Should I tell my advisor I'm getting a divorce?

[sofia55]

The subject line pretty much says it all - I'm just struggling to figure out what's "appropriate" in the advisor-advisee relationship.  For various reasons, the divorce won't happen for a few months, but the problem is that the stress and anxiety is REALLY affecting my work NOW.  Particularly, I'm considering asking for an extension on one of my term papers.  (I'm still doing course work for my PhD.)  I *hope* that next semester, even though I'll still be "dealing" with it, I'll be able to manage my time better - I think the shock of the realization that a divorce is on the way is what's getting to me now.  Hopefully at least the shock part of it will wear off...??

 

ANY advice would be so appreciated.  I've been pretty private about this in my "real life" so none of my grad-student friends know yet (that will change soon, I suppose), but for now, I don't have anyone to turn to who might actually understand the sometimes weird dynamics of the advisor relationship.  I LOVE my program and I don't want to mess anything up.  Also, I'm in my first year, so I'm still trying to figure it all out.  If it matters, I'm a woman, and my advisor (and all my other profs) are men.  

 

Thank you so much, in advance!!

[fuzzylogician]

First of all, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Whether or not (and how/how much) you tell your advisor I think really depends on what your relationship with him is like. Since you're new, I assume you don't have a very strong relationship, but you might nonetheless have some idea of how he might react. I would urge you to find someone to talk to. First off, talk to someone at student health services. It's important to have a safe place to vent and think out what's happening. Your university might have good counseling services and they might be able to also give you information about any official provisions that you might be entitled to. They would have experience with this kind of situation and can help you find and use resources. Second, I think it may be beneficial to talk to *someone* in your department so that they know what's going on and why you're struggling. It doesn't have to be your advisor, depending on who you are comfortable with. I think any professor who you feel close to, or perhaps the DGS or chair, might be appropriate. You want to find someone who could be an advocate for you and help you if you need an extension or some consideration. Everybody doesn't need to know your business, I think it's fair to ask that professors only be told it's a private/family matter, and if there is someone who is aware and can attest to it being truly a serious issue, that should be enough. I personally think this is a better approach than keeping things secret from everyone, since it's been negatively affecting your work. Again, nobody has to know any details, but I think any reasonable person would understand that you might be struggling because of this personal situation, and also that it will work itself out and that with some time you will go back to being a successful student and researcher. 

[rising_star]

I would probably not tell them. If you're having trouble with your work, ask for an extension without specifying why unless you get pressed. But, I'm of the belief that you don't discuss personal matters with your advisor unless absolutely necessary.

[ProfLorax]

I 100% agree with everything fuzzylogician says. Of course, your course of action depends on your relationship with your advisors. But since the divorce is (understandably) affecting your performance, it wouldn't hurt to have an advocate in your department. You don't even need to go into the emotional aspect of the divorce: merely explaining that your attention is divided between your work and these life changes should be sufficient. 

 

Also, hug yourself frequently! I have some friends who have recently gone through divorce (not from each other), and while everyone's situation is different, they both were pretty stressed in the beginning but then felt better pretty quickly. After the shock of the divorce wore off, they started to feel a sense of relief and contentment that was missing from the end of their marriages. I hope you find the same peace they did. 

[jujubea]

What proflorax said.

 

So sorry you're going through this :/

[sofia55]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice!  It is incredibly helpful and encouraging to have your perspectives.

 

I made an appointment with the DGS of my department, who is a really warm and approachable, and whom I've met a couple times (but her interests are so far from mine that we won't interact much otherwise).  I plan to just tell her the truth and see what she thinks.  I'll keep it professional, of course - I started seeing a counselor, so I'll make sure I get my tears out of the way before I meet with her!  She'll know the personalities of my profs and if I need some "backup" or someone to attest to the validity of the struggle (as fuzzylogician suggested) I think she'll probably be willing to do that.  

 

Thanks again for your responses.  And if any of you or others have any other advice or insights, let me know!  I think the divorce might a frustratingly long and emotional process (which I guess goes without saying).  

 

I've been "lurking" on this forum since my application days, but this is the first time I've posted - thanks for making it a positive experience.  I'll be sure to pay it forward and chime in if I think I can help or encourage anyone else on here!

[lewin]

I went through this too but, thankfully, managed to hold it together enough so that my work didn't noticeably suffer. So, my sympathy is with you. You'll need to tell everybody eventually because, realistically, it's your new life situation now and there'll be things like department parties where people will ask where spouse is, or you'll be applying for jobs abroad and people will ask, "Is spouse okay with that?"  But no need to rush. Frankly, I think a vague answer or white lie in a social situation is fine if it gives you time roll it out slowly.

 

But given that it's affecting your work, my advice is to approach your advisor and say that the split is unfortunately requiring a lot of your time right now and ask for their understanding and flexibility. Then promise you'll be back on track soon. You don't need to say that it's requiring time because you're a blubbering mess--though of course it's fine if you are--just keep it to the vaguer, more professional wording.

[rockhopper]

Agree with what the previous posters are saying. Wanted to add that you should keep up with the counseling. I went through a bad breakup (not a divorce but painful) last semester and counseling really helped me to sort out my feelings, etc. I never told my advisor about the breakup and I tried to throw myself into my work like everyone told me to but some days it just got to be too much and I wanted to talk about it and have a good cry. Therapy was, well, therapeutic, imagine that! Sorry you're going through that, one day you will look back and be amazed you got through all of it, it just takes a lot out of you right now. 

[lab ratta-tat-tat]

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this.

I had a close friend go through this recently and he told his advisor (who is also the director of the program) about his divorce because he was married to another student in the program and they worked on the same floor, and he wanted to be upfront about the issue.

If your divorcing someone who happens to be in your program I would let your advisor know. Also, when my friend went through this, his advisor was super supportive and another student in the same lab (Female) was also going through a divorce (not to someone married in the program) and the advisor (male) knew about that as well and asked each of them what type of mentorship they thought they might need during this stressful time. They both said they would need their PI to be more hands on an continue to push them (as they were both 6th year grad students) and he did help them out with no judgement.

bottom line- 

it depends on your specific situation.

it depends on your relationship with your mentor.

 

Good luck and focus on your goals!

[Enhydra]

First of all, my deepest sympathy. This was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through, even though it was unquestionably the right thing. I'll reitterate the advice above about councelling. It helped me enormously! But I think you should tell your advisor. Mention it as professionally as you can while confirming your dedication to your studies and the program.

[ritapita]

I absolutely would tell your advisor.  First, our faculty mentors are people we will be working with for several years. They cannot fully support you or help you with resources, etc if they do not know your situation.  A divorce is no little thing. I've been there too.  Many of your faculty have been there.  Would you rather be struggling with your focus and your work early on in your program and them wondering why?  I agree that not everyone needs to know, but at the least your advisor should know. They are in a way designated to be your advocate and go-to until you get a committee chair. They don't need to know all your personal business but if something is affecting your coursework, they really should know.  I might not go into details - they won't want them, or need them.  But at the least say something like, 'I just want you to know I am experiencing some added stress right now due to an unforeseen divorce. I noticed that the stress is starting to affect my focus and performance, but I am seeking support with that and will continue to work through it.' Be as professional as possible, but being forthright will help your case if anyone ends up questioning you.  As long as they know you recognize it and are on top of it, they will support you.  In the end, after it is done and over with, you will most likely be in a healthier place and most likely your work will be better as well.  Best wishes to you.  Head up, charge through.