Go with your SO to a school? Or go to different schools? Advice.

[lordofthedoge]

As the title implies, I'm having a dilemma currently.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for about three and a half years now and I'm extremely happy with where our relationship is and I think that she would agree. We spend a significant portion of time together and enjoy each other's company tremendously. I will spare your all from the ooey-gooey, but we could definitely see ourselves in a much more serious situation down the road.

 

But our graduate admissions have sort of thrown a big question mark into the future. We applied to schools in the same general vicinity with the hopes that we would have one match-up with schools that we really would like to attend; however, this hasn't happened.  She was only able to get accepted into one program, and while this was a school that I was also able to gain admission to, it has a significantly lower appeal to me than other schools that I got into (though I should note for her it is a perfect fit and that academically, the school isn't that far behind my other schools).

 

So now I'm in this bind....do I go with her to this school? Or do I go to the highest appealing school to me?

 

With that in mind. I completely realize that education stays with you forever and that relationships have the potential to be lost. Additionally, it is possible that I could resent her for giving up a dream school to go with her to a lesser fit of a school, though my thought is that I wouldn't and even if we broke up I wouldn't regret it that much that I had given up my other choices. I've also sought advice from graduate students at my own institution and they suggested pursuing a LDR and that if it didn't work out that way then the relationship was probably going to end anyway (input on this view would be appreciated). The tough thing with this is we are both going for Ph.D. programs so this will be a 5-6 year separation, though the distance is about 2.75 hours flying and ~8 hours driving between the school I would attend if I didn't go with her and the school she intends on attending.

 

From what I've read around online and have gotten from other graduate students, the consensus seems to be that a LDR is most ideal as it allows one to see if a relationship was going to end anyway or if it is important enough to both people to keep it going and doesn't have one person "sacrificing" to the point where they might resent the other and the relationship dies anyway.

 

I'm curious as to if people agree with this view or if going with her is a better idea? Also, if a LDR is pursued, should I be expecting stagnation of the relationship and it not maturing any more? And if I should not expect it to level off, but should expect it to keep growing and it doesn't...what then?

[LittleDarlings]

Ok not even going to lie if I was in a relationship I would 100% go where my SO was going. No doubt, especially if it's close to leading to marriage. I mean you have to decide what's more important to you. I'm sure you could go to different schools and make it work but if you can both get into the same place do it. Why complicate the relationship when you don't have to?

[smulloy21]

I think only you can really answer this question. One thing I would point out for you to also consider, is that a happy student produces better work. If being apart from your girlfriend is going to lead to you be very unhappy, having no fun or social life, then this would likely affect your research, and perhaps the lower ranked department would in fact be a better place for you to achieve more. However, if you can live apart from each other and still be happy, social, and have a fulfilling life outside of work, then you probably have your answer.

[fuzzylogician]

There is no one correct answer to this question, only you can attach costs to your choices. But here are some questions that might help.

 

On the school side, what is the actual difference between the schools? Can the school near your girlfriend (let's call it A) provide you with the education you need to meet your future career goals, or can only the one that is farther away (let's call it B ) provide that? More precisely, what makes B more attractive, and can that (or at least the important parts of that) be found in A? Is it the advisor, or the placement record, or certain equipment, or other opportunities? Is there something that is just wholly lacking in A, or is it just that B is somehow better than A in something and you'll have to work harder or have some handicap, but you could still end up with the same (or equivalent) career opportunities when you graduate? If B really provides something crucial that A is lacking in, and giving that up will seriously affect your career, that's very different than if both A and B can basically provide you with the same opportunities but you just have a (academic) preference for B. Alternatively, if you choose B, do you have to be in residence the whole time? Could there be an arrangement where you spend some time at A, or could you be away after you are done with courses and teaching (while you are dissertating)? 

 

On the relationship side, do you think you can survive a very long LDR? Some people do it better than others but it seems to me that going into 5-6 years of (physical) separation will be very very hard on you and that could affect all aspects of your life. If you are unhappy in your personal life, your work will suffer too. Furthermore, if you are going into academia, there is a fairly good chance that your first jobs will also not be in the same geographic area so you may be looking at an additional 1-3 years apart. That would be more than I would personally find reasonable. Do you know what your girlfriend's opinion is on this issue? An LDR can only work if both parties agree, and it's a lot of hard work even then--you can read a recent thread about that

 

The bottom line is that you will be compromising on something. The question is which is the bigger sacrifice, and that depends on the specifics of your situation and only you can decide. If there is a way to have it all, I'd start by looking first at how much of a sacrifice it would be to go to school A because to me a very long LDR would be very difficult to maintain even if you have the best intentions at heart. But again that's just me and this is a very personal decision. 

Edited March 21, 2014 by fuzzylogician
B) --> B ) !!!

[RomulusAugustulus]

(let's call it provide that? 

 

On a totally unrelated note, it's hilarious that your "B close-parenthesis" got turned into that little smiley guy. I thought at first you were trying to make a (not so subtle) hint about which program the OP should choose. 

[danieleWrites]

My guy isn't in school, but when I applied to programs, I ignored programs in the parts of the country that wouldn't be good for him and, once I picked out a list of programs, I gave him the list to veto. He crossed off one program that I was ecstatically interested in. I never think about the what-if of it all and when the thought begins to the get the merest glimmer of considering the merest possibility of crossing my mind, I firmly reflect on the good stuff I got now. (Shout out to my boy Douglas Adams!) Of course, all of my dark clouds have three or four silver linings. I'm relentlessly bright-side. If I wasn't also mean, I would be insufferable. The point here, I have good stuff in the program to dwell on and always will (it's just my personality). Seriously, I sprained my ankle in boot camp, where I spent weeks getting about 5 hours of sleep and doing over 100 pushups a day (no sense of humor there, whatsoever), and living in one gigantic room with a dwindling number of women that were better suited, personality wise, to the Real Housewives of New Jersey than to the Navy, and the only thing I could think was, yay! Instead of pushups, I'll get to do crunches!

Anyway. The point is kind of that it's about what's inside of you. You applied to this lesser program that you got into, so I'm assuming you found it redeeming in some fashion, that it fit you in some way. Hopefully you didn't just apply because it was in your field and close to your SO's choice. LDRs can also work out well. It's one of those things where you have to make a choice and no matter what choice you make, you're going to have an "if only" to hang all of your regrets on when things aren't going as well as you wished they would. I doesn't matter which place you pick, you will have those moments of bad where you can resent something or someone.

Your girl has a choice she can make, too. She can skip her own grad school and go with you to the one you choose and apply to the one your prefer, or nearby, next cycle and hope she gets in, or she can go to the one that accepted her and live with the choice you have to make (the nearby school or an LDR). She can resent when the "if onlys" roll around just as easily as you can.

Only you know what you're like inside. You know which choice is the one you can live with most, and how easily you resent and regret. There are steps you can take to reduce opportunity for resentment, whatever choice is made. Semi-regular sessions with a campus counselor when stress is getting to you or you're noticing a downward trend in your emotional state. Skype, with an LDR, and body pillow swaps (my guy was in the military; I found it very comfortable to sleep on his pillow when he was gone, until his scent was smooshed out, at least), and so on.

I think that what it boils down to is that whatever choices you and your SO make, self-awareness, maturity, and asking for help when needed can make a big difference.

[fuzzylogician]

On a totally unrelated note, it's hilarious that your "B close-parenthesis" got turned into that little smiley guy. I thought at first you were trying to make a (not so subtle) hint about which program the OP should choose. 

 

Sigh. Posted and went to work, didn't look at the text again. No hints intended.

[rising_star]

I'm going to be different about this maybe. I'm at the way other end of all this and, to be honest, it's not like the distance/two-body issue is easier to work out from this end. In fact, it's harder, imo. Were it me, I'd go with the time together now, when you can guarantee it, rather than waiting for a future potential of time together. The big qualifier for that sentence, of course, is that the school you attend gives you the opportunity to pursue your career in the ways you want and, potentially, in ways you haven't thought of that might also be nice. The school has to have the facilities (labs, libraries, workspace) you need, an advisor that can propel your career, and the ability for you to do the research you both want and need to do. If the lower-ranked (lesser in your terms) school has that, then I'd go there and keep the relationship in tact. The difference between #5 and #8 is not that big in most fields, you know?

[GeoDUDE!]

Either situation will leave you with what ifs. Would you rather wonder about your love or your career.