Asking out a shy (maybe introverted) guy

[wildviolet]

So I've been crushing on this guy for over a year now (from when I first met him on my campus visit the spring before starting my PhD program). I've seen him a few times during the past school year... while he was teaching a class (hey, the course schedule is public information), on the way in/out of the building, standing in line for coffee... So, this past spring, I finally got up the courage to stop him in the hallway and say "Hey, do you remember me?" etc. We chatted for a bit (he asked me to remind him of my name). I even sat right next to him (literally inches from touching him) for a whole hour during a research talk! So, I emailed him and asked him about "research" (which, I am interested in, but... I was also using that as an excuse to interact with him).

 

This past week (middle of the summer)... I emailed him again and asked if we could meet to talk about "research." He says "sure" and goes into this whole thing about research, courses, etc., in his email. We met in the cafe in our building... and talked for 2 hours! Mostly about "research" but then the last 15 minutes or so I asked him about his travel plans, and we got into a great discussion about living in different places that was NOT related to research.

 

So, the thing is that even though he seems extroverted sometimes (like volunteering to meet w/ potential PhD students and mentoring the incoming cohort), I think he is otherwise fairly introverted and maybe a little socially awkward (or at least, he doesn't seem to notice anyone unless they talk to him directly). I don't know whether he has friends, and I think he lives alone in university housing. I don't think he's married or that he has a girlfriend, but I'm not sure... You know how sometimes if someone has a significant other, they'll signal that by saying "well, my wife and I" or "my partner..."? Well, he hasn't said that yet (not that it means much, but compared to other people, I'd say he doesn't act as if he's engaged with someone else).

 

The thing is that I make him laugh (I'm quite funny in real life, not so much online), and he says things like "I'd be interested in hearing more about what you're thinking about X research topic." When I first arrived at the cafe, it seemed like he was nervous--maybe he wasn't sure what this meeting was about? But, he seemed more comfortable once we started talking about research, courses, and advisor-related stuff.

 

So my question is: I've taken it very slowly up until this point. Do you think he gets it? I mean, grant it we should all be helping each other become good researchers, but does anyone really want to meet simply to discuss research? I think I'm fairly good at picking up body language, etc., but I can't read him... I can't tell if he likes me or not (he's nervous for sure)... so I'm hesitant to ask him out on a date. I feel like, okay, now that we've had this 2-hour talk that I initiated, the ball's in his court... his move. But what if he never makes the next move??? Should I first find out if he does have a significant other, and if not, just ask him out?

[mewtoo]

I'm a shy female so I may not be able to give input like a shy male, but I would say he probably doesn't get it. I wouldn't. I'm rather clueless. lol I don't recognize when I'm being flirted with unless someone else points it out. He may be the same way. Asking him to talk about research and then actually talking about pretty much just research, I would think that's all you want! You might want to make the next move. Even if he does get it, shyness can be overwhelming and he may be too intimidated to ask you out (assuming he is single). I personally would think the best course of action would to first find out if hes in a relationship. Maybe add him on facebook first and see? If not, just ask around. If he is single perhaps try to hang out with him a few more times with a solely social intent if you think you could swing it, or just ask! Some of us are just shy and some of us are shy and kinda socially awkward. You gotta help us combination people out a bit.

 

Good luck! 

[mandarin.orange]

Don't overthink it. Just do this during the next seminar you attend together:

[zapster]

Address it head on...the next time you meet him (to discuss research, of course   ), ask him stuff like what he does in free time, where he hangs out, what he does on weekends etc. Ask him out for a movie or dinner if he dose not seem to have 5 dates packed over the weekend.

 

Best of Luck !

[wildviolet]

Thanks for all the support!

 

But, what about "masculine pride" or "let a man be a man and initiate"? I know it's 2013 (and when I go out social dancing, I ask guys to dance) but, I feel as if I'd still like for him to ask me out (and I'm trying my best to help him do that). You know, that he would gain confidence by asking me out and getting accepted.

[wildviolet]

I'm a shy female so I may not be able to give input like a shy male, but I would say he probably doesn't get it. I wouldn't. I'm rather clueless. lol I don't recognize when I'm being flirted with unless someone else points it out. He may be the same way. Asking him to talk about research and then actually talking about pretty much just research, I would think that's all you want!

 

I wonder about this because I definitely was not overtly flirting with him. I kept it very professional, and even asking about more personal stuff (like, "Hey, do you have any plans to travel this summer?") was not flirty stuff. Sigh. I guess I'm trying to take it really slow, though, so he gets to know me better.

[BytheHammerofThor]

It kind of sounds like he doesn't get it.  At least with me, I'm kind of socially awkward and generally pretty introverted, so unless someone is fairly direct with me or is obscenely obviously flirting, then I tend to miss it.  Some people don't do well with subtlety and if someone was asking me about my personal life at the tail end of a work-oriented meeting, I probably wouldn't think anything of it, personally.

[AboveTheRim]

My personal opinion is that he doesn't get it, or he's too shy to ask you out. 

 

If I were you, I wouldn't ask him out on a date. It's waaayyyy too formal and might freak him out. Instead, go grab lunch or coffee or take a walk... Something informal like that. But DON'T talk about research. In fact, once you two are out, make a pinky swear or something "cute" like that to not talk about academics. Maybe mention in passing that he seems like an awesome person but he's "mysterious" or something, and you want to get to know him better. Of course, I would still use research to get him to come to the coffee/lunch/walk thing, because he seems passionate about it.

 

I'm a male, by the way. I don't know if I carry more or less weight on this subject lol

[PsychGirl1]

Just go for it and ask him out!! If he rejects you, then he gets to spend the next few months kicking his butt for missing an awesome opportunity. And you'll get over it in like, a week. If he accepts, then it could be the start of a fabulous relationship :-). Better to ask him now, before you waste more time pursuing him, and before you come even more attached (ex. a rejection would be way worse if you ask in 6 months than if you ask now).

 

Not that I'm great at following my own advice...

[zapster]

You know, that he would gain confidence by asking me out and getting accepted.

 

As he would by getting asked out....don't overthink it !

[Faraday]

I think in general guys are not always going to "get it", we have a tendency to not be very observant about these things. That said, what you have done so far doesn't sound like it should be sending up huge "i like you!" messages to some people in terms of flirting. Asking personal questions isn't going to send those signals most of the time. Go ahead and ask him out. There are good times in a conversation when you can ask it without seeming too direct and yet if you ask a question like that the intentions should be more obvious than your actions so far. I agree that saying "date" might scare him away, even though my personal policy is to always make it pretty clear that it's a date so you can make that call. Worse come to worse he says no and at least you have closure, I think the not knowing is what is killing you. If you don't use the word date, use little "keywords" that psychologically hint in that direction. Something like "Hey, would you like to grab lunch/coffee together sometime? How about [insert date you think he is usually free]?" Suggesting an exact date (like tomorrow) gives him less of a chance to shrug it off if he's shy about it.

 

Let us know how it goes, good luck!

Edited July 17, 2013 by Faraday

[wildviolet]

If I were you, I wouldn't ask him out on a date. It's waaayyyy too formal and might freak him out.

 

Yes! My sense is that it would totally freak him out. I'm trying to reel him in slowly first. Don't guys like girls who can make them laugh? I'm hoping he'll associate me with good times so that when I (most likely) eventually ask (in a roundabout sort of way), he won't be too hesitant to at least give it a chance (unless I'm just totally not his type).

[wildviolet]

Just go for it and ask him out!! If he rejects you, then he gets to spend the next few months kicking his butt for missing an awesome opportunity. And you'll get over it in like, a week. If he accepts, then it could be the start of a fabulous relationship :-). Better to ask him now, before you waste more time pursuing him, and before you come even more attached (ex. a rejection would be way worse if you ask in 6 months than if you ask now).

 

Not that I'm great at following my own advice...

 

LOL!

[wildviolet]

As he would by getting asked out....don't overthink it !

 

Promise? (Wait, are you a guy? I think so, but I'm not sure... can you back that up with data?  )

[i.am.me]

Aw, you are so sweet, wildviolet.

 

Personally, as an introverted woman, I'd bolt at the earliest and slightest hint of romantic interest from someone I am not attracted to physically.

 

Yeah, that's shallow.

 

But anyway....

 

What's your girly intuition tell you? You think he likes you? Has good feelings towards you?

 

If you answer yes to the last 2 questions, then I would commence girlish flirting...because he might not get it. For someone shy, I am always under the impression that they need to be comfortable in your presence or have some kind of bond with you to want to pursue something further.

 

I am not a expert or anything, but I slowly invade the personal space of people I like (men or women, romantic or friends). How do you think he'd react to that? You know, considering you got to sit next to him and all lol

 

PS: An official date is too formal...and scary.

Edited July 17, 2013 by iampheng

[wildviolet]

I think in general guys are not always going to "get it", we have a tendency to not be very observant about these things.

 

Whyyyyyyyy??? (Big sigh.)

[wildviolet]

Aw, you are so sweet, wildviolet.

 

Personally, as an introverted woman, I'd bolt at the earliest and slightest hint of romantic interest from someone I am not attracted to physically.

 

Yeah, that's shallow.

 

But anyway....

 

What's your girly intuition tell you? You think he likes you? Has good feelings towards you?

 

If you answer yes to the last 2 questions, then I would commence girlish flirting...because he might not get it. For someone shy, I am always under the impression that they need to be comfortable in your presence or have some kind of bond with you to want to pursue something further.

 

I am not a expert or anything, but I slowly invade the personal space of people I like (men or women, romantic or friends). How do you think he'd react to that? You know, considering you got to sit next to him and all lol

 

PS: An official date is too formal...and scary.

 

I agree that if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I tend to bolt as well (so, no, you're not being shallow, in my opinion).

 

Girly intuition... I'm not sure--that's why I posted to this forum! FYI, my one-and-only ex (of ten years) is quite charismatic, outgoing, and nerdy-yet-manly (does that even make sense)? Anyway, so I've never had experience with anyone who is this shy. It's weird because he's a TA, so he's got to have some confidence/authority to stand up and conduct a class. But, at the same time, my feeling is that he pretty much keeps to himself outside of taking/teaching courses and is very focused on his work (maybe as a result of his shyness?). But, he's not shy in a one-on-one situation. Like I said, we talked for 2 hours straight! And we had eye contact. And he smiled and laughed and agreed to meet with me in the first place. I mean, I guess he could have said no, right? But since the pretense was about research... but then again he seemed awfully nervous at first until he was sure that we really were meeting just to talk about research.

 

So, the funny thing about sitting next to him was that when I entered the room (small room, big conference table, chairs lining the wall), he was sitting at a chair against the wall, and I sat one chair away from him... my friend (who knows that I have a crush on him) bumped me over so that I was sitting right next to him so that others could come in after us to fill all the seats. I should have said hi, but it was such a small room, and my advisor and all of the professors in my field were sitting at the conference table--I didn't want anyone to witness our potentially awkward small talk right before the presentation! He didn't acknowledge me (but he didn't acknowledge anyone else, either) so that's what I mean when I say he tends to keep to himself unless you directly engage with him. (Of course, this makes me wonder if maybe this whole thing is not such a good idea... but then again he interacts so well with me one-on-one... maybe he just needs his space sometimes... who doesn't?)

 

I agree that a Date is way too scary. Heck--I'm scared of a Date!

Edited July 17, 2013 by wildviolet

[zapster]

Promise? (Wait, are you a guy? I think so, but I'm not sure... can you back that up with data?  )

 

Well now I did not realize you were waiting for the data....so lets see...if you plot the utility function of being asked out (for the guy) on the x-axis vs the utility function of you playing hard to get on the y-axis, you would get a curve that would need at least some 379 independent stochastic variables to explain. 

 

Ok, could not help that...but yes promise (uh..fingers crossed behind my back!), and remember, timing is important !

 

give it a go WV, we're rooting for you!

[i.am.me]

If he's just introverted and not shy, then that is a different case. Personally, no one believes that I am either, but I am VERY introverted. EXAMPLE: I also taught for two years and am known to be quite socially active...but I always look for exit signs when I enter a social event and have to remind myself to engage other people at the table I am sitting at in conversation.

 

So, maybe he's like that? If he is, maybe you can try being his friend in addition to being his...research-interested-talking-person...I mean, outside of school and school related topics.

 

I've never been friend-zoned by a guy before, but I was recently told that some girls must look out for this type of categorization.

Edited July 17, 2013 by iampheng

[SNPCracklePop]

Make a move. If you don't, someone else will. Ask him out for a coffee or a beer, keep it casual, and minimize the grad school talk. Good luck!

[i.am.me]

^ It's true. At my last school, there were so few available single men (that I'd want to date)...the pickings are slim in Education.

 

Go for it, girl!

[wildviolet]

^^ LOL, we actually have a good number of men in Education at my university, but they are mostly taken already (this is hard to avoid when the median age in Education doctoral programs is mid-30's). The general advice for single women is to look outside Education... for example, the College of Engineering across the street.

 

Now, as to why my crush isn't taken already--I'm thinking either he's so shy/introverted he's never really dated, a la 40-year-old virgin (although I have to say I went to a super nerdy undergrad university and even the "nerds" had "girlfriends" that would sleep over in their dorm rooms). Or, there's something seriously wrong with him. Or, (and I'm hoping it's this last one), he just hasn't found the right girl yet (and I'm perfectly willing to accept that it may not be me). My honest guess... is that it's a mixture of all three, but at this point it's almost all 100% conjecture since I've spoken with him a total of three times!

[33andathirdRPM]

Don't make it weird professionally by dancing ever and ever closer things while under the pretense of talking about "research." Life is short, and there's no time like now. Ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee. Worst thing he says is no.

Edited July 18, 2013 by 33andathirdRPM

[NothingButTheRain]

^^ LOL, we actually have a good number of men in Education at my university, but they are mostly taken already (this is hard to avoid when the median age in Education doctoral programs is mid-30's). The general advice for single women is to look outside Education... for example, the College of Engineering across the street.

I'm not sure how many eligible men you'd find in the engineering department...    

 

Signed,

An engineer married to a teacher.

 

In all seriousness though... at least ask him for coffee.  It'll accomplish two things - you'll get to know him better, answering the questions from post #22, and you'll be able to approach the whole idea of seeing each other more directly.  (another reason to take 33 1/3's advice of avoiding a "research" pretext).  Men are dense (trust me, I am one).  As you've noticed, hints will not work, especially for someone who is shy (and may be less inclined to seek the answer to what may be a misread signal).

[wildviolet]

Don't make it weird professionally by dancing ever and ever closer things while under the pretense of talking about "research." Life is short, and there's no time like now. Ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee. Worst thing he says is no.

 

Yes, I agree! No more research talk... (besides, after two hours, what more is there to say?). Just gotta work up the courage now...