you to take time beforehand etc. And meanwhile you will be reading and perhaps going to conferences.