How to make and keep friends in grad school?

[PaperTowels]

After some time in graduate school, I was pleased to discover that I enjoy it very much and it's a lot of fun. It is unfortunately so much fun, that I hardly want to do anything besides work. If I just let myself to do whatever I feel like at the moment, I would quickly transition to literally living my whole life in the lab.

 

This has destroyed my social life. I actually like the faculty, students and other lab members. A few I really "click" with and seriously regret not seeing more often. However, I am always too engrossed in my work to think of meeting up with people for drinks, and when I do think of it, it's usually at odd hours - I can't really call up someone at 2 in the morning and say "hey what's up, just got out of lab, let's grab dinner!".

 

I'll admit that I've always been a little shy, introverted and awkward, and it doesn't help that I dislike Facebook and others, but I've never really had this problem before. Most of my life I've had things like classes impose some order on my social happenings, and even during breaks the vagaries of life would bring me together with my buddies. But my classes are over, and now that I am in grad school, there's nothing stopping me from being my own person and doing as I please. And worryingly, this newfound independence has become a license to bury myself in my work and become insulated from the world like a hermit.

 

The obvious solution is to get out more, go to non work events, try to socialize. The problem is that my work is just so damn interesting to me, that my reaction to every potential event is "well, I could do that... Or better yet, I could just go to lab and work!". I am so far down the rabbit hole at this point that it is sometimes difficult to talk with normal people without babbling about not-work.

 

How do you do it? How do you see more of the new friends you've made in grad school? How do you resist the siren song of your office and make yourself get out once in a while? How do you keep in touch with old buddies from your hometown or parents back home who are several timezones away?

Edited October 17, 2014 by PaperTowels

[iphi]

You need to set boundaries for yourself. "Tonight I will leave the lab by 8pm," and, "I can go to the lab for only half a day on weekends."Or in the situation you mentioned you can even go out and catch dinner with a buddy then go back. But you need work/life balance!

 

I keep in touch with friends back home by calling them. Scheduling that usually works best, but sometimes I'll do it on the way back from school... I just know they may be unavailable. We also text/Whatsapp a lot.

Edited October 17, 2014 by iphi

[bsharpe269]

Honestly, I have this same issue. My work is computational so its not an "in the lab" sort of issue but I really love it too and prefer it to just about everything else. I have found that I really enjoy meeting up with people to do work. I go to the coffee shop with another student to study a couple times a week. This is a great way to combine the two. We both sit at a table and work adn chat about things in between. This has become a really important part of my social life. Even if most of you work needs to happen in the lab, Im sure you have to read papers or analyze data and stuff that could be done while studying with someone else.

 

It is also worth mentioning that most people have those big idea moments when they arent working. Talking to others about your work is a really important part of coming up with new ideas. Im sure there are other grad students who love their work as much as you do. Why not grab a drink with them and talk work? Is there another lab that does sort of similar stuff? There is one other lab at my school in the same subfield as mine and I love talking to the students in that lab. It is different enough that I learn alot but similar enough that we can understand eachothers work well. I make an effort to talk to those students alot and bounce ideas off of eachother. Their work comes from a slightly different perspective and looking at my work from their perspective gives me alot of those big idea moments.

 

I have also found that making plans and sticking to them is important to get me to get out of house. I have a hard time putting down my work and going out but if I committed to doing something Friday at 8pm then I make myself to do it. Once I am out, I always enjoy myself and I gad that I did. I am sure there are other things that you like as much or nearly as much as work? Possibly things you have been neglecting due to work? For example, maybe it would be really good for you to get back into a sport that you used to enjoy or something. Maybe join some sort of sport club after school which would force you to get out of the lab and workout and be social once a week. These are the kinds of things that I do that basically form my social life!

[Monochrome Spring]

Join a club on campus (or off) for a hobby not related to your research. I joined a League of Legends club on campus, and even though we only meet once a week, it makes me feel more connected with other students on campus outside of my lab group. You need to have a hobby that you can hold onto when your research gets rough.

[maelia8]

I'm still in the coursework stage of my Ph.D. and I'm not in a lab science, but one thing that really helps me is studying and reading in the grad student library for my department - everybody comes in an out of there at least once a day, and even if we just chat for a minute between classes or go eat our bag lunches in the lounge together, I feel like I've had the chance to reconnect with them and see how their day is going.

 

Another helpful activity is to set up a "Stammtisch" = one night a week when you and your buddies head down to the bar for drinks at the same time. Since my department schedules grad student classes mostly Monday through Wednesday, we all go down to the pub together Wednesday night at 6 when the vast majority of us have just turned in our major work for the week and can afford to relax a bit. 

 

Getting into a routine really helps - you just need to add designated hangout time into your routine

[danieleWrites]

My department and the grad student group schedules socializing events around literature stuff. We have a symposium every month (in this case, symposium is code for going to a local microbrewery, sit around, drink beer, and argue about some pre-arranged literarcy criticism chapter or article.)

 

Some departments have reading groups. I plan to start one in mine next semester (because I dropped the ball for starting it this semester). I took a class last spring that mixed grads and undergrads, and the undergrads had exams. The grads had a free day, so we all decided to meet on exam day and sit around to discuss the papers we were writing. It was a blast.

 

Part of being a grad student is loving your research. I don't want to go see some band play Friday night 'cause I can read rhetoricians! My spouse pooh-poohs this plan on a regular basis. Anyway, the point is that there are two kinds of socializing with your fellows: academics-free (which is totally necessary) and with academics. Next time you're in the halls near the lab, go get a coffee with someone and talk about theory. Make it a regular event and invite more people to join you. Debate is a great motivator for understanding and expanding knowledge.

 

Find out what your recreation center has available. Play an intramural sport (my rec has quidditch and ballroom dancing as intramural sports, so it's not all rugby and dodgeball). LARP. Hike. Volunteer. Join an activist club. I'm an introvert (INTJ, actually), so socializing is my idea of the eighth circle of hell, at least until I'm actually doing it (with a limited number of people). I find that when I've joined a group that depends on my participation, I will always choose to do that instead of choosing to hibernate on the couch with a book. It gets me out and doing non-academic socializing. If it's a a non-team situation, it's hit and miss about whether or not I'll choose to socialize over reading.

 

Introverts unite! (Separately, in your own homes.)

[ProfLorax]

PaperTowels: Everyone is different, and everyone socializes differently! That's okay. Maybe you are at a point in your life when you really are invested in your work, and I don't think you need to make any apologies about that. If, however, you are feeling that you need more social outings (as opposed to feeling that you aren't socializing as much as others do), maybe start by combining social outings with your main preoccupation these days: your work! I recently organized a reading group around a research interest I'm really excited about with the express purpose of finding others who won't get bored when I go on and on and on and on about said topic. 

[lyrehc]

It comes down to choices. Becoming friends with fellow students will open doors for research collaboration which depending on your field *may* be important when you've graduated. Research may open other doors. Only you can decide what is more important in the long run.

 

If socialization *is* important to you, then stopping research is just like stopping anything else you can obsess about. You set boundaries - I will leave the lab a ____ time (and then actually leave). I will not go to the lab before ____ time. I will spend ____ finding ways to socialize with other students. I will spend ___ time studying.

[TMP]

I struggle with that issue too!  Some grad students have found me too intense because I can't stop talking about academics, even in a social setting like a bar.  I'm trying to curb it and talk about what they want to talk about (sometimes not so interesting to me...).  A number of my peers want work to stay at home/office and just get drunk and dance all night.

 

But as others say, little things like hanging out in the lab/office for a bit can do you good.  You need small doses of human contact to stay sane and healthy.  Talking to your pre-grad school friends can help a lot to remind you of who you are and what you like to do when you're not obsessing with your research.

[wildviolet]

I host little dinner parties at my house throughout the semester--usually potlucks! The people who come are happy to have the opportunity to socialize with others, too, and we all get to eat delicious homemade food. I admit we mostly talk about school stuff, but sometimes if it's all single women, we'll talk about dating/boyfriends/crushes, etc. All of my grad school friends are so busy--we have to schedule our social time. Otherwise, it's random meetings in the hallway or bathroom.

[reinhard]

I host little dinner parties at my house throughout the semester--usually potlucks! The people who come are happy to have the opportunity to socialize with others, too, and we all get to eat delicious homemade food. I admit we mostly talk about school stuff, but sometimes if it's all single women, we'll talk about dating/boyfriends/crushes, etc. All of my grad school friends are so busy--we have to schedule our social time. Otherwise, it's random meetings in the hallway or bathroom.

My program has little to no women.

[wildviolet]

My program has little to no women.

 

So... you can't have dinner parties?

[rockhopper]

Is there a student council in your own department for graduate students? We have one and ours is very active and it's a great way for the incoming students to meet everyone and be included in the social scene. Great source of moral support, too!