Awful start - can it be salvaged?

[volitans]

I've had severe social anxiety since my teenage years. That I ever managed to navigate the beaurocracy of getting to attend university on my own still surprises me - but going through all that, I made a LOT of mistakes. Especially with my relationships with professors.

 

I've been in my MA for one and a half years so far, with one year to go - and I've only just recently got "into gear," wanting to make connections and actually have worthwhile professional relationships with my professors and classmates. Mostly inspired by the fear that when I ask for a letter of recommendation from the professors I had in mind, they'll just say "Who?" And the realization that in six years of higher education I haven't made a single friend. It took a very long time and a very close death to realize I shouldn't be scared of everyone.

 

Last semester, I arranged for an independant study in translation with one of my professors. Circumstances later caused me to cut down to part-time this semester, so I ended up unable to take it. Mistake one: I didn't let the professor know until I was into the semester already. I sent an overly heartfelt email to her talking about all the related academic experiences I had recently and asked her for PhD advice, while also explaining why I had to put off the independant study a semester and asking if she would be willing to review preliminary translations in preparation. She responded rather tersely that she couldn't do that if I wasn't registered for classes. Meaning the email was likely skimmed.

 

I apologized for being unclear and asked if it would still be a liability issue. She said that no, she could, but "I would suggest you not to take an independent study nest semester, though." Did I ruin things entirely? Is this the wrong way to reach out? I feel so alone in graduate school - I thought I would have professors who could look over the work I've done and give out advice. Or something at all. Should I be trying to find friends in peers instead, for this kind of thing?

[lyrehc]

Does your university have a graduate student center?  That would be a good place to work on making connections.

 

As far as the professor goes, I don't know what to tell you.  Do you have others you can build rapport with or take an independent study from?

[volitans]

No student center specifically for graduates - but the program is small enough that I know every other student in the program already. I'm just not friends with them... How strange would it be to suddenly barrage people I've casually known for 4+ years with attempts at friendship? I've already tried it with one, but my email and message were ignored (and he's still using both methods of contact I used).

 

She's the only professor there in any way related to my field (she's Chinese literature, I'm wanting to go into Japanese literature). But she's not my advisor, who I could probably ask for something - but I wouldn't be doing anything relevant to what I actually study. I decided to go the route of getting significantly more published in the next year, to have something to distinguish me for my PhD - I guess in the end I'm just wanting a professor to care and encourage me in that. It's really demoralizing to have zero support (part of why I joined here!).

[bsharpe269]

It sounds like you did ruin things with that professor. You definitely should have kept her up to date with your independent study situation. There is no reason to beat yourself up for not doing so now but just use it as a lesson learned for the future. I would focus on getting to know other professors right now and then maybe repair things with her in the future.

 

Alot of people in academia have a difficult time with social interactions. I think that you are thinking about this the wrong way completely. You should not be getting to know professors for the purpose of getting LORs. If you are passionate about your field then you should want to learn from them, impress them, turn in your absolute best work to them. If you are possionate about your field then in my opinon, the letters flow naturally out of that.

 

If you are struggling this much with interacting with coworkers then I would consider going to the counsling center... not because you have some huge issue but because it would give you someone to talk to and someone to help you through this. This is not the only time that you will need to get close with coworkers. You will have to do this in your phd program and postdoc and beyond if you want to be successful. Use this masters degree as an opportunity to learn how to do that so that you have an easier time in your phd program with the stakes are higher.

 

It is definitely not too late to turn this around and interact with your professors more. Start at an easy spot: why not try to go office hours of some of the professors who you have classes with for the next few weeks. Come with some genuine question from the class and then maybe ask a question or two about their research if it interests you. If you can get comfortable doing that then you are off to a great start. Dont be upset with your current situation and just use it as a learning opportunity. You can plan where to go from here. With a year left in the program still, you have tons of time to connect with people in your department.

Edited September 19, 2014 by bsharpe269

[volitans]

Thank you for the advice!

 

I'm certainly passionate about my field - the problem is that I'm in a program with zero fit for it. It's English literature, and I do other areas of literature. It was a bad choice, but I've decided to complete the degree anyway. So, I'm not able to talk about my work, my translations, my editing or the knowledge I have with them. It makes it difficult to impress anyone when my area is written off. I know it's usually sarcasm-in-good-fun, but a lot of the professors like to outright joke that Eastern literature doesn't matter... The one time I called on a professor after class when he said that, I regretted it for months, knowing how annoying I was and uninterested he was in retrospect. I've had good conversations with other professors, but they were usually one-time ones (and hours in length). I'll try to have more of those, and hopefully not continue to be terribly awkward!

 

Haha, I could probably use a counselor. Thank you for the reassurance! I'm hoping to still rescue all these lost connections.

[VioletAyame]

Yep I seconded the advice of talking to your professors face to face, but I don't think your relationship with this particular professor is beyond repair, especially if you had valid and reasonable circumstances to not be able to follow through. You were wrong in not letting her know sooner but not necessarily in not being able to do the independent study. It might be a bit more nerve-wrecking than an email, but if you come to her office or see her at colloquium, you can make sure that you've got your points across and usually people are less likely to be curt to another person in real life than via emails. That is not to say you should track her down and pour your explanation on her. Wait a little while for the situation to cool down, approach her with some genuine research questions, and if she is receptive, weave your explanation into that conversation and let her know that you're really, really sorry and you wish you could still work with her in the future. It can be really hard but since she's one of the few professors in your area of interest, I'd say it's definitely worth trying.

 

About making friends in your program, I think it's like making friends everywhere - the key is to find something you have in common. And it'll help if you show interests in people as human beings, not just your colleagues or collaborators you want to make connections with. It'll always be awkward and uncomfortable at first and hopefully the relationship/friendship will become easier as you get more familiar with them. But only time and consistent interactions can do that. Start small, and don't get discouraged if you fail to connect with someone - it's fine, not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone, and vice versa, you don't have to be friends with your collaborators. You can have friends that you like but share none of your research interests and colleagues with whom you work well but not really your close friends.

 

I'm sorry about the bad fit and I hope you'll get to join a more suitable program next year, but I don't think you should regret calling out your professor on that. It was still a little social faux-pas but the act in and of itself is not wrong. You weren't being annoying in thinking that your area deserves some respect, and all the jokes and sarcasm do reflect some of one's true attitude as well. I wouldn't do it again, but I wouldn't terribly regret it either.

[biisis]

One thought to add is that it's hard to find enthusiastic professors for independent reading courses, even in the best of circumstances. Most of the time professors don't receive any compensation or recognition for their work from their departments/faculties when they take on independent students, so the motivation can be pretty lukewarm to start with. In short, to some degree it may be them rather than you.

 

Also - you joked about counselling, but why not see that through? Lots of schools (perhaps your school?) offer free mental health services to students- a very sweet situation. I know lots of folks who have benefited from having a skilled professional someone to chat with. Worst case scenario, you'll be bored for an hour, but best-case scenario you'll get some human empathy and maybe access for some great resources. 

 

Finally, even if one is BFFs with one's cohort, it's really nice (some may say vital?) to get away from the departmental bubble and catch up with life outside. Maybe you'd fancy volunteering with a student group on campus, or striking up your own (even informal) group around your translation interests. Is there an East-Asian studies department whose listserv your could get on? I'm always wowed by the number of cool events happening across universities. (Failing that, Meetup.com can be cool, even if just for second language conversation groups).

 

I hope that things start to look up for you. Socializing is way hard, but there are other pleasures to be had in the academy. It sounds like your research is really rewarding, and that you're set to follow your passion into your PhD. Hold in there!

[music]

If you still have a year left of your MA, I would suggest attending some conferences in your specialist area during that time. It's a great way to practice interacting with other academics, without them having any preconceptions about what kind of person you are. Also a fantastic learning opportunity.

 

I too was in the situation of taking a big change of direction for my PhD - in fact I've so much as never taken a class in my PhD subject. My approach was to put in a bunch of papers (written without guidance) for conferences, and when a good number got accepted I suddenly had a lot of support from my undergrad institution including funding and mentorship, which was incredibly fruitful. At the conferences I was able to meet other students in my own area, and make contact with professors too. It gave me a nice sense of the community, especially when faces popped up at multiple conferences. It was also a great boost for my CV going into application season, not just because of the conference listings, but because I could write knowledgeably in my SoP about current developments in my area.

 

As for the friendship issue, have you tried looking into school (or external) clubs - sports, music, art, yoga, hiking...? Sometimes it's nice to make a divide between work colleagues and friends who you know for other reasons. Organised activities can be easier, since there is a limit to the amount of social interaction, but enough opportunity to meet new people if you are willing to take it and make the effort. My school offers study groups, for example - great if you don't want to be too far out of your comfort zone.

 

It's great that you identified these problems before starting your PhD applications. Hopefully you can work on them this year and have a nice fresh start ahead of you

[callista]

I just wanted to address the social anxiety issue.  It's something that runs in my family somewhat, and I honestly believe that I was born with it as the result of a chemical imbalance.  So you have tons of sympathy from me!  I could relate a lot to what you said about being amazed that you made it as far as you have in the university system.

 

This may not be the answer for you, but for me, getting on medication for my anxiety ~12 years ago has changed my life.  By lowering the baseline distress, I was able to work on the cognitive stuff that needed to be done.  Just a thought.  In any case, counseling does seem like a good idea - cognitive behavioral therapy is meant to give you the tools to cope right away, so look for someone who does that kind of counseling.  Your future life is waiting for you!

 

Feel free to PM me if you like.  Good luck!

[TMP]

To add, consider group therapy.  You'll be able to work on your interpersonal skills that way.  You'll get feedback from your facilitators and peers.

 

You may or may not have "ruin" things with that professor.  I'd just back off and find someone else.  Professors are very protective of their time and look out for their own best interests, especially if they're gunning for tenure or promotion soon and need to get their packages together.

 

You also come off as someone who is very nervous because you type a lot more than you need to.  It's common among graduate students but you'd be surprised that getting to the point can be just as effective (or more so).... especially with e-mails.  The only people I'd dare to write a (longer) e-mail are my mentors.  Everyone else?  Short and sweet, and to the point.  If I need to say more, then I just meet in person with my notes in my hand.

[ExponentialDecay]

I would caution against being heartfelt with your professional relationships. Unless you know that that person responds well to that kind of thing.

 

Secondly, it's a real bummer that your opportunity to do relevant work fell through and other opportunities are scarce. My department was closed last year, so I'm kind of in your predicament, with the added bonus of possibly not being able to complete my degree. However, you still need LORs. As far as I understand, you are in a generic MA, so you take classes with these professors and write papers for them. So you have something to say on a subject both of you are interested in, or at least knowledgeable about. The purpose of cultivating a relationship with a professor is so that they can associate your face with your brilliant analytical work. It's more important to have direction coming out of postgrad than out of undergrad, but ultimately, the fact that a professor can attest to your potential as a researcher per se is 90% what it's about.